99 Funniest Dad Jokes
Trying to determine what makes a good (or bad) dad joke is not so easy, but there are some certain ingredients that we can name. First of all, the one-liner has to be administered by a dad (not necessarily your own), it has to be both corny and somewhat amusing, and most of all it just has to have a hackneyed pun to make it the best joke ever. Although not everyone is a big fan of that type of comedy gold, there is a certain amount of appreciation any person can have for a well-timed funny pun. Especially if it's followed by thunderous laughter from the person and the classic finger-guns pose.
Oh, and if you're a dad joke aficionado like we are, you might be surprised to know, as to where these inappropriate jokes stem from. So, the first theory is because your beloved father just feels nostalgic to those times when you were little and laughed at just about anything. The other approach for these hilarious jokes is a much more anticipated one - your father wants to embarrass you as much as he can while he can. And that's precisely what these funny jokes are meant to do.
Scroll down below to see some of the best funny dad jokes around and don't forget to comment and vote for your favorites.
Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.
DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.
MOM: Oh my! Who!?
DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?
MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????
DAD: No, it was with a knife...
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!
What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know
What is the least spoken language in the world? Sign language
My daughter screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?" What a strange way to start a conversation with me...
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
When a dad drives past a graveyard: Did you know that's a popular cemetery? Yep, people are just dying to get in there!
There's an interesting fact about the cemetery in my area - it's the dead centre of the town.
My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.
Justice is a dish best served cold, if it were served warm it would be justwater.
The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the pee is silent.
What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAAAIIIINNNNS!”
Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants!
If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?
Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.
That ok, today i heard Youtube, Twitter, and Facebook are all merging. They're going to call it You-Twit-Face.
I told my son I was named after Thomas Jefferson… He said, “But dad, your name is Brian.” I said, “I know, but I was named AFTER Thomas Jefferson.”
KID: "Dad, make me a sandwich!" DAD: "Poof, you’re a sandwich!”
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it.
What has two butts and kills people? An assassin
CASHIER: "Would you like the milk in a bag, sir?" DAD: "No, just leave it in the carton!’”
What's the best part about living in Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
When an ambulance zips past with its siren blaring: "They won’t sell much ice cream driving that fast.”
If Snoop Dogg dies before pot becomes legal in the US, he will be rolling in his grave.
Wow guys. He will be rolling (joints made out of pot) while in his grave. Please man, just...just get it.
What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracadabrador.
5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.
Why couldn't the bike standup by itself? It was two tired.
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea!
GRANDPA: I have a 'dad bod', DAD: To me it's more like a father figure.
What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.
When a dad drives past a cow pasture: LOOK! That cow is OUT-STANDING in his field!
I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.
When you ask a dad if he's alright: "No, I’m half left.”
Defo my dad. If you said 'what?' To him he would also say 'no I'm not hot thanks'.
KID: "Hey, I was thinking…" DAD: "I thought I smelled something burning.”
A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles.
SON: *hands my Dad his 50th birthday card*, DAD: You know, one would have been enough.
A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry we don’t serve food here."
A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here." The string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?" The string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."
What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
To call the whole Elon Musk controversy “Elon-Gate” seems like a bit of a stretch.
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef. If the cow has no legs, then it’s ground beef.
I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show I ever saw!
When you ask a dad if they got a haircut: "No, I got them all cut!"
What did the guy say when he arrived in Antartica? Well that wasn't a warm welcome
Where did the college-aged vampire like to shop? Forever 21.
*a vampire that could use their time being immortal to research cancer* you know what? I'm going to the mall today!
GROCERY STORE CHECKER: "Paper or plastic?" DAD: "Either, I’m bisacktual.”
What did the horse say after it tripped? "Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!”
You know what the loudest pet you can get is? A trumpet.
Why wasn't the woman happy with the velcro she bought? It was a total ripoff.
What noise does a 747 make when it bounces? Boeing, Boeing, Boeing.
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods. It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
What do you call a factory that sells passable products? A satisfactory.
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, "First offender?" She says, "No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!”
Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents!
REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
You're American when you go into the bathroom, and you're American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you're in there? European.
WAITRESS: "Soup or salad?" DAD: "I don’t want a SUPER salad, I want a regular salad.”
I actually misunderstood someone saying SUPERSALAD but they were just saying soup or salad
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
What does an angry pepper do? It gets jalapeño your face.
As a lumberjack, I know that I’ve cut exactly 2,417 trees. I know because every time I cut one, I keep a log.
Want to hear a joke about a piece of paper? Never mind... it's tearable.
"Did you hear the one about the bed?" "No." "That's because it hasn't been made up yet!"
Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans!
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? Elephino.
I was interrogated over the theft of a cheese toastie. Man, they really grilled me.
Why did the golfer were two pairs of pants Because the golfer had a hole in one
A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I’m looking for the man who shot my paw."
This is one of my all-time favorites. When my kids were young(er), I would tell this joke every evening at the supper table. I did that for over a year, so I'm sure it'll be passed down to my grandkids and, hopefully, generations after. At least I'll have a legacy. 8^] I've always spoken the punchline using my best John Wayne impersonation.
You heard of that new band 1023MB? They're good but they haven't got a gig yet.
Did you see they made round bails of hay illegal in Wisconsin? It’s because the cows weren’t getting a square meal.
What do you call a lonely cheese? Provolone.
I'm fetta-p with bad food puns, even i'm not that old! You'll need a stronger start if you want to keep up with me. lol
DAD, TO A SINGER: "Don’t forget a bucket." SINGER: "Why?" DAD: "To carry your tune."
I told my 14 year old son I thought 'Fortnite' was a stupid name for a computer game. I think it is just too weak.
How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad? A frog says, "Ribbit, ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, rub it.”
What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.
Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? Because he was a little horse!
What do you call a fish with two knees? A “two-knee” fish.
What do you call a fish with two knees that likes to play music ? A “two-knee” fish.
Anyone else keep hearing the "ba-dum-dum *cymbal crash" after each one? lol
What do you get when a sheep, drum and a snake fall off a cliff? Baa-dum-hiss...
My sister & her hubby are having their first. I gave him joke books wrapped in ribbon as a New Dad's Prep Kit. They laughed and he tossed out some real groaners - he's already well on the way to annoying the heck out of my new niece!
By cringe you mean laugh (or at least smile)? Right ? :)
Anyone else keep hearing the "ba-dum-dum *cymbal crash" after each one? lol
What do you get when a sheep, drum and a snake fall off a cliff? Baa-dum-hiss...
My sister & her hubby are having their first. I gave him joke books wrapped in ribbon as a New Dad's Prep Kit. They laughed and he tossed out some real groaners - he's already well on the way to annoying the heck out of my new niece!
By cringe you mean laugh (or at least smile)? Right ? :)