M.A.T.H. is the dreaded Mental Abuse To Humans that we learn in school and probably spend half of our lives wondering why on earth we needed to learn geometry. Okay, so all of our universe is based on mathematical equations and calculations, but, in my humble opinion, some things are better left unknown; the craniums might explode overloaded with thinking about the unknown. However, there’s this interesting quality that human beings share—it’s to make something dreadful into something hilarious—a way to lessen the inevitable demons and tame them into jokes. Thus, we are gathered here today to laugh right in the face of calculus and algebra by reading these funny math jokes.
These clever jokes that you are about to read will cater to both the needs of math connoisseurs and algebra beginners. For the experienced, we have jokes on the Mobius Strip and derision; for the latter, we have the one about numbers devouring each other and chickens crossing the street in a very calculated manner. To keep things spicy, Turing’s machine also makes an appearance, and if you know what it is, you might have just felt your curiosity piquing. After reading these hilarious jokes, you might also decide that math isn’t all so ghastly and wicked, but rather quite amusing. Except when it’s time to take your math exam or to calculate how many gallons of paint you need for your bedroom remodeling plans.
Anyhoo, let’s check out the math jokes, shall we? Once you’ve subtracted, multiplied, and added a 1 to your choices for the best joke title, be sure to upvote them. Also, be kind to your neighbors by sharing this article that might just end their math-induced headaches with these hilarious jokes.
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Do you know what seems odd to me?
Numbers that aren’t divisible by two.
My girlfriend is the square root of -100. She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.
I put my root beer in a square glass. Now it's just beer.
I was told this joke but I only just realised it because of the context
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur’s table?
Sir Cumference.
How did he get so round?
He ate too many π’s.
What do you call a shape that always does its best? A try-angle. (I just made this up)
MATH stands for Mental Abuse To Humans.
Parallel lines have so much in common… It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
How do you make seven an even number?
Remove the S.
What math problem do German students have trouble answering?
Do you know what the square root of 81 is? 9!
There are three people applying for the same job at a bank: a mathematician, a statistician, and an accountant. The interviewing committee asks the mathematician one question: “What is 500 plus 500?”. The mathematician answers “1,000” without hesitation, and they send him along. Next, they call in the statistician and ask the same question. He thinks for a moment and answers “1,000… I’m 95 percent confident.” When the accountant comes in, he is asked the same question: “What is 500 + 500?” He bows and replies, “What would you like it to be?” They hire the accountant.
A physicist, a biologist and a mathematician are sitting on a bench, watching people entering and leaving the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people enter the house; A while later, they watch three people leave the house. The physicist says, "The initial measurement wasn't accurate." The biologist counters, "They must have reproduced." Finally, the mathematician suggests, "If one more person enters the house, then it will be empty again."
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?
To get to the same side.
Why did Pi get its driver’s license revoked?
Because it didn’t know when to stop.
How do you stay warm in any room?
Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.
Why was the equal sign so humble?
Because she knew she wasn’t greater than or less than anyone else.
A clerk at the butcher shop is 6 feet tall and wears size 10 shoes. What does he weigh?
Meat. He works at the butcher’s shop.
There are three kinds of people in this world. Those who can count and those who can’t.
There are two types of people: 1) Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data.
When a statistician passes the airport security check, they discover a bomb in his bag. He explains. "Statistics shows that the probability of a bomb being on an airplane is 1/1000. However, the chance that there are two bombs at one plane is 1/1000000. So, I am much safer..."
Why is 69 so scared of 70? Because once they fought, and 71.
Why should the number 288 never be mentioned?
It's two gross.
I had to Google this one. And Google tells me that 1 Gross = 144. Still no Idea what a "Gross" is in this context.
What are ten things you can always count on?
Your fingers.
Why don’t Calculus majors throw house parties?
Because you should never drink and derive.
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
Hear about the constipated mathematician - he had to work it out with a pencil Hear about the constipated mathematician - he had to work it out with a pencil! (Sorry)
I knew a mathematician who couldn’t afford lunch. He could binomials.
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil.... (Sorry!)
Why was six afraid of seven?
Because seven eight(ate) nine!
What do you get if you add two apples and three apples?
A middle school math problem.
If a man had 3 apples in one hand and 4 apples in the other, what would he have? - Really big hands.
You should never start a conversation with Pi. It’ll just go on and on forever.
What’s a math teacher’s favorite kind of tree?
Geometry.
When I was a freshman in high school, I asked my algebra teacher why I had to study algebra. He just smiled and said, "Because I need a job."
What do you call a political party in favor of agriculture?
Pro-tractors.
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin pi.
A talking sheepdog rounds up all the sheep into the pen for his farmer. He comes back and says, “Okay, Chief — all 40 sheep accounted for”.
The farmer says, “But I’ve counted them and I’ve only got 36!”
The sheepdog replies, “I know, but I rounded them up.”
There was a statistics teacher who would always accelerate hard when driving through intersections and then slow down after passing through. One day he drove a colleague to work who was noticeably uncomfortable at his driving.
The colleague asked, “Why do you always drive so fast through intersections?”
To which the statistics teacher responded, “Well, statistically speaking, you’re more likely to have an accident in an intersection, so I make sure to get through them as fast as possible!”
Why is math considered to be codependent?
It relies on others to solve its problems.
Dear Math, stop making us find your x. She's gone and you have to move on.
How do we know the fractions, x/c, y/c, and z/c, are all in Europe?
They’re all over c’s.
but...but...what about other continents? and what if you live in eurasia?
What did the bee say when it solved the problem?
“Hive got it!”
Dear Algebra, stop trying to find your x. They’re never coming back — don’t ask y.
A statistician got soaking wet trying to cross a river. He thought he could cross, because it was one-foot deep on average.
Here’s some advice: At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.
An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are staying in a hotel. The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He goes out into the hallway and sees a fire, so he fills a trashcan from his room with water and douses the fire. He goes back to bed. Later, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke. He opens his door and sees a fire in the hallway. He walks down the hall to a fire hose and after calculating the flame velocity, distance, water pressure, trajectory, etc. extinguishes the fire with the minimum amount of water and energy needed. Later, the mathematician wakes up and smells smoke. He goes to the hall, sees the fire and then the fire hose. He thinks for a moment and then exclaims, "Ah, a solution exists!" and then goes back to bed.
And the statistician was setting fires to see what the probability of someone waking up and putting them out was.
I hired an odd man to do eight jobs for me. When I got back, he’d only done jobs one, three, five, and seven.
Why is statistics never anyone’s favorite subject?
It’s just average.
What did the triangle say to the circle?
“You’re pointless.”
The difference between an introvert and an extrovert mathematician is: An introvert mathematician looks at his shoes while talking to you, an extrovert mathematician looks at your shoes.
How does a mathematician induce good behavior in her children?
"I've told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
With the Ark settled safely after the flood, Noah opens the doors and commands the animals, “Go forth and multiply!” All the animals depart the Ark, except for two snakes in the back. Noah proclaims again, “Go forth and multiply,” yet the snakes stay put. Perturbed, Noah finally asks them, “Why have you not followed my command?” The snakes flicker their tongues and answer, “We can’t multiply, Noah—we’re Adders.”
A mathematician organizes a lottery in which the prize is an infinite amount of money. When the winning ticket is drawn, and the jubilant winner comes to claim his prize, the mathematician explains the mode of payment: "1 dollar now, 1/2 dollar next week, 1/3 dollar the week after that..."
A student asked their teacher if they would have any problems on the upcoming test.
The teacher replied, “I think you’ll have lots of problems on the test.”
What did the student say about the equation she couldn’t solve?
“This is derive-ing me crazy!”
Where did the geometry teacher go on vacation?
Who knows? All I know is that she’s polygon.
Once there was a hen who counted her own eggs. She was a mathemachicken.
Infinitely many mathematicians walk into a bar. The first says, "I'll have a beer." The second says, "I'll have half a beer." The third says, "I'll have a quarter of a beer."
Before anyone else can speak, the barman fills up exactly two glasses of beer and serves them. "Come on, now,” he says to the group, “You guys have got to learn your limits.”
Why was the math teacher suspicious of prime numbers?
They were all odd.
Teacher: Why are you doing your multiplication on the floor?
Student: You told me not to use tables.
Why did the mathematician spill all of his food in the oven?
The directions said, “Put it in the oven at 180°”.
A father noticed his son was sad coming home from school one day.
“What’s wrong?” The father asked.
“I really don’t like long division,” the son answered, “I always feel bad for the remainders.”
Why did the student get upset when her teacher called her average?
It was a ‘mean’ thing to say.
A student turned in a blank sheet of paper for his math test, and the teacher asked him why.
“It was on imaginary numbers,” he said. “Can’t you see them?”
A statistics professor and a math professor worked together on a cookbook. They called it “Pi A La Mode”.
It’s always a good idea to bring a mathematician camping. They come prepared with a pair of axis.
I’ll do algebra, and I’ll do trig. I’ll even do statistics. But graphing is where I draw the line!
How do you know when you've reached your Math Professors voice-mail?
The message is "The number you have dialed is imaginary. Please, rotate your phone by 90 degrees and try again..."
Hear about the statistician who drowned crossing a river? It was three feet deep on average.
What do you call a number that can't keep still?
A roamin' numeral.
Only a statistician can have their head in a hot over and their feet on ice, because on average, they'll feel fine...
Only a statistician can have their head in a hot over and their feet on ice, because on average, they'll feel fine...
