Some people have such a way with words they can even make insults sound good. In reality, you don't even have to channel your inner Shakespeare to make an insult pleasant to one's ears. It just has to be clever enough to make the other person want to disappear inside their shell like a turtle.
We're fans of wordplay and justice here at Bored Panda, so, we've got a collection of the sickest and most inventive burns that people have dished out on the Internet. If you're looking for inspiration or want to see some cleverly-crafted justice where jerks got put in their place, check out these clever comebacks!
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A Thread On Aposematism
That, and, in many species, particularly birds, the male of the species is far more colourful.
A New Service For Beauticians To Offer?
Well, technically it's vulva. Shaving a vagina would prove to be... difficult
Load More Replies...Considering Daniel's username, it's likely that he has never seen a vagina.
There's a good reason for the hair down there. There's also a rd flag when a guy wants a woman to look like a pre-pubescent girl.
Lmao came here for the comments on this one and you guys never disappoint! :D
He says "My Vagina" like he owns it even though that's another person's body. That's creepy enough.
Poor little boy. Now run along to mummy as she explains the female form
There there are so many things wrong with this misogynistic muck fuppet's post. That I am not even sure where to begin.
Blaming Young People For Being Triggered
That must be what vitiligo is, they got too close poor things.
Load More Replies...Bob got a United States history lesson from a French History podcast in English. The irony of this is not lost on me.
That was done up to and including the 1960s. It wasn't just a 10-year span.
Remember when being offended by something was YOUR problem though? I do miss that…candor is so very unappreciated it seems.
No we grew up with traumatic brain injuries from not wearing bike helmets,... oh, what's the point? Granted, we were latchkey kids and didn't have helicopter parents, but I don't think that's entirely the point you're making here, Bob.
The people growing up in the 50s and 60s were the ones who did away with American apartheid.
Hang on there... it depends on where you mean. This is based on a very quick search. So, if you look solely at laws in the US, segregation ended in 1964 with the Civil Rights Act - that's the end of de juro segregation (a fancy latin way to describe the physical restrictions such as on buses or in the schools). Unfortunately segregation still exists. That's de facto segregation, where you see a divide in communities and the use of facilities by geography and socioeconomic status. Now while there may not be any laws in place forcing black and white people apart, that doesn’t mean there isn’t some separation. "De facto segregation exists in many cities today, often with black people and other minority Americans inhabiting poorer or more deprived areas." So in the law book, sure, American apartheid is over. But segregation is not. Reference: https://constitutionus.com/constitution/rights/what-year-did-segregation-end/
Load More Replies...I grew up in the 1960s in the USA. This sort of racism was not a thing in the Western states. Most ly the south and in big cities like Chicago and Washington DC.
Did you think Twitter invented people throwing insults at each other in a public space? Well, think again! Back in the olden days, poets would engage in insult rap battles referred to as "flyting." Today, we can find examples of flyting in classical works such as Beowulf and King Lear, but other cultures have their versions as well: the Japanese haikai and the Arabic naqa'id.
The most famous example of poets giving each other lashings in verbal form would probably be "The Flyting of Dunbar and Kennedie." That medieval rap battle was the first instance a poet used an excrement-related joke and also used the now-ubiquitous curse that starts with an F.
They Got That Johnny Bravo Aesthetic
i'm not child that had a genie and wished to be an adult then grew into an adult wearing children's clothes
I’m laughing so hard at this my dog is looking at me like “what is wrong with you?”!!! They DO look like a bunch of college guys who just started doing their own laundry for the first time! Check your dryer settings fellas! :D
Not my type. I really do not find this attractive. But I'm sure they are into women who wear tight mini skirts, heels, fake tanner, nails, lashs, lips..
Very Funny Things Are Happening
the terms for plug ends being male or female is still the same
Load More Replies...Just because people named plugs after what they thought to be the only two gender options doesn't proof anything in return
The above are not "gender options", but sexes. "Gender" is a social construct, "sex" is the physical appearance. Those are two completely different things and English does have different words to describe them, yet people can't seem to grasp the concept. Why is that so?
Load More Replies...Why can't people let others live their own live?. How are any of their choices affect the way that anybody lives?
Heras buddy: the choices that people make can and do impinge on other people. E.g., https://www.theguardian.com/society/2025/feb/25/scottish-government-firmly-backs-single-sex-spaces-amid-equalities-watchdog-warning
Load More Replies...The fact that terfs need "arguments" that stupid shows that they don't actually have arguments. And I really wish they'd shut up, take their goddess JK and move to some small island and just live their best cult life without bothering the rest of us.
Earnonn: sigh. Have you ever actually *listened* to what trans exclusionary radical feminists actually say? Apparently not - all you can do is hurl mindless abuse.
Load More Replies...Also, I think a plug works best when it's inserted and left there, not wiggled about until it starts making funny noises and then wants to talk afterwords.
Sitll the same, different shapes, colors, but to connect, female - male.
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Load More Replies...Technically, there are still males and females in all sockets. And some here are just adapters. Good message but very wrong example.
NOT a good message and bad example. We can all see how there are exceptions to the analogy, but the point the author is trying to make is a fallacy.
Load More Replies...Degree Man Strikes Again
I friggin love this guy. He gives me the warm satire fuzzies
Same. Very same. Also, is mustache is excellent!
Load More Replies...I wouldn't be surprised if she took that as a compliment at first
What was the point of these flytings? Not just to flex the poets' rhyming muscles, if you were wondering. Just like diss tracks today, they could make or break them: the poets' image, honor, and social standing depended on their performance. The poets performed the flyting to the royal court, but people outside the court could read their insults and boost their profiles.
Nothing was off-limits during flytings. As Christine M. Robinson writes, Dunbar listed many of Kennedy's defects: "his highland origins, begging, cowardice, treachery, ugly appearance, venereal disease, jaundice, and sexual activity." Well, at least he didn't accuse him of downloading PDF files.
Due For Some Good Luck Eventually
I had COVID-19 twice and I have never felt worse in my life. The first time I genuinely thought I wasn't going to make it.
Mine was worse than a normal flu, but not worse than influenza. But I was lucky to catch it only after two shots of vaccine. And lucky that in my country almost everyone respected the limitations, so I actually had time to get my shots before catching it. I feel really sorry for people who did everything they could, but still got infected by other people's stupidity.
Load More Replies...First covid I had trouble breathing and was tired for months after. Also a member of extended family died of covid. Flu my aß
I had both. I definitely had the flu worse than covid... I was also vaccinated against covid but not the flu (procrastinating). I got the Covid vaccine because of how bad my experience with the flu was. I don't understand why people think the flu is a walk in the park. The flu kills. There are people in ventilators right now because of the flu. So yeah a lot of people got Covid as bad or worse than the flu. I don't wanna die from either.
Too many people think a tummy bug is the flu, or a cold is the flu. Neither one is the flu. There is generally NO mistaking it when you get the real thing. It is very unpleasant.
Load More Replies...And now, because of these same ninnies, we have measles making a comeback
Yep and we'll go back to poor little kids dying of it again.
Load More Replies...I’ve had both…Neither one was pleasant…however, I recovered from the flu in about 10 days…I had long post-covid syndrome for about 3 months after…gut health was off and zero energy no matter how much I slept and periods of wheezing like an asthmatic…I don’t have asthma…yes I was vaccinated for COVID…I couldn’t get the flu shot that year because I had covid at the time the flu shots were being given…
My dad died of COVID. My mom had to be hospitalized. I was out of work for 2 weeks and had to use a nebulizer, which I hadn't had to use since I was a kid.
Lake Superior Hasn't Wrecked Anyone Like This Since The Edmund Fitzgerald
I know what you're going for, but that is actually a Twitter account for Lake Superior. (Yes, I know of the Twitter name-change, but it's just as idiotic.) Whoever controls that account is obviously jabbing at the idiotic, xenophobic Gulf Of Mexico name-change.
Load More Replies...First Tom got steamed and then he got scalded. Flawless Wet Victory.
He's technically wrong on both statements. Funny how internet allow stupids to show off to the whole world.
If only Tom's mother had gotten an abortion there'd be one less stupid man telling a woman what she can and cannot do with her body. Yes, stupid, as Lake of Mexico pointed out.
I don't know how I'll use it yet, but I'm stealing that title jab. Gordon Lightfoot is probably going "Ooooh!" and he's dead!
That Is Hilarious
fúcking, BP. The word is fúcking. Thank you for your attention, everyone.
I usually use fkg. Says the same thing and makes things so much easier.
Load More Replies...Unlike my cousin Chicken, I can cross the street. If it's any of your business.
I saw several sparrows inside the airport in Las Vegas. Besides being inside a controlled-climate rather than outside in the desert heat, there was access to food fallen on the floor and water from the drinking fountains. So yeah, I get why a bird would want to be in an airport
Most Old English insults would be borderline nonsensical today, but we can't deny they sound pretty fun. Let's take "Blowsabella," for example. Yes, it's an insult to women, but not what you might've thought. It's a comment on a woman's hair, most often about how disheveled and unkempt it looked.
She Has A Beautiful Way With Words
And Trump flies on Airforce One multiple times a week to go to Florida to play golf. In just a few weeks he has cost the taxpayers over $10 million!
And co-president Musk just used Marine One to return from vacation. Vacation from what, one wonders.
Load More Replies...I know it's not the point, but that "30 mins of streaming = 4 minutes of driving" stat sounds like absolute bull.
See my other comment, they admitted to a calculation mistake and retracted the paper. The actual value is 1/8th that. https://www.iea.org/commentaries/the-carbon-footprint-of-streaming-video-fact-checking-the-headlines
Load More Replies...Also, if you deposited the amount of money you spend on 30 minutes of Netflix into a savings account with 10000% interest, ten times a day, you can easily afford a fixer upper in Detroit in just 137 years.
People say we are part of the problem and yes, we are but we are ordinary ppl. We aren't the inventors, the manufacturer, the politicians, or the companies. We are consumers hoping for an affordable option while we live relatively simple lives. It would be great if we all band together and boycott things but that's generally all folks can do when our politicians are in bed with these companies. If we had an organization that created and upheld regulations that held companies and ppl accountable and there were penalties that would make a difference then we wouldn't be having this conversation.
It all starts with the final consumer, who buys something. Whatever nobody buys, nobody makes either. It's not that they OR we are responsible and need to do something, it's them AND us AND all the parties inbetween. And, we consumers, do have power over companies, it's just that we usually opt out of using them at all.
Load More Replies...BTW, it's not really true. The assumption comes from a 2019 French publication that has since admitted a mistake in calculation and retracted the paper. They initially stated Netflix impact was "3.2kgCO2 per hour" but in their unit conversion they mistook Mbit for Mbyte. They fixed it since, reducing the factor 8-fold to 0,4 kgCO2 per hour. Mind that it's still a worst case estimate, and doesn't take into account the different power mix of different countries.
One hour of Netflix would be equivalent to 3 miles of train travel, 25 yards of air travel or 19 INCHES for a cruise ship.
Load More Replies...So many valid points could be made to back up Lex's comment. Wealthy and ultra-wealthy people contribute more to climate change than entire countries. Big Think should think bigger and stop pooping on the little people.
100% Pure Beef
The world would be a better place if our nuggets, burgers, sticks and ribs where shaped like the animals they came from.
I kinda get this though. square burgers just don't sit right. They feel cheap and weirdly, "more" artificial.
Someone downvoted you for having an opinion different from theirs…I fixed it :)
Load More Replies...Wendys’s social media account is pretty cocky for a fast food place that destroyed its menu and now serves cardboard-tasting garbage when it used to be the best. Bring back the fries! Not the pointy salt sticks they have now!
Then There Was Flood
Liberal media - lets expand privilege. Christian conservative media - we are the American Taliban, if it isn't Christian we will burn it.
And if it isn’t “Christian”, we’ll cherry-pick it and take it out of context, in order to twist it to fit our evil machinations.
Load More Replies...One of the next stories is how he sent a flood to kill almost everyone and everything....
God kills 2.5 million of his 'children' in the old testament. Nice guy
Lyone asks a fair question and we don't know the motivation for it. If the big book of fairy tales was a big book of actual facts, there was 1650 yearsfor population growth before the flood. If the population doubled every 100 years the starting population of 2 would have increased by a factor if 92,681 to about 185,000 people. If population doubled every 75 years it would have increased by a factor of 4,194,304 to almost 8.4 million people. If it doubled every 50 years we'd potentially be talking about 17 billion people, which could help explain all that famine and pestilence, if not the rampant sodomy and what not. Maybe the infallible bible forgot to tell us that when people lived 10 times as long they also couldn't breed until they were 150, but birth control wasn't very advanced at the time, either. Also, right after god created mankind in his own image he told them to "Be fruitful, and multiply." 2.5 million seems pretty low to me.
Load More Replies...God cancelled almost the entirety of humanity (and all the other organisms) because humanity did some stuff wrong
But he amazing kept lions alive even there were two males on the ark.
Load More Replies...There are thousands of religions and millions of gods and we get Christian ISIS.
It's still crazy to me how many so called Christian do not know what it's in the Bible considering how often they reference it and call it the "word of god". They use it to justify their bigotry because "it's God's word" and yet there are literal versions of the book. Aside it saying things like they can't eat shrimp or whatever.
No different than the ones who love the US Constitution and have no idea what is in it.
Load More Replies...Other old insults which might sound like they came straight from a five-year-old's vocabulary, are Gollumpus and Grumbletonian. And no, they don't have anything to do with The Lord of The Rings or Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Gollumpus was a "large, clumsy fellow," probably originating from the verb galumph (to move clumsily with a heavy tread). And a Grumbletonian was someone who complained all the time, no matter how good they had it.
Great Reply
Good job on standing up for the delivery driver instead of cow towing to the customer like many companies do
I once delivered pizza for pizza hut in the early 90's in PCB Fla. I stood in the pouring rain beating on the door as hard as I could and ringing the doorbell frantically. There was no overhang to block the rain, it was blowing sideways anyway, lol. I had one of those clunky car phones that came in a little briefcase and called and called. Had the restaurant call. But no one came to the door. Why? Because they were having a grand, joyous time pounding on their piano! Did I mention this was a wealthy neighborhood? It took more than 30 minutes for them to finally get to the door and look at me, completely drenched and cold as if they were surprised I didn't greet them in a friendly manner. I'll give you 1 guess how much they tipped...you guessed it, NOTHING!
I had a delivery from Just Eat from a supermarket. The driver (on his motorbike) got hit by a car on his way to me. Went to hospital, and he still delivered my order!!!! He got his friend to drive him. Cannot fault his dedication
I think I am missing something. What about knocking? (still kudos for restaurant reply)
DoorDash left a McD's breakfast at my sons back door. No ticket on or in bag. We found it 12 hours later. No idea whose it was supposed to be. My son is a truck driver and was 1100 miles away and besides, he wouldn't eat McD's if he owned the company. As a sign of how bad their food is, we live in the country, so plenty of wildlife and dogs around. That bag sat there all day and nothing, not even the ants touched it. When animals that will eat anything won't even touch it, you know it's not good.
Aggressive But Relatable
The government can't force you to use your body to keep someone alive. Doesn't matter if it's blood donations, organ donations, slavery or being a human incubator.
Never say something to a woman you wouldn't want your cell mate saying to you in Prison
He feels cool to implicate rape. May he suffer himself what he threatens others with / finds funny to threaten others with. I said what I said.
In his case let's instead choose scaphism for him.
Load More Replies...That guy is probably a troll. What he says means anyone is allowed to kill him at will, too...
Castrating him does not prevent him from raping, but you won't get pregnant at least.
Load More Replies...i dont quite understand that logic though. is it because they think their stronger? so what happens when a stronger man or woman forces you to do what they want? think a big bear like man who looks at your scrawny a*s and thinks "your body, my choice" and he overpowers you, and you have no choice but to take him. what do you do? fight back? well you can't cause you're are not powerful enough to stop him. any man that thinks "your body my choice" just think about this for a second, think about how much you would hate having a much larger man have his way with you. he's scary, and you want him to stop. thats what you look like.
Hey Brandon, so using that same logic you displayed, I will see your body, my choice and raise you with your body Brandon, and my choice of calibers. Because you are obviously implying that you do not need a woman's consent. And deadly force may be legally used to stop Murder, Assault, Arson, and Rape.
Blame Your Parents For This One
At my high school graduation, we had a brain surgeon who was an alumni come and give the speech. He talked about becoming a surgeon, going around the world, climbing the himalaya, but the one thing he wanted us to always remember... and I quote "MOON PIES MAKE YOU HAPPY!" and he began throwing them into the crowd XD
Please throw a ‐ nay, several - Moon Pies at me.
Load More Replies...I like Moon Pies. Heat them for 8 seconds in the microwave to get them all gooey and melty and it gives off those smore feelings without the campfire.
Basically a marshmallow sandwich, with two soft 'cookies' (softer than normal cookies, closer to bread) with a marshmallow filling in-between, then the whole thing is dipped in a coating of chocolate
Load More Replies...Okay, I don't like Moon Pies, but I'd never mention this if I was south of the Mason-Dixon line. Moon Pies and RC cola combo is part of the American South cuisine.
Not all Old English insults sounded so nonsensical; some were worded quite normally. Like 'Afternoon Farmer', used to describe lazy people, perhaps because farmers would rise early and grind through the day. If people wanted to call someone emaciated or skinny like a skeleton, they would call them 'Death's Head Upon a Mop Stick.'
That's Some Seriously Old Beer
not to mention that Budweiser is a brand of the AB Inbev group, with HQ in Belgium and major shareholder in Brazil. And the "B" in AB Inbev does not stand for Budweiser.
Anheuser Busch, which was Budweiser’s original brewery, is located in St Louis, MO by two German immigrants, Eberhard Anheuser and Adolphus Busch. Anheuser, whose parents had a small vineyard in Germany, came to America in 1842, and became a soap maker. In 1860, he bought a small brewery, and when Busch married his daughter, he gave his son in law a job there. Together, they created Budweiser (amongst other AB brands). In other words, they did all the hard work to make the company successful for a century and a half, long before InBev took them over in 2008.
Load More Replies...*laughs in German* Please, US guys, stop embarrassing yourself. You have your president for that now and he's doing a great, oh sorry, "bigly" job! (Condolences to all decent US Americans)
From myself and other decent Americans, thank you. It's going to take more than condolences, sadly, to get through the next 4 (or more!) years.
Load More Replies...I like the Belgium monk beers. 12% btw: beer is as old as the world. The Egyptians already had that kind of stuff!
Yeah, you got to go easy on those. They don't taste like 12%, and after a few the sidewalk goes all lumpy
Load More Replies...'Craft beer' can't have been a term used for much longer than what - 30 years? Try Real Ale, and even that's not much older. Small beer - oh, and in a lot of countries weak beer was drunk by most folk, even children, as often it was safer to drink than water.
Every time someone i know praises an American beer, I break out the handy old Monty Python joke. "American Beer is a bit like making love in a Canoe. It's F*****g close to water!"
Makes me laugh when all the mucho murikans when ape xhit over bud light using a trans person to advertise. In Europe bud or bud light is what we pee after drinking beer.
WTH do these 2 sentences have to do with each other? Bad marketing for bad beer? Is that the connection?
Load More Replies...God WHO are these MORONS just making us look dumb and dumber on a daily basis? So embarrassing.
Why do some Americans continually talk c**p?. They obviously have absolutely no understanding of anything outside their small-minded borders.
God Is Out To Get Her
Yup. Maybe her driver‘s license should be revoked? Just saying…
Load More Replies...Forget lessons, some people simply aren't equipped for the attentiveness and spatial awareness that driving requires.
Load More Replies...If I was in 7 car accidents this year alone, I would not be bragging about it on the Internet.
I just met a 69 year old man who when he was 41 had a stroke. He attributes his survival and still being alive to his faith in Jesus. I guess the surgeon, the nurses, and the physical therapist played no roll in his survival after all.
Maybe he's trying to tell you that another round of driving lessons would be a good idea.
Died Of Hungry
The surgeon went in for the lobotomy and came out empty-handed.
No, he went to do some trepanning on potato king, and was thrown out of the room and sickened by the blast of fetid air that came out.
Load More Replies...If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge by now.
Why can't you believe it? Have you failed to notice election results throughout the Western world?
Load More Replies...I used to make fun of those crazy conspiracy theorists but recently their number has been growing as well as the level of their delusion and now I can’t laugh anymore. I think it’s gotten dangerous.
Once again...Flat Earthers celebrate having members all over the globe!
Wisdom has always chased you but you have been faster.
Load More Replies...But how can we talk about insults without talking about The Bard himself whose put-downs were almost second to none? Truly, who else could come up with quips like "froward and unable worms," "fat guts," "clay-brained guts," "luxurious mountain goat," or "February face"?
That’ll Show Him
this makes no sense its like the people who bought Harry Potter books then burnt them to protest JK Rowling they already bought the books and made her richer so they are out of pocket not her
Burning a book is not a sign of tolerance, whatever the side. Censorship never worked anywhere.
They love setting their own country on fire just to "own the libs".
Load More Replies...The first time I heard about this type of self-vandalism, was back in '79 in Chicago. The "Disco Demolition Night". White Sox fans would get a discount into the game for a Disco record. A dumpster was filled with them, and as a promotional stunt, a local DJ, Steve Dahl, detonated it. Then a riot broke out. Dahl later proudly exclaimed how he hastened the "demise of Disco". The real atrocity was the nitwits burning their expensive Nike's to protest the company's decision to feature Colin Kaepernick in an advertising campaign. You can't fix stupid.
Similar to the 'jilted girlfriend' giving 'oral' to all of her cheating boyfriend's mates just to teach him a lesson.
Love Owen Jones. One of the few actual British journalists willing to stand up and call out UK and America for their complicity in war crimes of aiding Israel's genocide and ethnic cleansing of Palestinians.
Owen Jones? The one who made a scandal about an Israeli journalist describing the suffering of the Jews whose relatives were brutally m******d or kidnapped by Palestinian militants in October 2023? The one who one-sidedly supports the Palestinians in this conflict, demonizing Israel and the Jewish people in general? Riiiiight… He’d be mighty popular in N**i Germany.
Load More Replies..."Why Doesn't My Kid Visit Me Anymore!?"
We’ll check back with her in two years and see how her relationship is now with that same son once he turns 18…
Yo…my mom has some restrictions like I can’t use social media or YouTube without supervision but this mom be tripping. I am allowed to do literally anything I want once I finish my hw then I’m like locked in my room with my tv and my parents respect my privacy too and don’t go like snooping thru my phone either bc they trust me to be responsible…
This was my life. Thank God the parentsl controls weren't savvy yet in the early 00s. My mom would hit the flashback button and if it bounced back to MTV, VH1 or the comedy channel, ON RESTRICTION with no TV, no phone no internet and no friends no letters No driving. I hated her so much. It was just embarrassing.
Nice Beast Ludo, so sorry you had to live like this; hating her is the saddest commentary of too much regulating…❤️❤️
Load More Replies...A 16 year old have been educated about the Internet and it's dangers by now. Treat your kids like they are stupid and they will stay stupid.
Plot Twist: She Pays The Full Rent Now And Does Not Want Her Man To Build Up To Much Self Esteem
We’ve been married almost 24 years. We’ve always had joint checking and savings accounts, plus our own accounts. The joint accounts pay the living expenses we have in common, as well as save for common goals, and our own accounts are ours to do with as we please. I don’t know how Eden can’t understand that both people in a marriage have to contribute to the relationship. If she can’t contribute money, then she contributes in another substantial way (for instance, a SAHM may not contribute a paycheck, but she does contribute her 24/7/365 time and effort to keep the kids cared for, and whatever other household duties she can manage, kept up with). A marriage where one partner exhausts themself working long hours, keeping bills paid, kids cared for, and the house kept decent, while the other lays around not contributing anything but expecting everything to be done for them, will not last. No one is worth allowing yourself to be taken advantage of by them. I don’t care how rich, famous, good looking, or great in bed they are. Advantage-takers all come with a very short relationship expiration date.
People ask me why I didn't have any children, I supported 3 ex-wives.
Load More Replies...Married people split the rent? We’re married +20 and ask which vehicle has more gas to get to work! I’m NJ. I don’t have to pump anymore. But I have to make a lot of coffee.
Well we split house costs. We have different incomes, so the split takes that into account.
Load More Replies...Why, I do believe Little Miss Eden thinks she's entitled. What do y'all think?
When I was single and payed full rent on my own I lived in a 2 bedroom apartment with a tiny balcony. Now I share mortgage payments and other expenses with my partner and live in a nice house with a nice garden.
Who said that? Names! Specifics! I want you to tell me who specifically said such. And who using the comments on BP said such. And how any one person or so has specifically said such is representative of an entire population or sector thereof. You’re manufacturing a complaint that simply isn’t real solely so you can be disgruntled about it whilst subtly implying women or liberals or whomever is whining like sissies because they’re espousing your fake complaint. We get it. And we all realize how stupid you sound with your silly, low-level thinking logical fallacy.
Load More Replies...Shakespearean insults aren't just for name-calling. He was also a master of witty retorts. In Henry IV, Chief Justice tells Falstaff: "You are as a candle, the better burnt out." Or how about this very politically incorrect observation: "No longer from head to foot than from hip to hip, she is spherical, like a globe; I could find countries in her."
He Is Honest. The Best Kind Of Doctor
Why? People just get all offended and start throwing words like cancelled around. What the world needs is a good war, that'll thin the herd a bit.
Load More Replies...You won’t look younger. You won’t even look like yourself, or rather look like you would have if you’d taken better care of yourself and allowed yourself to age gently and naturally. You will end up looking like a caricature or cartoon character, and be an object of pity to others for your desperation to look like you did when you were twenty, especially when you’re nearly three times that age. Don’t compete with twenty year olds. They will always win, because they’re twenty. Be the best you can for your own age, and make the twenty year olds compete with you all the way UP at YOUR level. They will all pale in comparison to the fabulousness of an older woman.
If used for a treatment of a medical condition then I feel the doctor needs to be more compassionate. I personally wouldn’t have it or any other unnecessary medical treatments because of the risks. The benefit doesn’t outweigh the risk in my opinion but to each their own!
Wow It's Like Makeup And Having Your Hair Down Makes You Look A Little Different
That's why I love the movie "Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs", Flint tells to Sam that she is beautiful with her glasses and ponytail in a period where every other movies taught the opposite (and I wear glasses since I was 2 years old so that was a really important message for me)
Load More Replies...Also, to pick Jenna marbles lol. Her first big video was about wearing heaps of make up to trick boys into thinking you're attractive
When some "blondes' pull their hair back into a pony, all you see is the dark roots
Load More Replies...I prefer women with long hair (at least past their shoulders) and wear it down. And if it's curly/wavy then leave it the f*** alone. Whoever came up with flat irons and hair straightening is insane. Regardless what your friends tell you, it does not look better flat/straight. And if it is naturally straight then go with it, destroying your hair with perms is not attractive.
This Is What This Type Of Parenting Leads To
"we not friends" - yeah, because OP sucks bigtime as a father. The reply is spot-on.
The thing is, parents like this won't even make an effort to stay in contact. I had no bedroom door for 6 YEARS because I talked back to my parents when I was 12. Now, I haven't spoken to them aside from texts for over a year and not once have they asked me to visit... but they complain to my grandmother that I never do.
Load More Replies...You gotta find balance…you need to be their parent but remember you’re not their jailer/warden also…unless your goal is to raise adults who hate you.
I always look at it that my job isn't to be their friend, but to raise them to be the kind of people I'd want to be friends with
Load More Replies...50 years from now his kids are going to dump his a*s in a nursing home and never visit.
I have had recently to block my mother and brother due to manipulative tactics, threats, and false accusations that I can prove are not correct. They just absolutely, positively are convinced that they are right and just couldn't stand the fact that after years of abuse that this "mouse" has finally had enough. Between them, my health and work stress I had to do something to maintain what shreds of my sanity remained.
I love my father, and we are friends.Im not afraid of him like your kids are afraid of you. You are a sad man
I was SO lucky to have had two loving, kind, fair and good parents. They were generous too, although we were pretty poor. Children don't ask to be born, so don't treat them like you wish they never were.
Load More Replies...Being controlling and restricting is NOT being a father. I was relieved to leave home and vowed to be a better parent. My adult kids are amazing and my time with them and grandkids is the LIFE!
I walked out of that no-privacy, I brought you into this world and I can take you out lifestyle 52yrs ago and began living my own life free of arbitrary rules, excessive judgment, and no one snooping through my drawers/closets.
The reality is that we don't live in a Shakespeare play. When someone insults us, we spend way too much time thinking of a comeback. A good retort only comes to us when we're lying in bed at night the following night. Psychologists say that's because the parts of our brains that are responsible for coming up with a witty remark turn off at that moment; they're sensing a threat.
I Have No Idea Who This Man Is But I Love Him
It's people like Xavier that I miss, but I'm on an indefinite absence from X. I really miss Twitter.
Burn them once, then burn them again when they need a explanation. It's pure genius.
Maybe That Rat Makes A Nice Meal And You're Being Judgemental
I'd make conversation. especially when passing people. "NO Jeff, we can't stop for ice cream! you know you're lactose intolerant, I can't take the farting!
Are you walking in New York City with a pizza? They like to drag those slices away to eat in private. Share, and he will go away.
i would cautiously extend a hand to the rat and if it seems amenable i would give it a pet because i like rats as long as they're not mean
Incel Says What?
Simple. She's tracking her period because the reptilians have taken over liberal media. This then leads to a pizza place selling baby part juice to Jews so we can put lasers in space, ergo she's having an affair. Glad I could straighten things out for you.
Load More Replies...Ew - what? Can someone explain to me the connection between using a period app and cheating on somebody?
She's giving them too much credit. Even the vacum of space is smarter than this guy.
If only men commenced every doc appointment, even if it's for an ingrown toenail, with the question, "Date of your last period?"
Panda's , type "period tracking apps government" in Google and find out why those apps are a really bad idea right now.
Most women in the US know this. The ones that don't probably live in red states. They'll learn...
Load More Replies...Good one, Noelle, but you and I both know that a box of hair has far more value than Felix ever will. A bag of rusty, bent nails is more befitting for this chucklehead.
Psychotherapist Melanie Williams says that "Are you okay?" is the most universal response when someone says something wildly inappropriate to you. "There's so much packed in this short comeback," she told TIME. This flips the attention back at the insulter, not so much what they were talking about. Also, Williams notes, it invites the insulter to self-reflect.
No Argument Here
And The Most Hair-Raising
In all fairness, I've made salmon in the microwave before and it turns out pretty great
Why? 15 minutes in the toaster oven and it will come out soooooo much better.
Load More Replies...He's, like, a long-time member of the pantheon of bestselling writers ever. I'd say he can afford a salmon just fine.
Load More Replies...I have actually cooked Alaskan King Crab legs using this method. It came from Alton Brown.
Geoffrey Zakarian has cooked fish in the microwave and swears by it!
Load More Replies...Cooking Together
I only cook with my mom and my lil siblings, anyone else will die.
Load More Replies...I enjoy cooking with my husband but I get frustrated that he manages to be exactly where I need to be throughout the experience. He's like MasterCard - everywhere you want to be
I have NO CLUE why you didn’t win an award the minute you typed this out. I’m crying. 😂😂
Load More Replies...Only if you do exactly what I tell you. I guess I'm a dom in the kitchen.
Early in our marriage I had told my wife I'd cook one night. I got started, and then she came in and started adding things that didn't remotely fit the plan I had. I went into the living room and sat down. She came in and said "I thought you were cooking." I replied "I thought so too." We tend to stay out of each other's way now.
I feel so highly uncomfortable when anyone else is in the kitchen with me. Let me make my signature steak, dammit!
Me too. Has nothing to do with cooking though; my kitchen is seriously TINY!
Load More Replies...Dude is spot on. As soon as more than one other person is in the kitchen I have to say "Can everyone please get out of my kitchen? You're all in the way!"
Which of these comebacks did you like the best, Pandas? Do you think you will be using any of them in your own life any time soon? Let us know in the comments! And while you're there, don't forget to share with us the best witty retorts you have in your arsenal!
Dads Having Fun
Get In The Ball
And sending the extra ones off to be grinded to candy you can feed to the survivors so they'll get tougher :)
PETA extremists have no sense of reality. They have been caught stealing animals from shelters to increase their number of "rescues." And so many other examples.
I feel like I remember playing PETAs version of Pokemon black and white and iirc it has you literally k**l someone inside like 15 minutes of the game (might be wrong)
Good grief, I never played Pokemon Go, but it sounds excessively violent.
It's So Simple
Why didn't I think of this sooner, all I needed to do was take $3mil and buy a treasure bond? Silly me...
You can become a citizen of the U.S. for 5 million.
Load More Replies...I can scrape together 3 mil Iranian Rials (that's about 71.24 USD) ;-)
Load More Replies...Anyone else get this ad in their BP email that tells you what to do when your portfolio portfolio reaches $1,000,000? tempFileFo...nsored.jpg
Hmmmmmm. . .Now where can I get 3 million? I want to earn more in a month so I think I'll use 4 million instead.
Two Sides Of The Same Coin
I’m a “grown” 53 year old woman still playing video games. 30 years of Playstation.
Let me trump (no pun) that: 62 years old, WoW-veteran from the get-go...
Load More Replies...I must have missed that memo I’m 47 and I’ve been playing video games most of my life…starting with Atari with my dad :))
61 year old woman here, currently playing Frontiers of Pandora after 4 playthroughs of Borderlands 3, but anxiously awaiting the next Assassin's Creed game. Big fan of anything AC. I have hundreds of hours in on Cyberpunk 2077 and hope the next one releases without as many bugs. I still remember the day my father brought home the newly released Pong. Oh and I wear makeup too.
As a bit of an AC fan myself can I recommend Starwars Outlaws, whilst waiting. I just think of it as AC in space/the future because the satisfaction of stealth clearing a large enemy outpost remains the same regardless of the setting.
Load More Replies...I'm a 48 years old mother - and an avid gamer since the 80's so suck on it girl!
she says that, but probably spends about 1/3 of her day on her phone.
57 yo female, still a gamer, age and gender is no barrier to k*****g things after a hard day pretending to like people
The Man Himself
They were probably there before BP got hold of it.
Load More Replies...“Smack a steam”? Mooqz must have to smack his steak because no one else will.
Nothing Is More Accurate
McDonald's would probably sue him for copyright infringement
Load More Replies...dunno why you got downvoted, this is pretty funny !! im calling this the red sea part from now on
Load More Replies...I don't get it. This thread is supposed to be cheering for people who make whitty replies to jerks and other stupid people. The only thing the dude in the picture did was choose a hairstyle that y'all don't like, so it's okay to make fun of him? Make up your minds.
Couldn't decide between Zack Morris and Leo DiCaprio ca. 1996 - so he just got both.
I cant remember his name but he looks like the prince from princess bride
Best Way To Respond To Threats
These are funny, I just wish such a function would exist. With a 3 strike rule: 3rd threat of that time = jail. End of.
I love how he tries every capitalization version of stop in case it's case sensitive
"Your allowed time to respond has expired. The report has been forwarded to local, state, and federal law enforcement."
Well You Can't Argue With That Kind Of Logic
What is the first thing you take out of your burning house? Answer : The fire!
As long as the dog and myself are safe I don't need anything else. Had nothing a few times in life. Only thing that can't be replaced is my Sunshine.
Feel that. But replace dog with kids, and cats lol
Load More Replies..."Which painting in the National Gallery would I save if there was a fire? The one nearest the door of course." George Bernard Shaw
Bro Deleted His Account After This
But that’s a really inappropriate question to ask someone.
Load More Replies...Is That Why There's So Many Of You 23 Year Olds Around?
I was just young and uninformed of the effects of antibiotics on birth control even in the days after you’ve finished them. Imagine that, US public school had “health” classes one day in sixth grade and thought we were prepared for life.
Oh hey, that's how my Mom had me! ...and my brother. The first lesson did not stick.
Load More Replies...Except it’s 2025 and the 23 year olds are turning 26, but there’s STILL too many 23 year olds.
These posts are not usually current. They have been around for a while.
Load More Replies...Did anyone notice a lot of 60 yr olds from the big NYC black out of 1965??
Had not thought of that. WOW But I also know there are a lot of us born on 9/30 or 10/1 because of fun our parents had on New Year's Eve. hehe
This will get me in trouble but here goes. The pamphlet that comes with the medication warns you of how long you need to use a backup method of birth control after taking the meds.
It's Always Broken
Scientifically Wrecked
Roses are red, and violets are blue; well, that's what they say but it just isn't true. Now, roses are red, and apples are too. But violets are violet; surely not blue. An orange is orange, but Greenland's not green. And your pinkie's not pink, so what does it mean to call something 'blue' when it's not? We defile it. But hey, face the facts... it's just hard to rhyme 'violet'.
As I understand, for a fairly long time people did not use words for mixed colors, such as purple, violet, orange etc. Everything colored was pretty much red, blue, yellow or green. That might be why violets are blue.
He did it personally? Wow. Didn't know he had that much power.
Load More Replies...Sometimes color in RGB and language are not the same thing. Quick example, when you order white wine, do you expect your glass to be filled with yellow-ish see through liquid, or white liquid?
Worlds Greatest Comeback
"If I want your comeback I''ll scape it off your mum's teeth" - Jimmy Carr.
Love how someone who misused the word strait while attempting an insult got 1.2K thumbs up and not a single thumbs down. If that doesn't tell you everything you need to know about social media...
Alot of sites chose not to show the dislikes.
Load More Replies...I have crowns on my top teeth that I have left. I specifically asked that they NOT be perfectly straight, as straight flat teeth look like dentures. Her teeth are unique and perfect for her.
Who's A Vet Here And Accepts The Challenge?
Despite prime rib being quite chewy and not being especially easy to cut, either, that photo has made me literally drop some saliva on my iPad!
Who has been cooking it, because everywhere that I have been eating prim rib it has been like melt in your mouth delicious and super easy to cut. Whoever is cooking it for you must not be doing it right or it's a super crappy cut of meat.
Load More Replies...This one pops up just about every week. It's not a burn, it's an idiot replying to something he has no idea about. Then I read the comments here and realized a lot of people here have no idea what prime rib is. This isn't raw, it's been slow roasted for hours. Maybe put down the chicken nuggets and eat real food? How to say you have no idea what prime rib is without saying you have no idea what prime rib is.
Aside from the color (which is excellent), look at the "cap" on that slice! "Spinalis dorsi is a superlative part of beef that marries the flavor and marbling of a rib steak with the tenderness of filet mignon." (Expensive and hard to find. I'm drooling....)
My best line at a steakhouse (Okay, I was exasperated by this time,) "Just introduce it to the fire and give it to me!" And I drove two rabid vegetarians out of a restaurant (hey, they were eavesdropping on our order!) "If the vet can save it, I want it!"
Sitcom Bullying
The irony is that bragging about being a bully makes you super dorky in the adult world..which is pretty much the rest of your life so remember that if you're still in high school.
Load More Replies...Imagine being middle aged and still not knowing that bullying is about the shittiest thing on the planet
And...no one on Earth that has every played hockey calls it " Ice hockey." If you played floor hockey you said floor hockey but I myself played hockey from the time I was 5 until I was 50 and neither I, not a single person on any team I every played with it against called it " ice hockey."
That Wasn't Just A Roast, That Was A Burn
It's About Creating Something Better
Uselessly comment from someone that knows nothing about the context of the original post! Maybe it's a father/mother joking about their child! The main thing being "joke", which could have been deduced from the title of the article where it's clearly stated "hilarious comebacks"!
Load More Replies...Youngest daughter (of 3) sent me a birthday card saying 'if at first you don't succeed, try try again'
I have two younger siblings. I suspect my parents gave up after the 3rd.
Friend was walking home from church with his daughters, and the youngest two were playing, running around on the sidewalk & street. Someone mentioned they might get hit by a car, CBS he just replied, "Why do you think we had 3."
I'd Really Love To Know The Thinking Pattern Behind This
I think the guy was trying something along the lines of "did you know if you say the word gullible very slowly, it sounds like the word 'orange?'"
Probably, but these kind of engagement farming things are so boring by now. Like someone reteilling a famous comedian's joke for the 100th time.
Load More Replies...I think Icy is self-reflecting here. dude.... who writes like that?
Emotional Damage
I agree. Does humor allow to ignore health issues?
Load More Replies...Food Standards
The two redeeming things about Wendy’s are the frosties and the social media.
They re-did their fries and now they're pretty decent. Probably second after McDonald's.
Load More Replies...Whomever runs Wendy's social media should get a raise. They have the best Roast s around.
Because Wendy's should talk, IMO their nuggets are awful. Parts and parts chicken.
I Would've Called That "Double Tap"
No use to argue, their never getting it!
Load More Replies...I Want My Son To Have His Own Name
Grandma Got Absolutely No Chill
First Date
This is what annoyed me about the "Joey doesn't share food" Friends episode who takes food off another persons plate on a first date.
I once walked out on a date because the guy dipped his fries in my ketchup. Who runs their half eaten food across someone else's plate. TWICE. After the first time, I handed him the ketchup, asked him not to do that again. He looked me straight in the eyes and swiped his bitten fries in my ketchup. I dropped a $20 on the table to cover my part of the meal and walked out.
Load More Replies...People that don't ask if they can have some usually yell things like "Ouch" and " Pull the fork out of my hand!" after grabbing things off the plate....
Destroyed
Let's be real: These do exist, but this is not how wealthy people meet their mates anymore.
This sound like something a poor person would say
Load More Replies...Galas still exist. there is literally one every year in the states. and so many other rich people have these. what you get invited to is the club.
Emotional Abuse Rule
Welp, He Deserved It
the level of degenerate you are is legitamately impressive to me
Load More Replies...May Be The Best Response Ive Ever Read
Homocide By Words
Again, uselessly rude. Has being rude to strangers for no reason become trendy?
Yeah, it’s a joke - if that was aimed at me I would laugh!
Load More Replies...A Hard Dose Of Brotherly Honesty
Really Just Proving His Point
To be fair, I saw dead serious articles about how men breathing in the direction of their GFs / wives while sleeping is misogyny, or how men jogging/ running as excercise are sexist for flexing their superiority over the women around
We Were A Proper Country Then
I’m Definitely Using This One
To be fair, if you play to bankruptcy I've had Monopoly games last for days
Of course! If only I could afford to live in central London just round the corner from my office. But as I'm not paid half a million a year then I'm stuck with the commute. And no, my job doesn't exist where I live, or anything like it. And for some reason work I did perfectly well from home now has to be done in an office.
Load More Replies...Mad Lad Cares About No One
They are just a random thig to make the other random thing funny. For example; No One: Me when someone wakes me up: *funny pic* and if I just posted the last thing it would not be very funny but adding the no one which is also random adds random context and makes it funny.
Load More Replies..."Hahaha this so beyond funny/extraordinary that no other person in the whole wide world could ever have had the same idea or experience". Well, at least no one who can figure out that's actually not "no one" but "everybody except that one person who tries so hard to be funny".
Load More Replies...Someone Doesn’t Get The Pickup Line
Me neither but I wonder if he’s saying he’d like to eat her?
Load More Replies...I Feel Personally Attacked
“Correlation Study”? That would be a waste of time. Correlation is not causation.
Correlation does not prove causation, but that doesn't mean it's irrelevant.
Load More Replies...Not following what you're implying here? It's a nonstandard word but does exist.
Load More Replies...Oh! Oh! Oh! Is that the "joke"? Ha ha, linux was used by autistic kids...yeah, good one there...thanks for explaining, btw.
Load More Replies...As another person with autism I honestly found this relatable and hilarious. But I understand people might dislike these kinds of jokes.
Load More Replies...I learned PC and Mac back in the early nineties to help my English professor in high school. That got my my workstudy in the IT lab in college. That got me a job doing tech support after college. That got me a job doing tech support at a better company. A now I'm managing a team. All because my English teacher couldn't be bothered to learn Mac.
Bro Got Bodied By An Airline
Yeah but if their passengers could afford a better airline they'd already be on it... captive audiences will take this as the flights are cheap.
Load More Replies...If I were the original tweeter, I would've used this as the comeback to Ryanair's comeback
Load More Replies...Same here. I mean, even if they had the widest stairs ever (I think that's what they're trying to "burn" RyanAir for, although I'm not quite sure), there'd still only be a single-person door?
Load More Replies...How to lose your customers in one lesson. Ever considered some people have health problem, painful knees, etc. that make climbing stairs a torture?
I am quite sure that ryanair has enough costumers, no matter how minimal their service gets... people just want cheap travel.
Load More Replies...Creator Of Geometry Dash Has No Chill
there are many shapes in the game, which have geometry, therefore it has to do with geometry
The Internet Is Just Full Of Funny People
This image and your reply should be an entry on that list :D
Load More Replies...Bully Getting A Taste Of Their Own Medicine
Anyone get the first word? My brain is bypassing all reasonable insults and going straight for Darwin awards for some reason
Same! And it would make more sense because those "winners" can't give away the award because they are in jail, the hospital or the cemetary
Load More Replies...The censored words are "dumbáss", "bítch", "ásshole" and "shít". Fúck this stupid, useless and confusing censorism.
I use a version of the last line all the time.... 'i could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and shït out a better argument" Made my mom spit out her food once lol
I love when I’ve scrolled through like 50 posts, then the page freaks out for no reason and I get sent back up to the top because this site is sh1t on mobile devices.
This was happening to me frequently. Then I cleared my cache and cookies and it seems to have stopped.
Load More Replies...BP doesn't thrive on anything original. They get their user engagement from stolen internet content.
Load More Replies...I love when I’ve scrolled through like 50 posts, then the page freaks out for no reason and I get sent back up to the top because this site is sh1t on mobile devices.
This was happening to me frequently. Then I cleared my cache and cookies and it seems to have stopped.
Load More Replies...BP doesn't thrive on anything original. They get their user engagement from stolen internet content.
Load More Replies...
