Enough with the child-appropriate humor! It's time for some dirt and filth that we all secretly crave—dirty dad jokes, X-rated jokes, and corny jokes for adults that would not be so school-appropriate. And don't be shy; even if you don't like (lies) filthy adult jokes, you must admit that you at least find them funny. Hey, your secret is safe with us.
If you ever find yourself in a gathering with no child nearby where you don’t need to come up with family-friendly jokes, cracking filthy jokes is one way to liven up the party. The Susan of the group might give you a disapproving face, but heck, you better believe that she'll surely go see a priest after because she totally got the joke. It doesn't necessarily mean that all adult jokes are of a sexual nature. Okay, most of them are, but hey, that's why we love them.
Below, we gathered some of the filthiest, dirtiest, or simply funniest jokes of the day that the little ones would be better off not hearing. Do you know any more dirty jokes? Have a personal favorite go-to joke? Share it with others!
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"My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her."
"Today, I asked my phone “Siri, why am I still single?” and it activated the front camera."
"Today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face. My parents are the worst."
Why is it that if you donate a kidney, people love you. But if you donate five kidneys, they call the police.
It's like donating blood. They always ask those stupid questions.... "Whose blood is it? Why is it in a bucket?" I stopped doing this.
"I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies. She is not “fun to be around.”"
Dark humor is like food. Not everyone gets it.
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
"The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved."
"My senior relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying things like, “You’ll be next!” They stopped once I started doing the same to them at funerals."
My grief counselor died. He was so good, I don’t even care.
"I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy."
“I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.
Son: “Dad, did you get the results of the DNA test back?”
Dad: “Call me George.”
What is the worst combination of illnesses?
Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where.
"My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow."
If you were born in September, it's pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.
"I was drinking a martini and the waitress screamed “does anyone know CPR?” I yelled, “I know the entire alphabet” and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except for one person."
"I visited my new friend in his apartment. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors."
"My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?"
Her dog after you broke it's back legs? You sound like that kind of guy, Jerry!
"As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe my budding career as a tour guide was not the right choice."
"I'll never forget my Grandfather’s last words to me just before he died. "Are you still holding the ladder?""
I remember the last words my grandfather told me right before he kicked the bucket. He said "Wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?"
Wife: “I want another baby.”
Husband: “That’s a relief, I also really don’t like this one.”
A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. "You can't cut me down," the tree exclaims, "I'm a talking tree!" The man responds, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."
Option 1: Let’s eat grandma.
Option 2: Let’s eat, grandma.
There you have it. Proof that punctuation saves lives.
Priest: “Do you have any last requests?”
Murderer sitting in the electric chair: “Yes. Can you please hold my hand?”
Bwa ha ha! If he holds one of those bad catholic priests hands it might be enough to get him into heaven! 😏
Why are cigarettes good for the environment?
They kill people.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it leaves you and never comes back.
Why does a mermaid wear seashells?
Because she outgrew her B-shells!
You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.
Man: “Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?”
Doctor: “To the morgue.”
Man: “What? But I’m not dead yet!”
Doctor: “And we’re not there yet.”
For Sale: Parachute. Used once, never opened, small stain.
"I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He later told me it was the most violent book he’d ever read."
My girlfriend’s dog died, so I bought her another, identical one. She just screamed at me and said: “What am I meant to do with two dead dogs?!?”
How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, they all sit in the dark and cry.
"It’s important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive."
"I tried to warn my son about playing Russian roulette. It went in one ear and out the other."
What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?
They just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out."
"The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family."
"I got a job at a library, but it only lasted 15 minutes. Turns out, books about women’s rights shouldn’t go in the Sci-Fi / Fantasy section."
"They laughed at my crayon drawing. I laughed at their chalk outline."
"I made a website for orphans. It doesn’t have a home page."
"Today was the worst day of my life. My ex got hit by a school bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver."
Do you know the phrase “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure”?
Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted.
Where did Joe go after getting lost on a minefield?
Everywhere.
Joe is really spreading himself too thin these days. He needs to pull himself together a d get back on the straight and narrow!
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
"I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage."
"I love telling jokes about orphans. What are they going to do, tell their parents?"
Why did the man miss the funeral?
He wasn’t a mourning person.
"When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on outings."
Why did the old man fall into the well?
Because he couldn’t see that well.
Want to know how you make any salad into a caesar salad?
Stab it twenty-three times.
"I work with animals," the guy says to his Tinder date. "That's so sweet," she replies. "I like a man who loves animals. Where do you work?" "I'm a butcher," he says.
Why are friends a lot like snow?
If you pee on them, they disappear.
"I thought opening a door for a lady was good manners, but she just screamed and flew out of the plane."
"To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state."
"I started crying when dad was cutting onions. Onions was such a good dog."
Never break someone's heart, they only have one of those. Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces.
“I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.” – Chris Rock
"My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. So I unplugged his life support."
"It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. But, I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey."
When ordering food at a new restaurant, my wife asked the waiter what they do to prepare their chicken.“Nothing special,” he explained. “We just tell them they’re going to die.”
What’s the difference between a baby and a sweet potato?
About 140 calories.
How many babies does it take to paint a wall....depends on how hard you throw them
My wife left a note on the fridge saying, “this is not working”. I don’t know what she’s talking about, the fridge is working fine.
I'm still waiting for her to come back and explain that note 8 years later 🤷🏻😔😒
"If you think I would joke about Alzheimer’s, forget it."
"I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess."
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad?
Lettuce alone without dressing.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn’t matter what you call him, he won’t come anyway.
Cremation. My final hope for a smokin’ hot body!
Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens?
When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, "Bach, Bach, Bach."
Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”
Patient: “OK.”
Dentist: “I’m having an affair with your wife.”
Uh, thinks that's more than a little! A little would be something like, your fly has been open all day, or no one actually likes you signature drink! Yikes! 😬
"I just got my doctor's test results and I'm really upset about it. Turns out, I'm not gonna be a doctor."
I was shocked when I found out my toaster was not waterproof.
What did the woman with no hands get for Christmas?
No idea. She hasn’t opened her present yet.
"My favorite Disney movie is The Hunchback of Notre Dame. I love a hero with a twisted back story."
“British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!” – Jimmy Carr
Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight. Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions.
Stop elephant poaching. Everyone knows the best way to eat an elephant is grilled.
I’ll never forget my dad’s last words. “Erase my search history, son.”
"I read a book about an immortal dog. It was impossible to put down."
What’s worse than biting into an apple and discovering a worm?
Biting into an apple and discovering half a worm.
Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.
what do you get with a Lamborghine and a lamp? a Lambogenie! (ill downvote myself on the way out)
Doctor: “You’ll be at peace soon.”
Man: “Am I dying?”
Doctor: “No, your wife is.”
Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when you push them down the stairs.
When my Uncle Frank died, he wanted his cremations to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was, to be Frank in Stein.
The cemetery is so crowded. People are just dying to get in.
"My grandfather lost his tongue during WW2. He never talks about it."
What did the Titanic say as it sank?
I’m nominating all passengers for the Ice Bucket Challenge!
Sorry, what’s the quickest way to get to the hospital?
Easy, just stand in the middle of a busy road.
If someone burns to death, do they get a discount at the crematorium?
Watching my daughter at the park earlier. Another parent asked, “Which one is yours?” I replied, “I’m still deciding.”
What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip-off!
Knock, Knock!
Who's There?
Howie!
Howie who?
Howie gonna hide this dead body?
“Swimming is good for you, especially if you’re drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout, but you also don’t die.”
"My father always used to say, “What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger,” – ’til the accident."
Did you hear about the constipated accountant?
He couldn't budget, so he had to work it out with a paper and pencil.
"I know a fish that can breakdance! Only for 20 seconds though, and only once."
"My grandfather was the type of person who never threw anything away. He died in World War II holding on to a hand grenade."
Why can’t Michael Jackson go within 500 meters of a school?
Because he’s dead.
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom.
A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!”
"The doctor gave me some cream for my skin rash. He said I was a sight for psoriasis."
"My wife and I have decided we don’t want children. The only problem is we already have three."
“If you’re choking in a restaurant you can just say the magic words, “Heimlich maneuver,” and all will be well. Trouble is, it’s difficult to say “Heimlich maneuver” when you’re choking to death.”
Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
i was about to downvote you then i got it. congratulations, you get an upvote instead
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i was about to downvote you then i got it. congratulations, you get an upvote instead
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