Woman Vents Online When Boyfriend Changes His Ways, Gets A Necessary Wake-Up Call

There’s a reason the honeymoon phase is one of the most enjoyable parts of dating. It’s the stage where you’re both on your best behavior, everything feels exciting, and the future looks bright. But once it’s over, not everyone stays as charming as they started.

And for this Redditor, the change was hard to brush off. The boyfriend she thought was sweet and caring started acting like a complete stranger. One day he was making bizarre comments and getting jealous over her mentioning a random celebrity. The next, he was laying down strange “rules,” like setting deadlines for when he expected her to reply to his messages.

It was a total rollercoaster, and that was just the tip of the iceberg. Confused and overwhelmed, she turned to the internet to ask what was going on and how to deal with it.

The woman thought she’d met an amazing guy—attentive, sweet, and genuinely caring

Young woman cooking in a modern kitchen, focusing on preparing food amid concerns about boyfriend fears golddiggers.

Image credits: Le Creuset / unsplash (not the actual photo)

But once his true colors came out, she realized he was nothing like she expected

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Image credits: katemangostar / freepik (not the actual photo)

Text about boyfriend fearing golddiggers and believing cooking proves she's not one, leading to weird communication issues.

Text describing a boyfriend who fears golddiggers but believes as long as she cooks, she is not one, highlighting concerns about controlling behavior.

Image credits: LionHelpful1346

Controlling behavior isn’t always easy to spot when you’re the one on the receiving end of it

What a truly terrible place to end up in, like the author of this story, thinking you’re building a loving relationship with someone who’s meant to be your equal and your support, only to realize they’re mostly interested in having control over you.

And when it happens gradually, it can be even harder to catch. You shrug it off, tell yourself everyone has flaws, and focus on the times they’re incredibly loving, while chalking the worse moments up to “one of those moods.” That’s why it’s a good thing the author stopped and put together a post to reflect on her boyfriend’s behavior and demands. Thankfully, it helped her recognize what was happening.

Spotting this kind of behavior starts with understanding where it comes from. “There’s a big difference between being controlling and being in control,” says psychologist Dr. Abby Medcalf.

“Being in control is awesome. It means you’re self-aware, confident and that your self-esteem is strong. Being controlling is unhealthy. It’s actually a sign that you feel out of control, that you are living in some fear state and that your self-esteem is relatively low,” she explains on her website.

One reason controlling partners can get away with so much is that it often shows up disguised as “helpfulness”—suggestions and advice that supposedly make your life better. But in reality, Medcalf argues, it’s rooted in criticism, fear, and manipulation: someone trying to push you into their expectations of how things “should” be. And that’s exactly what we saw take place in this story.

Sometimes, controlling behavior is obvious. It can sound like: “I don’t want you hanging around that guy” or “You need to be home for 6:00 dinner every night” and “You look ridiculous in that—here, wear this.”

Other times, it’s harder to identify because it’s so common and can be played off as concern: “Are you sure you want a second helping?” “Do you think it’s a good idea to go out this late?” “Is that what you’re wearing to the interview?”

Control can also take a dozen different forms: constant micromanagement, subtle dishonesty to get what they want, twisting your words, minimizing what you said, interrupting you, making decisions without you, or getting overly jealous. These are all red flags worth taking seriously.

What to do when your partner is controlling

Image credits: Curated Lifestyle / unsplash (not the actual photo)

The real question is what to do when you start noticing any of these behaviors, whether it’s early on or after several months together.

First, Medcalf says you need to set boundaries and stick to them. “Your first job is to determine your standards,” she says. “What do you need to be OK in the world and in this relationship? Understand that you cannot act like a victim or blame your partner. If you don’t like something it’s your responsibility. Your happiness is 100% on you.”

To make those boundaries clearer, Psych Central recommends using “I” statements that focus on your experience instead of attacking the other person. For example: “I feel uncomfortable when…” Pair that with direct, assertive communication, because your needs aren’t optional or “extra,” they’re part of the baseline for a healthy relationship.

At the same time, Psych Central also suggests leaning on social support. Staying connected with friends and loved ones can help you keep perspective and maintain the relationships that support your well-being, especially if your partner’s behavior is starting to isolate you.

And while you’re holding your boundaries, try not to get pulled into a debate spiral. Medcalf warns that power struggles can be a trap, because controlling people often thrive on them. They love to argue, love to “prove” they’re right, and can suddenly sound like high-powered lawyers. Your “opinions” (otherwise known as your feelings and boundaries) can get steamrolled by their word-smithing and clever language. If you turn it into a tug-of-war, you’re playing their game.

“Hold your boundaries, but do it with a loving heart. Holding this intention is key to healing your relationship and it’s also key to you feeling happier and more confident,” says Medcalf.

Readers clocked the guy as a massive red flag and urged the author to run

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Later, she returned with an update and revealed what followed

Young couple in kitchen having a serious conversation about boyfriend fears golddiggers and cooking expectations.

Image credits: Vitaly Gariev / unsplash (not the actual photo)

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Image credits: LionHelpful1346

Readers were relieved she got out of that relationship

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