You aren’t the only one who stages arguments in the shower with shampoo bottles as your imaginary audience. Maybe you’re replaying a quarrel from years ago and hoping to come up with good comebacks compared to the ones you had at the time.
However, not all of us are blessed with a wit as sharp as a whip. We need some assistance to beat someone in the battle of words. You’ve come to the right place for that because we have a list of great hand-picked comebacks to use on every topic under the sun.
You’ll never have to repeat the mistake of standing there speechless when someone disses you; instead, you’ll have savage comebacks ready for use! With these quips, there will be nothing left for the listener to do but keep walking! These examples are just the tip of the iceberg; you must memorize them to prepare for anything.
How Do You Give a Comeback?
A comeback is a quick response to some critical comment made by another person. If you are looking to give good comebacks in an argument, there are specific steps you need to follow to have the upper hand.
- Be relaxed and avoid losing your temper. If you start getting angry, you will lose your nerves, and the other person will automatically have power over you.
- Don’t exaggerate and say something outrageous. Stick to the facts and pick on the truth because that will be more powerful.
- Speak clearly and avoid muttering or saying ‘um’ and ‘uh’ too much.
- Have other funny comebacks ready so you aren’t left speechless after their response.
- Use their words against them and make it a part of your following comebacks. For example, if they call you an idiot, you could say, ‘It takes one to know one.’
These simple steps can help you save face during an argument and win you the respect of your opponent.
Without further ado, check out these Shakespearean insults that’ll help you win and leave your opponent dumbfounded. Be sure to vote for the brutal comebacks you think might be helpful to you and share this article with your friends!
40 Good Roasts and Comebacks You Need to Try
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I don’t have the time or the crayons to explain this to you.
Somewhere out there, there’s a tree working very hard to produce oxygen so that you can breathe. I think you should go and apologize to it.
I’ll never forget the first time we met. But I’ll keep trying.
Your family tree must be a cactus ‘cause you’re all a bunch of pricks.
The people who tolerate you on a daily basis are the real heroes.
What Are The Best Comebacks for Haters?
If you’re faced with a hater who keeps making negative comments about you, it’s time to take action and stand up to them. Put them in their place and let them know they cannot treat you that way. Here’s how you can creatively use comebacks and insults for your haters:
- Tell them they are the last thing on your mind by saying, ‘Remind me, am I supposed to care?’
- Finish the conversation on a high note by saying, ‘I’m still waiting for you to say something interesting. Go ahead.’
- Before you leave, you can turn around and say, ‘Stay right there! You’re best from far away.’
You’ll probably see a look of shock or confusion on your hater’s face. Savor that look because you will see more of it if you use these savage comebacks.
You are the human version of period cramps.
OMFG I WOULD USE THIS! PERIOD CRAMPS ARE A HUGE PAIN IN THE A*S… OR STOMACH..
You are like a cloud. When you disappear it’s a beautiful day.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parent’s job.
I understand everything you said. I’m choosing to ignore you.
It’s kind of hilarious watching you try to fit your entire vocabulary into one sentence.
What to Say if Someone Said ‘Shut Up’ to You?
Let’s say you’re talking to someone, and they suddenly tell you to shut up. It might be out of jest, or it might be during a fight. Regardless of the situation, it is nerve-wracking to come up with a response right away. That’s why there are two options you can take depending on the situation.
You can opt for clever, funny comebacks and be light-hearted or sarcastic. This will dissolve the tension and make it seem like you’re the bigger person. Or you can go down the savage route and say something explosive, earning you respect and maybe filling your bully with fear.
Here are the best comebacks to shut someone up:
Funny
- I will not be silenced!
- I have the right to remain silent but not the ability.
Insults
- I don’t remember ordering a glass of your opinion.
- Please lead by example.
Everyone’s entitled to act stupid once in a while, but you really abuse the privilege.
Good story, but in what chapter do you shut up?
Light travels faster than sound which is why you seemed bright until you spoke.
Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all stupid people.
lol i need to use this on my classmate ZACH IF UR OUT THERE THIS IS FOR U
The last time I saw something like you… I flushed.
I envy people who have never met you.
that remind me of this conver sation in this show called Sam and Cat. man: i do not know your mother Sam: must be nice
What to Say if Someone Said ‘Who Asked?’
When you’re talking to your friends or a group of people, and someone interrupts you, it’s already a sign of disrespect. But it’s even worse if they say, ‘Who asked?’ This is an uncomfortable situation because it is a tactic to devalue your words and make you look small. You must be prepared if someone decides to do this to you. These are three of the best roast comebacks you can try out.
- If you didn’t ask, why are you listening?
- Oh, you’re here, too! How long have you been standing there? I didn’t notice you.
- Shh, keep quiet. The adults are talking.
The best thing you can do in this situation is to use the power of your words and turn the situation around. Try some of these witty comebacks the next time you encounter such a person.
You’re about as useful as a screen door on a submarine.
Louie Armstrong would have never released “What a Wonderful World” had he met you.
I’ve been called worse by better.
This one is self insulting. like saying; I suck,everyone knows, and I don't care.
You’re impossible to underestimate.
You’re not simply a drama queen. You’re the whole royal family.
You’re not stupid! You just have bad luck when you’re thinking.
Earth is full. Go home.
You’re like the end pieces of a loaf of bread. Everyone touches you, but nobody wants you.
What Are the Best Comebacks for Bullies?
Bullies are the worst! Their hatred and vile words can cause a lot of hurt. Whether they’re making fun of your haircut, clothes, sexuality, or personality, each comment can cause pain. That’s why it’s always great when people can stand up to bullies and speak their truth, just like these people who had incredible comebacks to homophobic comments.
If you’re looking for the best comebacks ever to spite your bully, then here are the five easiest ways you can roast them:
- I guess the ones with the dirty hands always point the fingers.
- You can’t fix yourself by trying to break someone else.
- I was going to give you a nasty look, but I see you already have one.
- One day, you will go far. And please don’t think of returning.
- Are you always this dumb, or do you make a special effort for me?
They say our brains don’t stop developing until we reach 25; looks like yours stopped a bit early.
You should come with a warning label.
Is part 2 of your argument coming out soon or is that it?
If you were an inanimate object, you’d be a participation trophy.
You look like a ‘before’ picture.
What Are Some Funny Comebacks for Friends?
The best place to test out your comebacks and flex your sense of humor is with your friends. These hilarious, friendly exchanges can help you test every burn to ensure they are epic. Fair warning: Things will get nasty if you play dirty with your friends. So you’ll want to keep things light and funny instead.
Here are four of the funniest comebacks you can try on your friends without being rude:
- Your face makes onions cry.
- Your parents are proof that two wrongs don't make a right.
- I always believed in evolution till I met you.
- Your village called, and they want their idiot back.
Keep trying out all these comebacks so that you become an expert roaster. If you want to up your game, learn to be sassy by taking notes from these witty company comebacks.
Stay Sharp, Keep Practising
The next time someone challenges you to a verbal duel, you must have the perfect comeback ready, so you don’t regret being silent years later. These one-liners will come in handy someday. Plus, they are a lot of fun to use.
People have been using witty comebacks for centuries; don’t believe us? Here are some intelligent insults and comebacks used by historical figures.
I was hoping for a battle of wits but you appear to be unarmed.
I use the one but mines a bit different " I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person
Do your parents even realize they’re living proof that two wrongs don’t make a right?
I told my therapist about you.
I keep telling you just because you call him doctor snuggles doesn't mean your cat is a therapist
Have a nice day, somewhere else.
I've always said to people " Have a beautiful day. Just not anywhere near me."
Your only purpose in life is to become an organ donor.
A corpse is better company than you.
When you start talking, I stop listening.
If you’re going to be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty.
Hey, your village called – they want their idiot back.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so.
When they said grow a pair, they didn’t mean for you to have kids.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on the planet.
There are some remarkably dumb people in this world. Thanks for helping me understand that.
That sounds like a you problem.
I hate when people unironically say this. It's been overused.
If genius skips a generation, your children will be brilliant.
Don’t worry. Everyone makes mistakes. Your parents, for one.
Your absence would affect me greatly. I’d finally get some peace and quiet.
Please just tell me you don’t plan to home-school your kids.
I'm kinda divided on this, especially with how the schooling system can be in America, more specifically in the South*. Before any of y'all come at me for targeting the South, think back to when you were last in school. Not from the South? There's plenty of people who can tell you how screwy things are. * I'm specifically referring to the southeast portion of the US.
Aww, it’s so cute when you try to talk about things you don’t understand.
Hmm. Brings to mind a big fat blond(?) guy. Except he's ugly-Not cute...
Your ignorance makes my racist uncle look like Albert Einstein.
Are you at a loss for words, or did you exhaust your entire vocabulary?
You’re a grey sprinkle on a rainbow cupcake.
Were you born this stupid or did you take lessons?
You are a pizza burn on the roof of the world’s mouth.
You’re the type of person that uses their 3rd grade research paper as a resume booster.
Has anyone ever tried to smack some sense into you? Allow me to be the first one.
The Department of Homeland Security added your existence to the list of “Natural Disasters.”
Your secrets are always safe with me. I never even listen when you tell me them.
Too bad you can’t Photoshop your ugly personality.
You'd be surprised I looked at your mom's Facebook posts and she does a pretty good job photoshopping your's.
You’re the corner piece to an unsolvable puzzle: everyone looks right past you.
You are the architect of your life. Unfortunately, the blueprints are messy, written in Mandarin, and waterlogged beyond all recognition. Good luck.
Is this even an insult. Life is just s**t and this might be the best way to put it.
I didn’t put garlic over my door because I think you’re a vampire. It just smells much better than you.
I will ignore you so hard you will start doubting your existence.
Don’t you get tired of putting makeup on your two faces every morning?
Were you born on the highway? That is where most accidents happen.
You hit the nail right on the head. Too bad your parents took it literally.
All mistakes are fixable, yet you aren’t.
If your brain was dynamite, there wouldn’t be enough to blow your hat off.
I’ve h heard it as if your brains were dynamite it wouldn’t be enough to blow your nose.
I like you just the way you are: uninspiring, uninteresting, and dreadfully unfunny.
Unless your name is Google, stop acting like you know everything!
The series of mental backflips I had to do to try and understand your point should have broken my neck.
Guess any intelligent folks are using up all the cervical braces. Ouuuch!
You’re the reason the divorce rate is so high.
The amount of meaningful things you’ve done in your life wouldn’t be enough to fill a single page.
Good job. You almost reached a level of coherency resembling my newborn son.
You are more disappointing than an unsalted pretzel.
Who ate your bowl of sunshine this morning, thundercloud?
Hey, you have something on your chin. No, the 3rd one down.
This is a lose-lose situation for me. I lose my valuable time and any semblance of compassion I had left.
I love what you’ve done with your hair. How do you get it to come out of the nostrils like that?
The only work-life balance I want is being away from you.
I'm using this when I get asked if I want to go back to my old job again XD
You’re an unscented candle in a store full of beautiful fragrances.
I’d tell you to blow your brains out, but I’m pretty certain there’s nothing there.
Theres also *knocks on someone’s head* “Woah, I can hear something bouncing around!
I’d give you a nasty look but you’ve already got one.
You look like something that came out of a slow cooker.
I applaud your effort, but I think I’m the only one in the audience. And I’m leaving early.
The only person falling for you is blind.
If I had a face like yours, I’d sue my parents.
i think a MASH episode has something like this. if i had a dog that looked like you, i'd shave his butt and teach him to walk backwards.
The fact that someone wakes up to your face in the morning should be alarming. And yes, I’m referring to the mirror as well.
You’re so ugly, you scared the cr*p out of the toilet.
I would like some tips on how to clear my mind from someone with nothing meaningful to contribute. Care to help?
Where’d you get your clothes, girl, American Apparently Not?
These are all rather funny but some are just flat-out mean. And perhaps that’s the point I just find it… let’s just say that I wouldn’t say some of these to anyone.
i am not going to continue this battle of wits with you as it appears you are unarmed
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception." - Groucho
These are all rather funny but some are just flat-out mean. And perhaps that’s the point I just find it… let’s just say that I wouldn’t say some of these to anyone.
i am not going to continue this battle of wits with you as it appears you are unarmed
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception." - Groucho
