Remember the movie Police Academy? If yes, you can just skip right to our selection of police jokes because you already know what to expect from them! If not, keep on reading, and we’ll tell you all about it.
First off, these cop jokes aren’t a sort of mockery - this has been done many times before, and we’re not willing to continue with the tradition. Instead, these police officer jokes are mainly based on situational comedy because, let’s admit it - being a law enforcement professional gets you into predicaments unmatched by any other occupation. And this will be the basis of our funny jokes about police. Well, okay, maybe a couple of police dad jokes about doughnuts, but that’s it, you have our promise. Next to these sorts of funny cop jokes, there are also jokes for police officers - something they might find relatable or painfully true.
So, our selection of police officer jokes begins with just a scroll down below - you should definitely check them out. Once you’re done reading, be sure to give the best jokes your vote! And after that, you might want to share these cop jokes with your friends, too.
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"A police officer pulled me over and said, "Papers?" I said, "Scissors, I win," and drove off. He must have wanted a rematch because he has been chasing me for 45 minutes."
My wife put on a sexy officer outfit and arrested me on suspicion of being good in bed. After a short trial, I was found not guilty.
Police Officer: "I'm arresting you for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia."
Man: "Wait I can explain everything."
How To Talk Like A Police Person—Most Commonly Used Police Phrases
Always wanted to speak the language of law enforcement without actually becoming a police person? It’s no funny police joke to do so! However, you’re very much in luck, for we have rounded up some of the most commonly used police sayings and have deciphered them for you. Here they are:
“The bag” or “back in the bag.” While it might sound a bit ominous, the bag simply refers to the police officer’s uniform. Back in the bag here means that an officer is back to working in their uniform after spending some time working in civil attire.
“Light up.” Nope, this one isn’t about cheering up but rather about lighting up the emergency lights in order to stop someone.
FIDO. FIDO refers to an unusual situation that might require quite a bit of additional paperwork. If the officers decide not to investigate it any further, they just FIDO or F*** It, Drive On.
“Buzzer.” Buzzer is in reference to the police badge, and flashing it is, respectively, buzzing.
“Cherry patch.” A cherry patch might be a section of any road where drivers often violate street signs or speed. Since there will always be a huge number of tickets to write in such a place, it’s called a cherry patch.
Feeling a bit like an insider now? Good! But you know what’s better? The cop jokes we still have in store for you on this list.
What does a police officer and a DJ have in common?
They both tell drunk people to put their hands up.
A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?"
"For drinking." replies the officer.
"Great" says the man. "When do we start?"
Most Commonly Used Slang Words To Describe Police
Let’s reverse the tables here or “turntables,” as one ingenious character from The Office once said, and look at the most often used slang words to describe law enforcement and police officers. Ready or not, here comes the most often-used police-related lingo:
Five-O. This is an American slang term for police, which is derived from the TV series Hawaii Five-O, which ran from 1968 to 1980. Although it’s a made-up term, it definitely stuck!
As for funny names to call police officers and police puns, the choices are really incredible here. We have alphabet, barney, beatsman (this one’s pretty archaic, though), bizzie, bluecoat, blue heeler, po-po, old bill, officer friendly… Really, there aren’t names by which police officers have not been called already! However, we’re happy to learn most of them are pretty happy names and not something derogatory.
And now that you know both the police lingo and the most common slang names for police, it might be the time to continue checking out our extreme funny police humor bits. Chances are, they’ll ring differently when you have the knowledge and when next time someone asks you to tell me a joke about police officers, you’ll definitely know all the best ones.
Police Officer: "You're driving on the wrong side of the road."
Driver: "Sorry, I'm English."
Police officer: (shouting) "Oii! It's the rong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?"
An officer observes a woman standing in the middle of the street.
He approaches her and asks, “Are you OK?”
The woman replies, “Yes, but how do I get to the hospital?”
The officer says, “Just keep standing there.”
Man got pulled over and his vape was in his cup holder.
The officer said: "You know, the news says those things are killing people."
Man chuckled and said: "They're saying the same thing about you guys."
"He didn't laugh."
Heisenberg and Schroedinger are driving together, but they get stopped by a police officer.
The officer asks, "Did you know you were driving at 75 mph?"
Heisenberg sighs, "Oh great, now we're lost."
The officer is unhappy, and checks the car's trunk. He asks, "And why is there a dead cat in here?"
Schroedinger grumbles, "Well there is NOW!"
Police officer: "So I'm writing you a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane."
Me: "You're going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk."
"So a police officer knocked on my door this morning. He asked, 'Sir we believe your dog has been chasing a boy up the road on his bike.' I replied, 'Sorry officer, you must have the wrong house. My dog doesn't own a bike.'"
What's the difference between a computer and a police officer?
One has troubleshooting.
Tourist: “Are you a policeman?”
Officer: “No, I am an undercover detective.”
Tourist: “So, why are you in uniform?”
Officer: “Today is my day off.”
"I got a call from the police station saying they want to interview me. Funny… I don’t remember applying for a job there."
A police officer is driving down the freeway when he looks over and spots a granny knitting whilst balancing the steering wheel with her knees. He pulls alongside the granny, and angrily shouts "Pull over!" The granny shouts back, "No, it's a scarf"
There’s a man in the town who’s stealing the wheels of police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.
Police officer to perp: “Where do you live?”
Perp: “With my parents.”
Police officer: “Where do your parents live?”
Perp: “With me.”
Police officer: “Where do you all live?”
Perp: “Together.”
Police officer: “Where is your house?”
Perp: “Next to my neighbor’s house.”
Police officer: “Where is your neighbor’s house.”
Perp: “If I tell you, would you believe me?”
Police officer: “Tell me.”
Perp: “Next to my house.”
"The police said they’d arrest me if I kept telling bad jokes. I stopped because I was scared I would end up in punitentiary."
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.
A police officer pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in pal. You're obviously drunk."
The wasted man asked, "Officer, are you absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah buddy, I'm sure," said the police officer, "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness. I thought I was crippled."
"If I was a police officer I would be ticketing people for not using their turn signals... left and right."
"Your eyes look red." said the police officer. "Have you been smoking weed?"
"Your eyes look glazed." I replied. "Have you been eating donuts?"
"I got stopped by a police officer with Alzheimer's. He walks up to my window and says, 'Do I know why I pulled you over?'"
A man in an interrogation room says I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present.
Police: "You are the lawyer."
Lawyer: "Exactly, so where's my present?"
Police officer 1: "This murder seems racially motivated."
Police officer 2: "Hate crime?"
Police officer 1: "Of course I hate crime. That's why I'm a officer."
The perfect crime was committed last night. Someone broke into the police station and stole all the toilets. Police say they have nothing to go on.
An officer comes across a man who is clearly under the influence.
He says to the man, “We’re going to have to give you a drug test.”
Without hesitation, the man replies, “Cool, which drugs are we testing?”
"A mime in my town was arrested by the police after he broke his left hand in a bar fight. He still... has the right to remain silent."
A police man stops a miner for speeding on the highway.
Police man: "Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?"
Miner: "Mine."
My brother was murdered today.
Officer: "Do you mind identifying the body, I have to warn you the body was hacked up."
Me: "Yes that's my brother Reese."
Officer: "You're sure?"
Me: "Those are Reese's Pieces."
A blonde accidentally kills a police officer and calls the police:
"Hello, is this 911?"
"Yes, what is your emergency?"
"I called to inform you that you're 910 now."
"The other day I got pulled over by a police offcer. When he walked up, I pulled out my 9mm... once he stopped laughing, he wrote me up for indecent exposure..."
An Irish priest is driving along a country road when a police man pulls him over. He immediately smells alcohol on the priest's breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.
He says: "Have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The officer replies: "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says: "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
Man got pulled over in the carpool lane.
Police officer: "Where's your passenger?"
Man: "Due to social distancing they're in the car behind me."
A police officer pulled over a spanish photon.
The police officer asked, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
The photon said, "C."
"I used to work as a bed salesman. One day this guy came in and started climbing into the beds and asking really specific questions. Then it hit me, he was an undercover police officer."
A college professor is driving home drunk one Saturday night. When he gets pulled over. The police officer comes up to his window and asks him:
"Excuse me sir, you were speeding, you ran a red light and you appear to be drunk, where are you going?"
The professor replies: "I am currently on my way to a lecture concerning the dangers of drinking, smoking and staying up late."
The police officer says: "Who could possibly be giving that kind of lecture at this time?"
The professor responds: "My wife."
"A police officer looked at my driver's license and said I should be wearing glasses, so I told him I had contacts. But he didn't care who I knew and he gave me a ticket anyway."
A man is taking his son to buy his first car. The son spots an old, used police officer car at one of the lots. "Dad! I want that! It would be so cool! Can I test drive the officer car?" The father replies: "No, son. I want your car to have working turn signals and an accurate speedometer."
A women gets pulled over. Attempting to get out of a ticket, she tries, as the police officer is walking to her car, to try flirting. "Hi," she says seductively. "Hi," he replies. "I thought you didn't give pretty ladies tickets?" She pouts. "You're right, we don't. Here's your ticket, have a nice day."
Guy gets pulled over by the police officer.
Police officer: "It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter "M"."
Guy: "No problem. Malphabet."
Police officer: “When I saw you driving down the road, I guessed 55 at least.”
Driver: “You’re wrong, officer. It’s only my hat that makes me look that old.”
I asked a rookie what he would do if he had to arrest his mother.
He said, “I’d call for backup!”
Police officer: “Where do you think you’re going?”
Driver: “Donut shop, officer.”
Police officer: “At 80 miles per hour?”
Driver: “I wanted to make sure I beat you there, so there would still be donuts to buy.”
Why is a traffic officer the strongest man in the world?
Because he can stop a 10-ton truck by holding up his hand!
Police officer: “I’m going to follow you to the nearest police station.”
Me: “What for?”
Police officer: “I’ve forgotten the way.”
"A week after my wife went missing, the police told me I should expect the worst-case scenario. So I went back to the charity shop and retrieved all her old clothes."
Police officer to perp: “Did you kill this man?”
Perp: “No, he died of natural causes.”
Police officer: “He was shot!”
Perp: “Right — a bullet killed him. Bullets are made of lead, which comes from the ground. The ground is part of nature. So, he died of natural causes. Sheesh, I thought you were the officer here.”
A state trooper pulled a farmer over on a rural road and said, “Sir, do you realize your brother fell out of the car several miles back?”
To which the farmer replied, “Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!”
Police just arrested one person for stealing batteries, and another for stealing fireworks... they charged one guy and let the other off!
A man was arrested yesterday for impersonating a helium balloon. The police held him for a while then let him go!
The police came to mans house tonight holding a picture of his wife. They said, "Is this your wife, sir?" Shocked, man answered, "Yes." They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus." Man said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."
What’s the difference between a velociraptor and a police officer?
The velociraptor can open doors.
A retired police officer passed away. The chief of police... made a speech at the funeral and said “May he arrest in peace”.
Why did it take the police so long to show up to Capitol Hill today?
Because they had to go home and change first.
"I won an iPhone 14 in a race. The other two competitors are the owner of the phone and police officers."
I got pulled over by a female officer... when I rolled down my window to ask what was wrong, she said "NOTHING".
A police officer stopped a guy for speeding.
He said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"I was trying to keep up with traffic," he replied.
He said, "There is no traffic."
And the guy answered, "That's how far behind I am."
How many Karen's does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one... to officer 911 and demand a officer come do something about the intimidating blackness.
Police officer pulls over bad driver.
Police officer: "Sir do you realize how badly you were switching lanes?"
Lady: "Sorry officer, I'm drunk."
Police officer: "That's not a valid reason to let your boyfriend drive the car."
Police officer: "Where were you the night of the murder?"
Crow: "I was with a group of friends."
Police officer: "What would you call that group?"
Crow: "…I want a lawyer."
"I saw a police officer pull over a U-Haul today... looks like he was trying to bust a move."
A man rolls through a STOP sign and a police officer pulls him over.
"I pulled you over because you failed to stop at that stop sign. You only slowed down."
"Slow down... stop... what's the difference?"
The police officer pulls the man out of his car and begins beating him with his nightstick.
"Now you tell me whether you want me to stop or slow down."
A drunk guy walks out of a bar.
There's a police officer outside who asks him, "What's your name, son?"
The drunk guys answers, "I'm Jesus Christ!"
Police officer says, "You are not Jesus Christ. What's your name?"
Drunk guy replies, "I'll prove it. Follow me." The police officer follows him back into the bar.
As they enter, the bartender yells, "Jesus Christ! Are you back again?!"
Drunk guys turns to police officer and says, "See?"
Man: "Why are you crying as you are writing me a ticket?"
Police officer: "It's a moving violation."
"So I was doing donuts in my car and a police officer pulls me over. Now I know what you're thinking, who names their dog Donuts?"
Me: "It's not how many times you fall, it's how many times you get back up."
Police officer: "That's not how sobriety tests work."
A drunk is walking around downtown. When he walks up to a officer to complain that his car has been stolen.
The police officer asks, "Well, where was the last place you saw it?"
The drunk says, "It was right here at the end of this key."
The police officer says, "Well, I suggest you go over to the station house and fill out a report."
The drunk starts to walk away when the police officer says, "Hey, before you go, you might want to zip your fly."
The drunk looks down and says, "Aw, man, they got my girl, too."
A police officer pulls over a speeder. "Do you know how fast you were going?" the officer asks. "130 km/h" the man answers. "Why were you going 30 over the limit?" the police officer asks, surprised the man admitted to speeding. "I was keeping up with traffic!" The officer looks up and down the road. "There's no other cars!" "I know" says the man, "That's how far behind I am!"
Police officer: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Driver: “Isn’t it your job to tell me?”
Judge: “I thought I said that I never wanted to see you in here again.”
Criminal: “That’s what I kept telling the arresting officer, but he wouldn’t listen.”
Man: “Can I park here?”
Police officer: “No.”
Man: “What about all these other cars?”
Police officer: “They didn’t ask!”
When caught speeding, an airman on leave tried to talk an officer out of giving him a ticket.
He asked, “Would it make a difference if I told you I’m in the Air Force?”
The police officer replied, “Yes, but only if you were driving an airplane.”
A police officer gives a woman a speeding ticket and she wants to know why he didn’t give her a warning first. The officer says, “Ma’am, there are warnings posted up and down this highway. They say, 'Speed Limit 65.'”
Did you hear about the two peanuts who walked through a bad neighborhood?
One was assaulted.
A police officer arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states. Solid, liquid and gas.
A officer caught a graffiti artist spraying a police station in a thick font.
Before cuffing the artist, he looked at the mural and said, “Now that is bold.”
"The police are trying to say I assaulted a guy with a sheet of sandpaper. All I did was rough him up a bit."
The police caught a person erasing people’s criminal records. They said he was a real pro for a first offender.
What do you say when your friend wants to hear a really cool joke about the police from you?
“Freeze!”
"I've just witnessed a police car crash into a fire engine in town. I was going to ring for an ambulance, but that could've been asking for trouble."
"Went to a rock festival and got arrested for selling pot to the police. It was a Sting operation."
I don't understand why the police train up bomb dogs to work at the airport. They're all colorblind and always cut the wrong wire.
Police officer on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"
"Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.
The little girl looks up at the police officer and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"
The police officer chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that his organ goes under the horse, not on top of it!"
An old couple gets pulled over and...
Lady police officer - "May I see you license and registration sir?"
Old man - "Ugh, what did she say?"
Old wife - "She needs to see you license and registration dear."
The old man hands it to the lady police officer and...
Lady police officer - "Oh, I see you are from New York. I used to have a lover from New York, he was the worst lover I ever had."
Old man - "Ugh, what did she say?"
Old wife - "Nothing dear, she thinks she used to know you."
A police officer walks over to a bruised and beaten man outside of a pub. He asks the man what happened and the man tells him this; "So I walk into the pub and sit down and as I'm waiting for my drink I overhear two large women talking with a strange accent. So I ask them 'Are you two ladies from Ireland?' One of them scoffs and tells me "it's Wales." So I ask again 'are you two whales from Ireland?' And that's about all I can remember."
A pig with wings walks into a bar. Stunned, the bartender says: "You can't bring food in here from another restaurant! Even if you are a officer!"
An Australian takes a vacation in america. He's driving along in his rented car and a police officer notices him driving on the wrong side of the road. He pulls him over and says "Do you realize you're driving on the wrong side of the road!?" The Australian says "Oh I'm from Australia." The officer says "Well did you come here to die!?" "No," replies the Australian. "I came here yesterduai!"
"I saw a woman once who was smoking a cigarette at a gas station while she filled her car. She pulled out the nozzle and gas shot everywhere and her arm was immediately engulfed in flames. She starts waving it around and a police officer saw it and shot her dead. She was waving an illegal fire arm."
Three burglars break into a building and are confronted by a soldier, a police officer and a politician. The politician tells the soldier to kill Burglar #1, and the two stab each other to death. The politician then tells the police officer to arrest Burglar #2, and the two beat each other unconscious. The politician then walks up to Burglar #3 and says "I just saved your life, your freedom and tripled your share of the loot. I think 20% is a fair cut."
