Being a kid is great, because you can embarrass your parents as much as you want without feeling even slightly bad about it. Take a look at this hilarious list of embarrassing kid quotes to see what we mean. Compiled by Bored Panda, the list contains some of the funniest, the weirdest, and the most unexpected words to exit the mouths of children. It serves as a reminder that, even though growing up has its benefits, there's nothing quite as liberating as saying exactly what you think in a crowded place and letting somebody else apologize for you. Don't forget to vote for the funniest!
Friend's son, 5 years old, pointed at a Muslim women in the mall wearing full garb (including face) and shouted, "Mom, a ninja!"
On our way to watch my daughter play soccer, my son was asking me about how babies were made. So I told him all about the sperm and they egg and so on. He seemed to reflect deeply about what I had said. Get to soccer and we sit among all the other parents and he blurts out "Dad, is your sperm still inside me?" I almost fucking died.
Took my kids to see Puss and Boots, and when lights dimmed and Puss appeared on the screen, my middle son screamed, 'It's pussy time!' The whole theater was cracking up — I laughed so hard I cried.
My daughter once asked a black guy why he was made of chocolate. I was incredibly embarrassed. He thought it was hilarious.
When I was 5 or 6 we were at my Dad's company picnic. I was introduced to his boss and I told him, "My Daddy says you're a son of a bitch." My Dad's co-workers fed me ice cream all afternoon.
When my daughter was two and asking about the anatomical differences between herself and her baby brother, I taught her the proper terms and that women and girls had vaginas and vulvas and boys and men had penises and testicles. Whilst browsing through Kohl's that holiday season (store was PACKED), she loudly exclaimed as she pointed to ever stranger we passed "BOY! Penis and tentacles!" "GIRL! Gyyyyyynah and Volvo!" Lather rinse repeat. The kicker was the androgynous cashier. She asked "Boy or girl?". The cashier was a trooper and smiled "Girl, sweetie." Kid proudly screams back "Gyyyyynah and VOLVO!"
When I was pregnant with my youngest daughter we explained to my older daughter that mommy has a baby in her belly and daddy put it there. Well she always wants to be just like mommy so she started going around telling people she has a baby in her belly and her daddy put it there..... you can imagine the looks I got.
Three-year-old daughter Madeleine said very loudly in public toilets: ''Mummy, why do you have a beard on your bottom"
My three year old daughter will yell "LOOK DADDY! A GANGNAM STYLE!" whenever she see's an Asian man.
Daughter was rubbing my face with a small football earlier, she thought it was funny so I let her carry on. Later on we were in a restaurant when out of nowhere she gives it "I gave my daddy a ball massage before".
We didn't stay for dessert.
My son was feeling really badly about pooping his pants, so to make him feel better I told him that it happens to everyone, even mommy. The next day we walked in to daycare and told the lead teacher “Yesterday I pooped my pants, but mom said it was ok; it happens to her all the time.”
I was dating a guy back when my son was maybe 7-8 years old. I picked him up from the airport one night and brought my son with me. While we were driving home the three of us started playing the game "raise your hand if you've ever..." 5 minutes in, my son blurts out "raise your hand if you've ever clogged up the toilet with a big pile of poop like my mom did today".
My 4-year-old son felt the need to warn "old" people they will die ... he told a lady in the grocery, "Old people die ... and you don’t look so good"
I was the kid (sorry.) My mom is obese, and she always used to sigh, "I'm the fattest woman in the world," when she looked in the mirror. Being about four, I took this literally. One day we were in K-Mart, and I saw this REALLY huge woman in a mumu. I freaked out, pointing and yelling, "LOOK MOMMY! YOU'RE NOT THE FATTEST WOMAN IN THE WORLD, SHE IS!!"
My daughter is obsessed with body parts. Especially vaginas and penis' and she often asks strangers, "do you have a penis or a 'gina?"
That's not the awkward part.
She was sitting on her dad's lap at church and one of the old ladies who sits near us said, "Oh, you're sitting so nicely on your daddy's lap! You must really like your daddy being here!" (She said this because my husband works A LOT so it's very rare that he is actually able to come to church with us) my daughter said, "I'm not sitting on his lap. I'm sitting on his penis. Do you want to sit on my daddy's penis someone?"
When pregnant with our second child we told our first, three years old at the time, that mommy's belly was so big because there was a baby in there.
At a restaurant a couple days later a heavy-set woman walks by our table. Daughter shouts, "Look mom! That lady had a baby in her butt!"
When I was around 3 years old my dad told me that smoking was bad, and that only idiots smoke. A couple days later we walked past a smoking woman. I remembered what my dad had told me, and I said with the loudest voice possible:
"Dad, look at that idiot over there smoking cigarrettes!"
During my divorce, while the kids and I were at Walmart buying groceries, I put a bottle of wine in my cart and my daughter yells, “Oh, look, Mom’s sad again.”
My daughter at the tender age of 8 announced to a crowded room that when she grows up she wants to be a prostitute!
Turns out she meant prosecutor but, you know, it took a while
My 6-year-old daughter had her appendix out. When the stitches were removed, there was a catheter in her abdomen, sticking up. She looked down and proudly announced: “Goodbye appendix, hello penis!”
When I quit smoking, my 5-year-old at the time (she's 23 now) told her kindergarten teacher that she was so proud of me because I quit drugs.
"Look, Mommy, that police has handcuffs like the ones in your bedroom!"
After getting new Toy Story undies, my son yelled to the drive-through workers at Chick-fil-A, “I’ve gotta woody in my pants!”
When my kid was first learning to tell the difference between men and women, he liked to practice loudly, in public. One day we were sitting in a restaraunt, and he decided to review.
"Mom, you're a woman."
"Yes, sweetie, that's right!"
"And Papa's a man."
"Yes, right again."
"And she--" (pointing to an old lady sitting across the room from us) "she's a WITCH!". At the top of his lungs, of course.
There was long receiving line at a funeral, and my child blurted out, "Hurry up! I wanna see the dead body!"
My son (aged 3 at the time) asked me on a packed bus in central London: 'Mummy how does daddy put the seed in your tummy? I was pregnant at the time. His sister aged 3 answers ''mummy swallowed it' I almost died.
My, then two year old, being held by a woman who drew on her eyebrows, exclaimed “You have something on your face!” Followed by proudly wiping off one eyebrow, he said, “There I got it for ya!”
My friend was having a hard time getting her daughter to drink water. At lunch one day the little one loudly exclaimed that “drinking makes mummy happy”.
For amusement we would tie a hotdog to my 4-year-old sister's waist and the neighbor's dog would chase her around trying to get the hotdog and she would giggle and it was funny.
Well one day at the grocery store, as our neighbor is buying a pack of hotdogs my sister blurts out "ARE THOSE HOTDOGS FOR MY BUTT???" Lots of stares.
My mother and I were at Chili's with my son (who was about 6 or 7 at the time) and my mother and I split a margarita during dinner (a small one, not one of those fishbowl ones). After dessert, we get the bill and get up to leave, when my son suddenly starts BAWLING loudly. Alarmed, I squat down and ask, "what's the matter?!!" I'm thinking maybe he cut himself or is in pain or something horrible the way he is wailing like a hyperactive banshee. In between hysterical sobs he manages to screech, "I DONT WANT TO GET IN THE CAR WITH A DRUNK DRIVEEEEEEERRRR!!!! I DON'T WANT TO DIE!!!!!!" Literally everyone in the restaurant is either staring at me horrified or giving me the death eye. It was so embarrassing. I tried my best to soothe him and explain to him that it was ok, but he was just screaming"You're DRUUUUNKK!".
My ex husband once had to take my 3yr old daughter to the gents public toilets as he was on his own with her. She'd been making chocolate crispy cakes in nursery and one was in her bag in it's little plastic bag. During her wee in the gents cubicle she remembered this cake and how gooey it had been and pulled it out of her bag. In a piping voice she shrieked ''Look Daddy, its gone hard!!'' When he tried to shush her she tried again, ''But look Daddy, prod it like this, look its gone hard!''' He honestly thought he'd never make it out of the gents alive.
Was riding on a public bus and my five year old put her hand on a guy's shoulder in the seat front of us and said - "This man is very fat.”
When I was pregnant, I ended up having to take my three year old daughter to one of my OB appointments. My doctor had to do a vaginal exam to which my daughter replied loudly “Mommy, how come you show your ‘gina to EVERYONE!!??”
My cousin loved blackcurrant juice as a kid but couldn't pronounce it, he shouted 'MUMMY I WANT BLACK CUNT' repeatedly at my aunt in the supermarket
Not a parent, but when I was 4 my mom almost got in an accident on the freeway. She slammed on the horn and screamed "jackass" out the window all while flipping them the bird.
Fast Forward a couple weeks. We are leaving my grandparents house and my mom honks the horn as to say goodbye. I proceed to roll down my window and give them the finger, yelling "jackass" as we drove away.
So...I'm not a parent, but I was present for this. My entire family was out for dinner one night, and my sister, my niece, and I were waiting in line in the women's bathroom.
Sister and niece (who was 2) go into a stall together. I'm still in line with several other women, and I can hear sis and niece talking through niece go to the bathroom. I then hear sister say, "Ok, pull your underwear up while mommy pees now" and niece chirps up, "Mommy, I have a bagina!"
Giggle. Ok. Twitters go through the line of women. Kids say the darndest things!
A few seconds later, though, we all hear "Mommy! You have a BIG bagina!!"
Several women lost it, including myself. I've never seen my sister as red as she was when she came out of the stall.
Not a parent but I'm a full time nanny and used to work at a daycare. I was dating one of the dads (he was single and it was totally legit), and one morning, in front of the entire staff, his son asked me "why were you in daddy's bed this morning?". Pretty much horrifying.
Father taking his son to the bathroom in a restaurant when his son exclaims: “ARE WE GONNA GO SWORD FIGHT WITH OUR PEE PEES?!” Dad looked like he wanted to evaporate.
Took my 3 year old son to Disneyland, where we saw his hero Buzz Lightyear. Coincidentally he had just told me he had to "go potty," and I knew I had a matter of seconds to get him to a bathroom, because once a toddler tells you he has to go it means he is near bursting at the seams. I tried gently leading him away, but he started babbling about pushing Buzz's buttons so that he would start flying around. When he realized I was going to drag him the other direction, he started screaming, "Buzz! I want to touch you! Let me touch you!" This got a lot of startled looks. I hoisted him up and started carrying him away under my arm. He immediately wet his pants all over both of us and continued wailing, "Buzz! Let me touch you! I'll let you touch meeeee!" as dozens of tourists started in shock. Suffice to say I hid in the bathroom for a while.
My four-year-old son walked up to a little person at the airport and said " Well you're a funny little man, but I do like your hat". Before I had a chance to apologize - the man replied, "Thank you...and I like you!"
My wife and I were viewing property when on inspection of the view out of the back window I noted a tube track. I asked whether it was noisy but the women said that they hardly hear anything. Her little daughter said "That's not true mummy, that's why we are leaving!"
We were eating dinner at a restaurant and my 4 yr. old son holds his belly and loudly says, "Mommy, my tummy hurts. I think I'm going to start my period!"
We were waiting in line to check out a book from the library and there was a lady in front of us who had a blood stain on the back of her pants. I didn't even notice it at first, but my son was at eye level with the stain and said, "Look daddy, she pooped blood all over herself. That's nasty. She should wear a diaper."
Once we invited a couple from church over to our house for the first time, to watch a Bears game. At the time my son was 3 or 4, and would refer to the teams by their jersey color. Well, that day they were playing the Falcons, and the Bears were in white. A few minutes into the game, my son wanders up to me and quietly asks, 'Which one is Bears?' I told him it was the white team. To which he then shouts out, 'Yeah, we cheer for the white guys, because we don't like black guys, right, Dad?' I had to awkwardly say, 'Yes, the Falcons are wearing black, and today we do not like them because they're against the Bears.' Everyone laughed a bit, but there were some side glances.
When my daughter was young, think 2 or 3 year-old, she had apparently questioned her mother about the difference between boys and girls. I learned this fact as I arrived home from work. We lived in an apartment building at the time. As I was coming up the stairs and my neighbor was coming out of his apartment, my daughter popped her head out the door, saw my neighbor, and proudly declared, "My daddy has a penis!"
I had just started seeing this new guy and when he came over my five-year-old son answered the door and said I would be down in a sec because I was on the toilet wiping my butt.
I was at a Barnes and Noble with my son (he was 5 at the time) looking for a new book. My son has always been a talkative child and always said hello to people. While I am looking for a new book, I hear my son say hello to a man in a wheelchair. The man did not acknowledge my son and so my son repeated his greeting. The man remained silent. My son says hello and once again is ignored. My son sighs and tells me "well, I guess his ears don't work either".
My sister was about 5 and had just gotten to the stage where she's discovering things about her body. My mother explained that this is perfectly okay but needs to happen only at home like in the bedroom or bathroom.
Later that week my mom's out shopping with her and from across the store she hears my sister yell "Mo0o0om I'm touching my vagina! ............ Just kidding!"
My oldest son was 3-4, we were walking into a store together, and a very overweight woman was in front of us with a companion.
My son looks at me and asks "mama, is she going to fit through the door?" Loud enough that the woman heard him.
When I was a kid I had to get my urinary tract dilated. At church I prayed for my upcoming surgery, but four year old me was unclear on what exactly was going on so I just asked every one to pray "for my penis, because it is too small."
While working as a veterinary technician, there was a housewife that would always have her twins (boy & girl). At the time their kitty Aslan had just been fixed and we were doing a routine check up. When I went to take the temperature, the little boy turned to me and loudly announces that "we aren't supposed to touch kitties butts." Then he turned and saw his mom was distracted talking to the vet and then whispered to me "But, sometimes when my momma isn't looking... I do."
The priest stood up for the second time to speak at my grandson’s Christening yesterday and as he began to speak my 5 year old son yelled, “Oh no, not again”.
My little brother. He was like 4-5. We were at a SF Giants game and he had to use the bathroom. Walks up to the urinal and does his business. A rather larger black guy walks up next to him and starts to pee. He turns to me and yells, pretty damned loud, "WOAH!!! That's huge!!!"
My daughter Trisha was about 2 when I made her walk to the store... no stroller! So we get there, get our shopping done and at the register there comes a man in a wheelchair! Trisha looks at me and gets really mad and tells me: "That is so mean! I have to walk while he gets to drive!" Oh my I wanted to just disapear!
My daughter's only 1 but says some words. Sometimes, her dad and I grab each other's tummies and say "fat" or "fatty" in an affectionate way, and she looks. So the other day, some friends of my mom came over to visit and we went to a park. My daughter was playing but then came over and started saying "hello" to all the women. I guess one of them mentioned the word fat(I didn't hear it, but can't think of any other reason my daughter would've done that) so she walked over to her(coincidentally, she was the biggest one), pinched her on the leg, and said "fatty". I was so embarrassed, but everybody laughed, so obviously she kept doing it... Well, I picked her up so she would stop doing that, but she started crying "FAT, FATTYYY!" while pointing at my mom's friend.
We were at church and they called the young children to the front to talk about tithing and stealing and they asked, “If you found some money lying on the ground, what would you do?” My then four year old daughter replied, “Finders keepers, losers weepers.”
'Mommy, why did we take so long? Did you go poop, Mommy? Did you? Good girl for mommy, Yayyy!!!!' My son in a department store during his potty training phase. None of us could take a dump without him cheering us on.
My husband and I were walking through IKEA with my then 4 year old daughter, when she screams out excitedly, "look Daddy, look at all the ninjas!". It was a group of Muslim women wearing burqas.
My daughter's day care had circle time every morning as a way to start the day. Anyway we were late and walked into the middle of circle time. My daughter said "we're late because my Mommy had diarrhea".
My son was about 4 at the time, he walked up to an old man in the store and said "My mom says old people wear diapers like I did, do you still pee your pants too?"
In the toilets at a local supermarket. Mother Nature was paying her visit. My 4-year-old son came in the toilet with me ... Went running out of the toilet to announce to his grandma, and the rest of the supermarket, that 'My mummy has a piece of string hanging out of her bum.
My son is full of embarrassing stories. We told him about Santa not being real because he was terrified of Santa and cried night after night screaming that "The evil Santa pirate was going to come into his house and mess with his things." Being four, he didn't understand our warnings not to tell other children. At Chick-fil-A one day, a kid comes running out of the play area crying that some kid was telling them that Santa wasn't real. I rush in, aiming for damage control and hear my boy finishing his lecture: "Santa isn't real and Jesus isn't real. I AM JESUS!" Chick-fil-A asked us not to return. TDLR: I am apparently the lesbian mother of the second coming of Christ.
When my son Vadin was about six, we were waiting in the deli line at the grocery store. When our number was called he took the ticket, folded it in half, slid it into my cleavage, and said, "Go get yourself something nice."
A lady got onto our bus with a young toddler in tow, the next stop an obviously pregnant woman got on, a very excited young lad pointed at the lady and shouted " Mummy, mummy I know what she's been doing"
I am not a parent, but one parent was pretty embarrassed when her 4-year-old son asked my sister, "Why is there poop on your face?"
My sister (and I) are black. There aren't many of us in this town.
I was with my five year old son in the middle of a crowded Apple Store, waiting to get my iphone worked on. Out of nowhere, he grabs my crotch and says "MOMMY!! Your pee pee is all wet!". I think I was a little sweaty from wearing a warm jacket and being in a crowded hot store at the mall. Needless to say, everyone in my immediate vacinity turned around and stared
When my daughter was about 5 and the cashier was talking to her but had a mole with hair coming out of it. I had seen it and thought in my head 'please don't say anything...please don't say anything'. Too late. She just went "Did you know there's whiskers coming out of that booger on your face?"
My daughter when she was 3 looked straight at some random man in Target & said "I have a vagina!"
Visiting a neighbor with my 3yr old daughter, identical houses to which my daughter said ' it's just the same as our house mummy only ours doesn't smell '
Not my kid but the daughter of a good single mom friend once went to a guy their mother was heavily flirting with at a party and whispered to him that their mom farts a lot during the sleep and it smells like rotten camembert.
As I am taking my son, 3 or 4 at the time, out of the shopping cart as we leave Walmart, he starts yelling, "No, mister, No! Don't take me!" I'm glad my wife was there and he looks just like me.
Son loudly in public toilet: "I did-a-wees with my winky! You doing-a-wees with your winky mummy?" "No, I don't have one -" "OH NO!!!!! DID YOU LOSE IT?????????" He sounded so horrified for me, and there was a lot of giggling from the surrounding stalls.
When I was 4, my mom and I were waiting at the local coffee shop. In front us in line was a man with long hair down his back. In awe, I look to my mother and proclaim, "That man has really long hair!." To which she replies, "Yes, just like mommy." The man over hears this conversation and turns and smiles at me. I then tell the man "My mommy has long hair too, but she doesn't have a penis."
My friends 4 year old daughter Lily and my friend were in the supermarket together with Lily sitting in the front of the trolley. As my friend was pushing her down one of the aisles she hears Lily exclaim loudly "Oh My God Mum look at that man! He is soooo cute!!!" My friend turns around to see a small person, or midget standing looking at them in surprise. My friend is horrified and whispers angrily "Lily!!! Shhhh!!" and tries to rush off. As they pass the man Lily hangs out of the shopping cart and yells to him "You are so CUTE!! Do you want to come to my birthday party?!???"
My son (3 yrs) and i where at the bank when a young girl walked in. she was a had obviously been to the gym due to her tight fitted hot pink spandex attire and had quite round features and un upturned button nose. my son started clapping and screaming "Look mummy a pig oink oink a big pink pig oink oink." I felt terrible! i appologised and quicky exited the very busy bank
My 2 year old son went through a stage of pronouncing chocolate "cock cock". In Sainsbury's he ran around screaming "I want cock cock, I WANT COCK COCK!!!" at the top of his voice.
We were all sitting around the dinner table when my 6 year old sister (at the time) asked "Dad, are you a virgin?"
My nephew is 6 and at the grocery store the other day he kept counting out loud. He would yell "SIX... SEVEN... EIGHT!" Finally I asked, "what are you doing?" And he yelled "COUNTING BROWN PEOPLE."
I once dated a girl with a 5 year old daughter. We took her to Walmart to pick out her stocking. The aisle was super crowded and she took forever. When she found her stocking she squeeled "ALRIGHT, NOW LET'S GO GET SOME HOOKERS!" ... Turns out she meant the little weighted ornaments you hang the stocking from.
Passed by a middle-eastern man in Walmart complete with a turban and other stereotypical robes...
My son: "Daddy, is that a genie?!?!"
My son at about three years old was fascinated my the uvula in my throat. He thought it looked like a "pee pee". So one day we are out and he yells, "my mommy has a pee pee in her mouth!!"
It was date night, just my 4 year old daughter and I. We went out for a 'fancy' dinner at a nice restaurant. She told me during dinner "Are you going to be able to walk or am I going to have to roll you out of here?"
While getting communion, I was holding my two year old daughter. After I received communion my daughter promptly said, “Where’s my damn cookie?”
My daughter was standing up for show and tell in front of her kinder class. She didn't show her beanie baby that she'd brought...oh no! This is what occurred..
"Okay Hannah what is your show and tell item?"
"Mrs Tetley when my mom woke up this morning she was in a goddamned pool of blood and there was so much it was on my Daddy's leg. He said it was like a goddamn blood bath".
My daughter, 4 at the time was riding her balance bike down a hill and was unable to stop at the bottom. She ran into a small wall and began to scream, "OW MY NUTSACK, I HIT MY NUTSACK". She had heard it from her older brother. This was during a local kite festival so there were plenty of parent s and children around to give us the stink eye. I laughed my ass off, my wife was not as happy.
I was standing in line at the grocery store behind a mother and her waist high child. The child decided to hug the mother, putting child's face into groin of mother. The child reared back and exclaimed "MOM! YOUR FRONT BUTT STINKS!" The whole grocery store nearly screeched to a halt as the mother paid quickly and left.
I was renting a movie at the video store and was asking the checker when I need to return it when my little girl said "We're just gonna copy it anyway."
We were in an elevator at a hotel going to the pool. It was me, my 5-year-old son, a teenage boy, and his dad. Suddenly, my son announces, “My mom isn’t usually half naked, we’re going swimming.”
While discussing the 10 Commandments at Vacation Bible School (!), comparing "God's Rules" with rules the kids might have at home, my oldest -- then about 7 -- spouted: AT MY HOUSE, YOU DON'T DRINK FROM MOM'S CUP OF SODA WHEN IT HAS LIQUOR IN IT!
My friend let his his daughter go in the front when no one else is in the car as a treat and she announced in public! "When me and daddy are in the car alone we do a secret thing"
My daughter asking (very loudly), "Daddy, why did the white lady and the black man not make a tan baby?"
Standing directly in front of us with their white-as-snow baby.
My daughter was about 3 when we were attending a wedding out of town. I was running a business at the time, so she was in her dad's care in the morning. She arrived at my business dressed in her cute little outfit for the wedding. After doing her hair we set off for the wedding. Just as the bride and groom were walking back down the aisle after the ceremony, my daughter, who was standing on the pew next to me so she could see, loudly announced "Mommy, I'm not wearing any panties!!".
We were at the store and my son (then about three) pointed at the sanitary napkins and shouted, "LOOK! It's your MOMMY DIAPERS! You need those, don't you?!"
During a quiet moment in church my kid randomly blurted out ‘Did you know aliens don’t have penises.
Apparently when I was young, for a few days, my preferred greeting to strangers was : "hi! My name is kevin and that's my mom Nancy. Her pants size is 3XL"
We were at my grandpa's 80th birthday dinner two weeks ago. My aunt and uncle were talking to my 6-year-old daughter about how my uncle and grandpa have no hair on their heads. My daughter proudly and loudly announced, 'Well, my mommy has hair on her bottom
At a Halloween party a few years ago everyone was talking about nicknames and, for some reason, my son told everyone tat my nickname was "Sugartits".
One time while in the fitting room, I overheard a little boy say, quite loudly, “Mommy, are you buying this new swimsuit because you poop-farted in your one last year?”
My daughter once yelled out “I LOVE VAGINA” as loud as possible in a Walmart. Too bad she was actually referring to LASAGNA – which is what we were having for dinner.
“My mommy has a baby in her tummy and when it finds the hole, it’s going to come out!”
My son informed my mother in law that my husband hid from her when he saw her at Whole Foods.
My daughter was 2 years old and told the cashier at the grocery store; "Sometimes daddy pulls on mommy's nightgown and mommy says 'no'."
I made eye contact with a barefoot baby held by the mother in a grocery store. I said to my 6 yr old son in a normal voice, "I could just eat up those toes". He then yells out, "My mom wants to eat your baby!".
"I'm so hungry, I could eat the baby Jesus!" ~4 year old boy in church on Christmas.
On holiday with mine in the pool... children's dad was pretending to be a dragon and chasing us all. He dunked me, obviously, so I told him to stop being ridiculous. When he then chased my daughter, she screamed at the top of her lungs, 'Stop it! You dickless dragon...'
'Mommy, look at that giant cock!' Ikea with my two year old who had problems with the L sound.
When one of my cousins was 2 he loved blue berries but he couldn't say it right. So every time he asked for some he would say "I want some boobies!"
I'm an American living in the UK. I flew back to the US with my nearly 3-year old daughter in March. We ended up flying all over the damned US to see family because apparently no one else knows how to buy a plane ticket. I digress. As the three quarters full flight from Detroit into Cedar Rapids was about to take off, I look over at my daughter and she's got her shirt over her head. In my usual Mom voice I ask her what she's doing. She proceeds to scream, "I'M PLAYING WITH MY NIPPLES!"
My daughter to my mother in a busy clothing store: Gramma, your teeth are such a pretty yellow!
From my lovely three-year old:
When he was about 2.5, I took him shopping with me and a friend at a mall. She wanted to go into Victoria's Secret to look at some sweatpants. We went in with her, and I was walking around with him. Well, they have mannequins modeling their different styles of underwear. When he saw one, my son got really excited and starting shouting: "A BUTT! LOOK MOMMY!! LOOK? DO YOU SEE IT?!?! A BUTT!!!!! A BUTT!!!" in that loud excited voice that toddlers tend to have.
I have 2. At the age of 1.5, upon seeing his first dwarf/midget/small person, my son made clicking sounds as if calling a dog and slapped his knees saying, "Come here little daddy."
Monday morning, preschool teacher asks my daughter "Did you have a fun weekend?" My daughter plays shy so I say "Tell her where we went this weekend," thinking she'll tell the teacher about our trip to the playground. Daughter's answer "We went on a beer run!"
My half Korean niece loved Elton John's song Honky Cat when she was about 4. One day in the grocery, she was singing Honky Cat. Then she began pointing at random white people and saying "hey, Honky!"
My friend's 4 year old interrupted mom's book club to ask if he could "go upstairs and powder his balls."
“Mom, please don’t sell me on Craigslist! I’ll be good.”
I had taken my charges to the zoo a few years back on Valentine's Day. My oldest charge was 6 at the time, and sparked this conversation with me:
Kid: "The snow leopard is sad."
Me: "Oh, why's that?"
Kid: "Well, she doesn't have a boyfriend."
Me: "How come?"
Kid: "She has big feet. Boys don't like girls who have big feet.
Then he proceeds to look down at my feet, looks up at me and says, "Brittany, is that why you don't have a boyfriend?"
My brother once asked my mom why a lady's stomach was so big. She answered it was because the lady was pregnant. Loudly, my brother asked the follow-up question, "Is that why her butt's so big, too?!"
When my son was a toddler, and first learned that boys have a penis and girls have a vagina, he felt the need to constantly confirm people's genital status. He would ask me "Does she have a vagina?" ,"Does he have a penis?" for every person he saw when we were out and about. That was fairly manageable. But then, he mastered it, and he didn't ask anymore, he labeled. As we grocery shopped, he pointed and loudly announced "penis!" and "vagina!" at every retiree in the commissary that morning.
I was at a store when a toddler was asking her mother for something. The mother was very agitated at the toddler and the toddler blurted out “Mommy needs more wine!”
My son, then five, was on his first soccer team. The color of the team was blue. The coach and the team gather around to choose a name. “Any ideas?”, the coach asks. My son yells out “Blue balls!”
My daughter was in the trolley at the supermarket when she was little. As we going along, she told me to stop. I did and at the top of her voice she said "mummy you nearly forget your wine!"
My son brought the phone to the toilet door and I shouted I was busy. "Sorry she'll phone you back, she's doing a big poo."
My daughter informed the waitstaff at the restaurant that she had "nipples" all over her body. She had goose bumps.
Picking up milk from the dairy. The women thought my son was an adorable toddler and lavished him with affection and praise. The smiling ladies all in a row waving "bye bye, bye bye" with their best sweet toddler voices. Just as we reached the door to leave my son turns with a smile and his toddler wave and yells, "Bye bye dumb broads!"
"Mom, did you make a baby with that man today?"
We were on a city bus, sitting next to two elderly women. My 3-year-old chose that moment to announce loudly, “I’m not supposed to play with myself in the bathtub. I need to wait ‘til I’m in my bedroom aaaaaall alone!”
When Disney bought out the film The Hunchback of Notre Dame my daughter was about 4 or 5 and she loved it..she had the little figures and books and toys...we were in out local supermarket and my daughter had run infront to look at the toys in the next Aisle ..like she always did....She shouted at the top of her little voice..."MOM...QUASIMODO IS ROUND HERE." i said hang on chick im coming....wondering how much this toy wa going to cost me...i walked into the next aisle and there was a Lovely Gentleman with a Curved Spine...!!!!! OMFG....i could not apologise enough...i dragged my daughter out of the shop pretty quick smart.
Meeting our new next door neighbour for the first time, my 5 year old son said while introducing himself 'Hi, my name is James and this is my daddy who has just had a big stinky poo in the toilet upstairs and it won't flush away'.
Once in a grocery store in cash register line a little boy asked his mother loudly why was she kissing daddy's penis yesterday...
Frankfurt. Airport. We just missed our connection from Washington, D.C. to Odessa, Ukraine. That was the last plane to Ukraine for that day. I am begging the agent at the Lufthansa counter to think of something and point to my then six years old son: "Please, I am traveling with a small child!" And as on a cue, gazing at the agent, my sons gives a thundering sneeze and lets out in a clear as a bell voice: "Mom, during World War II were the Germans bad guys or good guys?"
When getting in grocery carts or car seats, my boys have each shouted out, "Mom, you are smashing my peanuts!"
I was trying to get my kids to smile for pictures at the photo studio so I said “chocolate pickles!” My 6-year-old son grinned and yelled back “Chocolate boobies!”
My son pointed at a guy playing basketball, who had a prosthetic leg, and shouted, "Look mom! He's a cyborg!"
My 3-year-old daughter was out with her grandma, and the lady in front of them in line was writing a check without ID and generally being irritating. At the top of her lungs, she sighs and says, "Grandma, this is taking FOREVER. It takes daddy less time to poop and he's in there long enough to play a world of Angry Birds!"
After a hectic morning of my 3-year-old bugging my husband while he showers, I took them to the dentist. When the dentist asked, 'How are you today?' My little guy sighs and replies (at top volume), 'Not good. I just hate daddy's penis hair!' My husband is now in search of a new dentist.
My mate as a 6-7yr old kid use to run around telling all the adults ” My daddy touches me” or “Me and daddy have a secret”
Teasing my children while waiting for their dad to pop into Tesco, saying daddy's coming pointing at random people and they were giggling saying no that's not daddy. When their dad came they giggled saying daddy's coming so I said that's not daddy. When he opened the car door my daughter shouted at the top of her lungs in a busy car park "Daddy, mummy doesn't think you're our dad!!!" Absolutely mortified!
When my younger brother was quite little, he could not say truck properly and would say f#%k instead. It was always funny when a fire truck would drive by cause he got all excited about the fire f#%ks. But I think my mom was the most mortified during a trip to Toys R Us, each of us kids had a few bucks to spend and my mom asked us what we wanted look at when we walked in the door. My brother excitedly announced that he wanted a f#%k.
We were in a nice restuarant my son had to go to the bathroom so I took him, he sang to me as he pooped about his poop. "Mommy, I'm pooping, I'm pooping. Look at me I'm pooping. Oh it's a big one... Oh and it stinks..." or something along those lines, he was about 4 at the time, the other three women in the restroom at thet time left in a fit of giggles.
My son is curious about whether I'm pee'ing or pooping. We were at a restuarant enjoying ourselves when I sneaked out for a smoke. I told my son I was going to the bathroom. Once I get half way across the restaurant, I hear "Daddy! Pee or Poop?". Naturally I just kept walking, pretending like he wasn't mine
When I was like four, my mother had to get a colonoscopy, and afterward we went to the grocery store. Someone she knew came up and started chatting with my mother and I just decided to blurt out "MY MOM HAS BUTT PROBLEMS!" I'm pretty sure she just wanted to melt into the floor and disappear.
When my daughter was 3 she told the checkout lady at the video store that she was going to grow a penis just like her daddy when she got older.
My son was about 2 when we went to church one Sunday...the bag for collection came around...he threw his coins in,and just as my hubby wanted to pass the bag on, he stopped his daddy, stuck his hand in the bag again and said out loud" Got to get me some Change".... I nearly died and the whole congregation bursted out laughing.
My oldest daughter who is now just over 4 now was about 3 1/2 when we made a trip to walmart. I had to grab body wash which is right by the pickup window for the pharmacy (and there just happened to be a very long line of people) I handed her the body wash and she says "is this to wash your stinky butt?" And if that wasnt bad enough, the ky and condoms are right beside that and she grabs a box of ky and says "look mommy, its the slippy stuff that you and daddy have beside your bed".
An old woman wearing an eye patch walked into a quiet restaurant and my tree-year-old son jumped up and yelled "LOOK IT'S A PIRATE! JUST LIKE JAKE AND CAPTAIN HOOK!"
I was in line at a family party. The kid in front of me yelled mom I want a beer!
He meant root beer she told us. Quite few times.
We were at a school function for my oldest son who was in the fourth grade. his mom was with him and i was charged with the younger two boys - aged 5 and 4. as i and my charges sat down at a bench table in the cafeteria, a woman with a young boy sat down across from us. taking one look at the other boy, my 4 year old smacked me on the arm and blurted out - "How come i had to take a bath to come here when He didnt?"
I was young (three or four) with my aunt at the grocery store. We passed a young girl my age and her mom. The young girl was crying and I said "Don't worry, one day your boobies and my penis will grow like our parents!"
Playing with my daughter when she was six and singing Little Bunny Foo-Foo… After a minute she stopped and said “wow, that Bunny Foo-Foo is a real b****!”
Walking through a department store lingerie department and my then 5 year old bellows, “Mama, why are you looking at panties? You don’t wear those!”
My son telling a random stranger with a dog , “You know what my dog does? He humps me.”
Younger daughter to older daughter
Yd: is she a girl (woman at cash register)
Od: yes! Ssh!
Yd: then why doesn't she have any boobs???
4 year old son, loudly to me in a crowded deli: mommy, please get your vagina out of my face!
When my daughter was very young, we were at the store buying tampons amongst other things. My daughter points to the tampons and quite loudly informed the cashier that "my Mommy needs those 'cause her vagina is bleeding"
I was in Thorntons one Christmas and my then three-year-old asked for 'a black man lolly.
He meant a milk chocolate lolly of Santa instead of a white chocolate one. I nearly died.
When I was getting my contraceptive pill my daughter Maddie asked what the tablet was for and I told her it was to stop me having babies as me and Daddy didn't want any more.
Maddie piped up: "I want a sister, stop taking it and trick Daddy." I wanted the floor to swallow me up
Apparently when I was about 3 years old I told my grandparents that "mammy & daddy were doing their exercises in bed this morning!"
My friends home was crowded with family down for a wedding so sleeping arrangements were chaos. Still my friend thought she'd organised it well until her 5yr olds teacher (and family friend) rang and, trying not to laugh, said that her son instead of giving his planned show and tell said 'When I got up this morning my uncle was in mummy's bed and making lots of noise' (he is a large man who snores loudly). He forgot to add that his mummy and daddy were asleep on the fold up bed downstairs. Luckily the teacher was able to explain to the reading aid mothers in the classroom before my friends reputation was totally destroyed.
When my daughter was in the infant school, I remember putting her teacher right about something she had written in her diary. "I take no notice", she said,."I've heard it all, especially when they write that while their daddy was away at work, an uncle came to visit mummy"
We were getting dressed after swimming in a family changing room. As I bent down to get something out of the bag to put on, my youngest said 'mummy why are your boobs SO long'
My little boy - 4 at the time decided to tell the in-laws over Sunday dinner that daddy's winkie looks like a sausage with a strawberry on the end...
My sister happily announced one day 'mommy takes daddy to work in the morning and then brings another man home'. We often gave one of his colleagues a lift home from his night shift if we saw him after dropping off my father! Not quite what it sounded like!
When a family friend had new neighbors moving in down the street, they went over to greet them. He was talking to the guy and his son (like 5 at the time) rolls over on his big wheel and with his arms fully extended says, "My daddy's penis is this big!" And rode away.
My family is pretty religious. Anyways, when I was about 4 my mom brought me to the bank and put my up on the teller counter while looking through her purse. I looked at the lady and allegedly yelled "MOM, I THOUGHT YOU SAID JESUS DOESN'T MAKE UGLY PEOPLE"
My sons and I were at a local pool one day when my oldest who was 3 at the time joyfully yelled to a friend, "Mommy is going to have a baby come out of her big hairy butt!".
Taking my nephew to a public restroom the other day ( he's not quite three) and he loudly said, "now I have to take out my penis!"
One time at a park, my son spied what appeared to be a biracial brother and sister sitting at a nearby table. He yelled "Hey, black and white kids, wanna play?"
Not my child, but she was with my son and me. The children were four years old. I took them to eat breakfast at McDonald's before preschool. There was a fly and I kept shooing it away. Audrey started talking about how much she hated flies. "And do you know what I REALLY HATE, Miss Kathy? I hate when a fly flies into my VAGINA".
Eating in a restaurant with my family and there's a large woman sitting on her own a few tables away, who has some grey hairs growing on her chin. My daughter (4 years old) is glancing over at her very regularly and I'm just waiting for the comment.
Finally she says, very loudly - "Daddy, is that man an ogre?"
We were at a camp-out, and my son, who was two or three at the time, loudly said, "Good night, sleep tight, don't let anyone touch your penis!"
I guess I did not have great bathroom boundaries with my daughter. While in a shopping cart, checking out, sucking on a lollipop, my daughter pulls the lollipop out of her mouth and tells the person bagging the groceries: "Sometimes my mommy pees red." She said it like I was a superhero.
In a public restroom — of course — my son asked, 'Mommy, why are you peeing out of your butt?'"
When my son was about 2, whenever he had chocolate, he'd wear more than he ate lol so I'd get a baby wipe and say, "Come on, let's see if we can find the pink boy under all that brown!" Well...We're sat in the doctors one day when a really sweet Indian family walks in with a little girl and what does my son say? "Mummy, can you find the pink girl under all that brown!" I nearly DIED!
My four year old brother to a rather heavyset catholic priest: You're very fat! I think you're going to have a baby
In a public toilet.... with a queue of a gazillon people waiting, my 3 yo announces at the top of her lungs, as a 3 yo does... "My gosh Mummy, your bottom is sooooooo big, it takes up the whole hole!". Just held my head high as we left to the giggles (& empathy of every other mum in the queue!)
You just reminded me the other day when my 5 year old son announced to the entire Burger King. GIRLS HAVE CHINAS AND BOYS AND HAVE A PENIS
We were walking through a farmer's market with my daughter who was a toddler at the time, when she suddenly got very excited and started running. She ran up behind a really large woman wearing a black and white "moo-moo" and started yelling "MOOOOOOOOO! MOOOOOOO!" Wanted to die.
Happened a couple weeks ago. My wife, daughter (4), and I were riding an escalator up at Nordstrom's. My wife somehow tripped and muttered, shit! My daughter sees the children's section and beelines, screaming SHIT I WANT SOME SHOES MOM! SHIT SHIT SHIT!
Something I did when I was about 4 or 5... My aunt had taken me into the restroom, and told me to stand in front of her stall so she could see my feet. I don't remember this, but apparently I said "Hey, Diane! A fat lady just walked in!" She told me to shh, but I just replied "But, she's REALLY fat." Poor lady...
I am a woman who met my ex when she was pregnant with my son--his biological father has always been a pretty bad element in our lives. On one of my visit days with my son, we went to Hobby Lobby, a pretty Christian establishment that has an awesome selection of model cars. I had bought my son a Big Gulp and he of course downed it and needed to pee. When he goes, it takes forever because he for some odd reason disrobes in order to pee. After 15 minutes we finally finished and headed to checkout, and he starts whining about needing to pee again. I tell him to wait until we finish checking out and he yells, "It's okay, I'll just pee in this cup!" As I'm trying to stop this, the uber-Southern Christian checkout lady laughs and says, "His daddy must be a trucker." My son looks her square in the eye and says, "No, my Daddy's an asshole." As I try to provide damage control, I blurt out, "No, his other mother taught him that!" She fixed me with a death stare. I never returned to Hobby Lobby.
My 3 year old recently asked "Mommy, Let me see your penis!" while we were outside in our front yard. As per proper protocol of not divulging more information than required, I responded with "Mommy doesn't have a penis." Unfortunately, he was not happy with that response and began chanting to see my penis and tried to physically pull my pants down to look. Thank goodness for maternity pants and being 9 months pregnant at the time to block his access!
Not my own child, but my sister. My entire family was at the airport going somewhere for the holidays. My younger sister, who was about 5 or so at the time, had never been outside of the Northeast United States, and as a result, hasn't really been exposed to many people who weren't white. So we were just waiting by the bathrooms at the airport when suddenly an African-American security guard walks by. My sister decides this is the opportune time to shout at the top of her little-kid lungs, "COOL, A BLACK GUY! WELL IT IS ALMOST MARTIN LUTHER KING DAY!" Apparently they had been learning about black history in school. My parents immediately began freaking out, apologizing to the security guard. He just smiled and walked away.
This wasn't my sister's last "incident", however. A few weeks later she decided to point out a "little person" at the grocery store. By exclaiming "Hey, look mom! A troll!" My parents stopped taking her out in public after that...
My friends daughter walked in on her changing her pad in the bathroom. Later that day they're in the check out line & the daughter yells "MY MOMMY'S PEE PEE IS ALL BLOODY!" She left the cart & they went straight to the car.
I was not there but my wife and my daughter when she was about 4 were in a book store. this was the mid 90s and I had a lot of those For Dummies books around looking into emerging technologies and on display at the store was a Sex For Dummies book. The kid says, "Look Mommy, Daddy has that book."
One time, in the middle pf a store, my six-year-old blurted out, "I WANT TO BE A POLE DANCER!"
When I was young around 4 or 5, my family took a trip to Yellowstone park. We went to go see the geyser old faithful, and me being the excited youngster that I was yelled at the top of my lungs, "SHE'S GONNA BLOW BABBY!". My parents quickly left after that.
My three-year-old to my wife, loudly, in a busy restroom: "Mommy, your underwear looks like a cheetah!"
In church, right at the elevation of the Host, my then four year old yelled, “Mom, did you know a cat’s butt is called an ANUS?”
My nine year old daughter said “Dad, Mom said I’m like you. I don’t have any common sense. Is that true?”
During the Lord’s prayer my daughter clearly tells everyone, “Thy will be DUMB”.
Friend's child announced to the restaurant, "drinking Coke, makes you bleed from your penis."
When she was three, our eldest daughter proudly announced in her proudest, loudest voice "My granddad can cough from both ends at the same time." This was in church during a moment of silence.
When I was about 4, I must have had some kind of infection or itch down there, and one morning at breakfast my dad's coworker came in to pick my dad up for work. I said, 'Hi, Don, my vagina hurts!' and he politely ignored me, but I kept saying it over and over and over. 'Don, can you
hear me? My vagina hurts!' Guess I just wanted some acknowledgement, but my parents just wanted to die. The poor guy was doing his best to pay no attention to me, but I was making it pretty difficult.
My 3 yr old son said "oh mom I love your hairy penis!!"
'We wipe front to back mama, because you don't want to get poop in your bagina!'
After watching 'Austin Powers' one night, I took her out to dinner. She saw a short person and yelled out "Look Mama!! There's a midget! They smell like cabbage!!" I hung my head to try to hide my laughter and get my composure then said to the crowd staring..."Sorry, we just watched 'Austin Powers'" then asked for a booth...in the very back....
We were standing in the elevator and my daughter pointed to a lady and said: "mommy who is that crazy lady?"
For about a month after my daughter was born, my son(who was 3.5 years old) would introduce us by saying "This is my mommy, and this is my daddy, and this is my baby sister. She drinks BREAST MILK FROM MOMMY'S BOOBIES. HAHAHAHAHAHA!"
When my daughter was in elementary school, I would wait until she went to bed to watch R-rated movies. She said, in mixed company, that mommy "watches adult movies after I go to bed."
When my daughter was 6, she and I were in line at a gas station in a rough neighborhood. There were others in line you wouldn't be inclined to fuck with, I'll just put it that way. Britney Spears "I'm not a girl, not yet a woman" came on the radio behind the counter. My daughter blurted out "Dad! It's your song!" All I could do was look at everyone staring at me like "no, it's really not." I laughed about it so fucking hard once we got in the car....with the doors locked.
In an overly crowded, quiet elevator, my son, who was four at the time, asked an old lady who was smiling at him, 'What are you looking at, weirdo!?'
My son was in the van at the Walmart parking lot. I was taking him out when I pushed the buckle down and yelled, "OW! MY PENIS!"
I told him I was sorry if that hurt and before I could tell him to keep his voice down he says, "That's okay Dad. Sometimes you're just going to hurt my penis."
My three year old asks people who walk by if they need to poop. Sigh.
The first time I recall being outed by one of my children was when my son was about 3. While in the checkout line at the grocery store, he looked at cashier and nonchalantly said, “My mommy walks around naked.” As if it made perfect sense in the context of buying juice boxes.
Mom waits in line at the bank with her unruly young son and tells him if he doesn't behave he won't get ice cream later. Son replies "If we don't get ice cream I'll tell grandma I saw you kissing daddy's pee pee." Mom and son leave the bank in a hurry.
When I was 8 my hamster died. I cried, but wanted to have a new one. My grandmother said: "Don't buy a new hamster. He will die in a few years and you'll be sad." I answered: "You are old and will die in a few years! So I don't want to see you anymore, because I could be sad too."
In an attempt to stop my 5 yr old daughter from biting her nails, I told her she would get fat if she kept doing it. Later on the bus avery pregnant woman got on and my daughter called out "I know what you've been doing!"
While walking down the street once, behind a man with two of those metal prosthetic legs, my three year old went screaming up behind him saying "Mommy it's a transformer"
I often let my three year old son win the games we played. But a hard lesson in life is that things don't always go your way. So one day I decided to win. This experience clearly affected him. Later on, while we browsed the aisles of a crowded supermarket, he suddenly shouted really loudly: "Don't beat me mummy. Don't beat me!"
My son was 2 and as a Sikh gentleman with a long white beard walked past us he yelled "Mommy! Did you see that man?!" Cringing I said yes. He then yelled "His beard is BEAUTIFUL!" I heard the man giggling from the next aisle over.
While walking to the corner shop with my 4yr old son, he spotted a woman nearby and asked me at full volume 'mummy what's that man doing?' As I hastened him away I explained that women can have short hair and men long hair (the woman in question had very short hair). Not too embarrassing I thought, until the following week walking to the same shop we crossed paths with the same woman and my son yelled 'look mum it's that man again!'
We went on a cruise to Alaska, with my daughter who was 3 at the time. The boat was filled with large people.
We've been in the boat less than an hour, and I get into an elevator with my daughter and her eyes shoot wide open as she scans around the elevator. She tugs on my hand. "Daddy!" I know what she's going to say. "Not now sweetie." "Daddy!". "Ask me when we get out, ok honey?". "DADDY".
By this point everyone is staring at her urging her to talk. So she yells out for everyone to hear "Daddy! What are there sooooo many FAT people?" The remainder of the ride was awkward.
My 8 year old climbed up on the base platform for a mannequin at a department store then proceeded to look me in the eye. I was quivering with fear for what he would do next. I learned how warranted my fear was when his hand slowly presses against the boob on the mannequin and slowly a smirk paints itself onto his face. His exact words, "I'm not supposed to touch this."
My daughter does this out shopping all the time. She flips her shirt over her face and then says "I the booby ghost! oooooh"
My wife & I with our 7 yr. old in a Chinese restaurant. My wife ordered & reminded the waitress she was allergic to coconut. I ordered and reminded the waitress I was allergic to mushrooms. My son ordered & decided to sum up all of our allergies including his - "she will have no coconut, he will have no mushrooms, and I will have no cat"!
A friend's kid pointed at an old lady in the grocery store and shouted "she's gonna die soon!"
At a crowded restaurant in my small, conservative hometown with my then 3-year-old, he dropped his fork and yelled "SON OF A BITCH" and everyone turned to stare at the bad parents.