Never-Thought-Would-Have-To-Say-Grown-Adults-Health-CarePrimary Care Doc here, here’s a few of my favorite things I’ve had to tell patients Please leave your marijuana/pipe/joint/paraphernalia in your vehicle or at home; don’t bring it to your appointment You don’t need to bring a hunting knife to your appointment. No I can’t write you a letter saying your rabbit is a service animal so you can fly it around the country with you for free. Showing up drunk to an 8am appointment and asking me to prescribe you Xanax doesn’t get you Xanax I am not qualified to tell you how much masturbation is too much masturbation. It is not my job to teach your adolescent son about how to get a girlfriend. Your medicine only works when you take it. I’m not going to give you my cell phone number Women are doctors too No I can’t just remove your gallbladder in the office; I’m also not a surgeon. You shouldn’t be taking your friend’s/mom’s/grandma’s medication. You can’t just ‘pull your panties to the side’ for a Pap smear ....and the list goes on and on
Never-Thought-Would-Have-To-Say-Grown-Adults-Health-CareYes, your babies need to be fed through the night. They are not born eating three meals a day and sleeping 10 hours a night. Please, dear God, wake up and feed them.
Never-Thought-Would-Have-To-Say-Grown-Adults-Health-CareNo, belly button lint is not a reason to go to the emergency room via ambulance
Never-Thought-Would-Have-To-Say-Grown-Adults-Health-CareI worked in obstetrics for many years. I was taking care of a woman in her late twenties, definitely not a teen mom, married, with a job. She got to 10 centimeters so I did my usual speech about how to push effectively. She nods and pushes when I tell her and she did great, really moved the baby down. I’m excited but I notice she’s whispering to her husband. He looks at me and says “ so why do you want her to do that?” I was a bit taken aback and very slowly explained that she had to that to get the baby out. She asked if I was kidding. At this point I feel like I’m the butt of a practical joke, but it didn’t stop. He kept asking if there wasn’t “a better way to do it” and muttering that I was being ridiculous. She continued to push and thankfully didn’t take long because she kept rolling her eyes at me. I was thrilled to hand this lovely couple off to the doctor. They looked slightly more convinced when he told her to do exactly what I had told her to do and then a baby magically appeared. If she’d ended up in a c section I’m sure she’d have been convinced I had done it all to torture her. How does a woman make it into adulthood in normal society without knowing you have to push a baby out? And then there was the time a woman got mad when I told her there was absolutely no way we could do her cesarean laparoscopically.
Never-Thought-Would-Have-To-Say-Grown-Adults-Health-CareDon't douche with bleach. Patient had mixed bleach, fabric softener, dawn dishsoap, vinegar, and some water (just in case) and burned the bejeezus out of herself after having a baby 3 weeks prior because she was convinced people could smell her. She douched with it multiple times and came in when the burning toned down. Sent off to gynecological surgeon and never seen again.
Never-Thought-Would-Have-To-Say-Grown-Adults-Health-CareUsually goes along with after a car accident and their kids weren't in car seats/seatbelts, how their kids... NEED TO BE IN [FRIGGIN] CAR SEATS... But it's summer so a more seasonal example is the following: Me- "So whats the problem today?" Them- "I don't know what's going on! I can't breath! I'm having a seizure!" Me- "Hmmm.. has this ever happened before? T- "Yea usually when I smoke crystal meth" Me- "Did you smoke crystal meth today?" T- "Yea, like 30 min ago. Why?" Me- "...."
Worked in an optical practice in the UK. Man comes in complaining of bad vision. His asigmatism has increased by like 3 diopters. That's a [friggin] load and definitely shouldn't happen. Optician retested using different kit. Same result. Told him to come back in a week and we will retest it. This time we're looking at 4 diopters. They freak out. Recheck again, another optician checks it. Same result. They run through health, smoking, drinking, medicine. Nothing out of the ordinary. The guy looks stressed as [hell] put his head in his hands and put his thumbs against the side of his eyes. The optician asks if he does that a lot. Apparently whenever he's stressed he pushes the sides of his eyes. He's done it so much that he has physically changed the front of his eyeball and ruined his vision. We told him to stop doing that. Never thought we'd have to tell another human being to not squeeze their own eyeballs. Also had to tell a kid to not look at laser pointers, but he was just dumb as [crap].