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33 Times When Gender Roles Had A Heartbreaking Impact On Relationships
Interview With Expert
People keep talking about how “progressive” the world is today, but is it really? Especially when we look at how gender roles restrict people to this day, it makes us wonder whether we will ever achieve complete equality. The sad part is that the battle for equality is prevalent everywhere.
Whether it be at the workplace or in a relationship, it keeps creating an unfair environment. If you want proof, here are stories that netizens shared about how they witnessed unfairness in relationships due to gender roles. Just scroll down to check them out, and you will understand how this issue persists!
More info: Reddit
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
Know a guy who dragged his wife and kid across the country because he was training to be an fighter pilot. got really close too, was actually flying fighter jets and such only a few more months of training. then covid hits, he refuses to get vaccinated and the air force bounces him. now i don’t care your opinion on covid or the vaccine, but to make your wife quit her career (engineer btw) and leave her family to follow *your* dream only to, voluntarily, bail on that dream moments before it’s realized is extremely unfair, selfish, and generally s****y.
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#2
My parents, both of them had full-time corporate careers, brought in equal amounts of money, and my mom was the one doing all the cooking, cleaning, organizing housekeeping, taking care of my youngest sister, and us children mowed the lawn, did laundry and the dishes once we were old enough. My dad? Claimed he was doing so much for the home and all he did was drive the car to maintenance couple of times per year and switching lightbulbs. Even when my mom was on business trips, her responsibilities were assigned to me, the oldest daughter, including cooking and picking up my sister from daycare when I was barely a teenager myself, rather than to my brother who is 7 years older than me and even liked cooking and taking care of my sister.
Needless to say, to him “the divorce came out of nowhere”, while me & my siblings were always wondering why it didn’t happen sooner.
Bored Sailor 2 months ago
Always good to get rid of an incompetent useless man. Me and both my brothers can cook, clean, do laundry and take care of ourselves just fine.
#3
My ex and I both work full-time jobs, and he did almost no housework or child care. A few months after my ex and I split, it was Easter. He had my 12 year old daughter and only girl make dinner for him and her 4 older brothers. You can bet I read the boys the riot act when they came home. That never happened again.
I don't know about you, but as I was scrolling through the list, some of these stories were truly heartbreaking. It's difficult to imagine achieving equality when people are still breaking their backs with domestic work or suppressing their emotions just because of their gender. To get deeper insights into the matter, Bored Panda reached out to Rashmi, a Development Professional with a specialization in Gender.
She explained that there are a lot of factors that reinforce gender roles in society today. "It's about how you think, how you've been brought up, or the kind of socialization that you have had since your childhood. It's also reinforced by what you see around you, which is in the form of media, films, people that you work with, or those you study with," she added.
Moreover, she stressed that it also has much to do with role modeling as well as the education and the belief systems that you have. Rashmi also narrated that when people are being brought up, subtly, there are small elements that reinforce these roles. For instance, the clichèd idea of who goes out at what time in the house is probably decided by the gender that you come with.
#4
When we became parents my husband and I split all of the efforts as evenly as possible. So both of our lives were turned upside down and we both were emotional and lacking sleep. And everyone, from family to doctors, was checking in to make sure I was doing ok and the baby was doing ok but nobody, not even his family, was checking in on him or asking how he was doing. He was completely sidelined, like nobody cared how much he was going through. He went through full on baby blues, the hardest period mentally and emotionally of his life, and it often seemed like the only person who noticed or cared was me, except I was also overwhelmed by new parenthood at the same time, so I couldn't be his whole support system by myself and he didn't want to put his struggles on my shoulders either. That was a tough time. .
#5
Maybe not the most unfair, but certainly the most ridiculous.
There's a YouTuber couple, Paul and Morgan, who are Christian fundamentalists and believe a good wife must submit to the husband.
Paul does not have a job because he is pursuing his dream of becoming a professional pickleball player. He is constantly gone and spends full time hours playing pickleball ball, "training", and going to various spas and facilities to "recover". He comes from a well off family so his parents finance a large part of his lifestyle. He doesn't bring in any money through pickleball, because he is simply not very good and it's not exactly a lucrative sport.
Morgan? Pickleball was her thing. Paul only started after Morgan had already been playing and had been doing pretty well. He decided he wanted to become a professional player, and of course, she had to stay home with the kids while he "trained" for 8 hours a day. Morgan was always a significantly better player than Paul, but he claimed it to be his one true passion. She had to stay home with the kids, then couldn't play because she was functioning as a single parent with limited time/energy. Did he have prior experience in pickleball or as a professional athlete? Nope.
Morgan had a lot of mental health issues and previously had issues with overwhelm/burnout and breakdowns. Did Paul ever take a step back from becoming a professional pickleball player to help with any of the child work or mental load? Nope.
Morgan then had an aortic dissection, was put on stroke watch, and had to significantly limit herself physically. She was not allowed to pick up her children because the strain alone could k**l her. How did Paul step up? He didn't. He's the man of the house and becoming a professional pickleball player was how he was fulfilling his role. He couldn't take time away from pickleball because he's trying to go pro, and pros don't bail on their commitments like that! So what did he do? He left his wife home alone with their young children and went about his life as normal. She had to call on neighbours to come lift her child out of the crib for her, because her husband couldn't take time off from "training". He left his wife, on stroke watch, home alone with babies while he knew she could die from just picking them up. What if there was an emergency and she died because she had to move the children? That's just gods plan, and god really wants his special boy PicklePaul to go pro.
#6
When I used to go to Thanksgiving at my maternal grandparents house, all the men would end up getting drunk in the living room while the women cleaned up after dinner. Thankfully, I am no longer invited .
Mel in Georgia 2 months ago
It was my husband's first visit to my family's Thanksgiving dinner. After dinner, my dad headed to the couch to watch football. My husband said, "C'mon Joe - the women have been cooking all day. Let's clean up." Knew I had a winner then! The funniest thing was watching Dad try to load the dishwasher. Don't think he'd ever done it before!
As you can see in many of these relationship stories, some people didn't really have an option but to conform to their traditional gender role. That's why we conversed with our expert about the challenges people might face if they chose not to. She commented that such people might have to deal with the problem of being judged constantly, and that might also make them conform to gender roles.
"It happens so much in friends' circles also that sometimes, if you're very strong-headed about a certain thing, people will just ridicule you. You might always feel on the border of conversations with people around you, and it's like walking on eggshells constantly. Besides, you also have to fight within yourself, and that also causes an identity crisis," Rashmi elaborated.
She claimed that it is also about how people view you as a person, whether that's to do with your relationships or your friends. According to her, it's like having your own belief systems and principles, and if you are not conforming to this gender role, then of course you're fighting with it everywhere.
#7
All the responsibility for birth control being put on the woman, none on the man. The wife being expected to get an invasive surgery to be sterilized, but the husband won’t get the much less invasive vasectomy. .
Maim 2 months ago
Maybe an unpopular take on this - yes, I agree men should take responsibility.. BUT it is the woman ultimately that has to deal with the pregnancy, so I don't care if he says he IS being responsible, if I don't want to get pregnant, I'm trusting myself to not get pregnant. Both of you using contraception? Even better, but I'm still doing my part to protect myself.
#8
The one that haunts me a little was a young mum who posted in a Facebook group asking how to encourage her boyfriend to hold their baby. Baby was 10 months old and he had never once held her because "that's your job".
#9
I watched a friend work her way to a high ranking lawyer only to come home to a filthy house that she was expected to clean entirely on her own on top of being the primary care giver to her children so her partner could play video games in another room. He worked half her hour but refused to do “women’s work”.
We also spoke with Rashmi about whether gender roles have changed in the recent decade. She argued that they have not really "changed" per se; rather, the right term would be that they are "evolving." She credits this, most importantly, to education and how platforms like social media help spread information about gender equality.
Rashmi believes that people at least get to know, even if they don't like the changing gendered roles.
"Biological males who wanted to be soft people didn't have as much regard as the strong ones. Or, biological females who really wanted to be strong-headed or bossy were never regarded as much as the women who were polite and warm. But I think they are definitely changing. The evolution of what 'masculinity' means or what 'femininity' means is also helping in better understanding these roles," she noted.
#10
My daughter has a peanut allergy, so my wife was trying to get her an accommodation at school, and they were ignoring / delaying / generally d**king her around. So I took a day off work to go handle it. They were all "Yes, Mr. Dragons. Right away Mr. Dragons." My wife is still pissed about it 20 years later.
I kinda joked it off, you know, "What do you give an angry gorilla? Whatever the f**k it wants." So now she'll tell me to "Go use that Gorilla privilege.".
#11
Doctors basically tell women when they get a serious long-term illness that they should be prepared for divorce because men are 7x more likely to leave their sick wives than women are leaving their sick husbands. When the wife is sick 21% end in divorce. When the husband is sick it’s only about 3%.
Maim 2 months ago (edited)
My husband and I are facing illness (me) for the 3rd serious time. He tends to be much more attentive and pitches in more than he needs to when we go through this stuff. It's those things that makes me remember why I'm with him when he "forgets" to change the paper towel roll every d**n time LOL
#12
My mom and step dads marriage. Strange thing is, she does way more work and brings in more money than him and he still expects her to cook, clean, and all the other (lady like) stuff.
Kate Johnson 2 months ago
I don't understand why women stay with these men who essentially bring nothing to the table. They're really just a burden.
While concluding the interview, we asked Rashmi about the future of gender equality, and she claimed that she's not really sure whether she's hopeful about it. "I think what really gives me hope is something I have been very fond of, and that is the readings that I have come across from bell hooks. She called this the practice of love, and I really believe in the idea of love and loss in the community."
"Making that everyday commitment to empathy, justice, and community is important. I see more people, especially the younger generation, and maybe even the older generation, trying or questioning the domination based on ways of living, and they're choosing equity as an act of care and concern for each other," she explained.
She also spoke about another important thing that she read in those readings, which is about how education and awareness are forms of liberation. Rashmi believes that gender equality is not just an idea, but a practice that people are learning to live with, and that makes her a little bit hopeful about things.
#13
My stbx husband would not "allow" me to mow the lawn, even though he worked 80 hours a week and it usually rained on his one day off, so the lawn was a disaster. Once I finally got fed up and mowed the lawn, he didn't speak to me for hours, and told our marriage counselor he felt emasculated.
Michael Largey 2 months ago
If the lawn getting done emasculates you, you don't have the mower blades positioned properly.
#14
I don't get to spend his money or tell him what to do with it (I'm home with baby).
It's somehow my fault that's there's no money for bills ( no one to watch baby while I work)
Oh! But when I do get money, something always comes up with his car or something.
Yes, I have started hiding money now.
Mel in Georgia 2 months ago
Start saving what you can and when you get a little nest egg, leave that worthless, controlling person!
#15
My parent's relationship. My mother and father both used to work (Mom still does), but Mom would clean the house by herself on a weekly basis and to my knowledge still does all by herself. There was never visible dust in common areas. She kept it immaculate. Dad never helped clean. She was the primary cook (except when a grill was involved, then it was Dad's responsibility to cook).
Dad decided to renovate the house himself and did weird, impulsive s**t like buy a trapezoidal window because it was on sale, even though it doesn't match the rest of the house and his wife never consented. Mom despised that he cut a hole in the wall to fit an awkwardly shaped window he impulsively bought. To my knowledge, it was all his ideas to put 100ish lights and 6 electrical switches for them in a (not large) family room. He prevented people from working on our house when he tore down a wall and kept hanging electrical wires exposed for the next decade plus. Money was an object, true, but he didn't have to do demolition and keep things untouched for months or years at a time. She didn't consent to him putting windows spanning most of the wall in a small bathroom (so unless the shade is down, anyone could see us s**t). He made all the big decisions about home renovations and didn't want anyone else working on it (he let people repair our foundation at least), and expected my Mom to work longer hours (30+ more than him weekly), plus upkeep the whole house and cook. He hated when she went to sun bath and read a book after 6 days of work was completed, and complained about how she cooked, and tried to prevent her from having dinner with coworkers and incited a big fight if she went out for anything other than grocery shopping, work and errands. He was very controlling and she pushed back only slightly, to see her family overseas and go out for dinner with coworkers 1-2x a year. My Mom ultimately went along, saying how she can't leave someone after they've been together for so long.
But she agreed with him that people shouldn't have opposite gender friends besides their spouse, and tried enforcing it on me. They are both racist and tried to prevent me from having black friends and would have been appalled if I ever dated outside my race, as they didn't want me to "date one of them." They agreed on a woman's place and that people should limit their friends to the same gender and race. I always feared having a marriage like my parents, to the point that I thought in my teenage years that I'd never marry or even date. I planned to just have s*x with trusted male friends and raise one kid in my own sometimes in my 30s. That was part of my life plan when I was 17. I wasn't going to mess with co-parenting and courtship.
I think it's also a traditional stereotype (correct me if I'm wrong) that women do more emotional labor in a relationship. And all the domestic labor within a home (while mowing a lawn and other outdoor work is in the man's realm). They'll have to soak up insults, and emotionally and domestically support their husbands.
A healthy relationship is a two way street. Partners should support each other in all ways. Men (nor anyone) should not use their spouse as an emotional dumping ground and domestic servant. And good communication and respect is needed from both sides.
I have a man that pays half the rent and cleans the apartment with me. He is the one who pushes for open communication and talking through issues. He cooks sometimes too, but keeps to simple dishes such as boiling pasta and using a store bought sauce, since he never really learned to cook, but I am trying to get him to learn more complicated recipes alongside me over time (we like cooking large meals together 1-2x a month.). He is very good at chopping vegetables, so there's some hope. Some. He's dedicated and loving, and pulls his weight in the relationship. That's enough for me.
To be honest, those wise words definitely gave me some hope about gender equality, whether it be in relationships or even at the workplace. Anyway, dear readers, that's it from our end. I hope these stories help you understand that the issue of inequality persists everywhere, and like our expert explained, love, empathy, education, and awareness might help us fight it.
If you have also seen such unfairness in any relationships or anywhere else in general, feel free to share your stories with us. We would love to hear them out, so just drop them in the comments below!
#16
I'll chime in with something that hasn't been mentioned, not necessarily the most unfair thing I've seen.
Men are expected to be constantly h***y and if they're not, something is wrong with them and they're less of a man.
#17
I know a woman who had super busy weekends, because that is normally when she’d clean, do laundry, buy groceries, etc. Then she’d head to her boyfriend’s house and clean and do laundry. Then his parent’s house. Every week.
#18
The women whose husbands won't help with cooking/cleaning/childcare because "those are women's jobs" but who also work full time to bring in an income because their husbands "don't want to be with a gold digger". "Gender roles for thee but not for me" a*s husbands. Shame on them.
Kate Johnson 2 months ago
There's a name for a man like that - worthless POS. They deserve to live entirely celibate and die alone.
#19
When she is expected to leave the job that makes her money to do a more demanding job that
1) makes no money
2) requires more hours
3) is dangerous and frequently deadly, if not permanently injuring you
4) with less recognition, and even shame from many people, just to
5) rely on someone else for an allowance and hope they’re responsible with both of your futures and
6) don’t treat you poorly or leave you while you have a newborn
Ya.
Women were property not long ago. Traditional roles don’t make any sense for women. .
#20
Growing up my mom told me I needed to be agreeable, quiet, skinny etc etc or a man would never want me. Meanwhile my mom was getting hit by my dad regularly and he NEVER did a chore not once. But I was in the wrong for ever pointing out unfair treatment.
#21
Had an argument with my guy about who would do the chores if we were hypothetically married.
We do pretty much the same line of work. His has a little more weather and office duties included but we both work long hours of manual labor and customer service.
I said that its fair we split chores. He argued that he usually works longer hours and more out in the weather so his job is harder. I agreed, however he often has several breaks in between while I work continuously and do manual labor on heels and often drive long hours to work in other locations. I also suggested that if one of the two is too tired then their part of the chores can be left for the next day.
He never agreed to it and subtly kept trying to convince me that HIS job is harder (as in, most men's jobs are harder) and this is why the women usually do the chores smh.
Kate Johnson 2 months ago
I'd tell him, "but men are much more sturdy and meant for hard work"
#22
My dad has 4 daughters and has never changed a diaper, nor did he bathe any of us because apparently looking after your children is a womans job? My mom told me one time she was out for dinner with friends, and my dad phoned her furious that he had to change my sisters diaper....
He also asked me when I was 17 where we kept the pots and pans, bc hes never opened the drawer in the kitchen. He also didnt know how to load and turn on a dishwasher, nor does he know how to turn on a washing machine.
Yes, Im waiting for her to divorce him.
#23
My brother's ex-wife basically a****d being a stay-at-home mom. Her own mother was retired and lived with them but she (his then wife) refused to work. The result was my brother working 80+ hour weeks to facilitate finances (was working 15 hour days regularly) and still expected to come home and cook, clean, do yard work, etc. despite two women being in the house full-time.
Then when they got divorced she got custody of the children BECAUSE he was working so much and then was forced to pay alimony AND child support based on his wages which reflected his overtime hours and being ordered to continue working 80+ hour weeks for years. He went to court this year to get these payments reduced because he was literally on the verge of being homeless (we're living together now) and his body is being physically broken since his job is physically straining.
Even still, he's paying almost $3000/ month, ex-wife lives about 1500 miles away, and if he ever wants to see them he has to buy ALL of their plane tickets (she won't drive), pay for her accommodations, or alternatively make his way out of state in which case none of the family gets to see his kids or she'll otherwise just refuse to make any efforts to allow him to see them.
Family court has basically made it a point that they don't really care about his parental rights and don't care about how skewed the dynamic is not only as a parent but also just as a human who is literally k****g themselves to pay bills because of the expectation they've set given his previous income.
Mel in Georgia 2 months ago
The system is definitely biased towards the mom in child custody matters. It may be the only system that is!
#24
My ex only ever changed our daughters diaper one time and would never be alone with her. The one time he did was in the hospital and it was poop so he refused to ever do it again. Because he worked and I was home, he figured it was all on me.
#25
I'm a lesbian but my ex decided me presenting a little more masculine meant I was the man of the relationship in a stupid toxic way when no. It meant I had to pay for everything, initiate anything intimate, and it was always only me buying her flowers, she never did anything for me for valentines (she actually cheated on me the day before) or my birthday while I did a lot for her, while also I was the only one cleaning. In the end she got a*****e so I kicked her out, and she decided to lie to the cops so I pressed charges.
#26
Men/husbands being turned into and expected to be an emotional punching bag.
Rather than taking accountability for their own emotional regulation or mental health struggles, I've seen some women just emotionally a***e their partners/the men in their life and expect them to take it "like a man". In my family situation it wasnt a problem with the division of responsibilities or anything. My mom had a lot of trauma and mental health struggles, was furious at the patriarchy, and my dad was just a quiet, non-combative guy who had learned it was easier to shut up and take it than stand up for himself.
#27
A bit painful to see how many comments echo similar things about women’s role and burdens here🥲🥺 not negating men at all , just showing how deeply society has ingrained the role of a woman to be servant helper giver.
#28
My friend's parents are Boomer fools.
In the 2000s, the father earned 50k a year and the mother earned 50k a year. They were both government employees, so their salaries are public information.
Despite earning the same salary, and working similar jobs, the mother did 100% of childcare, cooking, cleaning, household project management, and staying in contact with relatives.
Now that they are both retired, the father sits in front of the TV all day. The mother still cooks, cleans, does household project management (budgeting, meal planning, groceries, picks up prescriptions, deals with the bank, pays bills, books doctors appointments), and stays in contact with relatives.
Kate Johnson 2 months ago
So she wasted her whole life married to an entirely worthless POS who brought nothing to the table but a list of demands.
#29
This is a long one.
My mom and my ex-stepdad. My mom got pregnant and married him when I was 15. He lived 2 hours away and told her to quit her job and move there and he would take care of everything as the “provider”. I stayed in my hometown with my dad because I was in a competitive school that I had to apply to.
My stepdad was supposed to take care of the finances, but cut my mom off completely and wouldn’t even give her gas money to visit me. According to my stepdad, my dad should have been paying for everything and driving me to a town 2 hours away so I could visit my mom.
He expected my mom to do all the cooking and cleaning with a high risk pregnancy AND expected my mom to get a job. He didn’t believe her when she said no one would hire a pregnant woman and he said “deliver pizzas if you have to” when she was a 40 year old pregnant woman. When she was home, he would get mad if he came home and she wasn’t perfectly put together with hair and makeup.
When my brother was born, she went back to work immediately and surprise, surprise she worked 40 hours a week and he expected her to do all the housework, cleaning, childcare, etc AND to give all her money to him. I visited maybe 2-3 days a month and he treated me (a girl) like a maid and to clean up things that I wasn’t even there to dirty up. I remember one time I made food and put water in the pan to soak and he put it in my bed because he was so pissed the kitchen had one dirty pan.
My brother is now a teenager, do you think he has chores? No. Absolutely none. His dad has hired a maid to clean.
#30
In my culture it’s customary for the wife to handle finances, even when the husband is the sole breadwinner because ‘women are more thrifty’ or some similar nonsense.
As a result, many of my male friends just hand over the entirety of their bank account to their stay at home spouses and live off a $150-200 monthly allowance while earning six digits, all while their partners maintain multiple VIP cards at fancy brands and department stores.
#31
Definitely not the most unfair thing, but this thread reminded me of me in my early 20s, feminist and educated, just accepting having to do all the housework for my male partners because of their learned incompetence and laziness.
#32
If a man raises his voice to a woman, he's an a*****e piece of s**t. If a woman insults and hits a man, even in public, he must be an a*****e piece of s**t.
#33
Here is one. Fewer men have college degrees, and people love to tout this as some kind of sign that they can’t cope with the higher ed environment, are stupid or automatically make for low quality partners.
In reality, men without college degrees have higher wages/lifetime earnings than women without college degrees because of the types of jobs they tend to have.
Men are not stupid or incapable of earning a degree, they simply make a pragmatic choice not to take on debt when there is an alternative. For women, having no degree is riskier economically so of course they have higher educational attainment. We also like to treat the trades as if they’re somehow NOT educated.
This ties back into the idea I feel like I see all over the place that somehow men are too dumb or emotionally inept to think or feel their way into a healthy interpersonal relationships / relationships with society.
What do you think ?
Ellinor she/they/elle 2 months ago
When their mother pass away and when they are celibate, I really wonder how those men survive on their own...
Rosecat 1 month ago
My husband took our daughter to the park a few months ago. He told me people kept asking him where her mom was. That's sexist against both of us. My husband isn't useless, he can take his own daughter to the park without ne just fine. No one asks me where her dad is when I take her somewhere. Also what if she didn't have a mom? Weird people.
Apatheist Account2 2 months ago
Dave Allen: If I decide to sunbathe naked, and my female neighbour sees me, she can have me arrested for indecent exposure. If she decides to sunbathe naked, and I see her, she can have me arrested for being a peeping Tom!
Ellinor she/they/elle 2 months ago
When their mother pass away and when they are celibate, I really wonder how those men survive on their own...
Rosecat 1 month ago
My husband took our daughter to the park a few months ago. He told me people kept asking him where her mom was. That's sexist against both of us. My husband isn't useless, he can take his own daughter to the park without ne just fine. No one asks me where her dad is when I take her somewhere. Also what if she didn't have a mom? Weird people.
Apatheist Account2 2 months ago
Dave Allen: If I decide to sunbathe naked, and my female neighbour sees me, she can have me arrested for indecent exposure. If she decides to sunbathe naked, and I see her, she can have me arrested for being a peeping Tom!
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