You gave her a kidney, maybe that's a turn on for her. You just need to turn her off, then on again, that'll reset it.

i spat out my water🤣

how many bananas is that?

Keep mentioning his height.

Aussie here, I think we're already doing that but not telling anyone. Not even ourselves.

Brandon just got, very appropriately, dunked on

This is a lot funnier than it should be.

i just slipped and fell 🤷‍♀️

My M.O.

As someone who recently had to deal with Samsung. I don't need a continuous try this on all the trouble shooting I've already done only to have you admit 1/2 hour later that yes, it could well be a corrupted update ffs. At that point I was told I'd need to physically see a technician but somehow the next day, an update started spontaneously when I switched on my tablet and all the bugs miraculously disappeared.. at least they escalated it.

My friend (59) and I (61) joke all the time about not remembering a word for something. My latest word was beltloop - hers was an iron.

Before mine crossed the rainbow bridge I used to say "really?" "I had no idea, tell me more, oh you don't say, that's amazing".

I feel seen.

Including yourself

Well, I'm technically a boomer and I'd like to annouce that I successfully managed to "tap" my card to pay for something.

I shall be known as Nomu

Nah, I'll fill up on the salad instead. I love that stuff! (minus the tomatoes though- I'm allergic to raw ones)

Wait till you get a set of food containers

Toad in the hole anyone? Spotted d**k for dessert?

🤫

all the time

Around Brighton, there used to be, in the 80's and 90's, a guy who was known as Ten Pence. He wandered around and just kept repeating "ten pence". I think he made a fair bit, it was a small amount and just about everyone handed over ten pence.

Heaps better!!

And now the rest of the world will be simultaneously laughing at America and living in fear of the repercussions for the next four years during the destruction of our democracy.

what the hill!

I don't mind splitting the bill but somehow telling the other person in advance that that's what's going to happen seems like a mood killer

“A cutie in the death cab is worth two in the bush.”

how about 'math'. its a fast way to lose friends😂

I now want to see a remake of Air Force One, but with horse. Except for Harrison Ford and Gary Oldman. They reprise their roles.

Ha! Also: oh…

Or vote for tax funded, free health care? 🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️

I sold my soul for $5 and got some lousy dinosaur sponges

MY mom, going to see Titanic in 1997: "Why? We already know how it ends. THEY ALL DIE." Me: Mom, shush.

I just said "I am new here". More versatile, never a lie, sure the customer have seen me working here before today, so no it is not my first day, but I am still learning all this stuff. No it is not my first week either. Or month. Or year. But I am still learning, see, so I am still new

And then when you turn 18 and move into an apartment with a real psychopath you realize maybe your parents were not so bad after all.

Emotional manipulation?

I (dont) hear ya

Always get up for the 5am pee. You won't get back to sleep otherwise. Just go full zombie and don't turn on the lights and you'll be happily dreaming away in a jiffy

That's what SHE said! 😉 BA DUM DUM! TSS!!

It's funny how some kids will think it's nothing to hold a crocodile, yet other kids will talk for an hour about how they got to use their favorite purple crayon.

Noddin his head like yeah, movin his hips like yeah

The bad circle spiral towards burnout!

I went to bed after the moon landing in 69 as a child, and woke up as a woman.

No one is allowed to mention that one Christmas Song that is the worst song of all time sung by that warbling wench Mariah Carey.

Well before 2007…

What ho! My good man!

my gum-gum was called Granky . . .

Prisons don't provide Gatorade. Water. That's what they give you. Which isn't enough if you're having massive diarrhea or poor intake. Because you need the sodium and glucose in Gatorade to use your sodium glucose transporters. To super speed water into the body. Had a patient die bc they only gave him water and I recommended Gatorade. Prison is an awful place to be or to work at.

"Hey guys, I am working on a new catchprase, not sure if it quite works... Rattle me timbers? Or shiver me timbers? Which one works best?