50 Tweets That Won Comedy Gold This October

I would read a book of those origin stories

"Leave nothing out."

+1 to that Mom. Also, people need to quit stepping backwards in public places without looking behind them.

yes, they don't need to know how all the gubbins works. It just works.

Hilarious move xD

No! I said put your COAT on!

THIS is funny!

Yeah, no school... instead there is this stupid job I need to be able to eat, wear clothes and have a home

Try "The Life of Elon," for a starter.

I’m about to buy a used wheelchair accessible van and I’m gonna do this

Yes! I just need a little sneak peek

That’s why John denver left on a jet plane

She needs her own group, called "Veg Out".

I think that's a valid point. Maybe my dosage needs to be upped.

I'm a very good mom to two furry babies and one not so furry baby

What a time to be alive

If these were cheap and I felt inclined to wear heals, I’d probably get these.

.... exactly

As long as she isn't crying because you're still alive...

Kalikima

Kalikima

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It's ridiculous how expensive everything has gotten..

It's 11 cents per for the 215 candy count. 9 cents per for the 275.

I've lived out here in the boonies for 26 years and have had 2 trick or treaters that whole time. Thank goodness.

That is pricey, but those bags have up to 275 pieces in them. Normal sized bags with 50-60 pieces are about 8 dollars.

Yet more gouging!

Calm down, that doesn't even equal to 14 cents per piece of candy. (180 pieces for $25 is less than 14 cents per candy.)

Yet people will still vote for Harris.

I moved 200 units each of three different types of candy last night (rockets, reeses, twizzler) and we were out of candy before 7:00 p.m. Got to sit with the lights out from there on in. It just depends on where you live.

To spend that much on candy, I'm eating it all myself.

25$ for 160 candys isn't much though

okay on a seperate note I cannot BELIEVE that BP has removed free features and added them to "premium". premium is supposed to have extra added-on stuff, not just recycled stuff that they took away.

Wait till Trumps 200 percent tariffs in the US. 50 dollars now 150 dollars. How's that for inflation.

This can't be real

I think box is a perfect cat name, look there’s box in a box 📦

Milton Jones: Easiest job in the world - Australian psychiatrist. "Can you tell me your problems mate?" "No worries mate". "Great - next!"

You see a cauldron, I see a person with a small head and big hair standing up with their hands in the air

And it gets worse with age. I took up horseback riding at 49, the first month I definitely thought I had leukemia, bubonic plague, leprosy, and a rare butt cancer. Five years later I only suffer from two things at a time, and the horses could probably use more exercise.

What's a house?

Kalikima

Kalikima

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Well? Where IS this new baby going to sleep?