My wife is pregnant, we find out the gender in 2 weeks. We will probably just text everyone--simple (can't stand the over the top reveals)

🤣

🤣

😂

Me too, pal.

I (62) fell the other day, but not in an old man sort of way. It was in a tried-to-hop-into-sweatpants-and-wound-up-in-one-leg sort of way. 62 going on 6.

Indicating is not part of the BMW dna . . .

Keeper! ✌️🙂

The gate is down and the lights are flashing but there is no train coming.

"The Little Yellow River" - I.P. Daily

I was working as a filler substitute teacher at a high school. Walked into a chemistry class. After taking attendance one of the kids asked for a small white board because "I think we summoned a demon yesterday while the other sub was here." They needed the white board to communicate with it by making their own ouija board. I asked if they tried holy water. They said they were looking on Amazon for some. School is weird these days.

You go, girl.

Poor kid. Wonder how his brain interpreted this bizarre request.

When I get out of the swimming pool and someone is just getting ready to get in the water I tell them "I warmed the water up for you."

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I agree! Bring back the gargoyles!!!

She photosynthesizes, duh

I have one in every room now!

I can’t stop laughing

He's been gone a long time but I still sometimes hold the door open shouting, "Look dad! I'm heating the entire neighborhood!"

I really hope this is more of a workaholic situation and not a she didn't have a choice situation.

Who tf decided 2 days were enough for a weekend? 😑

A voice from the Heavens that sounds a lot like the dungeon master bellows, "Well, open the wall, idiot!" as thunder crashes and arrows begin to rain down.

Thanks for reminding me! I’m out and I need to buy more!

Now, that's petty

GBBS?

"Good evening, Sir, do you have a moment to discuss dental hygiene?"

I hear ya! 😂

I miss not staring at someone like they just stabbed a baby because they coughed.

Or if your mom refuses to pick you up.

I need this

…with tiny feet…

Wait until you get it at 00:00, I’ve done it before.

On BP ee don't seem to have so many Marketing Bots anymore. That's nice. ("My name is Anastasia Cybertron and I make $10 million a week without even breathing...")

Me: *quietly goes into a corner to pee into a gravy boat* https://janeaustensworld.com/2012/07/16/regency-hygiene-the-bourdaloue/

That’s sweet.

little hack for that - if it's a pack that doesn't have the hard plastic support at the opening, snip the opening about 15mm bigger on one side then you'll only get one - if the pack has a hard plastic support, put a hair band over the packet at each end, then you'll only get one (btw, they do this on purpose so you'll use more)

Low key freaking out.

Extra fiber … TB is becoming healthy

My 600+ song playlist on shuffle (I hear multiple songs twice in the span of 30 minutes)

Uh, what?

Neither one is a quarter of a year either, but we still call them seasoning.

I’ve not heard one hummingbird complain and they’re way smaller than us and doing all the work themselves, as for geese I haven’t heard them complain my guess is they take it out on us

Never underestimate a good meal.

Honestly, I hope she's over the whiplash from this.

Loved that sketch!

That's why I quit writing those things down. "Smrga doff Dunkin' overboard lass."

Two brooms leaning against each other would be like a romcom poster

It was a cruel Bastard who termed obsessive compulsion a DIS-order... Order is everything to obsessive compulsives