There's nothing worse than being on the receiving end of an insult and not being able to think of a killer comeback (although you'll eventually come up with the best response ever...about three days later). As you can see from this list of comebacks compiled by Bored Panda however, some people have no problem coming up with a snarky, witty, or downright savage retort when the situation requires one. Scroll down for some of the best responses we could find. Don't forget to vote for your favorite!
Had a really witty teacher for my game design class, the Vice Principal hated him for whatever reason. One day we were all studiously working with our headphones on programming away while our teacher was upfront reading a book, very available and approachable if we had any questions. Then the VP walks in the room:
VP: "Mr. Teacher, it has come to my attention that you have absolutely no control over this class! This is unacceptable."
Teacher gives him a fairly nonchalant stare, cooly and calmly places his book down, and claps his hands loudly three times (which was his very effective way of getting our attention while listening to music). Mind you, the following occurred without us knowing why the VP was there or what he had said.
Teacher: "Ok class listen up, I have an exercise for you. This'll only take a few moments. First and foremost, everybody stand up."
We all stood up in near unison very quickly.
Teacher: "Good, now I want all of you to leave the room and stand outside in the hallway and no matter what this guy says," as he points his finger at VP, "do not come back in the room until I say so. Ok, go!"
We all exit the room, a little intrigued by what was going on.
Teacher: "Ok VP, bring them back in the classroom"
We didn't budge
To this day, that is one of my favorite stories to tell.
My HS principal once insulted my mother's english (she's not from America). She just politely apologized for the mixup and said "I'm sorry sometimes I get English mixed up with the other six languages. How many do you speak?"
Dude at my gym who is overweight has been working it off, slowly but surely, for a few months. This new guy comes in one day and starts trying to flirt with the receptionist (who is the overweight guys wife).
He decides to loudly ask why that dude is so fat if he is at the gym.
The receptionist looks at him for a long moment and then says "Because every time we screw I let him lick chocolate sauce off me."
I nearly died laughing that day.
Heard a good one about Muhammad Ali - when he was on a plane once the Stewardess politely asked him to put his seatbelt on, to which he said "Superman don't need no seatbelt!"
"Superman don't need no plane" she replied.
A girl at work had to get glasses and one of out regulars comes in and says "aw man you should take those off you look way better without them" and she goes "yeah you look way better without them too." I thought that was pretty clever.
This really shy kid that doesn't really speak much was getting picked on my this mean girl when the teacher tells her "be nice to him, he might be your boss someday," without missing a beat he replies "no thanks, I don't want to be a pimp when I grow up."
My crazy neighbor's crazy daughters, who are identical twins, are having a massive argument:
Twin 1: "Fuck you you ugly bitch!" Twin 2: "We're twins you fucking moron!"
They heard me laughing.
My conservative Mormon mother decides to talk to me for the first time about sex (17 at the time) She places two slices of chocolate cake, beautifully decorated, from a nice bakery. "Now daughter, this is you with your virginity..." She then squashes one slice of cake with her hand. "And this is you without your virginity. What slice of cake would you rather give to your future husband, for time and all eternity?"
I look back and forth between the cakes "But, mom...they taste the same..." My older sister still loves to bring this up. It may be a funnier story when told out loud, though.
Once asked a middle aged woman to borrow her pen on the train.
Me: "May I please borrow you pen, ma'am?"
Woman: "Excuse me -- don't call me ma'am. Don't you know how offensive that is to say to a woman?"
Me: "My apologies...sir."
It was during lunch at high school when this kid with really bad crossed eyes made fun of this Asian kid. He was just saying stereotypical things like, Asians can't drive and etc. The Asian kid replies with " you I'm really jealous of you, when you cross the street you don't need to look both ways." Everyone was dying, laughing so hard.
My dad is a pediatrician. Someone said to my brother: "Your dad touched my balls."
My brother's response was: "Yeah, and you paid him for it."
Working as a bouncer years ago when we refused to let some drunk guy in the club, he popped the douchey 'Do you know who my Dad is?' as if it meant something but quick as a flash my colleague replied 'Does your Mum?'
At my high school there was a chick in a wheelchair. She was extremely good looking but suuuuuper bitchy. A guy was walking down the hallway with some retro lunch box, I forget what but it was actually pretty awesome. Anyway, she says "Nice fucking lunchbox."
How does he reply?
Nice fucking legs.
Everyone was speechless.
Every time I walk into a store with my dad.
Worker: "Can I help you?"
Dad: "No, he was born like that."
When my brother and I were really young, 11 and 8, he called me gay. He didn't know what it meant, I probably didn't either, but it was a term that we used at the time to mean "lame".
Anyways, we were on a long road trip when he called me this. About 30 minutes later he started to complain about his butt hurting from the long ride and without missing a beat, I said "And you called me gay?". My dad had to pull the truck over because he was laughing so hard that he had tears coming out.
I was at a guitar store once, I'm not a very good guitar player, but I was shopping for an amp and decided to try a few out. I pulled a guitar down from the wall, plugged into an amp and started tweaking the settings to my liking.
A guy in a wheelchair came up, plugged into the amp next to me and dimed the volume, then proceeded to play some masturbatory metal licks. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, powered off the amp that I was testing and walked across the room to another amp, plugged in and started fiddling with settings again. Again, he rolled himself over, plugged into the amp directly adjacent to mine, turned up to 11 and proceeded to go to town on the guitar.
A second time, I gave him the benefit of the doubt, walked away and tried a third amp without saying a word to him. He rolled over, plugged in, turned up and started playing as loud as he could. I asked him if he'd mind giving me a few moments, as I was considering buying one of the amps, and he responded with "I don't know why you bother, you're a shitty guitarist and I can do anything you can do ten times better."
I looked him in the eye, said "Not quite anything" and reached up to hang the guitar from the top rack, which I had to stretch a bit to reach, all while maintaining eye contact.
Boss to line worker: "I need you to do such and such."
Line Worker: "You didn't say the "P" word".
Boss says, "Paycheck".
I was a fat kid. Not anymore though. When I was 14 or so, my sister-in-law(older brother's wife) asked if I needed a training bra. Without even thinking, I asked if she was jealous(she's flat-chested). It was epic. She just stood there for a second and stormed off. It's been over 20 years and I'm fit and healthy and needless to say, she's still boobless. Why the fuck would an adult say something like that to a kid anyway? Edit: I'm a guy. I was a fat kid with man-boobs.
Reporter: They think your haircuts are un-American. John Lennon: Well, that was very observant of them because we aren't American.
I was at a bar when a guy said to a stranger "You know, smoking kills." The stranger replies "you know My grandma lived to the age 101." Guy goes "smoking?" Stranger immediately replies with "minding her own fucking business."
Ok I'm eating at a breakfast diner, and there is an older gentleman sitting next to me at the counter.
He stands up to leave, and another old man sitting near him looks at the guy's plate and I guess he noticed that he didn't really eat a whole lot. He says to the old man as he's leaving, "people are starving, and you're leaving food on the plate."
Old man turns to the guy, looks at him for a second, and says, "people are starving, and you're fat. What's the difference?"
My friend asked our teacher "In 20 years, when you see me at our reunion, what will you say to me?"
She replied, "how was prison?"
One time my boss was up on stage for a meeting and was explaining some issues FedEx was facing with shipment times and that we'll need to adjust our shipping ETA's. So this one especially outspoken individual raised his hand and asked "So uhh, like, when are things going to be like they should be?"
To which my boss responded...
"I don't know, when are you going to be like you were in your interview?"
Whole place went nuts.
Was chatting with my parents about something and my Mum and I disagreed on a fact. I looked it up and it turned out she was right, triumphantly she said
"See? I do know a thing or two!"
I said: "Yeah? What's the other thing?"
I think I nearly killed my Dad.
At a party years back a woman was flirting with me. I didn't care for it and neither did her husband, a short, built like a bull Mexican. Hours later, at a bar, he keeps giving me the stink eye, comes up and says 'Are you gay'?
I say 'Why? Are you interested?'
He was so stunned he looked like I'd hit him with 2x4.
Saw him two weeks later. He apologized for being a jerk.
I was on Xbox Live and some older girl was trashtalking these young kids who were admittedly 9, 10, and 12. She said something crude, and another guy pipes in and tells her to get a life. She exclaims, "I have a life, this is my boyfriend's game, I'm just on my lunch break." The youngest sounding of the kids with no hesitation or pause says to her, "I didnt know hookers were even allowed to have breaks."
I have an in-law who eats keto and used it to lose a ton of weight. One of his (very overweight) cousins took it upon himself to tell him that his diet would send him to an early grave.
His response? "Yeah, but at least they'll be able to carry my coffin."
A comedian was being heckled by a guy and his two friends. The comedian told them to "pool their IQs and just come as one fucking idiot, next time".
"Your dicks the size of a tic-tac"
"Is that why your moms breath is so fresh?"
"I envy people who've never met you"
It actually took me a while to realise how cruel it was.
I was texting my (relatively mild-mannered) father the other day, and I mentioned that my mother (his ex-wife) has been complaining to me about having had a c-section when I was born. She keeps saying, "it's your fault I have this awful scar."
So I texted my dad something like, "mom's blaming me for her c-section scar."
My father texted back, "tell her you didn't know so many guys were gonna see it."
Two motorists are angling for the same parking spot. One growls, "I never back down for idiots!" "Really? Well," the other replies, shifting his car into reverse. "I always do!"
One time my girlfriend asked me what I wanted to do. Being a rude animal, I said "It starts with an F and ends with an UCK."
Without even looking up from her magazine she said "Find your lost hockey puck?"
Not the wittiest thing by itself but it was QUICK.
When a hurricane was pounding his home state, Chris Brown tweeted "Please pray for Virginia."
TV writer Danny Zuker responded, "Oh God, what did you do to her?"
I had a customer angry we couldn't take another company's gift card. He said "are you saying I can't read?" I said "no our store got sold we can't take those anymore the grace period ended 2 years ago" when he looked at the gift card again he said nothing. His wife said "I guess you can't read after all".
I wanted to high five that lady.
My brother and I were at a Sonic restaurant in like 2009. He had, in each ear, a one inch hole and and an inch and and half hole. I had one inch ear piercings myself. The waitress skated out with our food. She had probably double-zero holes in her ears, less than half an inch. She looked at me and then at my brother and said, "damn, you make my holes feel small." Without skipping a beat, my brother replied, "that's what all the ladies say."
This short guy at Buffalo Wild Wings was drunk and talking shit on my brother for being tall (6'4") for some reason, saying stuff like "oh big tall man over here look at you aren't you special" etc. My brother responded with, "Dude, I was your height. It wasn't that great".
Man on bench: Run, Forrest, run! Jogger: Sit, fat ass, sit!
Reading through a fight between some friends of friends on FB. A girl says "Taken but not appreciated" in response to being given some advice about something. Someone responds with "I didn't ask for the title of your autobiography"
One of the only times I've audibly gasped at something I've read on the internet.
"You are, without a doubt, the worst pirate I've ever heard of."
"But you have heard of me."
Always enjoyed that one.
This one happened TO me. Absolutely brutal, but hilarious.
I was on a job site with a co-worker named Scott, redoing some plumbing in an empty house. We had an Ipod going, and a song by White Zombie comes on. I can't remember the name of it, but the intro has audio clips of a woman having an orgasm. I yell to Scott "Hey, I think your wife is here!" He was sweeping up some dust after drilling a hole through some concrete, so, he scoops it up, walks over, and very slowly pours it on the floor in front of me with a smirk on his face and says "Hey Pat, your mom's here."
My mother had been cremated about 3 weeks before this happened.
I had an associate at work telling me how they used to volunteer at a Salvation Army Shelter that would take in the homeless on cold nights for free. Apparently one of the people they took in that night was very upset that he had to share the room they were providing and started making a scene. His roommate told him to "go to the front and ask for a refund".
Guy in my class in junior high had psoriasis and had to use a Vaseline type cream on his scalp, making his hair super greasy. We had a young male substitute teacher and the student kept ribbing him all class... just constantly bugging him, saying things like he could tell he's never taught before, he should consider a new job, etc. etc. Really annoying. Finally the teacher looks at him and says, "Well at least I didn't comb my hair with a pork chop this morning before coming to school." Whole class erupts. Kid didn't say a word after that.
Coworker called lead. Lead was on speakerphone.
Coworker notified us he's coming in for work a little late - they were trying to have a baby and his wife thought that day needed to be a day they tried based on her cycle and all that.
lead says "fine [name], we don't mind you showing up 30 seconds late. Good luck!"
Crew died laughing.
"Why do you have only half of you teeth?"
"Because I used to ask stupid questions too."
Told my dad he wasn't funny and how he never makes jokes and he replies with "Well I made you didn't I?"
"Why does everyone always hate my girlfriend right when they meet her?"
"It saves time."
Heckler: My mum died of cancer!
Comedian: I'm really sorry to hear that, but how is that relevant?
Heckler: It was funnier than your act.
Girl 1: I'm French Canadian, so I can drink a lot.
Girl 2: I'm Irish, so I can drink more than you.
Girl 1: Yeah, but I can stop
Friend's mother was shitting on her for not eating her peas: "There are starving children in Africa!"
Friend slouched down in her chair, narrowed her eyes and said: "Name them."
My fire team partner in the army.
New Sgt: where are you from private brown
Pte brown: red deer Alberta
New Sgt: I heard there is nothing but steers and queers there.
Pte brown: where are you from Sgt?
New Sgt: my mothers pussy
Pte brown: I'll have to visit some time.
My 4-year old was mad at me one night.
He tells me: "OH YEA, WE'LL I'M GONNA SELL YOUR BIRTHDAY ON EBAY!" I matter-of-factly informed him that I don't need anymore birthdays anyway. His retort: "AND NO ONE IS GONNA BUY IT!"
WTF. I've hung out with some real degenerates in my 35 years, but no one has cut me as deep as that.
This girl told a friend of mine that another guy had told her that she looks like Megan Fox, to which my friend responded with "You should have given his guide dog a biscuit".
Kid I was fighting with in middle school - (paraphrase) I bet your parents think you're a failure.
Me - Your parents don't even know you're a failure (he was adopted.)
I felt a little bad afterwards, but the kid was a prick and still is 15 years later.
Me, 11 years old, debating a CC member during an election campaign.
"Which one of us is a city council member?"
"Apparently the wrong one"
Overheard two friends ragging each other yesterday:
Friend one: I'm sexier than you by a mile.
Friend two: Yeah if you're standing a mile away.
My friends mom works in a jail, and they had a black woman who would not stop calling the authorities crackers. The woman is told if she says the word cracker one more time she is getting detained or something like that. "Alright fine, Saltine American."
"I have men throwing themselves at me."
"Yeah, but only after they've run out of bullets and thrown the gun."
My buddy and I were hanging out with a good looking girl. He had a new hat. She reached up, touched it, and asked "is it felt?" He responded "it is now". He is far wittier than me.
"Are you getting smart with me?"
"How would you know?"
"If you look up gullible in the dictionary, you'll find a picture of you"
"Yeah, well at least my dictionary doesn't have pictures, you fucking idiot"
"You know what the difference is between your opinion and this pizza? I asked for the pizza.."
"What are you lookin at asshole?!?!"
"How many guesses do I get?"
When I was 12-ish, the mean girl in dance class watched me spill water on myself, then said 'smooth move, exlax' so I said 'thanks, pepto-bitch-mol'. Ten years later and I still haven't beaten that one.
This was specific to a situation, but I was proud of it.
Customer was being an ass and trying to strong arm a partial refund from me. He returned his car 5 hours late and didn't expect any extra charges. Eventually he says" Your job is to type in your little computer and give me a receipt with the RIGHT PRICE. My job is to return the car, pay for it, and go the hell home!"
I responded, "Well you're at 2 out of 3 so far."
We locked eyes for a moment and I saw fire burning behind his irises. When he realized I wasn't backing down to his bullying, he grumbled to himself and left in a huff.
Heard a brother and sister arguing in a restaurant once. I can't remember the details, but I can remember that the sister called the brother a "fat fuck". His face relaxed and he was silent for a good three seconds. He raised an eyebrow, the only emotion he conveyed and said in the most genuine, even tone I've ever heard "you should have been a meal for mom."
He got up and walked away.
A girl and her about to be ex-boyfriend were arguing:
She: "What's she got that I ain't got?"
He: "She has job, she cooks, she cleans, she doesn't waste her money on dumb shit, she doesn't just sit on her ass watching Dr. Phil..." and so on for about five minutes.
TL;DR: She asked; he gave her a real answer.
- You're like the first slice of bread, everybody touches you but no body wants you.
A girl at work had to get glasses and one of out regulars comes in and says "aw man you should take those off you look way better without them" and she goes "yeah you look way better without them too."
You remind me of broccoli... I don't like broccoli...
This short guy at Buffalo Wild Wings was drunk and talking shit on my brother for being tall (6'4") for some reason, saying stuff like "oh big tall man over here look at you aren't you special" etc. My brother responded with, "Dude, I was your height. It wasn't that great"