Seinfeld was one of the most iconic sitcoms of all time and is endlessly quotable! The show’s dialogue is packed with timeless one-liners, insightful musings, and all the other yada yada yada. So today, we’ll explore some of the funniest Seinfeld quotes that will make you chuckle.
Seinfeld, created by Jerry Seinfeld and Larry David, aired for nine wildly successful seasons from 1989 to 1998. It was a story about a group of friends — Jerry Seinfeld, his best friend George Costanza, the eccentric Cosmo Kramer, and the no-nonsense Elaine Benes — who navigated the absurdities of everyday life in New York City.
What made the show unique was its ability to find humor in the mundane. It captured the essence of everyday situations and turned them into comedic gold. Jerry always had great observational humor, George had neurotic rants, and Elaine had her sassy comebacks. And Kramer — well, Kramer was unconventional!
These iconic quotes from Seinfeld include Jerry’s sarcastic remarks about dating, and George’s lack of social etiquette, “Not that there’s anything wrong with that”!
Whether you’re a die-hard fan or new to the world of Seinfeld, you’ll surely enjoy these best quotes from Seinfeld. And if you don’t like it, well, then “No soup for you!”
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“Don't insult me, my friend. Remember who you're talking to. No one's a bigger idiot than me." - George
“When you look annoyed all the time, people think that you’re busy.” - George
“When you control the mail you control information.” - Newman
Disturbing when 20 years later people like this are genius hackers
“It’s not fair people are seated first come, first served. It should be based on who's hungriest.” - Elaine
“If she can’t find me, she can’t break up with me.” - George
George was truly a man ahead of his time. Can you imagine how well he'd function in today's society.
“Tuesday has no feel! Monday has a feel. Friday has a feel. Sunday has a feel.” - Newman
Tuesday has all the feels. It straddles Hump Day, enthusiastically....
“What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses — like they’re trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?” — Jerry
Good books are friends that only become better with age. Just like the first time you smell a certain scent, or hear a great piece of music - books become markers in your life for great memories. A good book can de-stress, uplift, ground, and even heal you.
“Look, I got a few good years left. If I want a Chip Ahoy, I’m having it.” — Morty Seinfeld
“You're a nice guy, but I actually only have three friends. I can't really handle any more.” - Jerry
I have 2 1/2. My SO, my best friend, and one whom I think falls under "keep your enemies closer".
“If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.” - Jerry
“Jerry, just remember, it’s not a lie if you believe it.” - George
“Yeah, I’m a great quitter. It’s one of the few things I do well. I come from a long line of quitters.” - George
Jerry: "You're on a desert island, you can bring five books. Which five do you take?"
George: "I gotta read five books?"
"At the Festivus dinner, you gather your family around and you tell them all the ways they have disappointed you over the past year.” - Frank Costanza
“You don't need glasses, you're just weak! You're weak!" - Frank Costanza
This is my father's stance on my adhd diagnosis nearly word for word
“You know, I got a great idea for a cologne. ‘The Beach’. You spray it on and you smell like you just came home from the beach.” — Kramer
“Why do I always have the feeling that everybody’s doing something better than me on Saturday afternoons?” — Jerry
“I love a good nap. Sometimes it’s the only thing getting me out of bed in the morning.” - George
“I can't do this anymore, it's too long! Just tell your stupid story about the stupid desert and just die already! Die!” - Elaine
“That’s the bra I gave her, she’s wearing it as a top! The woman is walking around in broad daylight with nothing but a bra on. She’s a menace to society.” — Elaine
Woman: "You don't know my name, do you?"
Jerry: "Yes I do."
Woman: "What is it?"
Jerry: "It rhymes with a female body part."
Woman: "What is it?"
Jerry: "Mulva."
“She's a sentence finisher. It's like dating Mad Libs.” - Jerry
“Hunger will make people do amazing things. I mean, the proof of that is cannibalism.” - Jerry
“You know I always wanted to pretend that I was an architect.” - George
“A George divided against itself cannot stand!” - George
“Is it possible that I’m not as attractive as I think I am?” - Elaine
Kramer: "You wouldn't last a day in the army!"
Jerry: "Well how long did you last?"
Kramer: "Well, that's classified."
“Serenity now!” - Frank Costanza
"I'm like a phoenix, rising from Arizona!" - Frank Costanza
“I will never understand the bathrooms in this country. Why is it that the doors on the stalls do not come all the way down to the floor?” — George
“She said I wasn’t sponge-worthy. Wouldn’t waste a sponge on me.” - Jerry
“Looking at cleavage is like looking into the sun. You don’t stare at it. It’s too risky. You get a sense of it, then you look away.” - Jerry
“I lie every second of the day. My whole life is a sham.” - George
“I’m disturbed, I’m depressed, I’m inadequate. I’ve got it all!” - George
“I can’t be with someone who doesn’t break up nicely. It’s an important part of the relationship.” - Elaine
“I’m going to save up every rupee. Someday I will get back to America, and when I do, I will exact vengeance on this man. I cannot forget him. He haunts me. He is a very bad man. He is a very, very bad man.” — Babu Bhatt
“I’m on no sleep, no sleep!” - Jerry
"Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can't do it in one push. You gotta rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over." - Jerry
“You stole my Jesus fish, didn’t ya?” - David Puddy
“Can you die from an odor? I mean, like if you were locked in a vomitorium for two weeks, could you actually die from the odor?” — Elaine
“There’s more to life than making shallow, fairly obvious observations.” - Jerry
“But I don't want to be a pirate!” - Jerry
“If you want to make a person feel better after they sneeze, you shouldn't say 'God bless you.' You should say, 'You're so good looking!” - Jerry
“The sea was angry that day my friends.” - George
George: (on Kramer): “He stole your girlfriend?”
Susan: “Yes. She's in love with him.”
George: “Amazing. I drive them to lesbianism, he brings 'em back.”
“I happen to dress based on mood.” - George
“People this stupid shouldn't be allowed to live.” - George
As a bar manager, I think this several times a day. It makes for great entertainment though!
J. Peterman: “Elaine, can you keep a secret?”
Elaine: “No sir, I can’t.”
Kramer: "You think that dentists are so different from me and you? They came to this country just like everybody else, in search of a dream."
Jerry: "He’s from Jersey!"
Kramer: "Yes and now he’s a full-fledged American."
Jerry: "Kramer, he's just a dentist."
Kramer: "Yeah, and you're an anti-dentite."
"Do you have any idea how much time I waste in this apartment?" - Cosmo Kramer
Elaine: "Mr. Peterman, you can't leave."
J. Peterman: "I've already left, Elaine. I'm in Burma."
Elaine: "Burma?"
J. Peterman: "You most likely know it as Myanmar, but it will always be Burma to me."
“Sex, that’s meaningless, I can understand that, but dinner; that’s heavy. That’s like an hour.” - Jerry
“What could possess anyone to throw a party? I mean, to have a bunch of strangers treat your house like a hotel room.” - Jerry
“Do you ever get down on your knees and thank God you know me and have access to my dementia?” — George
“I feel like my old self again. Totally inadequate, completely insecure, paranoid, neurotic. It’s a pleasure.” - George
“Borrowing money from a friend is like having sex. It just completely changes the relationship.” - George
“I just couldn’t decide if he was really sponge-worthy.” - Elaine
That show would not have been the same without Elaine. She really highlighted George's narcissism - George, who somehow, with time, has become the low-key scene-stealer. But every person on that show was dynamite - even the guest stars. My favorite two are Teri Hatcher: "They're real and they're spectacular" and Phil Morris as "Jackie Chiles."
“I once broke up with someone for not offering me pie.” - Elaine
“Hey, how come people don’t have dip for dinner? Why is it only a snack, why can’t it be a meal, you know? I don’t understand stuff like that.” — Puddy
“Fake! Fake! Fake! Fake!” - Elaine
This is lacking "He is a loathsome, offensive brute. Yet I can't look away.”. But that wasn't a major character quote.
Also no Festivus quotes. "A Festivus for the rest of us".
Load More Replies... One of THE great sitcoms. First season is a bit weak, but so many quality episodes over the course of the show.
They just don't make them like this anymore. Imagine how sad we would be if reruns never became a thing.
Load More Replies...
This is lacking "He is a loathsome, offensive brute. Yet I can't look away.”. But that wasn't a major character quote.
Also no Festivus quotes. "A Festivus for the rest of us".
Load More Replies... One of THE great sitcoms. First season is a bit weak, but so many quality episodes over the course of the show.
They just don't make them like this anymore. Imagine how sad we would be if reruns never became a thing.
Load More Replies... 