For someone who feasts on human brains every chance they get, you’d think zombies should be as smart as your average Brainy McBrain. However, literature and pop culture decided that no matter how many body parts you eat, you’ll still be just a moany, slightly rotten, limping scarecrow! Now, although that does seem a bit illogical, it doesn’t mean there aren’t any cool jokes to be made about zombies. On the contrary! The less logic, the better! And, if you’d like to see if this hypothesis is right, we invite you to check out our selection of these glorious zombie jokes that got us laughing, moaning, and hee-hawing.
So, besides some high-quality jokes about zombies, we’ve been thorough enough to scour the internets for some zombie puns, too. Who could resist the brain-grain one, anyway? Definitely not us, and we hope these cute puns intermingled with some spooky jokes will also tickle your funny bone as much as it did ours! And for those who just can’t imagine cute and zombie placed in the same sentence, there are also loads of appropriately creepy Halloween jokes too. What’s Halloween without a zombie, and what’s a zombie without a hilarious joke?
Now, the zombie jokes are just a smidgen further down - you should definitely check them out! Once you are done with that, give the best jokes your vote and share this article with anyone who you think might enjoy them as much as you!
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Why do many zombies go to sleep early?
They are dead tired.
"If the zombie apocalypse ever happens, I'm just going to surround my house with outward facing treadmills. I should be fine."
Who do zombies avoid eating, and why?
Clowns, because they taste funny!
What does a zombie do when he’s sick?
He groans and coffins!
Which is a zombie’s favorite room in a house?
The living room!
"Got attached by zombies but they didn't hurt me. Fortunately, they were looking for brains."
Where did zombies go for a family meal?
Headquarters.
Stand-up comedy is a great gig for a zombie. Either they are dying up there, or they are killing it.
What do vegetarian zombies eat?
Graaaiinss!!
Humans get arrested under Miranda rights, but what do zombies get arrested under?
Habeas Corpus people!
If the Joker actor was the only zombie in a web series what would it be called?
The Joaquin Dead.
What would happen if the apocalypse were to happen in Vegas?
Whatever happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.
Why was the zombie sad?
Because he just wanted to be with zombodie he loved!
"I stabbed a vampire, beat zombies to death and killed devil itself... my wife rushes through the room and shouts, 'You're supposed to give them candies, Frank!'"
Do you know where zombies live?
On dead-end streets!
Which sea do zombies swim in?
The Dead Sea!
What did the cowboy zombie who keeps talking about the apocalypse tell me when I met him?
He said the end is neigh!
During the zombie apocalypse, what would be the most secure place on earth?
Washington DC. They haven't got any brains down there.
Why is the population of Eastern Europe never really worried about the lack of food in the event that the Zombies decide to rise?
Because they can always cook-up a nice pot of ghoul-ash.
Where should people go in case the zombies decide to rise?
The retirement home, no one there's gonna have the teeth to take a bite at you.
Why did the policeman lock the zombie up for the night after pulling him over?
Because the zombie couldn’t walk in a straight line.
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Why did the zombie have to consult a behavioral therapist?
Because he couldn’t control his urges to eat brains!
What did the zombie give his girlfriend for Valentine’s Day?
A box of brains and a deady bear!
Why won’t zombies enter beauty pageants?
Because they believe that beauty is only skin deep!
What the name of the 1940’s hit song zombies love to listen to?
"Diamonds are a ghoul’s best friend!"
Why is the deep south US the safest place to relocate during the zombie apocalypse?
Toothless zombies can't bite.
What kind of apocalypse would be best for the economy?
A zombie apocalypse, because zombies are great consumers!
Why did the zombie get a job in the ICU?
Because he was a vegetarian.... ok I'll see my way out.
Why hasn't the zombie apocalypse happened already?
Someone's really been dragging their feet on that.
"As soon as the Zombie Apocalypse hits. I'm grabbing a sledgehammer and heading down to the local cemetery for the greatest game of Whack-A-Mole ever."
What should you do at a Halloween party if a zombie rolls their eyes at you?
Roll them back to them!
What did the zombie say when he was asked why he eats brains?
"A mind is a terrible thing to go to waste."
During the apocalypse, what did the stupid children say to each other?
"Zombies usually eat brains, you are in all probability safe."
What did the zombie say about drinking blood?
"Blood is really warm. It's like drinking hot chocolate but with more screaming."
What did the zombies say when asked why they haven't risen yet?
The zombie say that someone has been dragging at that task for quite a long time.
How did the zombie feel about meeting his long-distance girlfriend for the first time?
He was dying to meet her!
A single zombie is scary, but a row of zombies forms something even scarier... a deadline.
What do Zombies think when they see someone with a red hat and no mask?
That's a no brainer.
Zombie got bitten by a theoretical physicist. Now he goes around saying: "Branes, branes, branes..."
A vampire, a zombie, and a ghost are at a party. The ghost gets something to eat, then immediately asks the zombie where the bathroom is. The ghost does his business, and returns to get some more food. He has some more to eat, then excuses himself to the restroom with the vampire. When he gets back, the zombie asks if the ghost is feel all right. The ghost replies, “I’m fine, the food’s just going right through me.”
"So I watched a zombie movie recently. The survivors boarded themselves in an old furniture store. They had a nice camp setup with beds, lounges, workbenches, and thrived for several years. At least until the virus mutated and jumped to inanimate objects. Then the tables turned..."
A zombie was roaming through the woods looking for something to eat. He came across two men - one sitting under a tree and reading a book, & the other typing away on his typewriter. The zombie quickly pounced on the man reading the book and started to devour him. Because even a brain dead zombie knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
A zombie walks into a brain store. On the shelves, a pound of C++ programmers brain sells for $500, of Java programmers $1000 and of PHP programmers $1,000,000. The zombie gets confused and asks the store owner why PHP programmers brain is so much more expensive. The owner says "Do you know how many PHP programmers I kill to get one pound of brain?"
Why was the zombie comedian boo-ed off stage?
Because most of the jokes he said had gone bad.
If Batman was infected during a zombie apocalypse what would he say on seeing one of his arch-nemesis destroying Gotham?
"BANEEEEE!"
Why did the zombie lose the quiz show?
Because he kept saying the answer to each question was brains.
Loved the Korean zombie movie "Train to Busan" and can't wait for it's sequel to come out?
Then catch a train to Wuhan.
The Pentagon has a plan for combating a real life zombie apocalypse. They plan on requesting the aliens to stop the zombie film shooting.
"I asked the hotel checkout girl, 'Do you provide turndown service?' She said, 'Sure. I wouldn't go out with you if you were the last guy on earth after the zombie apocalypse and your saliva contained the antidote.'"
