Everyone is familiar with unfading classics in the comedy world, but we wouldn’t stretch it too far to nominate bar jokes as king of them all. They are like little bundles of laughter shared in the heart of good company. They can be great conversation starters, too!
From the classic “man walks into a bar” tales to clever bartender jokes, these quips promise to tickle your funny bone. Bars are not just for jokes and drinks, though. You can hear many remarkable stories, explore various people’s lives, and make new friends. And all those are connected by the specific humor in your local pub.
Whether you’re a seasoned bar hopper looking for the next couple of one-liner jokes, you can tell your drinking buddies or just seeking a chuckle, this collection will offer you a delightful escape into the realm of humor.
So, with no further ado, dive into this list and hold on to your chairs! You’ll have a difficult time remaining seated due to laughter. Share with your family and friends and make their day brighter, too.
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An amnesiac walks into a bar.
He goes up to a beautiful blonde and says, “So, do I come here often?”
A blind man walks into a bar...and a chair... and a lampost...
Schrödinger’s cat walks into a bar.
And doesn’t.
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How the hell did you do that?”
A cat walks into a bar and orders a glass of water. The bartender asks, “Are you going to drink it, or just knock it over on purpose?”
Haha why do cats love knocking things over anyway? Can someone explain plz
What Are Bar Jokes?
Bar jokes are like little nuggets of humor that people share when hanging out at a bar. They’re like funny stories that usually take place in a bar. It’s a great way to make new friends and lift the spirits of your regular drinking pals.
People have been telling jokes for centuries, but funny bar jokes got popular in the 20th century. Back then, bars became the number one spot for people to meet and have a good time. So, it became a natural spot for funny stories.
An Irishman walks by a bar… it could happen.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers, please.”
A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Wow, I’ve never served a weasel before. What can I get you?”
“Pop,” goes the weasel.
David Hasselhoff walks into a bar and says to the barman, "I want you to call me David Hoff."
The barman replies "sure thing, Dave... no hassle."
Two conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.
You can’t tell me that was just a coincidence, man.
How Did the Classic "Walks Into a Bar..." Joke Come to Be?
The “man walks into a bar” joke is a really famous kind of bar joke. It all started over 4000 years ago. Back then, people loved telling jokes, just like we do today. But one day, someone came up with a clever idea.
At the end of the 19th century, archeologists unearthed a Sumerian tablet. Many proverbs and wisdom were inscribed on it, but the first documented bar joke also appeared somewhere in between.
According to Edmund I. Gordon’s translation, the joke reads as: “A dog, having entered an inn, did not see anything, and he said: ‘Shall I open this door?’”
Many are wondering what the punchline of this joke is. Some are suggesting that it’s a classic “blind” joke, where a dog literally walks into a bar. We might never know the true meaning, but it’s incredible to think that even that long ago, people used the same jokes as we do today!
The barman says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.” A time traveler walks into a bar.
A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon, his spurs clinking as he walks, his six-shooter slapping at his furry hip. He bellies up to the bar, stares down the bartender, and proclaims, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
A neutron walks into a bar.
“How much for a beer?” the neutron asks.
“For you?” says the bartender. “No charge.”
Atoms never touch. Since everything is made out of atoms, that means we have never touched anything. So, no officer, i did not drop kick that child.
So this lawyer walks into a bar and asks "Is this where I take the exam?"
Are There Any Dirty Bar Jokes?
Yep, there are some dirty bar jokes out there. But you have one thing to consider. Bar jokes are supposed to be fun and make people laugh. But sometimes, when jokes get too dirty, they can be inappropriate, especially in public places like a bar where different kinds of people might be around, including kids or folks who don’t like that kind of humor.
That’s why it’s essential to be mindful of our jokes and ensure they’re okay for everyone. If a joke feels too dirty or might make someone uncomfortable, it’s probably better to skip the adult jokes and go for the cleaner, funny bar jokes instead. That way, everyone can have a good time without feeling awkward!
A dog walks into a bar then out, then in, then back out.
Descartes walked into a bar and ordered a beer. “Want another?” asked the bartender. “I think not”, Descartes replied … then he disappeared.
A non-renewable natural resource walks into a bar and orders a tall glass of whiskey.
The bartender says, “Sorry friend, I can’t serve you; you’ve been getting wasted all day long!”
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender: “I’ll have a Gin and… Tonic.”
The bartender asks, “Why the big pause?”
And the polar bear replies, “I don’t know, I’ve always had them.”
A guy walks into a bar and asks for fruit punch the bartender says "sure just get in line".
The guy looks over and gets confused cause there's no punchline.
Give a man a duck and he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to duck and he’ll never walk into a bar.
A snake slithers into a bar and asks for a beer.
The bartender replies, “Sorry, we don’t serve your kind here.”
“Why not?” asks the snake. “You can’t hold your liquor."
George R.R. Martin, Joss Whedon, and Steven Moffat walk into a bar, and everyone you’ve ever loved dies.
Julius Caesar walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a Martinus.”
The bartender gives him a puzzled look and asks, “Don’t you mean a Martini?”
“Look,” Caesar replies. “If I wanted a double, I’d have asked for it!”
Two scientists walk into a bar.
One says, “I’ll have an H2O please”
The second scientist says, “I’ll have an H2O too.”
The second scientist died.
A unicorn walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender, quite surprised to see a unicorn in the bar says, “That will be $7.50; and by the way, we’ve never seen a unicorn in here.” The unicorn replies, “At $7.50 a beer, I can understand why.”
An SEO expert walks into a bar, bars, pub, tavern, public house, Irish pub, drinks, beer, alcohol.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey." The horse says, "You read my mind, buddy."
Aragorn, Boromir, Legolas, and Gandalf walk into a bar.
Gimli and the Hobbits are short enough to walk under it.
A computer scientist walks into a bar, and while holding up two fingers says to the bartender: "Three beers, please"
A man with authority walks into a bar.
He orders everyone around.
An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a Welshman, a Frenchman, a German, an Italian, a Swede, two Finns, a Norwegian, a Dane, a Greenlander, an Austrian, a Hungarian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Latvian, an Estonian, a Russian, a Turk, an Egyptian, a Palestinian, an Israeli, a Greek, a Macedonian, a Moldovan, a Chinese guy, a Japanese guy, a Laotian, a Vietnamese guy, a Cambodian, a North Korean, a South Korean, an American, a Mexican, a Canadian, a Brazilian, an Australian, a New Zealander, a South African, a Libyan, a Moroccan, a Spaniard and a Cuban try to walk into a fancy cocktail bar.
The bouncer says, 'Sorry, lads... you can't come in without a Thai.'
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says
“I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
So a five-dollar bill walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “Hey, this is a singles bar.”
A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.
A brain walks into a bar and orders a pint of beer. The bartender says, “I’m not serving you, you’re out of your skull!”
Gold walks into a bar. The bartender yells, “AU, get out!”
And SQL statement walks into a bar, sees two tables and asks "May I join you?"
Several fonts walk into a bar. "Get out of here!" shouts the bartender. "We don't serve your type here."
A penguin walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “So, what will it be this time?”
The penguin doesn’t answer because it’s a penguin.
Two whales walk into a bar. The first one says, “Eooooooooohahummmuuuuuuuuoooooooaaauuuuuuuuuuuuuuum.”
The second whale turns to the first and says…
“Frank, what is wrong with you?”
A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intents and purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.
A man walks into a bar. He said, “Ouch.”
The NSA walks into a bar.
“Hey, I’ve got a great new joke for you!” the barman says.
The NSA smiles and says, “Heard it.”
E-flat walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don't serve minors.”
This should be: C, E flat, and G walk into a bar... A note can't be minor on its own.
A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.
A guy walks into a bar owned by Eminem.
He tells the bartender, “Give me two shots of…”
The bartender cuts him off saying, “You only get one shot.”
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, "Olive or Twist?"
A screwdriver rolls into a bar.
The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!”
The screwdriver squeals, “You have a drink named Philip??”
A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender shouts, “We don’t serve superconductors here. Get out!”
The superconductor leaves without putting up any resistance.
Bill Gates walks into a bar. Everyone inside suddenly becomes a millionaire on average.
A statistician walks into just your average bar. The bartender says we don't serve statisticians in this bar.
The statistician says "Well, you're just mean."
His friend knew the bartender from college and asked for "A mead, Ian"
3 guys walk into a bar... and the 4th one ducks.
What do you call a guy who’s had too much to drink?
A cab.
A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink, but the bartender yells at him to get out before he stinks up the place.
The mushroom looks taken aback and says, “Why? I’m a fun guy.”
A rabbi, a priest, and a Lutheran minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
Two dragons walk into a bar.
The first one says, “It sure is hot in here.”
His friend snaps back, “Shut your mouth!”
A sign on Washington's Route 8, featuring an illustration of a police car with lights flashing, reads
"If you drink and drive, we'll provide the chasers."
A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall, but hoping to nip it in the bud.
A cornstalk walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Want to hear a joke?" The corn stalk replies, "I'm all ears!"
A new lawyer walks into a diner.
“Where’s the bar?” he asks.
A waitress responds, “You passed it on the way here.”
Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. “I can’t serve you,” replies the bartender. “You’re Bard!”
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.” The bacteria say, “But we work here, we’re staph.”
A guy walks out of a bar on the moon, complaining "The drinks were ok but there is no atmosphere."
And he can't charge his Tesla because the charging station is on Mars
A lion walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Do you have any jobs?”
The bartender shakes his head sadly and says, “No, sorry. Why don’t you try the circus?”
The lion replies, “Why would the circus need a bartender?”
A brain goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a pint, please." The bartender says, "Sorry, I can't serve you. You're out of your head."
So this guy limped into a bar and the bartender asks, “What’s with the limp?” The guy says, “Two surgeons just gave me a knee replacement.” To which the bartender asked, “Joint operation?”
Elvis walks into a bar, says “Love me, tender”, and the bartender holds him gently, strokes his quiff and they grow old together.
A rabbi walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, “Where did you get that?” The parrot says, “Brooklyn, they’re everywhere!”
A run-on sentence walks into a bar and starts flirting with a cute little sentence fragment.
A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.
A Scottish man walks into a bar…
There’s usually an Irish man and English man in this joke, but they’re still at the Rugby World Cup.
A guy walks into a bar and throws a prawn cocktail at the bartender.
“And that’s just for starters”, he says.
A North Korean walks into a bar and the bartender says, “How’s it going?” The North Korean says, “Can’t complain.”
A leprechaun walks into a bar. The bartender gives him a beer and says, “That’ll be $2.50.” The leprechaun puts two dollar bills on the bar and starts walking away. The barkeep shouts, “You’re a little short!”
Dated a guy for a while that was handsome, nice and about 5 feet tall. He im'd me that he'd pick me up for a date in 45 minutes. I Im'd back "See ya shorty!". I meant to type "shortly". The relationship did not progress.
A Scottish piece of copper wire walks into a bar and the bartender challenges him to drink a pint of beer in under two seconds. The copper wire responds, “I conduit!”
A crow wearing a pearl necklace walks into a bar and orders a drink. “I’ve never seen a crow wearing pearls before,” says the bartender. “What do you expect with basic black?” asks the crow.
A man walks into a bar with his alligator and asks: “Do you serve lawyers here?”. The bartender says: “Yes, of course we do!” The man says, “OK, I’ll have a beer for myself and a lawyer for my alligator.”
A guy walks into a bar. He asks the bartender,
“Do you have any helicopter-flavored potato chips?”
The bartender shakes his head and says, “No, we only have plain.”
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink.
When the neutron gets his drink, he asks, “Bartender, how much do I owe you?”
The bartender replies, “For you, neutron, no charge.”
A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"
Two nuns, a penguin, a man with a parrot on his shoulder, and a giraffe walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, “I’ve lost my electron.”
The other says, “Are you sure?”
The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive.”
Mr Pedant says "then he'd be an ion, not an atom" ... I'll get my coat ...
An Oxford comma walks into a bar where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk, and smoking cigars.
A skeleton walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’m sorry, but I can’t serve you. You can’t hold your liquor.
A golf club walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a beer. The bartender refused to serve him. “Why not,” asked the golf club. “Because you’ll be driving later,” replied the bartender.
Two antennae met in a bar, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
A giraffe walked into a bar and the bartender said, “Do you want a long neck?” The giraffe asked, “Do I have a choice?”
A green photon walked into a bar. The bartender said, "you look fluorescent!" The photon turned red and left.
A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender asks what he’d like. The horse doesn’t reply because it’s a horse and obviously can’t speak or understand English. Several people get up and leave, sensing the danger of having a live animal in a bar.
An oxymoron walks into a bar, and the sound was deafening.
Three vampires walk into a bar.
The first one says, “I’ll have a pint of blood.”
The second one says, “I’ll have one, too.”
The third one says, “I’ll have a pint of plasma.”
The bartender says, “So, that’ll be two bloods and a blood lite?”
A cockroach, a rat, and an ant walk into a bar.
They receive strange looks from all those inside, as the bartender calls pest control.
An infinite amount of mathematicians walked into a bar. The first ordered a pint, the second ordered a half pint, the third ordered a fourth pint, etc. The Bartender eventually walked up and gave them two pints and said: “You mathematicians don’t know your limits.”
A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under one arm. The man says, "Beer, please, and one for the road."
A screwdriver rolls into a bar.
The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!”
The screwdriver squeals, “You have a drink named Philip?”
A crab walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a pint please, but if I’m not satisfied with it, I’d like to be compensated with 10 bottles of champagne.”
The bartender says, “Why the big clause?”
2 strings approach a bar with a sign that says "no strings allowed." The first string decides to go in anyway. The bar tender points to the sign and says, "we don't serve your kind here, get out!" The first string leaves. The second string decides he wants a drink, so he tangles himself up, musses his hair, and goes in. The bartender looks at him skeptically and asks, "are you a string?" The string replies, "no, I'm a frayed knot."
2 strings approach a bar with a sign that says "no strings allowed." The first string decides to go in anyway. The bar tender points to the sign and says, "we don't serve your kind here, get out!" The first string leaves. The second string decides he wants a drink, so he tangles himself up, musses his hair, and goes in. The bartender looks at him skeptically and asks, "are you a string?" The string replies, "no, I'm a frayed knot."
