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Dating is tricky even when the odds seem good. Say you're both from the same town, are familiar with each other's beloved spots, and have a few mutual acquaintances. There's still a million reasons why the night may come to an end way sooner than expected.
But does that mean you should lock yourself inside? No. Meeting others can bring out sides of yourself you didn't know existed and teach you so much about people. You just need to be ready to react—especially if the person you're seeing comes from a different background.
One Redditor recently asked everyone on the platform who has been involved with people from other cultures what surprised them the most, and received nearly two thousand replies. Here are the more memorable ones: the green, red, and beige flags.
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#1
I’m a white boy who dated a Lebanese girl through HS and early parts of college.
First off…they are all EXTREMELY beautiful, as in her extended family was 50+ deep and they were almost to a person insanely good looking.
Her Mother was 50 and looked 30, never wore makeup because she didn’t need to.
Second…are you hungry? Would you like to never be hungry again?
Show up at a Lebanese house and they will stuff you full of food, and by food, I mean the best tasting dishes I’ve ever had and I was a chef for 20 years.
Everything is made fresh, tabouleh, hummus, kebab, my God, just the cheese alone was to die for, fattoush, baba ghanouj, etc
Once you are part of the family, there’s literally nothing they won’t do for you as long as you are respectful.
I blew a tire once, her brother showed up on the side of the road an hour later (early cell phone days) with a new tire, switched it out and told me to be nice to his sister.
Wouldn’t take a dime in return payment.
I helped paint their house one summer, stayed over at the house that night, woke up and my car was gone.
Her Dad had taken it to a repair shop and got my brakes fixed that I had been complaining about.
When we broke up, it was doubly painful because I had to say goodbye to so many people that had become really important to me beyond my ex.
10/10 experience.
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#2
That if you need to communicate your feelings, boundaries and all that relationship stuff, it is harder to do in your second, or third language. Expressing yourself in your native language can be hard sometimes, let alone in a non-native language..
#3
I have a sweet one. I'm from Latin America, he's German.
At the beginning, he wouldn't flirt at all (according to me). He wouldn't try to get physically close to me, hug me by my waist, no great romantic gestures, which are expected from the man in my culture. It got to the point where I wasn't sure if he liked me. What he would do, was find the time to do things with me, and would reply to my texts super fast, even during working hours.
Was talking to one of my friends of 10+ years, who also happened to be living in Germany at that point for 3 years (I had just moved). He told me "are you crazy? That man's head over heels for you. Germans value time above everything, and he's giving it to you. He's literally giving you the thing he values the most in the world to you". Next time we met, I asked him directly if he liked me and he was like "of course! Why else would I give you my time?!?". Lol, we still joke that we owe our relationship to my BFF for clarifying that cultural difference.
#4
I dated a Dutch girl. Even in a car centric American city, she insisted on riding her bike everywhere. She also frequently took the bus even though that’s thought of as something for poor people.
She understood the nuances of American culture but I initially found her Dutch friends and family to be blunt and quite frankly rude. Later I began to appreciate the direct communication style of Dutch culture. It can be quite refreshing that Dutch people don’t beat around the bush and dispense with fake pleasantries. .
#5
What surprised me? That a man from a totally different culture/life experience – him Persian and me British- was the one that completed me, was truly my soulmate. My best friend and the one with whom I saw eye to eye on literally everything. I didn’t just date him though, we married and had a son together and sadly he passed very suddenly and way too young. There’s not a day goes by I don’t miss him.
Binky Melnik 3 hours ago
Ah, nuts. I went into this expecting funny and illuminating stories, and wasn’t prepared for tragedy. I’ve managed to keep it to one tear so far, and am hopeful the rest will go back to funny/illuminating.
#6
Just how busy everyone is in Japan. If you ask a girl out and she's keen, she will whip out her calendar on her phone and ask if you have any days free next month. When a girl I was dating told me that in her last 1-year long relationship she'd only actually met her ex-boyfriend maybe 10 times total, I was floored but then I asked a group of about 6 Japanese women how often they meet their boyfriend when they're dating and it was once per week, once per two weeks x2, once per month x 3. "If you're both working, it's hard to find time to meet" Text message responses come back 2 days later because texting at work isn't a thing and when ppl come home they want to claim some time for themselves and unwind instead of play secretary to the incoming messages on their phone.
#7
That a lot of things that I marked up as cultural differences were actually massive red flags that when translated to my culture would have made me run.
#8
I’m a white American and my wife is from a Mexican family.
What probably has surprised me the most is how close her family is. For weddings or big events the whole family will contribute money. Your house breaking in Mexico? Everyone will pitch it. Basically family crowdfunding.
From my own family I thought my wife was literally being scammed by her own family. But really they just have actual community and help each other.
The other surprise is just the sheer number of social events and the expectation to attend regularly. There are some gender differences here as well, but I’m a bit of an introvert, however my wife tends to feel obligated to attend many many social events for fear of not being there for family.
#9
Dated an Indian, found out how enmeshed he was with his family and their expectations, to the extent he cried about having been born into Indian culture, constantly dragged down western culture and women despite living here and planning to stay on with citizenship. Also expected me to be best friends with his mother (who I had met once and who lived on the other side of the world) by asking me to harass her with phone calls and one-sided texts so she could feel ‘safe’ and get over her fear that I was stealing her son away.
Sapna Sarfare 2 hours ago
Indian here.. it is prominent.. indian women face men like these.. reason why many prefer staying single. also many indian women are now independent and dont take b******t
#10
I dated a Filippina who told me I was not dominant enough for her. She said it was not my fault, that her culture had taught her to be obedient to her man, and that she knew I would never provide the kind of relationship she would be comfortable with. I was shocked.
Binky Melnik 3 hours ago (edited)
Of all the cultures I’ve ever interacted with (and it’s been a LOT); I thought it was a lot when I lived in CA, but in NYC, there are times when it seems everyone around you is from somewhere else, and Filipinos get the prize as the nicest people of ALL of them, by far! There are, however, degrees of “dominant,” and I wouldn’t say they’re “dominant” in an absolute sense is appropriate to describe the men. There are cultures where most men are *intolerably* dominant, and Filipinos don’t begin to approach that. More dominant than some? Sure, but on an absolute scale, I’d put ‘em closer to the middle. (Maybe that’s my experience because I’m white and a LOTTA Filipinos like white women, so perhaps that colors what I saw somewhat, but I never, ever saw Filipino couples where I thought “That guy is an аsshole; he treats her badly!”)
#11
Couples therapist once said everyone is from a different culture, even if we're neighbours. Every family and every history has its own deviations from the norm. He said there were more similarities than oddities, celebrate them both.
#12
I dated a Muslim guy who told me he used to “fool around” with other guys. When I asked if he was bi, he said "Nonono, not bi, that’s unacceptable! I just like to “fool around”. Mmm, okay!
#13
I whisper to my girlfriend "what are they fighting about"?
my girlfriend stops the dinner conversation to make an announcement in Italian, that the Canadian wants to know what the men are fighting about. everyone bursts out laughing.
the men explain they are not fighting but rather exchanging recipes.
then her mother invites me into the kitchen for a cigarette and flirts with me. i was 18.
they were Milanese transplants.
#14
I’m going to call this a different culture.
I’m from New England and my ex was from the deep south.
The church culture for them is insane. Church is just were everything in the town is, all the meetings, all the social clubs, literally everything.
Growing up we only went to church in Christmas and Easter, but they actually go every Sunday and then again during the week several times for social functions.
#15
How difficult it was for her to express herself when we had fights or disagreements. We both spoke in English which is my native language and hers is Korean. She would get so frustrated that she couldn’t really express what she was thinking because A. Her English wasn’t fluent enough and B. Even if she spoke Korean, I would have no idea wth she was saying.
I eventually learned enough Korean, got married to her and now get the full wrath of her temper lol. Love her to death though.
#16
Trinidadian married to a Dane. I had to get used to how low-key everything is here when it comes to celebrating things. In Trinidad it doesn't matter how big or small, every gathering is essentially a party with tons of food and alcohol and music, and people typically hang out for hours and hours. In Denmark, unless it's a super special occasion like an anniversary dinner or a birthday luncheon, gatherings are super laid back. No music, no alcohol, and usually only finger foods and coffee/tea. It was...difficult getting used to it lol.
Binky Melnik 3 hours ago
I’ll BET it was tough to get used to! As an introvert, I’ve made myself a note: “Either avoid Trinidadians or learn to be more of a people-person.” Since the letters is unlikely to happen at my age, I think Trinidadians can do without me. ☺️
#17
Attitude to being sick. Partner was Indonesian, and in their culture when a child is sick, the whole household revolves around them. So when they were sick, expected me to completely drop everything thing and spoil them. When I was sick as a kid, the phrase I recall from my parents was ‘you are not going to die’ - and apart from being made comfortable, everyone carried on normally. Caused alot of friction, as they thought I was uncaring, I thought they were attention seeking.
#18
Dated an indian and its shocking how the family just show up always uninvited and no one seems to mind, middle of business calls they just welcome you in.
Sapna Sarfare 2 hours ago
Thats normal sadly.. thankfully things are changing. its a slow process
#20
People from Spain pass off anger issues and emotional instability as "passion."
It's not passion, José, you need therapy.
Also, a person can indeed love their mom TOO much. Lol.
#21
Im southern European, dated a Swede for 7 years.
The thing that annoyed me the most and ended the relationship was that "Well look into it" and "Let's see" basically mean a polite no to them. For me, it literally meant let's figure it out and find a compromise.
Kristiina Männiste 1 hour ago
"Well look into it" and "Let's see" mean no for Estonians too. Maybe it has something to do with the weather? You have to be polite when disagreeing with people who can kick you out to a snowstorm.
#22
My Canadian sister was posted to Milan for two years. She claims she was surrounded by two dozen male colleagues who, in public, were all suave, worldly, socially confident and aggressive - but behind closed doors they almost inevitably turned into whiny, needy little momma’s boys.
Her boss, a divorced, 45 year old international bank executive, *actually sent his laundry back to his home village by bus every week , so his mommy could do his wash.* And once he asked my sister to sew a sleeve button back onto his $3,000 suitcoat ….*once*. She unleashed a few short, choice phrases of street Neapolitan she had been taught by her elderly neighbour and adoptive *nonno.*
Another colleague had a red-faced temper tantrum right in front of her, when he found out his sister had pneumonia and wouldn’t be dropping off his regular weekly allotment of homemade frozen dinners.
My sister quickly grew to be contemptuous of virtually all Italian men, simply on principle. She was offered a generously compensated two-year extension, but instead returned to Canada a couple of years ago. And she is still surprisingly gimlet-eyed and antagonistic toward any Italian-looking guy who *dares* try to chat her up.
#23
Dating a white American guy….the way he talks to his mother and siblings was SOOOO shocking! They’re so candid and loud and so quick with deep cut insults, but they laugh it off and move on in an instant. My Asian parents would smite me if I’d try something like that.
#24
The concept of 'splitting the bill' on the first date. In my culture, if you invite someone, you pay. But when I dated a Dutch guy, we split everything down to the price of a side of fries. It felt like I was doing my taxes, not going on a date.
#25
Am American and husband is Italian. Italians are known to be expressive and very forward with their emotions but I had to teach my husband to bring his expression of frustration down a few notches.
Despite our stereotypes of being more prone to physical violence, Americans don’t do well with open hostile confrontations that involve a lot of yelling whereas Italians tend to get in screaming matches then go back to acting like eveything is normal.
He’s had to learn to approach me (and others here) in a more cooled off manner.
On the flipside, I’ve had to learn to center food, food-related activities, and etiquette in my life. Quickly eating a meal alone before getting back to business is normal for Americans, but operating in this way seems to make Italians SAD.
#26
As an American who dated an Italian, being the same age and not having common childhood references was strange. Like “oh remember that cartoon that everyone watched??” and they have no idea what you’re talking about, and likewise you have no idea what they’re talking about with their references.
It shouldn’t have been a surprise really, I just didn’t realize before how different our experiences would be.
#28
Americans in my view appear very confrontational and dramatic. I live in a culture where nobody acknowledges anything ever.
Kristiina Männiste 1 hour ago
Probably an Estonian. We never talk about issues. In my family people have died because they did not want to bring their (health) problems up.
#29
As a western person, i'm used to independent women working high end jobs being very anti traditional gender roles. Dated a bulgarian girl and she was very independent and working a high end job, yet was very traditional, wanting a man to do all the 'man' stuff (like take out the bin, fight anyone who looked at her wrong, order for her at meals, etc.) and for her to do the 'woman' stuff (clean, cook, look after the kids, etc.) Was interesting.
#30
My eastern european man was very shocked with heavily spiced and seasoned food (southeast asian here) and the fact that I got surprised with unexpected gifts, barely ask for anything, and cannot express what I want directly.
All i wanted was food and spending time. And this still baffles him (we have been together for 5 years).
Also well, smiling all the time, to everyone. Southeast Asians are generally very happy and positive people, despite adversities. .
Binky Melnik 3 hours ago
We folks of Eastern European descent were mostly raised on pretty bland food. I think it’s because we used all the spices in the vodka. 😀 (Seriously, you’ve not lived if you haven’t had horseradish vodka (my favorite!), rosemary vodka, or pepper vodka.) (If you like to try any of those, simply slice some horseradish, shove it into the bottle, and let it sit in the freezer for at least three days. Rosemary you can shove shove the twigs in. Peppers you slice like the horseradish and slide those in the same way.) It wasn’t until I went to live with an aunt in CA married to a Chinese/Filipino man that I learned what FLAVOR! can be like.
#31
Dated a Chinese (shang) girl and her parents did NOT like my darker skin color.
Betty Spaghetti 3 hours ago
Yeah… our bias against any shades darker than paper-white is real…
#32
I learned that my girlfriend's family's "polite disagreement" involved a full-on, three-hour debate where i was expected to participate. my american brain was just screaming "everyone please stop being mad" while they were all having the time of their lives.
SouthernGal 4 hours ago
Sounds like intellectual verbal banter, which can be fun if everyone knows the expectations and appropriate level of aggressiveness.
#34
I’m English, and my partner is American.
American culture is sometimes so, so different from what I’m used to. The attitude to respect, and the expectation of deference to, for example, his parents (calling them sir/ma’am) is just crazy to me.
Laura Gillette 5 hours ago
This seems like a specific American subculture. Likely the deep south.
#35
How appreciative and open ppl from other cultures are. Dating someone from the same culture it seems things are expected. But when dating someone from another culture, once those initial boundaries come down and the understanding gets better. There’s a whole new level of appreciation, communication and care afterwards.
I definitely recommend.
Binky Melnik 2 hours ago
“How appreciative and open ppl from other cultures are”: Here’s a generalization that simply isn’t true for all (or even most) cultures. There are a LOTTA cultures where dating outside of it is frowned upon and worse (and sometimes WAY worse). This person’s apparently had a LOTTA dating luck to believe this way!
#36
American, dating a Slovak: we're on the same page for most things, but small points in communication styles can still trip me up sometimes. When we started dating I'd sometimes say "thank you" for doing some small task or something, and she'd usually say "it's okay". For Americans this kind of flat response, rather than a "you're welcome" or "no problem", can be read as maybe being dissatisfied or annoyed that you had to do it, but after a while I managed to figure out that no, she wasn't upset at me or anything, she just literally meant "it's okay", and from her perspective saying anything more would be unnecessary.
#37
How common blended families are in America. Step parent and brother and half sister is just the beginning. Apparently celebrating Four Christmases (the Vince Vaughn/ Reese Witherspoon Christmas movie) isn’t just in the movies.
It’s mind boggling just keeping track of everyone. In my social circle where I’m from divorce isn’t that common and remarriage even less so.
#39
When he broke up with me because he had to marry his cousin.
Binky Melnik 3 hours ago
I’d just like to point out that in quite a few cultures, “cousins,” “aunties,” and “uncles” are often names given to people we love to honor them, despite the fact they’re not blood relatives. (Asians and Indians in particular do this a LOT.) In some places, though, like the southern US, when they use these terms, they mean them literally. I’d like to point out, though, they don’t often mean “first cousin” n those other cultures, but I absolutely *do* know some Indian first cousins who’ve married. I don’t judge ‘em for it, the same way I don’t want ‘em judging me for *my* culture. I just keep my trap shut and congratulate them on their marriage.
#40
My wife is Icelandic.
I didn't know she was quite seriously religious and not just mildly Christian adjacent until after we were married because "that's not your business." Er, all right. Did you not want anything in the ceremony, or... (she did not)
Icelanders are what Americans would read as deeply passive aggressive but what they would read as carefully nonconfrontational. This has caused some issues. No one voices that there's a problem coming down the line until it's about to explode.
We had a time and a half actually getting together because, on top of both being carefully nonconfrontational, they expect clear blunt communication about important positive things. I thought she didn't really like me for the longest time, but she was just really deeply confused because I didn't on our third time hooking up announce "We are dating now" or similar. I am now aware that the typical mating ritual for the ice people is to sleep together a lot, have a kid or three, and then declare that you're maybe going steady.
It's like marrying into The Sovereign Kingdom of Asperger's. Until they get drunk at the family party, in which case it becomes The Sovereign Kingdom of Confessional Ravers.
#41
My boyfriends parents are from Hong Kong but he was born here and so were his sisters. So far nothing has surprised me.
What was a culture shock was how nice everyone was to each other. The kids all get along. No one is mean, no one is getting bullied. The adults are all nice to each other and get along well. It's been an eye opening experience to be part of. I'm from a place where people were cruel on purpose. Bullying and hurting me was greatly encouraged. Mum wasn't kind, there were no hugs or love, I was just expected to figure out everything alone. I mean everything. I was scared, anxious and lonely. The family I'm adjacent to, they're super lucky to have been born into it. It's not perfect, no family is, but it's what I wanted as a kid. I'm lucky to be just on the side, looking in sometimes. Sometimes getting to join in.
#42
Just how similar we are, despite growing up on different continents, with different religions.
#43
It was extremely brief dating, but I asked him how his parents would react because I wasnt Asian (being vague for anonymity). He assured me it was his choice, not his parents'. He ended up married to an Asian gal, his parents were ecstatic even with the post wedding revelation she was a transracial adoptee and under no fault of her own, very little cultural connection to her heritage. They just wanted someone who looked like them.
#44
I dated a Filipino guy for 2 years in my early 20s. His family moved to the US when he was 16. His family accepted me immediately even though I'm a mix of Sephardic Jew, native American, and eastern European. I was always invited to parties and other events. His parents and their friends would try and teach me Visayan (their dialect), introduced me to new foods, and the joys of bad karaoke while tipsy on brandy. On the weekends, my exes mom would insist that I stay the night with them as I was her weekend coffee buddy. The relationship ended on good terms, we just wanted different things in life.
A few years later I dated a first generation American Korean guy. He was great, but his parents despised me because of my ethnicity. They wouldn't speak English around me. They didn't like it when I came over to visit. They hated it when we moved in together. My ex worked long hours and his dad would often show up to our place right as I got home from work to visit my exes dog. He would just glare at me, and would just say the dog's name. He wouldn't step foot in our place, just hang outside with the dog and ring the doorbell when he left. It was another amicable breakup, but instead of us wanting different things out of life it was moreso that we wouldn't be able to really have a future due to his parents disapproval.
#45
SE Asian are totally assuming their racist views
Their family become shared responsibilities.
Binky Melnik 2 hours ago (edited)
“Totally assuming”? Does anyone here understand that? About the “shared responsibilities,” I’m wondering whether the target of the racism is expected to join in or to bow the hell out! ETA: I think I just grokked that second sentence: The “outsider” is expected to share in the responsibility for the family (right?). ‘Cause yeah, I’m familiar with that part in quite a few cultures.
#46
I had to go hunting for”fun” the other weekend. Sat in a tree in freezing cold and didn’t see any deer for 8 hours.
Kristiina Männiste 1 hour ago
You got off easy! Imagine if you had shot a deer. The 8 hours freezing and then having to skin and butcher a large beast in a mess of snow, mud and various bodily fluids.
#47
I didn’t speak the language. Most important lesson… They are not arguing with each other. They are just speaking passionately. 😂.
#48
Asian hospitality culture shocked me. Saying “no thanks” to food wasn’t polite, it was a personal attack on generations of cooking. Ever since, I just ate everything they gave me and they're all satisfied. Wholesome experience.
#49
I dated a few Brazilian girls for a while and thought they were amazing but was never comfortable how quickly they “move to the next stage”. I’d met families, FaceTimed parents by the 3rd date, within a couple of months I’d gotten ultimatums about marriage and living together. I’m married to an American woman now and realize that Brazilians are much better in a lot of ways but the speed in which they move was just overwhelming.
#51
My wife grew up super rich (private planes, multiple houses, help) and I grew up pretty poor. It was almost like we grew up on different planets.
#52
Dating many Indian men, it surprised me the most how painful their cultural expectations are.
#53
I've dated a muslim guy before im surprised how frequent they pray everyday but are allowed to married multiple women without getting divorced.
#54
They were from a ‘fancy’ culture but they just as much trashy drama as my poor redneck family.
#55
I dated an Indian guy. what surprised me the most was that he was very kind, quiet and patient. i've never met such people.
#56
That dating white girls comes with tons of medications.. that and her whole family are medicated.
What do you think ?
V 2 hours ago
I used to date the only son of a wealthy, single, Muslim Turkish woman. I come from a vaguely Christian/agnostic/athiest, poor new Zealand family. There actually weren't as many cultural differences as I would have thought, his mother was an absolute gem and I would have happily kept her when we split up, lol, but he was just kind of boring and didn't really want to do anything beyond playing video games and drinking beer. I enjoy that but not all the time.
V 2 hours ago
I used to date the only son of a wealthy, single, Muslim Turkish woman. I come from a vaguely Christian/agnostic/athiest, poor new Zealand family. There actually weren't as many cultural differences as I would have thought, his mother was an absolute gem and I would have happily kept her when we split up, lol, but he was just kind of boring and didn't really want to do anything beyond playing video games and drinking beer. I enjoy that but not all the time.
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