While they are not always as exciting as jokes for adults, squeaky clean jokes can absolutely crack up even the most reserved, stoic person. The place you’re going to use these will most likely be at family gatherings, just to keep that family-friendly space welcoming for both adults and children.
So, if you’re short of funny clean jokes, look no further, as this list has everything you might possibly need. From short jokes to longer ones, they will surely help you keep your audience laughing their stomachs out. Perhaps you’ll even take them to a concert? You know, the one that only costs 45 cents? I’m sure your family and friends would love a 50 Cent concert featuring Nickelback.
It’s our great pleasure to share these clean funny jokes with you, and hopefully bring a lot of laughter into your household. So get ready to dive into this vast ocean of clean jokes, take a boat ride through, and let us know which jokes are the best. Share them with family and friends, and put some laughter into their lives with this list.
Can February march?
No, but April may.
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What concert only costs 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickleback.
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When does a joke become a ‘dad’ joke?
When it becomes apparent.
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George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Matthew McConaughey get together to make a movie.
Clooney says, “I’ll direct.”
DiCaprio says, “I’ll act.”
McConaughey says, “I’ll write, I’ll write, I’ll write.”
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What do you call malware on a Kindle?
A bookworm.
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Why are crabs so bad at sharing?
Because they’re all shellfish.
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What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?
Prime mates.
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Some people eat snails. They must not like fast food.
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People think "icy" is the easiest word to spell. Come to think of it, I see why.
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A grasshopper sits down at a bar. The bartender says, "We have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper replies, "Who names a drink 'Steve?'"
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Why is no one friends with Dracula? Because he's a pain in the neck.
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What do dentists call their x-rays?
Tooth pics!
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You know, it was so cold in D.C. the other day, I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.
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I told my friend ten jokes to make him laugh.
Sadly, no pun in ten did.
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I googled “Rorshach test.”
But for some reason, all that came up were pictures of my parents fighting.
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A Roman legionnaire walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says, “Five beers, please.”
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A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for books about paranoia. She whispers, "They're right behind you!"
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What time does a duck wake up? The quack of down.
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It's always windy in a sports arena. All those fans...
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What do we want?
Low-flying airplane noises!
When do we want them?
Nnnnneeeeeeeeeeoooooooooow!
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Someone stole my mood ring yesterday.
I still don’t know how I feel about that.
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Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they’re gonna pay.
You have my Word.
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Why are frogs always so happy?
They eat whatever bugs them.
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Why didn’t the skeleton go to the dance?
Because he had no body to go with.
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What do you call a belt with a watch on it?
A waist of time.
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Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn? Because he always has a great fall.
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What do you call a pile of kittens? A meowntain.
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Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.
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How does a dog stop a video? By hitting the paws button!
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What's the easiest way to get straight As? Use a ruler.
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What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, the other's a little lighter.
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What's sticky and brown? A stick!
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What gets wetter the more it dries?
A towel.
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You know why you never see elephants hiding up in trees?
Because they’re really good at it.
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What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste, mostly.
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And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life.”
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
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What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn’t matter, it’s not going to come anyway.
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You know what they say about cliffhangers…
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What is worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing taxis!
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What bow can't be tied? A rainbow!
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My teachers told me I'd never amount to much because I procrastinate so much. I told them, "Just you wait!"
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What's a balloon's least favorite type of music? Pop.
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I used to be addicted to not showering. Luckily, I've been clean for five years.
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What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
Nothing, it just waved.
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Do you want to hear a construction joke?
Sorry, I’m still working on it.
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What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business.
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Why should you never trust stairs?
They’re always up to something.
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Why did the bullet end up losing his job?
He got fired.
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What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
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What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor?
“Make me one with everything.”
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How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his pizza before it was cool.
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Why don’t blind people skydive?
Because it scares their dogs.
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I stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was.
Then it dawned on me.
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Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
Of course! The Empire State Building can’t jump.
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A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Hey!”
The horse replies, “Sure.”
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How much space will be freed in the EU after Brexit?
Approximately 1 GB.
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Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay?
Because then they’d be bagels.
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What did the tie say to the hat?
You go on ahead. I’ll hang around.
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I’ve been trying to make a sarcastic club, but it’s been really hard to tell if people are interested in joining or not.
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I tried to catch fog yesterday.
Mist.
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Whenever you jump on a trampoline, did you know it changes the season?
No matter what time of year, it always becomes spring time.
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What happened when a faucet, a tomato, and some lettuce ran a race together?
The lettuce was ahead, the faucet was running, and the tomato was trying to ketchup.
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What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
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Why do comedians love eggs?
They’re easy to crack up.
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What should you do if you're attacked by a group of clowns? Go straight for the juggler.
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A cement mixer and a prison bus crashed on the highway. Police advise citizens to look out for a group of hardened criminals.
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I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
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I saw a movie about how ships are put together. It was riveting.
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A man walks into a library and orders a hamburger. The librarian says, "This is a library." The man apologizes and whispers, "I'd like a hamburger, please."
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Why did the taxi driver get fired? Passengers didn't like it when she went the extra mile.
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How do you look for Will Smith in the snow? Just follow the fresh prints.
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Which rock group has four guys who can't sing or play instruments? Mount Rushmore.
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Have you heard the one about the skunk? Never mind, it really stinks.
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How do mountains stay warm in the winter? Snowcaps.
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What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down? It gets toad away.
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What did the nose say to the finger? Quit picking on me!
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How many tickles does it take to make an Octopus laugh? Ten-tickles.
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Comic Sans walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve your type here."
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Have you heard about Murphy's Law?
Yes. Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.
How about Cole's Law?
No. It's julienned cabbage in a creamy dressing.
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Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon?
It had great food, but no atmosphere.
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Why is Peter Pan always flying?
Because he Neverlands.
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I took the shell off of my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster.
But if anything, it made him more sluggish.
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You: What cartoon mouse walks on two feet?
Them: Mickey Mouse.
You: What duck walks on two feet?
Them: Donald Duck.
You: No, all ducks do!
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Where should you go in the room if you’re feeling cold?
The corner — they’re usually 90 degrees.
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I couldn’t believe the highway department called my dad a thief.
But when I got home, the signs were all there.
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Why did the cowboy get a wiener dog?
He wanted to get a long little doggie.
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I tried to win a suntanning competition. But all I got was bronze.
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What kind of shoes does a spy wear?
Sneakers.
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Where do snowmen keep their savings?
In the snowbank.
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What do you call a religious person who sleepwalks?
A roamin’ Catholic.
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What did one elevator say to the other?
I think I’m coming down with something.
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What did Mr. and Mrs. Hamburger name their daughter?
Patty!
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How do you fix a broken gourd?
With a pumpkin patch.
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What did the beaver say to the tree?
“It’s been nice gnawing you.”
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Want to hear another roof joke?
It’s probably over your head.
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What do you get when you pour root beer into a square cup? Beer.
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What does the world's top dentist get? A little plaque.
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What did the green grape say to the purple grape? "Breathe, man! Breathe!"
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How does a farmer mend his overalls? With cabbage patches.
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Why was the tomato red? Because he saw the salad dressing.
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I got my husband a fridge for his birthday. His face lit up when he opened it.
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Why were they called the Dark Ages? Because there were lots of knights.
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How does NASA organize a party? They planet.
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What did the big flower say to the little flower? Hi bud!
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What did one toilet say to the other? You look flushed.
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Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
It was in tents!
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Why do ducks have feathers?
To cover their butt quacks!
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What kind of shorts do clouds wear?
Thunderpants.
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Where does a waitress with only one leg work?
IHOP.
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What does a house wear?
Address!
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Why are toilets always so good at poker?
They always get a flush.
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You heard the rumor going around about butter?
Never mind, I shouldn’t spread it.
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Two windmills are standing on a wind farm. One asks, ‘What’s your favorite kind of music?’
The other replies, ‘I’m a big metal fan.’
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What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
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What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?
You probably think it’s “R” but it be the “C”.
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How much teddy bears never want to eat anything?
Because they’re always stuffed.
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Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie.
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I can never take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him.
I guess that’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
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What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire.
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What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there’s a dog.
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As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field.
But hay, it’s in my jeans.
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Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized?
The doctors say it was due to too many strokes.
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How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it.
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What do you call a cow with a twitch?
Beef jerky.
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I started a new job as a tailor last week.
It’s been sew-sew.
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What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta.
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My wife accused me the other day of being too immature.
I told her there were no girls allowed in my fort.
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Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing.
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A sandwich walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”
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The sky was looking ominous so I asked Siri, “Surely, it’s not going to rain today?”
And she replied, “Yes it is, and don’t call me Shirley.”
That was when I realized I’d left my phone on Airplane mode.
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Why did the giraffe get such bad grades?
He always had his head stuck in the clouds.
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Did you hear about the carrot detective?
He always got to the root of every case.
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What washes up on very small beaches?
Micro-waves.
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What did the grape do when it got stepped on?
It let out a little wine.
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Why won’t skeletons fight each other?
They just don’t have the guts.
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What do you call a cheese that’s not yours?
Nacho cheese!
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Where do beef burgers go dancing?
The meatball.
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Why did bread break up with margarine?
Because he found a butter lover.
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Did you hear about the waffle iron with anger issues?
He just flipped.
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Why should you never tell a taco a secret?
Because they tend to spill the beans.
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Why do they serve yogurt at museums?
Because it’s cultured.
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What do you call a group of berries playing instruments?
A jam session.
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Why are jalapeños such good marksmen?
Because they haben-arrow.
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Why can you never gossip in a cornfield?
Too many ears.
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Where do sick fish go?
To the dock.
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Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That’s just how I roll.
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What do you call a droid that takes the long way around?
R2 detour.
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Want to hear a roof joke? The first one's on the house.
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Why don't koalas count as bears? They don't have the right koalafications.
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A group of crows was arrested for hanging out together. The charge? Attempted murder.
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What is the best day to go to the beach? Sunday, of course!
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I went into a store to buy some books about turtles. "Hardbacks?" asked the shopkeeper."Yes," I replied. "And they have little heads, too."
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How do you measure a snake?
In inches — they don’t have feet.
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A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Why the long face?”
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What did the duck say when it bought some lipstick?
“Put it on my bill.”
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Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?
Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.
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I got a new job last week as the new top dog at Old MacDonald’s farm.
I’m the new C-I-E-I-O.
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What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.
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