Item #: SCP-504
Object Class: Safe
Description: SCP-504 is a species of tomato physically and genetically identical to that of the typical commercially-grown tomato. It was recovered in [REDACTED], Kentucky after a woman reported to the police that her farmer husband had been "murdered by his lunch". The Foundation is currently working to identify and destroy loose strains of SCP-504 in the surrounding commercial farming areas.
When a poor attempt at humor is made verbally within human hearing range of SCP-504's tomatoes, they instantly accelerate to a speed of at least 100 miles per hour (approx. 160 kilometers per hour, 45 meters per second) in the direction of the sound's source. Only mature tomatoes, separated from their vines and less than 10% rotted or chemically compromised, exhibit this effect once each. Tomatoes do not have to be physically intact, though ingested tomatoes are usually insulated enough from sound to prevent their effects before neutralization by stomach acid.
SCP-504 tomatoes seem to reach speeds relative to the inciting attempt at humor (see experiment log). Relevant variables seem to include corniness, humor-to-length ratio, and use of puns. Language appears irrelevant.
Note: Whoever snuck SCP-504 into the cafeteria kitchen is getting terminated. Those tomato slices are like ****ing shurikens. - Dr. Blast