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50 Moments In Which Women Realized They Wouldn’t Be Marrying Their Partner
Interview With Expert
In relationships, there’s always the possibility that you’re looking at your partner through rose-colored glasses. Affection, chemistry, and attractive physical attributes of your significant other can sometimes make you blind to their flaws that could be deal-breakers in the long run. So how can you know for sure that the person you’re with is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with?
While there’s no definitive answer to this question, women in this thread recently discussed some things that, according to them, should be relationship red flags. Scroll down to find them, and make sure to upvote those that, in your eyes, don’t fit the marriage material definition.
While you're at it, don't forget to check out a conversation with relationship experts Emily Marriott, LMHC, LPC, and Dr. Deb Castaldo, who kindly agreed to share the marriage non-negotiables from an expert point of view.
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
Told me he wanted to make sure we looked good for engagement photos so he didn’t want to propose till I lost 50-80lbs. Since ya know, we’ll remember that day forever. Why wouldn’t you want to look “good” right?
Shortly after I lost 210lbs of dead weight and then my own 80lbs
RELATED:
#2
We were 2 months into dating and we were at the local bar.. I was getting up to go to the toilet and he was talking to his friend.. he casually put his hand on my shoulder pushing me back into my seat asking "Where are you going, Im talking." I went to the toilet, paid my bill and left.
#3
After we moved in together he always pushed my cats away. They loved him and are lap cats. He immediately stopped letting them sit on his lap. I knew then it would never be serious. We're a package deal. To love me is to love them
The decision to marry someone shouldn't be taken lightly. Even when a person is sure they want to spend the rest of their life with someone, there are things they should consider before diving into a lifelong commitment.
"Couples should consider their 'non-negotiables,' aka the things that they feel like they don't have wiggle room or flexibility around when it comes to their future partner or future relationship. A lot of these items reflect that person's values," says relationship expert Emily Marriott, LMHC, LPC.
Some examples include:
- Do they want children? If so, what timeline do they have in mind? What are their stances on women's access to healthcare regarding pregnancy? Are they open to adoption or IVF if becoming pregnant poses dangers/difficulties? How do they feel about childcare options? What do they imagine is their future parenting style?
- What's their narrative or relationship with finances and spending?
- What's their stance on divorce?
- What does being married mean/represent to them?
- What do they want to happen if a family member/parent falls ill and needs support?
#4
When I asked him why he treated others better than me and he said “because I know you won’t leave” without pause.
#5
He took a knife and cut part of my dogs nose. I was out at the time so I couldn't prove it was him bc he said my dog scratched up his own nose. A week later at night I woke to him trying to strangle my dog and I jumped him, shoved him outside my home and called his uncle to pick him up. That's was it for us. Nobody hurts my boy
#6
He said, “That’s women’s work,” when I asked him to help with the dishes. Instant disqualification.
"Having all of these conversations upfront helps establish a strong base moving forward so that when these life things come up, they've already been discussed—obviously leaving room for things to change over time and with varying circumstances," Marriott further explains.
Relationship expert Dr. Deb Castaldo agrees it's critical that couples have an open conversation about compatibility for the long term of marriage and adds these points to consider:
- Do you have the same overall values about life?
- Have you discussed religious/spiritual beliefs?
- Have you both observed and talked about each partner's health, mental health, financial habits, and family relationships?
- What are your life goals and dreams, and do they mostly match each other?
- Have you been open about your needs for intimacy, both sexual and non-sexual (affection)?
- How satisfied are you with your communication?
- How satisfied are you with how you solve conflicts and differences as a couple?
#7
I asked him to help me build my new bedframe and he said no, but that he could come over and watch me do it then lay in bed with me after. He's never been in that bed.
#8
Told me I should sell my assets to buy a new house that would house us (and his adult unemployed son), and for me to give up work so I could also be their carers. Can't make this s**t up.
#9
He seriously complained that I couldn’t carry the furniture as well as he did.
Excuse me — you’re bigger, taller, and clearly stronger? That moment cracked something open. Suddenly, all the other red flags I’d ignored came flooding in. The disqualification began.
However, if a partner exhibits signs of poor physical and mental health care, unstable emotional health, addictions to substances, or has a poor relationship and financial history, these are bright red flags that shouldn't be ignored, says Dr. Castaldo. "Most importantly, is the person willing to grow and change and let you, as the partner, change them as well?"
"[A red flag] is when that person is more focused on what a partner has to offer to them instead of what they have to offer to their partner—focused on their gains instead of what they're willing to give or what they can co-create with their partner, both in and out of the relationship," adds Marriott.
#10
Gay men aren't immune to terrible behavior either. I loaded the dishwasher Sunday night and flew out early Monday morning on a business trip.
When I got back Friday evening, the dishwasher still hadn't been emptied (garbage can was also full) and his new dirty dishes were just in the sink.
Snapped out of my feelings for him immediately.
#12
When he asked why I was being over dramatic about my periods. He said others have it too and why can't I sacrifice a bit. I have endometriosis :) and at that moment I just thought of how he would behave if I was pregnant, and I guess that was a good reason to leave him.
KatyDidIt 7 months ago
Endo-suffering sister here - if he can’t empathize, then he can walk on out the door. No need to have pain internally and externally. Like all afflictions/conditions/what-have-you, everyone has it to differing degrees. You deserve some a partner who isn’t going to knock you down with assumed comparisons.
But as we all know, no one is perfect, as cliché as it might sound. "If someone is a good person and has mostly good qualities, you have probably made a good choice," says Dr. Castaldo.
"The basics to look for: someone who is a good friend and companion with you, who is willing to communicate even when differences are problematic, whose care, concern, and support are consistent, and who values the bond of affection. These are the qualities that will give you a great chance at being fulfilled in love for a lifetime."
#13
When he told me he “picked” the other woman bc she can help make his dreams come true & I can’t. Right now, she’s paying all the bills. Seems he was looking for a provider too & I’ll drink the ocean thru a straw before I ever fully fund a man’s life.
SheamusFanFrom1987 7 months ago
DON'T! A real man will find a way to build and fund a life with you.
#14
We went to the movies and I accidentally dropped a candy wrapper. When I was in the process of bending down to pick it up, he stops me and says “leave it. someone gets paid to do that.”
Absolutely not.
(I picked up the wrapper and threw it away btw.)
#15
They called my hobbies/side hustle "your little arts and crafts thing"
I spin and knit very intricate, very delicate lace. I teach others to spin and weave, sew, etc. I teach/preserve/decolonize history of """women's work"""
I used to make wedding gowns, now I only do alterations for special people.
This s**t is my entire personality.
Their pettiness when called out on their (very real, reckless, disregarding, actual health hazardous) behavior was the final straw
(My current project)
If a person lacks marriage material qualities, partners shouldn't try to 'change' them, as they should be voluntarily willing to put the work in themselves.
"All too often, people close their eyes to who a person really is. One must usually observe for a few months to a year to discover a person's personality, habits, and potential as a partner or marriage material. It's my opinion that it is a trap to think that you can change someone who is a poor prospect for marriage into "marriage material," Dr. Castaldo says.
"A person needs to want to work on their own growth and development, you can't do it for them! What you see is what you get, so don't romanticize that someone can magically become the perfect God or Goddess."
#16
I felt more alone with him than without him.
#17
Told me "I'll drain your energy, and you won't be able to stop me." leaving him stopped it pretty quickly tho...
#18
Disrespected my trans friend. Immediate no thank you. Would never marry a bigot.
Lastly, she concludes by saying, "It's important to sit with yourself and contemplate what are the deeper qualities that you most desire in a relationship. It's not about how attractive or tall someone is, how funny they are, or how much money they have. Those factors do not contribute to the success of long-term love.
It's also important to think about how you were loved in your growing up, what nurturing did you receive, and what was missing. This is important because it is your blueprint for loving, and you will most likely repeat what you were taught about how to love."
#19
Every time I tried to express how I felt, he’d argue like we were in court, turning it into a debate instead of a conversation. He didn’t try to understand—he tried to win. That’s when I knew he lacked the emotional maturity and communication skills I’d need in a husband.
LakotaWolf (she/her) 7 months ago
Oh gods above, my ex is a lawyer. He talks like a lawyer. He debates and "argues" like a lawyer. He's exactly like the person OP is talking about. It's one of the many reasons why he's the ex. He ALWAYS had to be right, because he was always convinced he was right. He always had "facts" and "sources" to back himself up and was completely oblivious to the fact that sometimes, when it comes to feelings, emotions, or more serious things like depress!on and su!cidal ideation, "facts" aren't going to help. "Winning" the conversation isn't going to help.
#20
He was too possessive. He would literally show up at my job if I didn't answer my phone. I am a chef! I literally use both hands at all times! I just couldn't take it.
#21
"I would only marry you if you iron my Shirts" yeah, but No. "I will only marry a woman that stays at home for 3 years with the child (although my mom is at home, because she doesn't work)" If you want a stay-at-home wife, you should earn enough stay-at-home money, honey.
#22
He told me he couldn't promise me he'd never cheat on me because "you never know what might happen in life." We were already engaged.
BrownEyedPanda 7 months ago
Hand him his ring, cross the floor, wave bye-bye, and out the door.
#23
Constantly referred to my podcast as my “little project” - mind you I was generating thousands of dollars from it
BrownEyedPanda 7 months ago
Nothing like leveling your partner and destroying your relationship.
#24
I actually married this a**. But he told me: “You need therapy.”
Well, the therapist showed me it was him, not me, and we divorced.
#25
I asked him not to drive drunk, he blew up with “why don’t you trust me do you not love me” and threatened to k-ll us both by driving into a wall. When I got out of the car he hit me with it on purpose.
Called the police. They did nothing.
Lee Gilliland 7 months ago
Should have waited until he left the house drunk and then called the cops.
#26
said that it was normal for men ti cheat on their pregnant wives because by the time they were 7-8 months pregnant they wouldn’t be attractive anymore. broke up two months later.
#27
Make "jokes" about how he wouldn't cheat on me simply because he didn't want to pay the bills alone. He thought he was funny, I showed him I'm hilarious
#28
He said that I shouldn't be too excited and happy all the time.
And after that, I feel like I don't deserve to be excited and happy at all.
And right now I'm still trying to overcome that feeling. I DEFINITELY deserve to be happy, and I can always be excited about something small in my life.
And F**K HIM for making me lose my spark
Stannous Flouride 7 months ago
How sad for him that all his clouds have no silver linings. That you are able to recognize this for what it is shows that your spark is still there.
#29
When adding him to my life doubled the workload
#30
He said “ women do too much about their periods and they blame too much on their periods “
Ellinor 7 months ago
As I said in another post : Try having one of your organ shred itself and bleed out of you for 7 days each month during 40 years without being at least a bit moody. With of course the cramps, diarrhea, lower back pain, sore breasts, low energy, acne and bloating. Ah and I forgot the other 3 weeks of hormones and your body working to reconstruct that previously mentioned organ.
#31
Slap me because I used the wrong word infront of his parents. *that was my second language and I didn't know it was a "bad" word. Like I said I was pissed off by something and he slapped me.
#32
Told me that if his female friend said she wanted him, he dump me instantly. Go away, creep.
#33
When we were in HS I cashed him out for saying he’d be disappointed in his son if he found out the son was gay. When I told him that not accepting his child makes for a bad parent he doubled down and went and asking his, my, and our mutual friends if they’d be disappointed too and trying to justify that. Then got mad when I said I’d never have kids with someone like him let alone stay together. I was told that was a stupid hill to die on, but I’d simple don’t want to be with a bigot.
#34
His mum was very rude to me and made me cry. Instead of taking a stand for me , he left the room with the excuse that someone rang the doorbell. What a spineless man. Really taught me a lot.
Michael Largey 7 months ago
"Ask not for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee." - John Dunne
#35
Speaking negatively about other women is automatic trash can. If your ex is crazy best believe I think YOU did something to make her that way
Petra Peitsch 7 months ago
It happens, that someone's ex was crazy for real. But, when all of them are "crazy", the problem are not the ex-partners.
#36
Made me realize his mother was the woman he was already in love with and that there would be the three of us in the relationship. Final straw is when he yelled at me for not doing a favor for his mother that he asked me to do.
#38
He really wanted a baby, and I really didn't. Nice guy otherwise, he eventually got his baby.
#39
At a Thanksgiving that included his mom and a lot of his friends, I noticed that his mom was washing dishes alone. It was clear to me that she could either use an invitation to relax and socialize awhile, or a few friendly helping hands. I mentioned this to him. He brushed it off, saying, "Oh no, she's fine, it makes her feel useful."
BigCityLady 7 months ago
No respect for women or is certain that after a wonderful and delicious meal “ is the woman’s responsibility for every bit cleaning for him and everyone else”. We have come into the 21st century and there are too many men that STILL have this mindset and see it acceptable as well as justifying the lack of any expected contribution.
#40
He was rude to wait staff, especially in a drive-thru. He’d really flip out when they asked him to park so they could bring his food out to him.
The anger issues were SEVERE.
BigCityLady 7 months ago
I am wondering what the lives were of his previous intimate partners as this level of anger issues does not bode well for any potential relationship.
#41
I told him I wasn't feeling well and that it was going to delay me coming to see him. He told me "F off, well when are you going to be here"? No "I hope you feel better", no "well we can get together later on if you want to rest for a bit", no "well I can drive down to you if you don't feel like coming up here". None of that. I don't know where these guys learn how to talk to women, I'd really like to know. There's nothing that turns me off more than a complete disregard for my well-being.
#42
He never defended me. Humiliated me and when his grandfather said “ a woman’s place is in the kitchen” laughed it off and didn’t say a word. Also cheated multiple times with men and women. Till this day he tells people I beat him up and suffered from DV, when in reality he was the one that chocked me 3x. Definitely one of those people that pretend to be so dreamy in the beginning and then show their true colors once you call them out on their bs.
#43
One guy I thought I’d marry ( I was young and more naive then) woke me up at 3am to make him a sandwich. I made both of us sandwiches, took them back, he didn’t want mayo- had to remake his sandwiches. When I was done, he left all the crumbs on my bed and drove to his mom’s house.
#44
When provided an opportunity to take a task off my busy, stressful plate, he declined because he felt I could do it.
#45
pushed down an entire baby tree that was growing into the path and it snapped in half on a hiking date
#46
Littered in the street
#47
My 1-month-old son had to see the doctor and wound up having surgery. My fiance wouldn't accompany me because he wanted to go hunting with his dad instead.
#49
being cheap when you can afford it and also even a hint of a temper
Petra Peitsch 7 months ago
If you are not living paycheck-to-paycheck, and are in middle-class position, being cheap is so dumb. You won't get to be a millionaire sparing a few bucks here and there. Not saying to spend like there is no tomorrow, but enjoying your life is important.
#50
Stopped dating me. Didn’t make any effort to keep me happy. No flowers, no making me special, nothing.
#51
We got into a disagreement while visiting his parents. I asked his mom if I could talk to her for some insight advice. She insisted there was no point talking about it because he's their son so they'll always take his side. She said that to me verbatim. When I told him what she said, he agreed with her and said there's nothing wrong with that. Imagine a lifetime of ignoring the facts just to side with blind loyalty. It's just not the culture I was raised with.
#52
O. and I sometimes enjoyed a glass of white wine in the evening. When I went to his place a week later, half the kitchen floor was filled with beer and wine bottles. I said: „This looks like an alcohol problem.“ To which he started to argue and I looked at him, and knew that I could never grow with this man.
Michael Largey 7 months ago
Even if they were empty peanut butter jars, mess like that sends a message.
#53
He said his "crazy ex" of 2yrs just got up and left one day, leaving him shattered. He didn't know why. I believed him and fell for the nice guy act. Until he admitted he was glad she left cus he was unhappy for some time and couldn't break up with her (red flag). After being with him for so long, I understand exactly why she left. One of the reasons being his ability to minimize and dismiss anything that goes against his perception of himself. No matter the severity. He's always the victim.
Petra Peitsch 7 months ago
Yeah, never taking responsability of your actions is a so huge red flag. like China.
#54
He casually brought me into his disgusting pig sty of an apartment (there was no sheet on the bed - just bare mattress and comforter, the bathroom was so filthy I held my breath while I peed, dirty dishes and trash everywhere) and acted as if that was totally normal.
#55
He was devoted to ducking accountability. He believed he was "a nice guy" so he deflected any feedback that went against the narrative he wanted to embody. He hated anything that fell outside of his scope of practice. He'd just apologize by stressing how he's doing his best and how he wants to work on things.. but have no real plans or effort towards progress or change.
#56
When we hadn't spoken in months. I said I wanted a divorce. He told his cousin 'I know what she wants. She just wants little attention'. The cousin asked then why not give her what she wants? I knew it was over. That person hated me.
#57
Purposely misunderstanding me. & thinking trolling is funny.
And I’m not one too match energy I’m just👐🏽 you got it
#58
My ex got drunk at a friend's party and told the group that if I was pregnant, he'd want "that s**t" aborted. Then gaslit me by claiming he didn't say that.
#59
He said he wanted to wait (for kids, marriage, buying a house etc) until I was mentally stable. Like dude I have bipolar. I was never gonna be stable enough for him. He never wanted to commit to me. Pretty sure it was an excuse.
#60
Struggle with mental health, but instead of going to therapy after months of urging, kept trying to use me as a free therapist. I don’t do free labor and I don’t do dudes seeing therapy as weak.
Mental health is serious. Sometimes life is hard. Don’t rely on women struggling in patriarchy and this presidential term to carry their own load and yours, too.
Crystalwitch60 7 months ago
And this shows a you problem lady ! he felt safe enough with you to open up !! And what di you do slam him down n walk away ! this wouldn’t bother me at all , cos it means at least he’s seeking help ffs pity any man as lands with you !
#61
Told me “I’m learning to adult” (27yo) when I called him out because he:
-Doesnt clean his appartement (not even toilets), never did since moving in it ( *2 YEARS* ). Pretended he was struggling to do so bc of his mental health
-Did nothing to help his mental health.
-No shower. No deodorant. LONG hair he didn’t take care of, dandruff falling 24/7, never washes his hands/teeth
-Used to tell me iam unhealthily obsessed with hygiene
-Did not expressed love
resented me bc I did not want intimacy
Urbangirlatl 7 months ago
I'm confused why you would give this person a second glance? One sniff and I'd walk the other way.
#62
For me, it's always the same thing: lack of intellectual/emotional stimulation, meaningful conversations and having plans for a future together. It's always me who has to carry on a meaningful conversation, be the therapist, ask questions about the future. I just end up feeling lonley and exhausted. That's why I don't date anymore, don't see the point in it.
#63
He’d break promises and never felt the need to apologize.
#64
Last guy courted me by spoiling my cat. I was originally meh about him but he kept coming around and won her over so I trusted him enough to enter a relationship and then eventually let him move in… chat, he actually HATED my cat! (And probably also me? Like why are you even here bro? Get outta my apartment!)
#65
When he would ignore me and leave me to cry after arguments instead of trying to talk and fix things
#66
We went to see Die Hard and I just couldn't handle it. I got up to go and he grabbed my arm. I told him it was too much for me, and his fingers dug into my forearm. He hissed at me to just sit. Unfortunately, I was already pregnant and we had a wedding in the works. The marriage didn't last 2 years.
Strack Attack 1 week ago
What do you mean that you couldn't handle Die Hard? Was the violence too much? Or were you experiencing morning sickness?
#67
Only wanted to pursue something with me because he got me pregnant during a summer fling. When I told him he had to date me first, get to know me, and then decide, he was bewildered that I wouldn’t just want a family. He was practically a stranger, because it truly was a fling.
#68
Told me "flowers are a waste of money because they die."
#69
This was only on date 1, but I noticed straight away that he did not care for himself. Needed a haircut, had plaque buildup on his yellowing teeth, wrinkled clothes, etc.
#70
Kept talking about his ex/always bringing her up someone in every conversation.
#72
He didn't drive. He couldn't drive because he never got his driver's license. When I asked why he wouldn't drive he'd emphasize that he knows how to drive didn't feel the need to get his license because public transportation is so accessible. He'd always make it a point to stress how much he didn't want to burden me with all the driving but we were together for almost 2 years and all he did was promise to work on getting his licence. He still doesn't have his license to this day.
#73
He gave holey socks for me to sleep after I helped cleaning his room when I clearly saw plenty of brand new socks in there
#74
told him "I know you're confident in your driving but next time can you try to remember my son is in the car" and then he said he been driving longer than my son been alive.... he's actually very lucky i didn't none to him.
#75
Never cooked for me
Shortstuff 2 weeks ago
Neither has my husband of 59 years. But then I don't repair dripping taps, maintain the lawn, repair the cars, repair appliances, fix anything broken. 🙂
#77
spend a full day without calling me and not answer the phone when i called.
my ex may have been a cheater but he answered that mfkin phone EVERY TIME i called even in Afghanistan
#78
he didn’t open the door for me.
Apatheist Account2 7 months ago
Just as many complaints about the misogynist patriarchy who patronise women by opening doors for them. I open doors - not because you're a lady, but because I'm a gentleman.
#79
Had entirely too many female friends!
#80
He was perfect but his bond with god wasn’t solid and I can’t f**k with that
tresgatos72 7 months ago
Who gave you the right to judge? I thought ithe Bible says "Judge not, lest ye be judged" and "Let him without sin cast the first stone". He probably has a deeper bond with God than any judgemental hypocrite.
#81
We ordered different cocktails
Mine was very strong so I didn’t like it
He let me try his and I said I liked his
He didn’t offer to switch
Explore more of these tags
What do you think ?
Ellinor 7 months ago
So many redflags that you could sew them all together, create a huge hot-air balloon, put all those men inside and send them to space.
Rachel Reynolds 7 months ago
My ex shamed me for having a tattoo and pressured me to get it removed. My husband is paying for my sleeve as our 15 year anniversary present.
azubi 7 months ago
On the other hand, if you want to tell a story, it is because it's not something you hear every other day. At least I hope so.
Load More Replies... Ellinor 7 months ago
So many redflags that you could sew them all together, create a huge hot-air balloon, put all those men inside and send them to space.
Rachel Reynolds 7 months ago
My ex shamed me for having a tattoo and pressured me to get it removed. My husband is paying for my sleeve as our 15 year anniversary present.
azubi 7 months ago
On the other hand, if you want to tell a story, it is because it's not something you hear every other day. At least I hope so.
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