With the year (finally) nearing its end, we all start to think about the things it gave us. And while those things used to mainly be good and happy (or at least valuable lessons learned), the last couple of years… made us want to set them on fire and do some rites so they'd never come back. After a while, this whole living-through-the-20th-century-in-a-couple-of-years scenario does get boring and old, right? However, there's always that beautiful thing that we can do about the stuff we dislike/fear, and it's to laugh at it. That's why we've created this nifty little list dedicated to New Year's jokes - to laugh at our woes and greet the next year grinning.
While jokes about New Year's are usually quite cheerful and talk about festivities of saying goodbye to the old year and greeting the new, this time, the jokes are a bit more gritty. After all, we all have gained a bit more grit during these past few years, and the New Year's Eve jokes also reflect that. That said, there are also plenty of New Year's dad jokes in the list that are purely there to make us laugh sans the reflections on the passage of time. Oh, and there's also a topic that deserves to be mentioned on its own - New Year's resolution jokes because, let's admit, those are usually made in vain and turn into a funny story sometime after. So why not laugh at it a bit?
So, our selection of Happy New Year's jokes is just a smidgen down below, and since there are like a hundred of them, they should get you through December without fail. Be sure to give the best jokes your vote, and don't forget to share this article with the people you'd like to spend the next year with!
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Youth is when you're allowed to stay up for New Year's. Middle age is when you're forced to.
Old age is when you don't give a cräp and go to sleep at 8pm, because it's just a date.
"I always skip the gym the first week of the new year. I can’t deal with the crowds. I also skip weeks 2 - 52 of the New Year but still looking for an excuse for those."
An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.
"My new years resolution is to get down to the weight I was before the accident. And to stop calling it "the accident" when I eat too many snacks."
"My New Year revolution is to never use autocorrect again."
What do New Year's parades have in common with Santa Claus?
No one is ever awake to see them.
May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions.
Thank You! Hopefully I'll have none because I don't make New Years resolutions...
"My New Year Resolution for 2023 is... buying bitcoin in 2011!"
Why is partying in Times Square overrated?
Because they drop the ball every year.
I'd love to go experience it but that crowd is just too much... I also like to see the many proposals that get shared on social media the next day or see footage of it that same night....
What's the worst part of jogging on New Year's Eve?
The ice falling out of your drink!
My friend and I go for a run on Jan-01 morning every year. I confirm it is difficult not to spill champagne while on the move 🙃
What do you tell someone you didn't see on New Year's Eve?
"I haven't seen you since last year!"
"I gave up drinking for the new year. Sorry, that came out wrong. I gave up. Drinking for the New Year."
Why should you stand on just your left foot during the New Year's Eve countdown?
So you start the New Year on the right foot.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Cheese.
Cheese who?
For cheese a jolly good fellow.
A friendly reminder that gyms get really busy around the new year as people make their resolutions. So it’s best to wait for it to die down, usually around January 2nd.
"I made a New Year's resolution to stop procrastinating, but I'm going to wait until next year to start."
On New Year's Eve, a man arrives at a fancy dress party completely naked "I'm a turtle" he says, "Oh.. who's on your back?" "That's Michelle" he replies.
"I love when they drop the ball in Times Square. It's a nice reminder of what I did all year."
A woman took an afternoon nap on New Year's Eve. When she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year's present. What do you think it all means?" He replied, "Aha, you'll know tonight!" At midnight, her husband handed her a small gift-wrapped present. Excited, she opened it quickly, but was even more surprised: In it was a book titled "The Meaning of Dreams".
An iPhone and a firework were arrested on New Year's Eve. One was charged and the other was let off.
Did you hear about the guy who started fixing breakfast at midnight on Dec. 31?
He wanted to make a New Year’s toast!
"At the beginning of this year I made a New Year's resolution to lose 10 pounds... only 15 more to go!"
A drunk wakes up in jail on New Years Eve and asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?" The cop replies, "For drinking." "Great!" slurs the man. "When do we start?"
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How's the new year's resolution coming?" the bartender asks. "Great, I went to the gym today and I already lost 10 pounds," the guy replies. "Seriously, I have no idea where I misplaced those weights."
"Last year, I was able to keep all of my New Year’s resolutions… tucked away in a journal on my bookshelf."
"This year, my New Years resolution is to finally go to the gym... and cancel that membership I’m been wasting money on every month since last year."
"My New Years resolution was to eat 1200 calories a day. I’ve been doing so great! I’ve surpassed my goal every day so far!"
What New Year's resolution guarantees success?
Making a resolution to break your resolution.
Why should you put your new calendar in the freezer?
To start off the new year in a cool way.
"My New Year's resolution is to break my New Year's resolutions. That way I succeed at something!"
What do New Year’s Day parades have in common with Santa Claus?
No one is awake to see either of them.
"My New Year’s resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year’s resolutions."
Some astronauts wanted to have a New Year's party on the moon, but they didn't planet in time.
What did Adam say to Eve on Dec. 31?
“It’s Christmas, Eve.”
"My New Year’s Resolution is to switch to a vegan diet in 2022. Luckily I just got covid, so I won’t notice any difference!"
"A coworker told me to live every day like it’s a brand new year. I said I already do that. I wake up hung over. I contemplate all the decisions I made the “year”before. And I try to make resolutions and I always break them."
"My New Year's Resolution is to go to the gym more often, get into grad school, pay off my bills, and learn a new language. I don't have a clue how I'm going to get all that done by tomorrow."
"Ever since 2017, my New Year’s resolution has been to work on my novel. Four years going and I’ve almost finished reading it!"
"My New Year's resolution is to start my own sheep farm. I've already found the perfect location in Seattle and I already moved over there. Now I'm just waiting for the first animals to arrive, because for the moment I'm basically Sheepless in Seattle."
If you start watching "When Harry Met Sally" at 11:15 pm, when the clock strikes midnight and brings in the new year... you will still be just as single as when you started the movie.
Shouting “Jumanji” at New Year didn’t work. New plan: Shout “Covfefe” at midnight on Jan 20.
"I was hoping 2023 would be a year where people stopped getting offended by everything, but boy was I wrong. All I said was "I hope you start off the New Year on the right foot." Damn amputees."
"I had a guy tell me Happy New Year but he said "See you in 2025." Either he had the year wrong, or he made a comment on his fantastic vision."
"My New Year's resolution is to stay out of shape. Maybe I won't stick with this one either."
"My New Years Resolutions are 1600x900, 1330 x 768 and 1024x768. I’m not buying any new TV’s."
"My New Year's resolution is to see my cup half-full, preferably with rum, gin, vodka, or moonshine."
A man asks his buddy for a cigarette. His friend quips, “I thought you made a New Year's resolution and that you don’t smoke.” The man replied, “I'm in phase one of quitting." Confused, his friend asked, "Phase one?" The man laughed, "Yes. I've quit buying."
A man who had too much to drink decides to walk home on New Year's Eve. A policeman stopped the man and asked where he was going. "I'm on my way to a lecture," the man replied. The cop scoffed, "Who gives lectures on New Year's Eve?" The man answered: "My wife."
Why did the man sprinkle sugar on his pillow on New Year's Eve?
He wanted to start the year with sweet dreams.
"This New Year I resolve to be less awesome... since that is really the only thing I do in excess."
A women took a nap on New Years Eve. When she woke up, she told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year’s present. What do you think it all means?” He replied, “Aha, you’ll know tonight!” At midnight, her husband handed her a small gift-wrapped present. Excited, she opened it quickly, but was even more surprised: in it was a book titled "The Meaning of Dreams".
"I tested positive for COVID-19 on New Year's Day. Guess you could say I started 2023 on a positive note."
"For my New Years resolution I promise to never steal money out of my wife’s purse. But then I just remembered she’s got a birthday coming up."
"Not to brag, but I kept my new year’s resolution for 2020 by tackling the Rockies. Next year, it is the Rambos."
Did you hear that NYC paid Hillary Clinton $2,000,000 as a consultant for New Years Eve?
They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second.
On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local bar and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck 12, the bartender was almost crushed to death.
"I’ve given up social media for the New Year and am trying to make friends outside Facebook while applying the same principles. Every day, I walk down the street and tell passersby what I’ve eaten, how I feel, what I did the night before, and what I will do tomorrow. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and me gardening. I also listen to their conversations and tell them I love them. And it works. I already have three people following me… two police officers and a psychiatrist."
May your Christmas and New Year be like "The Notebook"... get so wasted you don't remember Ryan Gosling.
