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For a species that relies so heavily on interacting with one another, it’s kind of funny and a little frustrating that communicating doesn’t always come naturally to us. In fact, it’s a skill many are willing to pay money to improve, even earning entire degrees just to get better at it. That’s how serious it can be.
The good news is that you don’t have to devote years of your life to feel more confident talking to people. Sometimes, a bit of solid advice goes a long way. On Reddit, users shared their favorite “cheat codes” for navigating social situations, and their tips are surprisingly practical. Check them out below.
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#1
Listening more than talking. People love a good audience and spill everything.
Nathaniel He/Him Cis-Het 4 hours ago
I may not be talking, that doesn't mean I am listening. I am silently awaiting communication from the Overlords.
RELATED:
#2
Meet conflict with curiosity. You can avoid a lot of arguments by asking what someone meant and genuinely listening to understand.
Nearby-Reindeer-6088:
When I was a kid I automatically thought every argument was an inability to understand each other or reach an agreeable resolution. It totally blew my mind when I realized as a teenager that some people argue to win, no matter how illogical or far outside their interest their position turns out to be.
#3
Prefacing my own thoughts with "my dad always said" to avoid the male impulse to immediately disagree with even the most benign statement.
BungleBungleBungle:
I was the "well, actually" guy for so long until I realised I sounded like an obnoxious prick. I wasn't trying to be an obnoxious prick, I just knew they were wrong. Since then, I've either just said nothing, or started by saying "I thought that too, but i just found out recently etc etc".
#4
Most people unconsciously expect everyone else to think, behave, feel the same way they would.
So, what they expect from others is very revealing as to what you can expect from them and how they understand situations.
#5
Being pleasant is one of the biggest cheat codes in the universe.
Say nice things about people behind their backs - the entire group will trust you more.
Smile and be reasonable when an inconvenience happens. The person helping will feel more motivated to try to help you if you are understanding and acknowledge that they are trying to help. Even if you are angry and let anger slip, make sure to tell any person who didn't cause it that you aren't angry at them - most customer service people have been [harrassed] by customers often enough that they are way more helpful for a pleasant person.
If an issue does not actually matter much to you, letting someone else have it their way makes them more kindly disposed towards you.
You don't have to be a pushover, but being pleasant and polite most of the time also makes it so that if someone pushes you too hard, they instantly look like the bad guy.
#6
Any "sorry" can be turned into a "thank you." For instance, whenever I'm late, I never say "sorry I'm late." Instead, I say "thank you for your patience."
Multa Nocte 4 hours ago (edited)
I've read this a number of times, but if I've been inconvenienced by someone being late, it feels like they are brushing my feelings off by saying "Thank you for your patience." I don't know how to explain this better but it would make me much more unhappy than them saying, "Sorry I'm late." Edit: OK, I know why it irritates me. It's what they have on the phone when you are on hold for 1,000 hours. "Thank you for waiting. Our lines are currently busy."
#8
Social situations got a lot easier when I stopped thinking in black and white, introduced nuance to situations, ask for clarity in situations where I’m uncertain, and quit assuming malicious intent because intent *does* matter.
Nathaniel He/Him Cis-Het 4 hours ago
Unfortunately black and white thinking is prevalent in many toxic and bigoted people. You are either this, or that. Whether it be politics, religion, sexuality, race even biology. We humans come in all shapes and sizes, an infinite amount of variety, let's acknowledge, accept and celebrate our differences. Remember, you are unique, just like everyone else.
#9
Admitting to mistakes instantly disarms everybody.
Nathaniel He/Him Cis-Het 4 hours ago
I said sorry to a work colleague the other day, immediately one of his limbs dropped off
#10
I just tell people I have no idea what I'm doing. It throws them off. That's how I got my mortgage lol. I was 23, called up a random mortgage company, apologized profusely and asked if they could explain what to do and what I needed to know. Dude spent probably 2 hours on the phone explaining everything to me and even recommended a different company after hearing what we needed.
Just the other day, my stupid key fob battery [drained] and I replaced it, it still didn't work but the key turned on the car so I thought maybe it needed to be reprogrammed or reconnected or something so I went into the dealership and just handed them my key and word vomited "I don't know what to do I don't know what's wrong I replaced the battery and it still doesn't work but I drove here and idk what the fix it but I figured you guys could help" all in about 1.5 breaths. The guy was dumbfounded, took my key to the parts area where the dude there had heard everything too and they both just quietly replaced the battery and sent me on my way.
Didn't even pay and I'm way out of warranty.
#11
Here a few I use to gain buy-in really quickly:
- Match the energy. If the person you're speaking with is soft-spoken, try to lower your volume. If they are casual, don't be to stiff 🙂
- Genuine compliment. Everyone loves a genuine compliment. It really does go a long way to breaking the ice. Just don't make it weird lol 😅
- Body language. Open and receptive body language, such as unfolded arms, slightly tilted head and eye contact.
- Pareto Principle. Talk 20%, listen 80%. Almost guaranteed way to leave the impression that the conversation went well. Ask questions about them. Try to find them interesting and be curious. Again, just don't be weird about this one lol 😅 It's not an interigation 🧐.
#12
Whenever I’m stuck behind a slow driver who turns corners like a sloth, I have trained my brain to go to a rational belief: they must be driving around with an open fish bowl and a bunch of fish. Maybe they’re delivering fish to someone, or returning them to a store. Puts me in calmer frame of mind. I’m now thinking: hurry up! But not too fast. You don’t want to spill the fish!
Multa Nocte 4 hours ago
This is a pretty good idea and can turn out to be true. When my best friend got married many years ago, I was assigned the task of picking up her wedding cake from the bakery and driving it across town to her home where the wedding was occurring. It's usually a quick 15 minute trip, but with a towering wedding cake in the back seat, it's the longest trip of your life.
#13
Remembering people’s names and using it when greeting them as well as saying goodbye. “Hi Jim, how was your weekend?” “Ok Jim, have a great weekend!”
Everyone’s favorite word is their own name.
Nathaniel He/Him Cis-Het 4 hours ago
That is very interesting Jim, I will remember that Jim. I will be sure to utilise that from now on Jim. One question though Jim. Doesn't constant use of a person's name eventually become creepy Jim?
#14
The meaner someone is to me the nicer I am to them, eventually they're gonna feel [bad] about how they treat me.
Multa Nocte 4 hours ago
Well actually they won't. Sometimes they'll just think you are a patsy if they are a not very nice person.
#15
In customer service situations, telling the customer that you're on their side when they're angry about whatever will usually calm them down a reasonable degree.
Stephanie Did It 1 hour ago
This leaves you and the client with options without committing to a guaranteed outcome, and it's an open-ended process whereby the issue may be resolved or escalated even if you have to transfer them. Source: I was the go-to person for a large bank's executive complaint office.
#16
I struggle with socializing and I’ve found that people really enjoy talking about themselves. In fact I don’t really have to do a lot of work, I can go up to anyone and compliment them on something or ask them about their opinion on something and I’ll find out their life story within a few minutes. (It also helps to have a friendly facial expression and genuinely look interested even you’re not). Eventually the other person will stumble on a subject I can relate with or have interest in.
In psychology we learned that people are very “me me me” focused which makes sense that asking someone about something pertaining to them would get them to open up about themselves.
Also remembering people’s names really makes them happy.
nottheactualphoto 3 hours ago
It's great that you learned that in psychology. Instead of psychology, I took electromagnetic theory.
#17
When I notice that someone who I haven’t seen in a while seems to have forgotten my name, I throw in a quick story where someone else says my name. The more self-deprecating the story, the better. “My wife was just telling me the other day, ‘Dave, you don’t get out and see your old colleagues anymore’.” It’s an old trick I learned from the most socially astute person I know: Mom.
nottheactualphoto 3 hours ago
People come to me and say, "Dave..." No they don't. Nobody comes to you.
#18
Do not smile when someone tries to manipulate you by being "funny".
iDontLikeChimneys:
This is a good one. I work in comedy and there is a difference between giving a pity laugh, a real laugh (because you thought it was funny), and just full-stop silence.
Letting them soak in the silence is a lot more poignant than arguing with why you think they made a bad joke.
For instance, I have family members who think racism is funny. Not the tongue in cheek racism, the "i actually believe this" racism. I just sip my drink like Kermit and let them sit in it.
#19
Make it about “us” or “we”. A common best interest. Win-win.
Not confrontational, or any version of me versus you.
#20
Smiling and waving and acting genuinely happy to see people you know, even acquaintances. Sure you get blanked once in a while, but trying this out for a month, genuinely changed how I interact with people - and how they interact with me. I’m super shy, socially anxious, and I’d awkwardly avoid people. Until I did a mental inventory - who are MY favourite people to run into? And it was always the ones who seemed genuinely happy to see me. So, even if I don’t remember name, I now be the first to make eye contact and wave and smile big and say - oh it’s so nice to see you again! And instead of feeling lonely and shy and awkward, suddenly- people are happy to see me too. And now that I’ve been doing this - people do it back to me! They see me and smile and wave, and…wait..now I’m part of a community?!
Oh, and because I’m terrible at small talk with most people and if I overstay the conversation I WILL make things weird - I’ve learned how to do the greet and run - “Hey!! Ohmygod it’s SO nice to see you! Sorry I can’t chat I’m on a mission to… hope to see you soon!”
Sometimes (and more often these days) if I have the bandwidth, I’m able to actually catch up with them and chat a bit, but I don’t feel bad if I can’t. Other people mostly hate small talk too, lol.
#21
I had a session with a therapist where I told them how anxious I get when I notice a coworker is acting more distant towards me out of nowhere. She delivered a pretty hard-hitting response and told me "it's not always about you" and that's really stuck with me.
Instead of allowing myself to spiral endlessly in the "did I say something wrong? Did I do something wrong? Are they mad at me?" rumination, I instead recognize my thought and reframe. I let myself think, "perhaps something is going on in their personal life, and if there's something involving me, I have enough trust in this person to learn about it eventually."
And this does two things: it relieves my anxiety and emotional hypervigilance, and it reinforces a practice of trust in the relationships I've made with my coworkers.
#22
Whenever someone comes to me with a problem, I ask them if they're venting (want me to just listen); asking for advice; or asking me to fix something.
It prevents me from giving unwanted advice and also allows me to listen with a purpose in mind. It also helps the person realize what it is they need.
#23
Telling people they are smart in subtle ways wins you allies. You can’t be overwhelming with it. But if someone does something that works or makes a good call or predicts something, complement them on it. “That was a good idea” or “that worked really well” or “good idea” or “I liked how you (insert thing)”
At the end of the day, people just want to feel validated and valued and appreciated. Complementing their intelligence covers all those.
And again, don’t gush. Be subtle with it.
#24
The Ben Franklin effect. Ask someone for a small, insignificant favor. 'Hey, could you grab me a napkin?' or 'Can you watch my stuff for a sec?'
Their brain subconsciously justifies helping you by thinking, 'Well, I must like this person.' It's a weird cognitive dissonance trick that builds rapport out of thin air. Works surprisingly well.
#25
When you're introducing yourself to someone, when you give them a handshake try to see what the color of their eyes is. It makes you look them in the eye for just a tad longer which makes them feel more "seen", and the handshake will feel more sincere.
#26
My wife things I'm insane but I do this thing where I structure things in my head as things I have to do instead of things I need to do. Like - if the dishes need to be done then I have to do the dishes before I cook dinner or before I go to bed or something. And then, because it's a rule, I follow it. Because it's a rule and I have to follow rules.
But my wife is just like, "But it's not a rule - nobody is making you do the dishes in that situation. You can just choose not to do them."
"No I can't - they have to be done. It's a rule."
"That doesn't make any sense - I can say it's a rule that I have to fold laundry tonight but that doesn't create an obligation of any kind."
"OK - but you need to understand that if I acknowledge choice as a factor then I'm always going to make the wrong choice. I *have* to remove the ability for me to choose - otherwise our entire household is going to fall apart."
"That doesn't make any sense? How can you choose to remove choice as a factor?".
#27
It's not really a "cheat code," but… Build up people who are part of the same social circle but aren't currently present. For example, if you're out at dinner with your normal circle of friends and one of them isn't there, talk them up and share something positive about them to the rest of the group. Without consciously thinking about it, we start to become aware of the kind of things people in our social circles say about us when we're not present. Sort of like the "if he cheats on his girlfriend to be with you, he's going to cheat on you at some point too," there's a real character-revealing element when someone is bad-mouthing someone who isn't there, where we recognize that we might be spoken negatively about by the same friend when we're not there.
If you tell your group, "man, I can't believe how good John is getting at guitar" when John isn't there, you're planting seeds of trust in the others in your circle that if they're ever the ones that are missing from the social situation, you're more likely to be building them up than tearing them down. If you tell them, "I can't believe John still has that stupid mustache" and try to get a laugh out of them (assuming you wouldn't say that to John if he were there), you might get some laughs, but you'll also be planting seeds of distrust instead.
More broadly, apply the same technique even if the person is present. If you're hanging out with two people you know who don't know each other well and the subject is about desserts, tell Jenny, "Sarah here is an incredible baker. She made the best chocolate chip cookies for our Christmas party."
None of this has to be obvious or overt. Don't force these sort of things. But if you can associate in people's heads a sense of "this person builds people up" instead of "this person tears people down," especially (but not exclusively) when the person they're building/tearing isn't there, you're going to build a sense of trust in others.
#28
I trained my buddy to not curse so much around me. He didn't even realize I did it. it took a few days of doing this, but when we'd sit down and eat lunch, I'd listen and look at him and engage when he was talking, but when he cursed, I'd look away, or look down at my food, or "miss" something he just said. It was only around me that his behavior changed, and he didn't notice til a mutual friend noticed and said something.
#29
My husband is a trained counsellor and he taught me "active listening" , sounds simple but was really tricky.
If the person you're speaking to is talking and stops but hasn't asked a question leave a space for silence. More often than not they will elaborate or divulge something difficult that they're trying to work through.
Obviously this is aimed at getting people to open up about what's going on in their life, but its also a really good tool for getting to know someone.
Also sitting side by side with someone is the best way for conversation to flow.
#30
I use this at my tech job and not socially, but it’s my best trick: when I’m in a long, jargony meeting with people who are not clear communicators, I say “let me make sure I understand” and then repeat key points back in simpler language. If I’m having trouble following, other people are too, and they may not be brave enough to say so. If I get it, they’ll say so, and they ensures everyone gets it. If I don’t get it, they’ll try again, and then I’ll try again. No more meetings where everyone leaves with a different conclusion of what we discussed, or what we have to do next.
Nathaniel He/Him Cis-Het 4 hours ago
If I understand something but am aware that other colleagues may not, and that they maybe shy, especially newer members of the team, I like to play dumb and ask the silly questions so others do not have to, or feel embarrassed.
#31
When someone says something subtly [offensive] about you in front of the group, ask them to elaborate.
#32
Most angry people are happy to back down if their energy is not matched. If you stay calm, they will calm down eventually. And if they don’t, you can just walk away because they are [jerks].
#33
Look past people into the distance while walking in crowded spaces like airports, malls, or even in the grocery store aisles. People will presume you’re not noticing them and will give you space to continue walking without changing your own path.
It’s not 100%, but it’s pretty darn handy. I use it in airports all the time.
#34
When I find myself in a situation I don’t know how to handle, I think of who I know that could handle that situation, and then I just pretend to be that person. It works remarkably well.
Nathaniel He/Him Cis-Het 4 hours ago
I tried that once, it turned out I could not stop the bus suffering brake failure with my web.
#35
Extended eye contact. I win most arguments or bickerings by clearly and concisely stating my point without breaking eye contact. When someones arguing with insincerity or ignorance, direct eye contact shuts down their fire ime.
#36
For overcoming fear of public speaking--
When giving a presentation to a group of people, focus on the material from the perspective of what the audience wants to learn.
The more the approach has an attitude of *I'm just here to deliver information. What's the best way to present it?* the more it takes the focus off myself and onto our shared interest in the topic.
Start with what makes the topic useful or surprising. Think through the visuals. How much information does this audience start with? What terms need definitions? Can this include a demonstration? How much detail can this cover in the time available?
Then instead of feeling self-conscious in front of the audience, the talk becomes *Here's this fun topic, let's spend the next half hour enjoying it.*.
#37
I’ve been accused of gaslighting myself for happiness.
Basically I reframe negative situations until I find something positive or at least neutral to take away from it.
A lot of the time, I just need to take whatever is currently bothering me and fast forward until it no longer matters. Other times I look for silver linings. If I get in a real slump I look for a simple dumb win (found a good parking space, caught a light green, meeting wrapped early).
Stephanie Did It 1 hour ago
I saw a beautiful red Cardinal on the ground as I was driving, and felt happy right away. Then I realized it was just one of those little red surveyor's flags, but I wanted to keep the good feeling, so I decided it was a Cardinal after all. Made my day!
#38
You can break up work arguments by reminding the people we've all got the same goal so we shouldn't be fighting over it. Usually people are just tired or frustrated, they don't really want to fight over anything.
Likewise, if you get into a work argument, go apologize after you've cooled down. People will usually apologize in response and you can work together more smoothly.
#40
Asking people with genuity how their day is going, how they are doing, etc. and then listening. I like to look them in the eyes, address them by their name, and speak gently but affirmatively & with some enthusiasm & warmth. If I need to persuade someone, it is generally a safe and fair assumption that if someone doesn't know how much I care, they have no reason to care how much I know. Building rapport with people and showing that I genuinely care about their outcomes almost always helps me to find common ground and break through to people in difficult situations.
#41
When seeing someone I want to engage with, I sometimes fire off a flicker of an eyebrow raise when meeting their eyes. It signals to them that I recognize them and want to positively engage with them - and their brains pick up on it before their eyes do.
#42
Be genuinely interested in getting to know people. People love talking about themselves. Also, be tactfully direct while moving in a space of empathy. People trust it.
#43
Walking a chatty coworker back to their desk to get them to stop talking.
Nathaniel He/Him Cis-Het 4 hours ago
Or walk them to the stationary cupboard, and then lock them in it.
#44
When I was waiting tables, honesty and sincerity usually [wins]. Be honest about what you don’t like, then you can turn them in whatever direction you want and sell them anything. There were also a few hacks on the menu, where I could give them what they wanted save a few bucks and end up getting more for their money. Slightly screwing the restaurant to save the customer money is always a win for the server. Before anyone types. No it wasn’t anything illegal or underhanded.
#45
I bartend, I use peoples names a lot and act excited to see anyone I recognize. Plus I genuinely ask about their day and remember the things they talk about. But acting excited, similar to dogs when they see their owners, eventually makes them excited to see me too.
#46
Some people in tense situations will try to trip you up by provoking and baiting you. You'll know they're doing it when they start throwing any and every accusation and insinuation they can think of at you to see what works. But if you know this game, you can sometimes just take a deep breath and don't react. The whole point is to make you emotional and use that as a distraction/ justification of their own actions. But if you just watch them without saying anything, and use that time to think of a more constructive approach, they're left pulling a lever that's not attached to anything, and looking like an even worse person for trying it.
I've done security work and it's just a default mode for some folks, they don't get what they want from you so out comes the threats, insults, accusations, any angle they can work. Just ignoring them trying to deflect from their own behavior by making things personal with you is like a superpower, but if you have any kind of anger problem it can be difficult to do. After their rants I'd just calmly state my next course of action, like "ok I understand it's upsetting but I'm going to have to call X". Pointing out that they're the one who is upset really takes the wind out of their sails too, because to this type of person, whoever is emotional is the loser or in the wrong no matter the principles or regulations involved.
#47
Not so much a cheat code as it is a fun trick. But just hand people something. It doesn't matter what it is, they'll usually automatically take it. Just hand it to them without saying anything, walk away, and they'll be confused. It's funnier than it sounds.
Competitive_Bid3847:
I do this to my husband with my empty plates, bowls, etc. He usually just takes them without thinking and puts them in the dishwasher. After about a decade he started to catch on though.
#48
Tell the pretty girls they’re smart and tell the smart girls they’re pretty.
Nathaniel He/Him Cis-Het 4 hours ago
But what if the women crack the code and realise which women we do not think are attractive? "You are very intelligent" "What? How dare you call me ugly! "
#49
The best way to manage children is to *manage* children.
Most kids who are "acting out" are bored, have more energy/volume than is appropriate for the space, are very curious and explore with their hands, are tired/hungry/achey, or a combo of these. Giving kids an outlet for that restless energy is like rerouting lightning with a metal rod, give it a place to go and the lightning disperses. I work in retail and kids under 6 love to "be my helper". I have them put items in my basket, put a label on a box, take an item from one counter to another, etc. I also keep a few word searches handy for kids 5+ when the parents have to be seated for a while for paperwork. For those under 5, I draw a farm/fence on paper and ask the kid to draw animals or flowers for the garden.
If you don't have any physical things to use, ask questions or make observations. "I like your shirt, yours is red and mine is orange." "If you were a dragon, what kind would you be?" "What's the number that comes after 7, I can never remember!" (Kids love knowing something you "don't".) Keeping a kid engaged is how you keep them from running off or doing something dangerous. Kids will also understand if you tell them something is dangerous - "We don't put our hands on the knife because it's sharp and will hurt you" works better than "Keep your hands to yourself!"
Basically, treat kids like tiny, curious adults and you'll have a good time. But if they're very hungry/tired or are having a toddler meltdown, there's not much you can do, they need a reset physically before they can reset emotionally.
#50
This isn't really a cheat code but if you just treat customer service Representatives with respect, and express that you're upset at the situation but not at them, they are WAY more likely to actually want to help you.
Think about it this way, if somebody came to your place of work and started yelling at you, would you [care] about helping them? No. I always start by asking how their day is going, maybe make a little joke, and then they seem to go above and beyond to help me out. I'll often just tell them that I know it's not their fault, but I really need help with this "thing".
#51
When I am working on a customers equipment and they come to talk to me, I put down my tools and give them my full undivided attention. Works on 2 levels, they respect that I am listening to them, and if they talk to me a lot they eventually realize they are paying me over $300/hour to chat and will usually let me get back to work. I know coworkers that have billed customers 2+hours just to talk after finishing their work.
#52
If you got a good joke going and everyone's laughing--mission accomplished. shut up and let somebody else be the center of attention next, and don't let your joke keep going until it's not funny anymore.
in comedy comedians often end their sets with a joke that contains both new elements and is a callback to an earlier joke. people love callbacks but what's great about them in social situations is that it shows you were paying attention earlier. so if you make a joke that's a callback to somebody else's story and done with some degree of care for how they might feel about it, you can make a joke that not only gets everyone laughing but makes the group feel more bonded.
#53
Being the calm person.
Humans are animals and "feed" off each others instinctual emotional energy. If someone is nervous, then this spreads amongst a group, same as fear, anger etc.
By being that person is perpetually calm and in control of their emotions, it has an amazing impact on subduing the more primal instincts of others. This also projects an aura of confidence, which in turn makes people trust you.
#55
If you're trying to get more information out of someone, ask them a question, let them answer and then just stay quiet. Chances are, they will just keep talking to fill the silence.
If you're trying to build a rapport with someone, instead of telling them they're right, tell them you agree. It doesn't even have to be something that needs agreement, they could be saying that the sky is blue. Saying "I agree" instead of "That's right" unconsciously makes them think that you two are on the same side.
#56
When men repeatedly talk over me in meetings I say their name. People love the sound of their name. It gets their attention and shuts them up long enough for me to speak.
#58
Just pretend you already like them hack 😏. I focus on being genuinely interested in what they are saying, nod along and ask questions. It somehow makes both of us enjoy the conversation more and helps me feel less awkward at parties.
Multa Nocte 3 hours ago
Sometimes for us ladies that can work out poorly, as the person sometimes think you therefore have a possible romantic interest in them. It can be a fine line.
#59
When people express their problems to you, don’t immediately search for a solution or make a suggestion to fix it. Just express your concern and relate to their frustration, and offer help only if they ask for it, but if you offer help unsolicited, they feel pressured and disrespected that you think they haven’t thought of the solution already. They just want to vent, and when you offer unsolicited advice, it makes them feel like it’s their fault that they’re in their situation and not that it’s out of their control, which is what is frustrating them in the first place, the idea that they could solve all their problems if they were smarter or more proactive.
#60
I learnt this from an older post: think you are going to cry ? - count down from 100 in units of 7.
Saved me more than once from crying in front of my gf watching a movie.
#62
In conversation, I imagine I’m interviewing the other person so we keep the focus on them. I ask questions - not invasive or controversial ones, just appropriate to the situation. For example, if I’m at a professional conference and I’m sitting at a table with 7 strangers, I’ll do ice breakers with people on either side of me (where go you work? How long a drive or flight to get here?) then continue with questions like, what do you see as the biggest issue facing your industry these days?
I’m actually quite introverted and socially anxious, but years of meetings and conferences have helped me figure out what works, and this seems to work well. Purely social events with strangers are still uncomfortable, but fortunately most of my social life is with people I’ve known for years and feel very relaxed with.
#63
"You have a delightful secret that no one else knows, and everyone would be shocked and amazed if they knew it. You can't tell them, however, so just keep them talking and everything will be fine."
If you adopt this, you literally look more compelling. Your micro-expressions change, as well as your stance and demeanor. You tend to smile when not directly interacting and look more engaged/amused by others. Additionally, by getting people to talk more, you are endearing yourself to them. People like people who listen...especially those who listen well.
When you are asked to talk, you can provide shorter answers while following up with your own questions. You don't want the secret to slip, so you are just a bit more mindful of your words.
All of this adds up to easier, calmer, and more fruitful social interactions. Just convince yourself that you have a secret that you are forbidden to share, smile, and ask questions.
#64
If you want to win at rock paper scissors, tell the other person “I like the fabric of your shirt” right before throwing hands and pick rock.
My theory is it subconsciously primes them with fabric = scissors. It’s never failed me but it’s also never come actually been useful. So enjoy that useless information.
Nathaniel He/Him Cis-Het 4 hours ago
Alternatively say I like your erection, then they will pick paper, paper beats rock hard.
#65
Asking people for clarity.
#66
People will admit to anything if you rationalize and contextualize it properly. That's how interrogations actually work, as opposed to what you see in movies/TV.
#67
Announce your intention before your statement. "I only ask out of ignorance, but..." "I'm asking to make sure I get it right,...." "This isn't an excuse, I don't have one. It's an explanation"
Takes two seconds to announce and prevents any "what do you mean" or unintended tone being perceived. And you actually have a constructive conversation
Tl;dr learn to properly communicate
And a good phrase I follow to make sure I'm more persuasive is "talk like a gazelle, speak like a lion." Balance your tone and directly speak then stay quiet. Let it be silent for a few seconds.
Edit: if you're in an escalating situation, do not match the aggressive tone. Remain the calm and settled one. Slowly the other person starts to drop their guard and get to a productive point. Using basic logic to break down something helps. For example, "do you know that you signed a contract? Did we go over and agree on the terms? Did you have any questions prior to this? Do you understand why what you did was unethical? If someone else did this, would you want them written up? Therefore, would it not make sense that I have to write you up too?" Something along those lines.
#68
Let emotions pass through you feeling them and feeling them leave, the analogy is let it hit you like a wave full force and just as quickly it dissipates. Works all the time most of the time.
Multa Nocte 3 hours ago
Works all the time most of the time some of the time. OK, it happened once. I think.
#69
With oblivious, narcissistic, defensive personalities instead of correcting them I invent a story and claim that I learned from my mistake, something that I learned, etc. works 99% of the time in getting them to acknowledge the issue though they wouldn’t admit they’ve been doing it.
It’s exhausting to babysit them like this though.
#70
I've done a lot of stage work, even was a stage manager for a few summers. I've learned that it's easier and better to have the noun of your sentence be the object, not the person.
So, don't say it like, "I need you to move this chair to storage" or "Could you move this chair to storage?" Both sentences have "you" or "I" as the subject of the sentence. Instead, change the subject to a thing: "This chair needs to go to storage." By making this change, anyone in hearing range will be much more likely to take the initiative and perform the task. The person won't have as much pressure on them to specifically do the task.
#71
When I first became a broker I had an old pro ask me if I had a younger sibling or relative that I know I could pretty much talk into anything. Then he had me pitch as if I was talking to that person. That blend of familiarity, confidence and inevitability is like a super power when used to convince strangers.
#72
Never treat correcting someone as a negative interaction, if you view it internally as teaching them something to give them improvement they can perceive it and will be more receptive to the correction.
#74
When a person is speaking nonstop and you want to avoid interrupting them, wait for a small opening to acknowledge their point. Then interrupt yourself, not them, to politely excuse yourself and exit the conversation.
What do you think ?
Nathaniel He/Him Cis-Het 3 hours ago
"Respect isn't given, it is earned." In professional fields maybe, but day to day? Bollocks. If you cannot give others the base level of respect we all deserve, then why should anyone respect you?
General Anaesthesia 1 hour ago
"You get my respect on first encounter. From then on it's yours to lose."
Load More Replies... Nathaniel He/Him Cis-Het 3 hours ago
"Respect isn't given, it is earned." In professional fields maybe, but day to day? Bollocks. If you cannot give others the base level of respect we all deserve, then why should anyone respect you?
General Anaesthesia 1 hour ago
"You get my respect on first encounter. From then on it's yours to lose."
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