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Hey Pandas, Am I Making A Mistake By Leaving My Polyamorous Partner?
Moderator’s note:
If you find yourself disagreeing with this person’s actions, we encourage you not to downvote the post. Instead, kindly express your opinions in the comments. We recommend maintaining politeness and articulating your thoughts with well-constructed arguments.
I (30F) am currently dating a man (39M) who practices polyamory. What drew me to him was his honesty. When we met, he told me that he would like to get to know me better, but I should also know that he is in a polyamorous relationship with four other women. I was surprised, but I appreciated his honesty. I told him I’d consider it if he first acquired the consent of his partners, since I’m against cheating. He agreed, and with the permission of his partners, we started dating.
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It has only been a year, and he has been so amazing
Image credits: Octavio Fossatti (not the actual photo)
He is loving and attentive, and shares his time equally with all his partners. He has been open and speaks about them with great respect. They have been accepting of me, too.
The problem is that I am a monogamist at heart
Image credits: Andrew Neel (not the actual photo)
I know that he has no intention of leaving them, and nor do I want him to, because he loves them, and they love him too. I have no intention of breaking up relationships.
I also know that he will eventually date new women.
My problem is that it hurts to see him with his partners
Image credits: Tom Caillarec (not the actual photo)
I really don’t know how the other women cope in this type of relationship, as they have been with him for years. I do love him, but I don’t think I am secure enough with myself to continue.
Would I be making a mistake if I left him, given that he has been so honest and was upfront from the beginning?
Moderator’s note:
Please note that the images included in this article are for illustrative purposes only and do not represent the actual individuals or items discussed in the story.
If you have a comparable experience or story you’d like to tell, we welcome your submissions. Click here to share your story with Bored Panda.
Poll Question
What would you advise the woman in the article to do regarding her relationship?
Stay and try to adapt to polyamory
Leave and seek a monogamous relationship
Have a open conversation about her feelings
Take a break to reassess her feelings
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What do you think ?
Donkey boi 7 months ago
Yes! If you are not poly, you don't belong in a poly relationship. You're not cut out for it and will only end up getting hurt. You've already admitted it's happening already. Best just be honest with him and end it while you still respect each other.
Manel Ibáñez 7 months ago (edited)
Nobody is naturally polyamorous without undergoing personal growth. Our upbringing and society often condition us to believe that love requires exclusivity, and we are constantly exposed to an irrational fear of being replaced if this principle isn't adhered to. Overcoming these ingrained beliefs takes significant time and effort, and it’s a necessary step for cultivating healthy polyamorous relationships. It's perfectly okay if you choose not to pursue this path, but please don’t base your decision solely on how comfortable you feel with something new that no one has taught you how to navigate. It's also a valid option to take the time to learn, grow, experiment, and then decide.
Sarah 7 months ago
I am with a partner who is polyamorous. When we first got together, I was very unsure of things. Now, five years and a toddler later, we are still together, and I am incredibly happy. I have learned a lot about myself and what makes a strong relationship. That being said, if someone is having these kind of doubts after a year, it may be time to decide if this is the kind of relationship you are able to be a part of. It isn't for everyone. The most important thing is that you are honest (with your partner(s) and with yourself) about how you feel , and that you are happy. Life is too short not to be.
Weasel Wise 7 months ago
If you're not comfortable, that's totally okay, and OP needs to leave the relationship. It isn't fair to the others in the relationship (nor to yourself) to be saddled to someone who isn't even sure they wanna fully be there.
Donkey boi 7 months ago
Yes! If you are not poly, you don't belong in a poly relationship. You're not cut out for it and will only end up getting hurt. You've already admitted it's happening already. Best just be honest with him and end it while you still respect each other.
Manel Ibáñez 7 months ago (edited)
Nobody is naturally polyamorous without undergoing personal growth. Our upbringing and society often condition us to believe that love requires exclusivity, and we are constantly exposed to an irrational fear of being replaced if this principle isn't adhered to. Overcoming these ingrained beliefs takes significant time and effort, and it’s a necessary step for cultivating healthy polyamorous relationships. It's perfectly okay if you choose not to pursue this path, but please don’t base your decision solely on how comfortable you feel with something new that no one has taught you how to navigate. It's also a valid option to take the time to learn, grow, experiment, and then decide.
Sarah 7 months ago
I am with a partner who is polyamorous. When we first got together, I was very unsure of things. Now, five years and a toddler later, we are still together, and I am incredibly happy. I have learned a lot about myself and what makes a strong relationship. That being said, if someone is having these kind of doubts after a year, it may be time to decide if this is the kind of relationship you are able to be a part of. It isn't for everyone. The most important thing is that you are honest (with your partner(s) and with yourself) about how you feel , and that you are happy. Life is too short not to be.
Weasel Wise 7 months ago
If you're not comfortable, that's totally okay, and OP needs to leave the relationship. It isn't fair to the others in the relationship (nor to yourself) to be saddled to someone who isn't even sure they wanna fully be there.
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