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Family obligations are one of those things that most people feel they (and others) have, but few can actually identify exactly where they begin and end. So it’s unfortunately a common cause of conflict and drama when one family member has expectations of another that don’t match reality.
A man asked the internet for advice on how to handle a family situation that arose when his parents asked him to take in his non-verbal autistic brother. When he initially refused, they stopped talking to him. We reached out to the man who made the post via private message and will update the article when he gets back to us.
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Taking care of disabled relatives is something most families would see as normal
Image credits: rawpixel.com / freepik (not the actual photo)
But one man ended up getting into conflict with his parents when he wouldn’t take in his autistic brother
Image credits: Andrej Lišakov / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image credits: PlaceboPill / freepik (not the actual photo)
Image credits: throwRA67676789
Some family situations don’t have easy answers
Family ties are strong, and when one of the family members has a disability, these ties get challenged in multifaceted ways. For a 28-year-old male whose parents insist that he bring home his 23-year-old non-verbal autistic brother, the battle is high-stakes. When he declined, his parents shut him out, leaving him with what feels like an inner conflict between wanting to assist and being aware that he cannot realistically care for his brother on a full-time basis. These circumstances are more common than most are aware, and they require compassion not only for the disabled person, but for both sides of the care arrangement.
Step one is knowing that knowing your limitations does not mean you don’t care. Twenty-four-hour caregiving is tiresome, not only for your emotions but your body as well. It typically requires specialized training, money, and support systems. One inexperienced person can easily burn out, serving no one, certainly not the brother who needs capable, routine care. By understanding you cannot do this alone, you are actually protecting your brother from an unworkable situation.
Parents assume that the siblings will “step up” as caregivers when they are no longer able to. That is a natural expectation of love and fear, but one which can also unrealistically burden one person with a lifetime of duty. It is natural to feel guilty about refusal, but guilt does not require responsibility. Your worth as a brother is not gauged by whether you are able to equal the competence of a professional caregiver. It’s quantified by how much you help in ways that are feasible and meaningful. Just because you can’t be there full-time doesn’t mean you can’t assist. Some functional alternatives include:
- Advocacy: Look up programs, grants, or living situations for adults with autism and pass along that information to your parents or local officials.
- Respite Support: Agree to take short shifts or weekends off to provide breaks for other caregivers, as opposed to being the primary caregiver.
- Financial Support: If at all possible, contribute to a care fund that offers professional services.
- Affiliation: Stay connected with your brother through visiting, calling, or shared activities. Emotional support is as critical as everyday care.
These conflicts can escalate to the point where no one is talking to each other
Image credits: jet-po / freepik (not the actual photo)
Being estranged by your parents is painful but typically reflects their fear of the future over anything else related to you. They may fear what will happen to your brother once they are no longer capable of taking care of him. That fear can take the form of pressure or anger. If contact is re-established, try to listen with empathy and hold firm boundaries. You can say that you do want to be involved, but only in a way that will work with your life. Boundaries are not rejection, indeed, they are clarity.
You don’t have to go through this alone. Processing feelings of resentment and guilt in therapy might prove useful, and calling disability advocacy groups may get you some concrete choices. Adult care programs, group homes, or supported living arrangements are often available in communities to help lift the burden off families. Being aware of what’s out there may assuage your parents’ fears and give you bargaining leverage when you meet with them again.
No single sibling must bear the entire burden of lifelong responsibility. Families, professionals, and communities all chip in. By refusing to accept an unsustainable situation, you’re not abandoning your brother. You’re safeguarding both you and him from a dynamic that would collapse under pressure. Your role can still be significant, it just needn’t be total. You can be an engaged, loving brother without being a caregiver all the time. Boundaries are not selfish. It’s an act of integrity that provides your brother with consistent, professional care he needs, and keeps you healthy enough to be present in his life in a sustainable way.
He gave some clarifications in the comments
Readers generally saw his point of view and some gave a few suggestions
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What do you think ?
LakotaWolf (she/her) 2 months ago
As someone who spent 21 years being a caregiver for a completely-disabled family member, I can tell you that, no matter how much you love the person, it will destroy you. When you're family, you can't just "quit" caregiving. I don't begrudge my dad the years I devoted to caring for him after his accident, as I loved him dearly, but I was 18 when it happened and 39 when he died. I never finished college, never got a Bachelor's degree. I never had a "real" job or a career. I never got married or had a family. I never felt like I could even progress in my relationship with my now-ex, because I was living at home taking care of my dad and had no end in sight. I have no skills or certifications. I'm kind of effed. I rarely went on vacations during those two decades. If you're caring for the person in your own home, you don't really get a "day off". Even hiring professionals doesn't give you entire respite. Charlie needs to be in a facility. My dad SHOULD have been in one. But it sucks.
R Dennis 2 months ago
My wife is the legal guardian for two half-siblings who are bipolar schizophrenic. Her mom couldn't handle it, so my wife took it on. It has been difficult and I try to support her. Her brother has been violent, so he was never allowed to live with us. The sister stayed with us a short time. But both have been homeless or we put them up in hotels or rented them apartments. Eventually, she got them into care homes. That's really the only option for OP. The parents should have worked on that when he was a teenager, not planning to burden their other child. *I'm sorry you didn't have the opportunity to lighten your burden, LW.
Load More Replies...
Deborah B 2 months ago
I would recommend talking to Adult Social Services and a specialist lawyer familiar with the legal and social support system in your country, to find out what legal sibling responsibility exists, and what care options will be available for Charlie when his parents are no longer able to manage. Residential care is likely Charlie's best option, soon, while his parents are able to visit frequently, and monitor his situation and quality of care. Charlie may even benefit from the move. He may have more access to occupational and communication therapy, and the chance to be around peers, and possibly to enjoy friendship and companionship his parents or brother can't give him. The transition will be difficult, but a transition to his brother as the main carer would also be difficult. OP is right to refuse - Charlie's situation is tragic, but he should not sacrifice his own career, relationships and entire life to personally be Charlie's carer.
arthbach 2 months ago
The one good thing about this situation is the parents are engaging in succession planning. They understand they have a responsibility to their autistic son to ensure his needs are being met when they are no longer able to do so. Their prefered solution is not a good one; it will not work. One possible way forward would be to start with a bit of respite care, and then transition their autistic son into a residential home.
Sue User 2 months ago
They started the process too late. They " took care " of Charkie, but didnt do it right. Charlie bit tge OPs friend, so sounds like Charlie is nit oroperly socialised. Transitioning to a care home now will be hard and traumatic. The parents did the best they could, but not the best for Charlie.
Load More Replies...
Dog Mom to Zoe 2 months ago
My younger sister is doing this with my mother who has dementia. She won't put her in a care home. She doesn't realize that it has hurt my Mom not to be in a place where they would work with her. I even asked to put her on a list in case something happens to her, that at least Mom would have someplace to go. My eldest siter and I will not take her. It's like watching a 3 year old.
LakotaWolf (she/her) 2 months ago
I'm sorry, Dog Mom :( My family cared for my maternal grandmother when I was aged 11 to 13 (she had ALS) and then my father when I was aged 18 to 39 (traumatic brain injury from accident.) Both times, my afflicted family members could have benefitted significantly from being in a specialized care facility. The worst part is that I'm sure being a full-time caregiver is also destroying your sister as well, physically, emotionally, and mentally - even if she won't admit it. It is especially devastating because you are seeing a parent, who you have a lifetime of memories of, suddenly not know you (I know how that feels - that is what happened with my dad.) I'm sure you and your older sister are also suffering even if you're not primary caregivers :( I do understand a small measure of how your sister may feel - she may want to not "give in" and may view a care home as "losing" your mom permanently/giving up. All my hugs to you. I hope you're doing as well as you can be. <3
Load More Replies...
G A 2 months ago
Not your circus, not your monkey. Parents are well out of order. If they can't take that, leave them to resolve issues.
Petra Peitsch 2 months ago
I feel the same. Also I feel, that the parents should have give up on Charlie, when it was obvious, he will never be a functioning human being. For their own and for the OP's sake to have a real family. They are living in Europe. Unless they are not living in a poor Balkan state, there are facilities in most european coutries, what can take for people with special needs. Therefore we are paying taxes.
Load More Replies...
Somebodys grandmother 2 months ago
Nta. OP's parents are sick because of that brother - he doesn't want that life... I wouldn't either.
LaurieAnnaT 2 months ago
Question for the parents: If your older son was killed in a car accident tomorrow, what would be your plans for your autistic son? Yeah, basically you have to have alternatives. Relying entirely on your older son is not an option, so start working on Plan B.
Catherine Kane 1 month ago
I used to work for a department of developmental delay in the US. In addition to residential settings, our agency also had respite care, where family with a disabled family member living at home could get him respite for a weekend. this would be great for Charlie- he could get used to another setting and possibly get long term placement later on and your parents could also get a break
Rimjabbathehutt 2 months ago
This is simple. Find a reputable facility that will d**g the sh it out of him and slowly ween him off them until he's used to his surroundings without them.
Another Panda 2 months ago (edited)
NTA. Sadly, there are many instances where older parents, as caregivers for children on the spectrum, did not have the tools or mindset to take care of THE MOST IMPORTANT part of raising any child - preparing for when they (the parents) pass on. Also WHEN transitions to care should happen for an ASD child. I speak from experience. There is often an element of denial, along with caring. However, transition to a sustainable living situation MUST take place well before the parents become frail. Our own sibling never wanted to live in a care home, so my parents caved and took care of them (but couldn’t manage their health issues anymore) into their own disabled 90s, until they each passed. Our sibling couldn’t handle the loss and the change of situation and heartbreak, and passed 2 weeks after moving to a care facility. Part of parenting is doing the hard stuff. If they had been situated while our parents were still capable of visiting, I think it would have been easier in the long run.
LakotaWolf (she/her) 2 months ago
As someone who spent 21 years being a caregiver for a completely-disabled family member, I can tell you that, no matter how much you love the person, it will destroy you. When you're family, you can't just "quit" caregiving. I don't begrudge my dad the years I devoted to caring for him after his accident, as I loved him dearly, but I was 18 when it happened and 39 when he died. I never finished college, never got a Bachelor's degree. I never had a "real" job or a career. I never got married or had a family. I never felt like I could even progress in my relationship with my now-ex, because I was living at home taking care of my dad and had no end in sight. I have no skills or certifications. I'm kind of effed. I rarely went on vacations during those two decades. If you're caring for the person in your own home, you don't really get a "day off". Even hiring professionals doesn't give you entire respite. Charlie needs to be in a facility. My dad SHOULD have been in one. But it sucks.
R Dennis 2 months ago
My wife is the legal guardian for two half-siblings who are bipolar schizophrenic. Her mom couldn't handle it, so my wife took it on. It has been difficult and I try to support her. Her brother has been violent, so he was never allowed to live with us. The sister stayed with us a short time. But both have been homeless or we put them up in hotels or rented them apartments. Eventually, she got them into care homes. That's really the only option for OP. The parents should have worked on that when he was a teenager, not planning to burden their other child. *I'm sorry you didn't have the opportunity to lighten your burden, LW.
Load More Replies... Deborah B 2 months ago
I would recommend talking to Adult Social Services and a specialist lawyer familiar with the legal and social support system in your country, to find out what legal sibling responsibility exists, and what care options will be available for Charlie when his parents are no longer able to manage. Residential care is likely Charlie's best option, soon, while his parents are able to visit frequently, and monitor his situation and quality of care. Charlie may even benefit from the move. He may have more access to occupational and communication therapy, and the chance to be around peers, and possibly to enjoy friendship and companionship his parents or brother can't give him. The transition will be difficult, but a transition to his brother as the main carer would also be difficult. OP is right to refuse - Charlie's situation is tragic, but he should not sacrifice his own career, relationships and entire life to personally be Charlie's carer.
arthbach 2 months ago
The one good thing about this situation is the parents are engaging in succession planning. They understand they have a responsibility to their autistic son to ensure his needs are being met when they are no longer able to do so. Their prefered solution is not a good one; it will not work. One possible way forward would be to start with a bit of respite care, and then transition their autistic son into a residential home.
Sue User 2 months ago
They started the process too late. They " took care " of Charkie, but didnt do it right. Charlie bit tge OPs friend, so sounds like Charlie is nit oroperly socialised. Transitioning to a care home now will be hard and traumatic. The parents did the best they could, but not the best for Charlie.
Load More Replies... Dog Mom to Zoe 2 months ago
My younger sister is doing this with my mother who has dementia. She won't put her in a care home. She doesn't realize that it has hurt my Mom not to be in a place where they would work with her. I even asked to put her on a list in case something happens to her, that at least Mom would have someplace to go. My eldest siter and I will not take her. It's like watching a 3 year old.
LakotaWolf (she/her) 2 months ago
I'm sorry, Dog Mom :( My family cared for my maternal grandmother when I was aged 11 to 13 (she had ALS) and then my father when I was aged 18 to 39 (traumatic brain injury from accident.) Both times, my afflicted family members could have benefitted significantly from being in a specialized care facility. The worst part is that I'm sure being a full-time caregiver is also destroying your sister as well, physically, emotionally, and mentally - even if she won't admit it. It is especially devastating because you are seeing a parent, who you have a lifetime of memories of, suddenly not know you (I know how that feels - that is what happened with my dad.) I'm sure you and your older sister are also suffering even if you're not primary caregivers :( I do understand a small measure of how your sister may feel - she may want to not "give in" and may view a care home as "losing" your mom permanently/giving up. All my hugs to you. I hope you're doing as well as you can be. <3
Load More Replies... G A 2 months ago
Not your circus, not your monkey. Parents are well out of order. If they can't take that, leave them to resolve issues.
Petra Peitsch 2 months ago
I feel the same. Also I feel, that the parents should have give up on Charlie, when it was obvious, he will never be a functioning human being. For their own and for the OP's sake to have a real family. They are living in Europe. Unless they are not living in a poor Balkan state, there are facilities in most european coutries, what can take for people with special needs. Therefore we are paying taxes.
Load More Replies... Somebodys grandmother 2 months ago
Nta. OP's parents are sick because of that brother - he doesn't want that life... I wouldn't either.
LaurieAnnaT 2 months ago
Question for the parents: If your older son was killed in a car accident tomorrow, what would be your plans for your autistic son? Yeah, basically you have to have alternatives. Relying entirely on your older son is not an option, so start working on Plan B.
Catherine Kane 1 month ago
I used to work for a department of developmental delay in the US. In addition to residential settings, our agency also had respite care, where family with a disabled family member living at home could get him respite for a weekend. this would be great for Charlie- he could get used to another setting and possibly get long term placement later on and your parents could also get a break
Rimjabbathehutt 2 months ago
This is simple. Find a reputable facility that will d**g the sh it out of him and slowly ween him off them until he's used to his surroundings without them.
Another Panda 2 months ago (edited)
NTA. Sadly, there are many instances where older parents, as caregivers for children on the spectrum, did not have the tools or mindset to take care of THE MOST IMPORTANT part of raising any child - preparing for when they (the parents) pass on. Also WHEN transitions to care should happen for an ASD child. I speak from experience. There is often an element of denial, along with caring. However, transition to a sustainable living situation MUST take place well before the parents become frail. Our own sibling never wanted to live in a care home, so my parents caved and took care of them (but couldn’t manage their health issues anymore) into their own disabled 90s, until they each passed. Our sibling couldn’t handle the loss and the change of situation and heartbreak, and passed 2 weeks after moving to a care facility. Part of parenting is doing the hard stuff. If they had been situated while our parents were still capable of visiting, I think it would have been easier in the long run.
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