You can’t go wrong with having some of the funniest dad jokes in your book of humor. The good thing about these jokes is that they can be funny and corny. It's a difficult balance to strike correctly, so it’s not a wonder why the funniest dad jokes of all time make us smile on the outside but feel a bit ashamed on the inside. May it be a Facebook meme or a quick Instagram post, dad jokes can be found everywhere, but for them to be funny, there has to be some effort put into them.
When it comes to the best dad jokes ever, they have to be a bit corny. It is where the humor and cringe part comes from. Playing with the words said by children and other people, making fun of the event that just happened — nothing is safe from the humor of dads. Corny dad jokes make fun of the situation at hand to try and cheer up the people around. The cornier it is, the funnier it will be. While you might not laugh at what a dad says now, when the same situation comes up for you, the puns will come out of you too.
Dads are not the only ones with a book full of funny and corny jokes — we have one too. Below, we compiled some corny and funny dad jokes that you can tell your father or friends. Be sure to upvote the jokes and puns you think are funny. If you have your own to share, do so in the comments below and wait for reactions.
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“I’ve been a dad for 26 years, so this is the real deal: I was abducted by a group of mimes. They did unspeakable things to me.”
“Dad at lunch.
Dad: ‘Do you have anything cheap cuz I’m not that hungry.’
Waiter: ‘Well, maybe the chicken strips for $6.’
Dad: ‘Well, maybe it does, but that doesn’t help my hunger.’”
“Dad: ‘Did you know that the people living nearby actually can’t be buried in that cemetery.’
Kid: ‘Why?’
Dad: ‘Because they’re not dead yet.’”
“At the park with my girls: ‘Dad, can we go play?’
Me: ‘Sure, just stay away from those trees over there.’
Girls: ‘Umm... Ok, why?’
Me: ‘I don’t know... They look a little shady to me.’”
“Dad: ‘What’s a pirate’s favorite letter of the alphabet?’
Me: ‘Aaaarrrgh!’
Dad: ‘No! Tis the C they love!’”
PSA: If your child makes that noise please get them to hospital immediately.”
“Waitress: ‘Ok, well if you need anything, my name’s Jennifer.’
Me: ‘What’s your name if we don’t need anything?’”
“Someone broke in last night and stole all my anti-depressants. I hope they’re happy.”
“Why did the scarecrow win an award?
He was outstanding in his field.”
This joke is funny, but rarely do scarecrows own the fields they are in.
“Why do graveyards have gates?
Because people are dying to get in.”
My Grandpa had a terrible cold, and lost his box of tissues, so we buried him. Now he has something to coffin.
“The only joke my dad ever uses: ‘I took up origami for a while, but I gave it up because it was too much paperwork.’”
“What’s black and bad for your teeth? A bowling ball.”
“Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with. So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.”
“‘Did you get a haircut?’
Dad: ‘Nope, got em all cut.’”
“When I gave dad his 50th birthday card he began to cry and said: ‘You know 1 card really would have been enough.’”
“I went to buy some deodorant. They asked: ‘Ball type?’
I said: ‘No, it’s for under my arms.’”
a german guy went into a swedish pharmacy,: "I vant some deodorant" "Ball or aerosol?" "nizer, i want it for my armpits."
“What’s green, furry, has 4 legs and will kill you if it falls out of a tree onto you?
A pool table.”
“I tell dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs.”
“Dad: ‘Look at that flock of cows over there.’
Kids: ‘A HERD of cows.’
Dad: ‘Of course I heard of cows, there is a flock of them right over there.’”
“Dad buying fake Christmas tree.
Cashier: ‘Are you going to put it up yourself?’
Dad: ‘Don’t be disgusting... I’m going to put it up in the living room.’”
“What’s white and interferes with your picnic?
An avalanche.”
“What’s blue and not heavy?
Light blue.”
“Him: ‘How do you hide an elephant in a strawberry patch?’
Me: ‘How?’
Him: ‘You paint their toenails red.’
Me: ‘...that wouldn’t work!’
Him: ‘Well, have you ever seen an elephant in a strawberry patch?’”
“I invented a new word today: Plagiarism!”
“What do you call a wingless fly?
A walk.”
“Dad at breakfast: ‘I’ll have bacon and eggs, please.’
Waiter: ‘How do you like your eggs?’
Dad: ‘I don’t know, I haven’t gotten them yet!’”
“What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is very heavy, the other is a little lighter.”
“I haven‘t been to the gym in so long I‘ve gone back to calling it James.”
“My dad, on seeing my friend for the first time after getting her gallbladder out: ‘Oh, I almost didn’t recognize you without your gallbladder!’”
“Dad: ‘Why can’t a bicycle stand up by itself?’
Me: ‘I don't know, why?’
Dad: ‘Because it is two-tired.’”
“Similar to when I show people around my house. When we reach the garage: ‘And this is my step ladder. I never really knew my real ladder.’”
“‘If a child doesn’t want to take a nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?’ Asked by one of the guys at a volunteer event to a Sheriff.”
“I hate those people who knock on your door and say you need to get ‘saved’ or else you will ‘burn.’ Stupid firemen.”
“Dad: ‘Someone among us is an owl.’
Me: ‘Who?’
Dad: *Narrows eyes suspiciously*”
“Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water? Because if they fell forward, they’d still be in the boat.”
“Son: ‘The dog ate the confetti, and now he’s having a hard time getting it out.’
Dad: ‘I guess he’s a party pooper.’”
“Cashier: ‘Is that all for you?’
Me: ‘Oh my gosh no! It’s for the whole family.’”
A woman came into the bank and asked me to check her balance. I pushed her over.
“Kid falls down.
Dad: ‘Are you alright?’
Kid: ‘Yeah.’
Dad: ‘That’s weird, you should be half left.’”
“Do you know how to make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it!”
“What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s blue and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding it’s breath.”
“What’s the last thing that goes through a bug’s mind when it hits the windshield?
It’s a*s.”
“Dad: ‘Nice shirt, is that felt?’
Not Dad: ‘No.’ Dad reaches over and touches sleeve: ‘It is now!’”
“Do you know why I never trust stairs?
They’re always letting you down.”
“A man walks into a library and goes over the the counter.
He tells the librarian: ‘I would like a cheeseburger, large fry and a chocolate shake.’
Librarian replies: ‘I’m sorry, what?’
Man says: ‘I would like a cheeseburger, large fry and a chocolate shake.’ Librarian says: ‘I’m sorry sir, this is a library.’
Man whispers: ‘Oh, sorry, I would like a cheeseburger, large fry and a chocolate shake.’”
“‘You know why the queen never waves with this hand?’
Waves purposefully with left hand and waits for someone to say the queen is right handed.
‘No... Because it’s mine.’”
“‘Would you like the milk in the bag?’
Dad: ‘No, thanks, you can keep it in the carton.’”
“‘Did you hear about the celebrity who stabbed her husband? Reese... Reese... Um...’
‘Witherspoon?’
‘No, with her knife.’”
“Dad reading the paper: ‘Did you hear about the guy who got his left arm and left leg cut off?’
Me: ‘No.’
Dad: ‘He’s all right now.’”
“Dad: ‘Is your refrigerator running?’
Me: ‘Sigh, yes.’
Dad: ‘Well, you better go catch it.’”
That's a really old one. People would make random phone calls and ask this to the person answering.The other one my dad told me is: "Do you have Prince Albert in a can (type of tobacco)?" "Well let him out."
“Dad: ‘What’s white, looks like a fridge and if it fell out of a tree, would kill you?’
Me: ‘A fridge.’
Dad: ‘Okay, then smart guy, what is white and blue, looks like a fridge and if it fell out of a tree, would kill you?’
Me: ‘What?’
Dad: ‘A fridge wearing a denim jacket.’”
“Grandpa: ‘Geez, it’s cold. Don't you ever wonder why it gets so cold here?’
Dad: ‘Yeah! Do you know why?’
Grandpa: ‘Yep. Lack of heat.’”
“My Dad was talking to some friends introducing me.
My Dad: ‘This is my pride and joy, my only son... I think.’”
“Dad: ‘Do you know how many people are buried in that cemetery?’
Kid: ‘No.’
Dad: ‘All of them.’”
“‘Dad can you make me a sandwich?’
Dad walks over, grabs two slices of bread comes and comes back. Places bread over my ears.
‘There, now you’re a sandwich.’”
“Do you know why I never trust stairs?
Because they are always up to something.”
“Me: ‘Woah look at all birds.’
Dad: (Unimpressed) ‘That’s not all the birds.’”
“What’s the stupidest animal in the jungle?
The polar bear.”
“Waiter: ‘How would you like your steak cooked?’
Dad: ‘On a grill.’”
“Grandpa: ‘Hey a train just went through here.’
Me: ‘How can you tell?’
Grandpa: ‘You can still see it‘s tracks.’”
“Dad gets in an elevator.
Dad: ‘Have you heard about the elevator business?’
Everyone in the elevator: ‘...’
Dad: ‘It has its ups and its downs.’”
I guess it's better to invest in this since the stair business is always up to something.
“What did the fish find at the base of the dam?
Bass turds.”
“My dad is kind of a square because he’s never been around.”
“A man goes to the doctor and says: ‘Doctor, it hurts when I press on my body here, here and here.’
Doctor says: ‘I know what ails you.’
Man: ‘What?’
Doctor: ‘A broken finger!’”
“‘I need you to choose between me and your compulsion to show people doors.’
With tears in eyes: ‘Well, there’s the door.’”
“Every time someone says: ‘If I don’t see you again, have a great weekend.’
I respond with: ‘Well what kind of weekend should I have if you DO see me again?’
It cracks me up every time. Them? Not so much.”
“Well, my dad told me I was his favorite joke, so.”
“‘Peat and Repeat are walking on a bridge. Peat falls off, who’s left?’
‘Repeat!’
‘Ok fine. Peat and Repeat are walking in a bridge...’”
“Daughter: ‘Mexico measures distances in meters because they don’t use feet.’
Dad (me): ‘How can they walk if they don’t use feet?’”
“Dad: ‘Did you know that the people living nearby actually can’t be buried in that cemetery.’
Kid: ‘Why?’
Dad: ‘Because they’re not dead yet.’”
I feel like this dad may be suffering from early onset dementia because he is repeating himself.
“Dad: ‘Where's the nearest town?’
Me: ‘13 miles, a place called Newcastle.’
Dad: ‘Huh, I wonder what happened to the old one.’”
“The first ‘dad’ joke I ever was told was: ‘Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because it was dead.’”
Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree? It was stapled to the first one. Why did the 3rd one cross the road? it was stapled to the chicken? Why was the homeless man crying? because he was all out of staples.
