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Sarcasm is a prevalent trait in British humor. It often pokes fun at the absurdity of life, some of which may come across as mildly insulting. Usually expressed through light banter and comical insults, it is generally relatable enough to draw some laughs.
Here are some screenshots of posts as examples. These are from the British Tweets Facebook page, a collection of jokes, dry wit, and puns that hit home for people in the UK. But even if you’re not from that side of the world, you may nonetheless find amusement in these.
Enjoy scrolling through!
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
Emma Miller 11 months ago
I worked for this hotel chain! Had them all at one point as every hotel had a different one :)
UKGrandad 11 months ago
'Quackers', Glix; 'quakers' are a religious group.
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Hmmm hmmmm 11 months ago
Looks like it's from Alex hotel chain , there's 8 across the UK. So guess where I'm going in January
Ru Bee 11 months ago (edited)
It's Apex... Different coloured duck in each hotel with a different name. I think there's about 8 in the chain just Google apex ducks ☺️
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Albert Swarthout 1 month ago
He’s walleyed! He couldn’t POSSIBLY survive on his own in the wild! You HAVE to take him. ;)
RELATED:
#2
arthbach 11 months ago
Kylie, we lived in Wales, and went on holiday to Cambridge. The water there tasted awful! We had to resort to buying juice to mix in with the water to make it palatable.
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Renee H. 11 months ago
Thank you!!!! People think I'm crazy when I say this. I hate the water that comes out of my tap. Also I cant drink certain bottled waters. They actually dry out my mouth believe it or not.
Kira Okah 11 months ago
Oh, you don't have to glug water religiously to know that. At my dad's house the tap water from the bathroom was way nicer than the kitchen, different bottled waters taste different, hard water vs soft water, spring vs mineral.
Bill 11 months ago (edited)
There is a company in town that bottles water. The tap is filtered but they fill bottles for every brand you can think of. Evian spelled backwards is naive. But yes our tap water tastes different than the next town over.
The Scout 11 months ago
Actually one of the reasons water is so heavily processed by bottling companies is to make it NOT taste different then the one the next town over.
Load More Replies... Herringbone 11 months ago
Yes, they are the ones who think that putting your tap water through a SodaStream makes it into Perrier. I know people like that.
Load More Replies... Dawn Marie 11 months ago
I could never get my Mom to understand this!!! Besides: Water dries out my mouth something awful!!
#3
Papa 11 months ago
I've been drinking Dr Pepper for over 50 years, but if suddenly the only way it was available was in plastic bottles I'd never drink another one.
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American humor is likely more familiar to many, thanks to Hollywood and sitcoms. To better understand British humor, famed comedian Ricky Gervais wrote an article in Time Magazine in 2011.
One observation he pointed out was that Americans are more reserved in their use of irony, while fellow Brits “use it liberally as prepositions in everyday speech.”
“We tease our friends. We use sarcasm as a shield and a weapon. We avoid sincerity until it’s absolutely necessary,” Gervais wrote.
#4
JoRo 11 months ago
Welcome to jokes. Definition: A thing that someone says to cause amusement or laughter, especially a story with a funny punchline.
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Tobias Reaper 11 months ago
i think an award ceremony for the best toasts of the year we can call it the toasties the award will be a golden toaster with toast sticking out the top
Shannon Donnelly 11 months ago
As someone who is gluten intolerant, this is absolute food porn :)
Fat Harry (Oi / You) 11 months ago
And now it's cold because you stopped to take a photo of it!
#6
Will Cable 11 months ago
For me it is when you park away from the store entrance where no one else is parked and some a-hole then parks alongside and partly on the bay you are using .
Tim Douglass 11 months ago
Part of the time I drive a full-size 15 passenger van that's about 3 feet longer than a normal vehicle, so I'm programmed to pull as far up in a parking space as I can get. When I'm driving my Bolt I end up hiding it from drivers looking for a slot. I'm sorry. Don't hate me.
Rick Seiden 11 months ago
When I park my motorcycle in a lot, I always park it so the back tire is where a normal car's trunk would be, so you see it as you approach.
Gervais is best known for his character, David Brent, in The Office, a mockumentary about corporate life. An American version of the sitcom starring Steve Carrell was later released.
Regarding the dry nature of British humor, Gervais admits that it’s not for everybody. He describes it as “play fighting,” which is a “sign of affection” for someone you like and an “ego bursting” for someone you dislike.
#7
Angela B 11 months ago
I do this when a driver doesn't give me "the wave" or "the nod" when I let them in front of me in traffic.
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JLo 11 months ago
Yeah, I didn't know you were supposed to thank someone for that.
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Surly Scot 11 months ago
In scotland we do this without needing the thanks. It's nice to be nice.
Der Kommissar 11 months ago
If someone in front of me does not put the divider behind their purchases, I ask them if they are paying for my stuff
Janissary35680 11 months ago
I put dividers down to separate my purchases from those of people before and after me. I'm slightly OCD if you can't tell. 🫡
TribbleThinking 11 months ago
Lol. I also push them towards the end so that the people waiting can start unloading their baskets.
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#8
Khavrinen 11 months ago
Except it's the UK, so they'd say "Maths vandals".
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Dill 11 months ago
To be fair, someone said they've not seen it in this layout and another said they 'didn't think' it was legit - which implies they're not 100% certain.
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Dariusz M. D. 11 months ago
So.... being able to multiply equals sophistication in the UK? Duly noted
#9
Chewie Baron 6 months ago
I used to work in Next during the 90s, and whenever guys who were on their own were trying jeans on and asked if they looked good, I always said no. Go to a shop that actually makes decent jeans. At the time, Next were only really good for shirts and ties.
Joshua David 11 months ago
I tried this once then had to spend 10 minutes trying to talk the boss out of calling an ambulance for me. I did get to leave though.
Gervais says British comedy’s offensive and slightly abrasive nature is more about speaking the truth. He never purposely attacks anyone with his comedy but always says what he means.
“Be honest. No one should ever be offended by the truth. That way, you’ll never have to apologize,” he wrote.
#10
Bill Swallow 11 months ago
Said this before in response to the same item - It's the schtick used by the lad at the checkout. He says it to girls he fancies. If they say yes, Cool! He wins! If they decline, he replies with the 'it's part of the meal deal' bit. No muss, no fuss, no embarrassment. Lad is a genius.
Steve Robert 11 months ago
Should have said " I have a boyfriend too, but do you want a drink with your order?"
#11
UKGrandad 11 months ago
Another oddity with tea: the next time you make a cuppa, after you've had a few sips take it outside and drink some more. It will taste completely different.
Sue User 11 months ago
And this is why i have a collection. Each for a different mood. Heck, i even have different teapots. Yes Marie, they all spark joy. Especially the Royal Dalton fine china cup and saucer my nan bought me that i only use about once a month because i am so afraid of breaking it.
Cpt. Christan "Panda Bombero" 11 months ago
Even though I live in the Treasonous Colonial States, I absolutely concur. Mine is always made in my blue IAFF Local 3972 Jefferson County Professional Firefighter mug I received for 15yrs of service.
#12
Ervin Conn 11 months ago
I have a German friend that calls them "Food Tools". She is not wrong.
Load More Replies... Jossh Nine 11 months ago
My ex is French. She couldn't remember the word for "bark", as in bark on a tree, so she went with "tree skin". It was amazing.
Paul Doswell 11 months ago
"Sugrör" - the Swedish word for a drinking straw - literally translates as "suck pipe".
Aud (she/they) 11 months ago
Cinnamons instead of synonyms. I didn't have the heart to correct him, it was too cute 😭
Philly Bob 11 months ago (edited)
We use antonyms to get better TV reception and homonyms are what people in the Southern USA have for breakfast.
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Nadine Debard 11 months ago
I'm French and I very often say chapeau instead of couvercle.
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However, some experts believe there is no such thing as a British sense of humor. For University of Salford lecturer in performance and comedy Dr. Ian Wilkie, comedy is always open to interpretation and counterexamples you can’t pin down.
In an interview with the BBC, he described the process as “like trying to nail jelly to a wall.”
#13
ColdSteelRonin 11 months ago
He created a sniglet: A sniglet (/ˈsnɪɡlɪt/) is an often humorous word made up to describe something for which no dictionary word exists. Introduced in the 1980s TV comedy series Not Necessarily the News.
Der Kommissar 11 months ago (edited)
We call them trash containers. Wheelie Binh is the Vietnamese Evel Knievel
Kylie 11 months ago
Love it when that same person puts out the recycle bin when it's not the right week but everyone else does too.
Gianna B D 11 months ago (edited)
Bandit: Hey, Doreen, is it both bins tonight? Doreen: Don't ask me. I just copy you.
Gracie Mae 11 months ago
and a big thank you to that person for reminding those of us that never know what day it is, when it is trash day!
#14
martin734 11 months ago
Probably not, college kids in the UK are 16-18 years old and still living off their parents. College in the UK usually comes between secondary school and University which is usually started at around 18 years old for first time students.
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Robert Butt 11 months ago
Maybe they were laughing because it would have been easier to pull the car out...
Cpt. Christan "Panda Bombero" 11 months ago
I did the same for a $1 Dollar bill in the 90's. I still would, if I carried cash.
Wondering Alice 11 months ago
This is nothing to do with the financial side, it's for a trolley. I rarely use actual money, but every car needs a £1 coin for getting in the shopping. College kids are more likely to use baskets. Losing your pound is a problem, you need to go to an ATM, then break the note. It's way easier to crawl under the car.
#15
Robert Trebor 11 months ago
I have toasties quite often, The machine is ridiculously easy to use, and ridiculously easy to clean. Unlike most of my small appliances.
Deborah B 11 months ago
Ever have this, but with oranges? You don't eat oranges for months, and then you have one, and are reminded that oranges are f*****g fantastic, and you have oranges daily.
TjB 11 months ago
My family really takes the pee out of me about my love of oranges! During lockdown, I has the best orange I'd ever tasted - sweet, tangy and so, so juicy. Trouble is, I got a bit carried away, some juice went down the wrong way, and I started choking! Hubby and daughter came running bc I was wheezing so loud, and were yelling at me to spit it out - but it was just too delicious! Now, if ever I say something (particularly citrus fruits) is good, we all go "yeah, but is it choke-worthy?"!!
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TjB 11 months ago
It's a flip-top little machine that not only toasts your sandwich, but also crimps the edges of the bread together into crusty yumminess Link : https://www.breville.co.uk/sandwich-makers/sandwich-toasters/breville-3-in-1-ultimate-snack-maker/VST098.html#start=3
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Nadine Debard 11 months ago
My toastie machine also makes waffles, paninis and quesadillas. I will never forget it.
Emma London 11 months ago
I do the same with an egg cooker, and then the thing will move back to the closet for half a year again.
Jan Rosier 11 months ago
talking about croque monsieur, right? just had two... we're on our third machine in what, 5 years or so?
Gervais echoes a similar statement: all comedy is the same regardless of where you come from. But for him, it’s more of an “intellectual pursuit” where his objective is not to dumb down his audience.
“As a comedian, I think my job isn’t just to make people laugh but also make them think,” he stated. “Not everyone will like what I say or find it funny. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.”
#16
MagicJacket 11 months ago
You misspelled a word there. Should be a W instead of a B.
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Beth Wheeler 11 months ago
Hate coffee and hot tea I'm a US southern girl who only drinks cold sweet tea. But do not EVER put more than 1 cup of sugar in a gallon of tea, if you do it's way too sweet and I can't drink it.
#17
Cpt. Christan "Panda Bombero" 11 months ago
I understand. $100 dollars in groceries, generic brands and marked down meats at that, got me 3 bags of groceries.
#18
Cpt. Christan "Panda Bombero" 11 months ago
The best part about driving a fire apparatus, there certain times that I got to say to entitled individuals, "Yes, that is where I parked, and no I am not moving it so you can get by."
OneHappyPuppy 11 months ago
So let me get this straight - in the UK you take driving lessons...in your own car? How else did the instructor know whose car it was? Or did he just see a random car and text a random student, that's even weirder
Paul C. 11 months ago
Her driving instructor texted her to say he'd seen her car parked so badly, it looked like it had fallen from the sky...not straight is my guess.
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Cpt. Christan "Panda Bombero" 11 months ago
Nowadays, after my favorite lounge closed, I just stay home, drink, and have philosophical/metaphysical/theological/cosmological conversations with my cats.
#20
Meagan Glaser 11 months ago
if you smoke a cigarette with it you are legally required to become a detective
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B Hobbs 11 months ago (edited)
Dad drank his coffee black, mom put milk and sugar in hers. Dad would occasionally comment about mom 'poisoning' her coffee. Mom would mutter something about 'it's not my coffee that's being poisoned'. Married some 40 years.
Widdershins66 11 months ago
Yep, me too. I don't drink my calories, I eat them!
Load More Replies... Mohsie Supposie 11 months ago
I have only half a teaspoon and I am really proud of it! Nothing wrong with some self encouragement!
Nea 11 months ago
Yea thats fine but some people are relly condescending to others who like theirs sweet :(
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Julie S 11 months ago
OMG I worked in a cafe you will not believe how often I heard this!
Load More Replies... Oskar vanZandt 11 months ago
I drink my coffee black... Only put a teaspoon of honey in regular tea if have a cold.
Debbie 11 months ago
Especially when I drink it black, so if I offer some and they want milk and sugar.. Do I have milk? Is it still good? Where is my sugar? And oh they'll need spoons to stir and a spoon to scoop the sugar!
Load More Replies... Chewie Baron 6 months ago
I was raised in the North of England where it is the law to have milk and two sugars. Anyone who breaks this law is deported to that there London immediately.
#21
Oerff On Tour 11 months ago
Finishing the speech with "Thank you, and till the next time." won't help either...
Anne Nyheim 11 months ago
I was late for a good friend's wedding. In my stressed mind a joke would be a nice way to smooth things over, and I listened in horror as my brain poured these words out of my mouth: "I'm sorry, I promise I'll catch your next one"
z4dt82sdvx 11 months ago
I sent a card to my ex-wife on her second wedding. It was a woman in a cake shop saying "just the usual please". She liked it.
#22
Crouching hippo hidden panda 11 months ago
Hippies to the left of tree, arseholes to the right, here I am.
Sinead Kenny 11 months ago
I have this neighbour and then he dumps the waste back into my garden before I have chance to cut it myself.
#23
François Bouzigues 11 months ago
It exists. It is called a glass of water every other round.
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Jossh Nine 11 months ago
Chug a half cup of pickle juice and eat a banana. Then have a little toke of weed and watch Star Wars "Empire Strikes Back".
A girl 11 months ago
McDonald's sausage biscuit. Perfect combo of absorbing stomach acid, lubricating stomach, carb rush to the brain. It's like a savory Tums.
AtMostAFabulist 11 months ago (edited)
Mcdonalds hamburger, small fry strawberry shake.
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H Cef 11 months ago
Cup of instant Miso Soup has always worked for me. We must be fish in another life.
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LadySparre 11 months ago
Bacon sandwich, crisps + coke/repair beer/chocolate milk or what ever beverage that strikes your fancy
#24
Mohsie Supposie 11 months ago
Even though "anywhere here" is about 10 miles away from your actual destination!
LouLou 11 months ago
And then you have to hope they drive away before they see you walking up to the other end of the street to get to your actual house
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Nacho Man Sandy Ravage 11 months ago
And your journey has to include "Been busy??" and "What time you on 'til??"
Surly Scot 11 months ago
They get so confused by this in America, like you just asked to be dropped off in the middle of the Sahara desert.
#25
Danielle 11 months ago
Yeah, I don't enjoy paying bills but I'd take that over years of relentless bullying, thanks.
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Dragons Exist 11 months ago
"no weekends" what magical school did u go to where u didn't have weekend homework
Pink Princess 11 months ago
Hours of homework and studying everyday??? Tons of academic stress??? Parents yelling at you for "bad" grades??? Having to still study on the school holidays and weekends??? At least you actually get paid for hard work at your job
Heras buddy 11 months ago
PPP Did school really suck worse than working your life away for ungrateful bastards? You must have went to school from hell.
Penguin Panda Pop 11 months ago
the short answer is yes, I preferred even the crappy jobs I did for 20 years over secondary school. Now I have a job that's less sucky and I'm actually enjoying life. I'm sorry for the many people who don't.
Load More Replies... Surly Scot 11 months ago (edited)
7.45am-3.45pm each day. What magical short-day school did OP go to?
#26
Shannon Donnelly 11 months ago
One of the very few movies I would be okay watching on a stranger's phone
Jeremy James 11 months ago
I only just learned that Shrek was originally written for Chris Farley before he passed. They didn't tell Myers until after. I wonder what that movie would have been like. It's hard to imagine Shrek not being Scottish.
#27
MotherofGuineaPigs 11 months ago
I always get "do you really only want 5 sprouts?" Yeah, 10 guinea pigs 1/2 each.
Laura Gillette 11 months ago
Once tried to order 4 apples and got 4 BAGS OF APPLES. THERE WERE A DOZEN APPLES IN EACH BAG
#28
Gustav Gallifrey 11 months ago
There's a chicken carcass that i think has been in my fridge longer than that.
#29
Denise Aitchison 11 months ago
You're including the Irish, Scot's, and Welsh? I 100% think you're right. We did start as a land for Puritans.
Fat Harry (Oi / You) 11 months ago
Well... as they're all part of the UK... yes.
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TMMITW 11 months ago
Ok, it's on. But if Bubba says "Hold my beer" you better take a step back.
Fat Harry (Oi / You) 11 months ago
Even the US pint is smaller. They don't do drinking like we do drinking. Plus we have a whole load of Poles to help.
Adrian 11 months ago
Fun fact, the US pint is the original Imperial pint....
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Jan Rosier 11 months ago
And then along come the Flemish, outdrinking them all... normal lager over here is 5.2 % alcohol. That's just for thirst. Real bear (monks, triples and whatnot) start at 7.5% alcohol and you drink each of them in 33 cl amounts.
ucp 11 months ago
I picked up a couple of cans for the Eurostar back to London from Brussels. Didn’t check the strength, as it looked like a standard lager. 8% abv! Only drank one.
Load More Replies... Pandemonium 11 months ago
Come visit and I'll take you to my local cannabis shop and it'll be game on
#30
HeavyMetalHeart 11 months ago
Our house was newly built when we moved in and it was two years before any delivery places acknowledged we existed and would accept our order!
James016 11 months ago
I moved into a new build flat in 2004. Took a while for the post office and sat navs etc to get the postcode into their systems. For people coming to visit I had to tell them to look for the lighthouse and that’s the turning. That baffled them at first until they realised that the self storage facility on the corner had a pretend lighthouse.
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Michael Fernandez 11 months ago
I have a friend who lives on an idyllic island that can only be reached by ferry; I live in a cramped bungalow in a mid-level tourist city. He gives me the stink eye when I talk about how many restaurants I can choose from.
Sue User 11 months ago
Door dash jumped the gun and advertised before they were ready. Took two days to get my order and the girl actually shopped in her hometown and drove 20 miles to deliver. I tipped heavily. Now it shows as " nothing available" .
Load More Replies... Alison Hobbs 11 months ago
Nobody.... I repeat......nobody delivers to my village. I'm very sad 😭
detective miller's hat 11 months ago
I live in the middle of nowhere and we have a grand total of 2 restaurants who will deliver to us via doordash. And let me tell you, that bbq place must have made a FORTUNE for the first couple of weeks they showed up as a doordash option, because the entire village was super excited about having an option other than incredibly mediocre tacos.
Reviewer01 11 months ago
Problem is, you'll have to pave an actual order. I checked that I could get food delivered to a rural location, only for one after another of the establishments to send me a "sorry we're not delivering to your area, you have not been charged" message and I went hungry.
Adrian Scarlett 11 months ago
I looked up reviews on google before I moved in. My favourite review said "didn't like the chicken kebab. I'm not much for chicken, though."
#31
Serial pacifist 11 months ago
I still eat them once a day, one a day then or one pack a day now, just a matter of semantics…
arthbach 11 months ago
If anyone needs to be told here's the answer from on Mam. If the biscuit is around the size of your palm, you can have one. If it is the the size of the circle created by putting your thumb and pointer finger together, then it's two. If they are the size of a £1 coin, you can have a handful. --- Hope that helps. :oD
LouLou 11 months ago
No way José! If you were my mam I'd be sneaking biscuits in the night 🤣
Load More Replies... anonymuswere 11 months ago
*waves over the brits with a bucket of popcorn for when the inevitable "you eat cans of biscut dough?" pops up from yank viewers*
#32
Dawn Marie 11 months ago
My X husband. He always thought it was his job to teach other drivers a lesson even at the expense of the kids and my life.
Surly Scot 11 months ago
Me. Learned to drive at 37yrs old in USA. I now drive like a 16yr old nutcase who's late for a concert.
to old to care 11 months ago
Yes, any taxi cab driver in Las Vegas Nevada USA. Not Ubers - just the cab drivers.
#33
Cpt. Christan "Panda Bombero" 11 months ago
I have said something similar to my cats, but it was threatening to withhold their weekly wet food treat.
Mary Peace 11 months ago
If she won't believe the dog doesn't understand, just tell her she's barking up the wrong tree.
#34
Nizumi 11 months ago (edited)
Being overly literal (meaning: this is a joke), I have to point out it depends on where your flight's heading. ;) If you're flying in to a major hub like Paris or Munich, you might be connecting to go somewhere else. But it you're on a Ryan Air heading for Malaga, then fair to laugh at your mum. :)
arthbach 11 months ago
Nizumi, but even then, a person might be flying into Malaga, and then travelling on the Granada.
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#35
Apatheist Account2 11 months ago
We didn't have real ladders when I was growing up. I was brought up by my step-ladder.
Rafael 11 months ago
I'm a dad, and this means I'm forced by law to give you an upvote.
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Shannon Donnelly 11 months ago
Once you own a house, you won't have any money for anything either, because guaranteed something is always breaking.
Heras buddy 11 months ago
Property ladder? I'm still in the basement looking for a borrowed ladder.
Cpt. Christan "Panda Bombero" 11 months ago
I did not buy my first house until I was 36 years old, working in Emergency Services. I am still in that same house 17yrs later.
#36
Joe Reaves 11 months ago
I always check. And then dig the packet out of the oven to check again because I've forgotten what it said between getting it out of the fridge and putting the oven on. And then again once the oven is heated up because I've forgotten how long to put it in for.
#37
Cpt. Christan "Panda Bombero" 11 months ago
One day you are young and the next you are wondering, should I just have my groceries delivered from now on.
Makenzie McNeal 11 months ago
Honey I'm 17 and I still find membership clubs like Tesco and Sams Club handy.
#38
Robert Trebor 11 months ago
I have 4 pairs. My feet swell and recede like the tide. Crocs are the answer. Shies make my feet unhappy, and I want happy feet.
Katchen 11 months ago
Hank Azaria as Agador in The Birdcage: “I cannot wears chews because they make me fall down.”
Load More Replies... Panda McPandaface 11 months ago
I will never succumb. They'll have to knock me out and force them on while I'm unconscious.
Not-a-Clue (she/her) 11 months ago
Am I the only Brit who thinks this one isn't British? We don't call them malls, they are shopping centres or retail parks.
Leesa DeAndrea 11 months ago
Perhaps they used mall because it is so much easier to type.
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Cpt. Christan "Panda Bombero" 11 months ago (edited)
Though they are common wear for a lot of staff, at the Fire Station, after normal business hours, I refuse to own a pair. I had a pair of rubber slip on classic surf shoes, in black of course.
Leesa DeAndrea 11 months ago
That's because they are so comfortable and just slip on. But sturdy enough for almost anything.
Gracie Mae 11 months ago
they help me when I my plantar fasciitis is acting up. my sons wear them around the house. very comfy, I think they get a bad rap just because they're not pretty
#39
James016 11 months ago
Amen. I ask for a burger without the gherkin and I still get the damn thing on occasion. My wife likes them.
Shannon Donnelly 11 months ago
ME!! Hand em over!! But only if they're dill, not those nasty sweet butter monstrosities yuck
Panda McPandaface 11 months ago
Not sure if those have made their way to the UK.
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Kira Okah 11 months ago
I'm the gherkin weirdo in the group, yes I get everyone's pile. Put them all on my burger because mine don't come with them, heaven.
#40
KatSaidWhat 11 months ago
Did that last weekend because it was taking so long. Heard him pull up so was at the door before he had the chance to ring the bell.
Surly Scot 11 months ago
Or walk your lazy as* out there and meet them halfway, do a little cardio to balance that fatty takeaway.
#41
Cpt. Christan "Panda Bombero" 11 months ago
Because you are hoping they do not say; " What parcel"? Because what then?
Serena Myers 11 months ago
Don't understand this one at all. We take in parcels for our neighbours quite often, and the delivery driver will put a note through their door and they will collect it when they are ready. Neighbours have done the same for us. Not even remotely awkward.
Debby Keir 11 months ago
and why, postie, did you deliver it to the neighbour's house and not MINE.
Auntriarch 11 months ago
The only time it was uncomfortable was when a delivery of wine was dropped off at the neighbour opposite, who was a recovering alcoholic. I felt embarrassed, he didn't though.
#42
Awkward lady 11 months ago
...and the one down the road from me is chav Tesco. People turn up in their dressing gown
Forrest Hobbs 11 months ago (edited)
Last time I went to Sainsbury's, there was a lass there in her PJs. Truly, we are all doomed. Although a Waitrose opened up about 15 miles away recently, so maybe I can survive the apocalypse... (no I'm not going to translate for foreigners, so there)
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Fat Harry (Oi / You) 11 months ago
Also, the answer is always Big Tesco. You got to check out the non-grocery section!
Jane Doe-Doe 1 month ago
They should definitely change the names to big Tesco and little Tesco
#43
BrunoVI 11 months ago
What, that's about 22 degrees F in a week, and you're complaining? We went from a high of 86 to a high of 29 in a week. In Oklahoma, it's normal for the temperature to drop 70 degrees in an hour (partly due to summer hail.)
Janissary35680 11 months ago
Ancient Hägar the Horrible strip: (1) “Why do you like to invade England so much?” (2) “Because I love the weather. It’s so changeable.” (3) [Nothing visible but rain streaming down] (4) “That for example was summer.”
Shannon Donnelly 11 months ago
Kinda same in NJ at this point. Two days ago it was 61 F. Tonight it's dropping to 16 F. We had 40 days without rain in October and November and got nearly 6" of rain this week over a 3 day period. But no, global warming doesn't exist. (Neither do normal seasons, either! O.o)
Kelly Hartle 11 months ago
Here in Indiana, in the US, we say if you don't like the weather wait 5 minutes--it'll change.
#44
Kelly Scott 11 months ago
Here in the states, Amazon might just tell you to keep your return but refund you anyway.
#45
Petra Peitsch 11 months ago
If you are nice, and asking not demanding,. speak with the guys at the reception.Usually you'll get a breakfast-bag, when you check out with sandwiches, fruits, sweets and some water or soda or juice.
Load More Replies... Auntriarch 11 months ago
And then there's the station hotel at St Pancras, which doesn't serve breakfast early enough for you to catch the Eurostar....
Cpt. Christan "Panda Bombero" 11 months ago
I had one that literally would not let you take your breakfast back to your room.
Rachel Pelz 11 months ago
Oh my husband would LOVE this. He's always like, they don't serve breakfast before 7.30, way too late.
#46
Pittsburgh rare 11 months ago
Some people just don't pay the last month before moving because they know they're not getting the deposit back no matter how pristine the apartment is. Not saying you should do that but also not saying you shouldn't.
keyboardtek 11 months ago
We had one landlord try to keep the security deposit claiming the window curtains got threadbare because we opened the windows to let fresh air in. We took him to court demanding he prove that wind causes cloth to become thread bare. He was unable to do so and we got our deposit returned.
Load More Replies... Libstak 11 months ago
If it's at the point they are going deny your deposit for anything. Just leave and let them deal with the mess every time
Angie May 11 months ago
Rented a house, the landlord said he could replace the carpet in the bedrooms before I moved in if I didn't mind waiting a few more days. Told him not to bother, that the old, worn carpet was fine (I just put a rug down in each room). Fast forward to two years later when I moved out, he absolutely kept the entire deposit because "the carpets were worn and needed replacing". Right. Cool.
Load More Replies... Norm Gilmore 11 months ago
My sister is very (Monica from Friends) tidy. When she left her flat she mowed the lawns on the Sunday and was inspected on the Monday. They charged for a gardener to 'mow' the lawns because it was messy. Yeah right...
KatSaidWhat 11 months ago
Biggest lesson I learnt was to take move in and move out photos and report anything off right at the beginning so you don't get blamed when they don't fix it.
Dusty's mom 11 months ago
This is so weird. In the U.S. we have to provide our own furnishings, sometimes even appliances, when renting. No way would I leave the sofa. The hell with the sock!
CultOfBambi 10 months ago
We (UK) have options - furnished, part-furnished and unfurnished, when it comes to rental properties.
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Charlie the Cat 11 months ago (edited)
My mate has just left his rented flat. He left a birthday card on top of the fridge and a cobweb behind the washing machine . Lost £440 of his deposit for cleaning fee.
Norm Gilmore 11 months ago
Wow. And I bet the 'cleaning' was throwing the card in the bin and brushing the cobweb away...
Load More Replies... Glix Drap 11 months ago
There is another side to this - just saying. I have seen some really s****y tenants.
Lew k 11 months ago
Yeah I own a rental and we've spent literally 3 months worth of weekends getting the place back in order after the last renters. They trashed the place. Absolutely filthy. 2 years worth of dog poo in the yard. A sea of weeds chest high in the back. New paint, sand and repaint all the doors and cabinets. A nightmare. Worst part, it was my brother and sister staying there and we didn't charge them for the last 9 months so they could save up to move. Never again. We're either selling it or making it a short term rental. This is the 2nd time we've had to redo the entire place after a long term renter.
Load More Replies... Cpt. Christan "Panda Bombero" 11 months ago (edited)
I had some do that with me, so I just went to this old hardware store that had a barrel full of old/used door locks for cheap and bought door locks and automatic latching locks for the all the entrance and room doors and slide bolt locks for the windows. I installed them, right before I left and then gave them the keys that I was issued, but of course not the ones for the locks I installed, as I left the building. I also made sure to never leave my new address. The cost of them having to gain entry to the apartment and each room with a door, was worth the lost deposit.
#47
Cee Cee 11 months ago
You're OK so long as you acknowledge it. I always say morning/afternoon handsome maggers.
Fat Harry (Oi / You) 11 months ago
My partner says "Good morning Mr Magpie. How's your wife today?"
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Glix Drap 11 months ago
What happens if there are more than 7? Do you get a secret never to be told and then start again?
Kathy Brooke 11 months ago
Eight a wish Nine a kiss Ten a bird you must not miss.
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Carbonel 11 months ago
It’s an old rhyme. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/One_for_Sorrow_(nursery_rhyme)
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Brain-In-A-Vat 11 months ago
In my experience it's 'one for sorrow, two is double trouble . . .'
#48
Robert T 11 months ago
It's when people refer to you as "the old man" that it gets really depressing!
Mike F 11 months ago
Doesn't bother me anymore personally. I don't know why but I'm typically the oldest at work, etc. I take no offense to being referred to as "the old boy" or such. As long as it's good natured.
Load More Replies... Paul C. 11 months ago
My FIL, when about 87 went to the local burger bar, ordered and stood by the door waiting. He was a bit Mutton Jeff (deaf) and didn't hear them call his number. Eventually they said louder, it's for the old guy at the back. Which he heard, he immediately looked around for the old guy!🥲
François Carré 11 months ago
In France being called "chef" at the kebab is a widespread, historical tradition.
Tiger Lilly 11 months ago
No 😔 As a woman of 5'2 it's a struggle for the guy in the chippy to even see me over the counter!
Katie Allen 11 months ago
when it gets depressing is when you get called "sir" and you're a woman
#49
Cpt. Christan "Panda Bombero" 11 months ago
My customer service/dealing with "challenging individuals" as a Fire Captain is Causton CID DCI John Barnaby vs dealing with "challenging people" on my off duty hours is more like NYPD Detective Lieutenant John McClane.
ucp 11 months ago
I went to university (England) 100 miles from home. Nobody could decipher my working class accent. So now I speak British RP. Can still call on my “proper” voice though.
Load More Replies... #50
Mohsie Supposie 11 months ago
Typical salesman technique! Only works if you are actually going to make that pizza last for a whole year!
Steve Robert 11 months ago
Yup. Learned that when selling encyclopedias one summer while going to school. Gave them a calendar bank where you put in a quarter and the date changes. At the end of the month just send us the quarters. See how affordable these books are?
Load More Replies... #51
Rachael green 11 months ago
Kookaburra sits in the old gum treee-eee, merry, merry king of the bush is he-eee........ Why was this even a song in my England school?! 😂
Julie S 11 months ago
Or what we used to sing 🎶 Kookaburra sits on electric wire on my god his bums on fire. Ouch kookaburra ouch, kookaburra how your bum must hurt ha ha ha! 🎶
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Sarah McManus 11 months ago
"Morning Has Broken" every damn day from the age of 4 through to 11 🫤
Surly Scot 11 months ago
3 decades of singing "I'm a skyscraper wean..." (The Jeely Piece Song by Adam McNaughton), the Hokey Pokey, and Flee Fly Flo. They never leave your head, school assemblies drill this in better than math.
#52
#53
Verena 11 months ago
Five weeks plus some extra days, all paid leave - there are emloyees on this planet silently weeping now.
Josephine Blogs 11 months ago
Are there any Americans reading this and wishing they had 28 days vacation? 🤣
Orange Panda 11 months ago
When I hit the 5 year mark at my current job, I will get 5 weeks. Super benefit!
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ZGutr 11 months ago
c'mon, there are 104 more ( those are not flexible though, must usually be taken on saterdays/sundays)
Glix Drap 11 months ago
There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break, which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1-hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work.
Oskar vanZandt 11 months ago
Fantastical mathematicals you're employing there...
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Estelle 11 months ago
Most Americans still accept only 14 days as standard leave...insane, isn't it?
Angie May 11 months ago
lol 14 days. Try 7 at a good chunk of jobs. I hate it here.
Load More Replies... Fat Harry (Oi / You) 11 months ago
Could be worse... let's ask the Yanks what they get. Over to you, guy.
Surly Scot 11 months ago
At least in the UK we got annual leave, here in USA I have no leave whatsoever, if I take any time off I just lose money. We are allotted 64 sick days per year, but you have to accrue 4.7hrs of sick leave per month as you work, so for the first 2 months of the year you have no sick days you're allowed to use, gotta wait until you've accrued 8hrs of sick leave so you can take a day off. God this place is hell.
#54
Mohsie Supposie 11 months ago
I need £500K so I can buy a house without a mortgage! Is that really too much to ask?
#55
Janissary35680 11 months ago
Incredibly this has its own Wikipedia page. We called it "Ding Dong Ditch" in the US. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Knock,_knock,_ginger
Load More Replies... Surly Scot 11 months ago
"Knock door runaway" in Glasgow. My grandad was even more evil, used to get the old small trashcans, tilt them against someone's door, knock, runaway, when they opened the door the trash would spill all over their floor and doorstep. He was such an a-hole.
#56
Pandemonium 11 months ago
Your football supporters have amazing voices. I'm always impressed with the call and response and creativity of the lyrics. Must be the school assemblies then.
James016 11 months ago
That and the chants about the referee’s eyesight, and how pleasures himself.
Load More Replies... Janissary35680 11 months ago
That and the large Gaelic component of the population. Have you ever heard a Welsh miners' choir? A cappella at its best.
#57
Paul Doswell 11 months ago
Some Swedish relatives of mine were over in the UK on holiday and went to our local 24hr Tesco at 3am one day… just because they could 😂
#58
Kalikima 11 months ago
I was in a line of cars doing that in the parent pick up line at my son's school.. the front of the line moved, and we just sat there (I couldn't see the front from where I was) until someone flagged the person directly behind the parked car. I can only imagine they were messing around on their phone and were just waiting for the car on front of them to move, without noticing it was empty, or that the rest of the line moved without it..
Max Robitzsch 11 months ago (edited)
I had my driver instructor legit shout at me to "go!" at an intersection. I was waiting, and waiting, and thinking he was referring to the guy in the other car on the other side, and feeling he was getting a bit angry at that fellow!
Norm Gilmore 11 months ago (edited)
I have done similar when a car I was behind pulled over very close to the give way, and I followed thinking it was turning like I was... :-)
#59
Fat Harry (Oi / You) 11 months ago
I saw a man follow a woman through the grocery section of Tesco shouting "OH NOT BLOODY POK CHOI AGAIN! IT'S SO BLOODY BLAND!" and that is the most middle class thing I've ever seen in Tesco. I did once see a small child say "Mummy, can we get some Quinoa please?" but that was Waitrose, so expected.
Blue Bunny of Happiness 11 months ago
Apparently, my allergy to asparagus is the most middle class allergy… thanks Bro!
Load More Replies... #60
Queeqec 11 months ago
I prefer the ACAB - All Cats Are Beautiful. But yours is good too!
Load More Replies... #61
Tobias Reaper 11 months ago
i doubt it as the prison cell would probably be bigger and nicer
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Serial pacifist 11 months ago
You can poop and rest you legs on the bed, or rest on the bed and pee in the toilet. So convenient.
Hmmm hmmmm 11 months ago
A room! Back in my day we had to pay 2100 for a wet cardboard box. And we had to share that between me while family
Glix Drap 11 months ago
Moral - don't live in Central London. Move a bit out then you should be fine if you can afford that sort of rent.
Jossh Nine 11 months ago
Your post reminds me of the scene in the movie "Snatch" when Dennis Farina is going back to New York and the customs guy asks, "Anything to declare?", and Farina says, "Yeah, don't go to London".
Load More Replies... luci (he/fae) 11 months ago
would've thought it was new york if the poster hadn't put the real location in the post
Kira Okah 11 months ago
Probably shared. That it has an included private bathroom is amazing for that price - seen an above shop flat for 2 grand/month in London not central where the only bathroom was the shared public bathroom in the shop downstairs.
Load More Replies... Grenelda Thurber 11 months ago
I've seen this picture before, probably on Bored Panda. I think it's a dorm room.
#62
Fat Harry (Oi / You) 11 months ago
I'm surprised it's not something to do with shooting wood.
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#63
Debby Keir 11 months ago
Had something similar - My first name is Meriel and a couple of years ago booked a flight and it autocorrected to Merkel.....However, they did change it at no cost.
#65
#66
Rachel Pelz 11 months ago
No. Thinking of a kitchen like this is £950 in central London.
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#67
KatSaidWhat 11 months ago
Yes, pay day - the day you pay your bills and then work out what is left and what your daily budget is.
#69
Der Kommissar 11 months ago
I love hash browns. What McDonald's calls "hash browns" are not hash browns. Damn, now I want some hash.
#70
ZGutr 11 months ago
Just be glad it wasn't a tool you did not put back !!! ( which i'm sure you would not be allowed to touch in the first place )
Rafael 11 months ago
You speak of grave sins, please add a trigger warning in the future!
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Darryl Martin 11 months ago
I imagine that this is just the latest in a long list of things he put somewhere that someone moved without telling him that it had been moved. I find it incredibly frustrating too. Just let him know where you moved it to.
Adrian 11 months ago
Hilarious that the two posters here pointing out the grammatical error are getting downvoted. More evidence of the dumbing down of this site and society in general...
Load More Replies... #71
Fat Harry (Oi / You) 11 months ago
Post? Post where? When I was a child there was nowhere TO post, unless you felt like advertising your absence in the corner shop window or something.
detective miller's hat 11 months ago
My parents still leave the radio on when they go on holiday despite the fact that nothing says NO ONE WILL BE HOME ALL WEEK like a constantly blaring radio in a dark house.
LouLou 11 months ago
Or the curtains half open, half closed, morning and night 🤣
Load More Replies... Michael Fernandez 11 months ago
Several high profile American athletes have had their mansions burglarized during away games recently in the U.S. I never tell anyone other than the post office and my neighbors when I’m away.
Rafael 11 months ago
I realized I have no need to post anything personally identifiable online, ever. And to go beyond beating the same tired (but true) horse, I would like to add that not having to "defend" your real self online also removes a lot of stress from your life, and could potentially lead to less radicalization on the real world.
#72
#73
Rachael green 11 months ago
When I was 14 years old and I worked at a chippy for 2.75 per hour I got to go home with a bag of chips, a kebab and an arm full of burns. Still felt like a good deal 😂
Darryl Martin 11 months ago
Yep I was paid 3.50 per hour at 16. Worse than that, when I was 11 I delivered newspapers Mon-Friday for £10 a week. It was essentially child labour but I thought I was rich.
Surly Scot 11 months ago
15yrs old, school Mon-Fri, worked in a crepery stall saturday and sunday 9am-5pm, for 40quid for working the whole weekend which is 2.50 per hour, and my gran would take half every week. I was left with 20quid to cover my buspass, school lunches, sanitary products, clothing and any little treats for myself for the week. (At 14 grandma viewed you as an adult, no more pocket money/allowance, no buying you new clothes or personal items like deodorant, no xmas presents or birthday presents, do it all yourself plus pay half of any income to the head of the household so they can spend it on Mr. Kipling cakes. Abusive c*nt).
Janissary35680 11 months ago
£0.50 in 1979 is worth £3.17 today according to https://www.in2013dollars.com/UK-inflation
Load More Replies... Darryl Martin 11 months ago
Wow. Forgive me for asking but how old are you? I only ask because if that was even 30 years ago it's shocking. Here I am feeling aggrieved with my tenner that you had to work 20 weeks for.
Load More Replies... #74
James D 11 months ago
Nothing beats a "picky tea." And its now Picky tea season!!
Load More Replies... #75
James D 11 months ago
For BBC stuff you do, as they don't have adverts. We need to pay for shamed newsreaders monthly by direct debit.
Load More Replies... Surly Scot 11 months ago
Raised in Scotland and lived there til I was 25, had my own apartment at 16. 9yrs i NEVER paid for the TV license. Once I had the TV license guy come to my door (the days before streaming apps through the TV), I brought him in, showed him my TV with my DVD player, asked if he saw a Skybox/any kind of broadcasting input, he said no, I told him he can't charge me for the license when I have no ability to receive any broadcasts. He agreed, I walked him outside, then retrieved my Skybox from the closet and plugged everything back in. Don't pay for the garbage, challenge everything and find ways around it like learning how to livestream on your computer and cast it to your TV.
#76
Menno 11 months ago
Had not been there in ages and recently, after a long working day, I caved. It was such a disappointment: almost triple the price for half the food and appalling quality. Don’t understand how McD still has customers at all: any local snackbar will give you a so much better deal..
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#77
whineygingercat 11 months ago
Is this per girl or per birthday? Cause I'm 44 and have never had number balloons. So, I'll be asking for cash for my $4,400
#78
#79
Kira Okah 11 months ago (edited)
Because they are essentially that, pringle shaped chocolate.
Load More Replies... Kylie 11 months ago
Never had those but they look like something where I'd eat the whole pack.
#81
James016 11 months ago
Did you ever notice on gameshows like Bullseye than if the contestants won the big prize it was some home appliance like a new fridge but if they lost, the show wheeled out a speedboat saying that this is what they would have won.
Ace 11 months ago (edited)
The speedboat, or sometimes caravan, as the star prize always baffled me. Was always like: live in a grotty terraced house somewhere in the industrial north of England, WTF am I going to do with a speedboat?
Load More Replies... greenideas 11 months ago
That would be me, because I don't actually believe I won unless I see the money in my account.
#83
Rachel Parker 11 months ago
Never. It goes, like this: - I’m a kid and I partly believe this stuff and partly it’s fun. Adult, I’m busy I can’t think about changing my habits. Middle Age, I’m tired and I hate everybody and saying hello to a magpie is one c***k in the misery. Old, I don’t give a s**t, I’ll say hello to whoever I blinking want.
Rachel Parker 11 months ago
Wow, they made the word c-hin-k worse. It’s a word for ‘gap’ not a slur.
Load More Replies... #84
Ashley Backman 11 months ago
I really like your name for some reason. Idk it's just really cool to me.
Load More Replies... #85
Kim Charles 11 months ago
Magic stars! I always stock up when imitating England... we need them in Australia
Kylie 11 months ago
OOh. Your packaging is way better than ours (and I've never seen the stars or rolls). US junk food is so boring.
Fat Harry (Oi / You) 11 months ago
I'm fairly sure that Milky Way is a different bar in the US to UK. I think what you call a Milky Way we call a Mars Bar, and what we call a Milky Way, you call a 3 Musketeers.
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#87
#88
Content Wombat 11 months ago
But, I only like Ready Salted. All the other flavours aren't very tasty.
Apatheist Account2 11 months ago
There were, and the name has just stuck. I don't think one can get the "salt 'n' shake" type any more.
Load More Replies... James D 11 months ago
This week ,we had an ice breaker in a meeting, and someone said their favourite crisp was ready salted! Didnt listen to a single word they said after that point!
Ace 11 months ago
That was not a real person, just an AI bot of some sort.
Load More Replies... Glix Drap 11 months ago
Remember when you had to salt your own crisps with the little blue packet?
#89
Darryl Martin 11 months ago
It's a quiz show that ends with two contestants having to choose whether to split the prize with the other contestant or to steal it all for themselves. If both choose to split, they split it. If both choose to steal they both get nothing. If one chooses to split and the other chooses to steal, the person who chooses to steal gets everything. It was honestly brutal.
Janissary35680 11 months ago
So essentially quiz-gamified "Prisoner's Dilemma". https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prisoner%27s_dilemma
Load More Replies... Michael Largey 11 months ago
Then definitely I am no more, have ceased to be, am bereft of life, rest in peace, and am an ex-panda. (No, I'm not pining for the fjords!)
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What do you think ?
Kylie 11 months ago (edited)
These weren't bad. We need more of this and less of the 'Americans are idiots" and celebrity who the hell cares ones.
Cathy Roberts 11 months ago
I feel like BP is legally obligated not to mention anything positive about the US. And, I'd complain about it if we hadn't just proven them right in November.
Load More Replies... 
Serena Myers 11 months ago
Hilarious? Ok, depends on your definition of the word, I suppose. Still, 5/10 for effort. Must improve!
Gustav Gallifrey 11 months ago
What's with this 'subscribe or you can't read the final item posted' s**t? What's next, BP starts taking hostages?
Will Cable 11 months ago
Bugs me that a month supply of tablets is classed as 28.. 7 months of the year have 31 days. I feel cheated
Janissary35680 11 months ago
The inconsistency is one reason why medicines tend to be prescribed in multiple-weekly (7-day) cycles rather than "monthly".
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UKGrandad 11 months ago
And when did Ricky Gervais say anything even remotely like that? Show me a quote or a link to a quote.
Load More Replies... Kylie 11 months ago (edited)
These weren't bad. We need more of this and less of the 'Americans are idiots" and celebrity who the hell cares ones.
Cathy Roberts 11 months ago
I feel like BP is legally obligated not to mention anything positive about the US. And, I'd complain about it if we hadn't just proven them right in November.
Load More Replies... Serena Myers 11 months ago
Hilarious? Ok, depends on your definition of the word, I suppose. Still, 5/10 for effort. Must improve!
Gustav Gallifrey 11 months ago
What's with this 'subscribe or you can't read the final item posted' s**t? What's next, BP starts taking hostages?
Will Cable 11 months ago
Bugs me that a month supply of tablets is classed as 28.. 7 months of the year have 31 days. I feel cheated
Janissary35680 11 months ago
The inconsistency is one reason why medicines tend to be prescribed in multiple-weekly (7-day) cycles rather than "monthly".
Load More Replies... UKGrandad 11 months ago
And when did Ricky Gervais say anything even remotely like that? Show me a quote or a link to a quote.
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