Do you remember the good old times in grade school when the teacher would ask you to write a fun limerick? If not, consider yourself lucky — I certainly do. A limerick is one of those poetic forms that can only be classified as torture for kids. It’s not like they’re actually bad, but they’re probably one of those things you can only really appreciate when you get older. In fact, as I grew up and started taking a genuine interest in writing, suddenly limericks didn’t sound awful anymore.
If you’re not sure what we’re talking about, here’s a quick refresher on how to write a limerick: they are humorous, five-line rhyming poems that usually keep a silly or absurdist tone. They follow an AABBA rhyme scheme, so the first, second, and fifth lines rhyme with one another, while the third line rhymes with the fourth.
Funny limericks are one of the most compact forms of poems. And writing one is also a great way to get started in poetry. They even make for a challenging writing exercise — once you get over the hump of coming up with an idea for one in the first place! If you’re unsure how to begin, let us show you some examples of limericks. These funny short poems, with their bouncy rhythm and absurd themes, may even get you chuckling!
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An elderly man called Keith,
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair,
He'd forgot they were there,
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
There once was a man from the sticks
Who loved to compose limericks
But he failed at his sport
They were always too short...
There once was a runner named Dwight
Who could speed even faster than light.
He set out one day
In a relative way
And returned on the previous night.
A canner, exceedingly canny,
One morning remarked to his granny,
"A canner can can
Anything that he can;
But a canner can't can a can, can he?"
The same canner called up his aunty/ And said, 'I've the patience of Ghandi/ But I can't can a can.'/ Said the aunt to the man,/ 'Then you must be exceedingly can'ty.'
There was a young lady named Alice
Who was known to have peed in a chalice.
‘Twas the common belief
It was done for relief,
And not out of protestant malice.
At times I’m so mad that I’m hopping.
My angriness sets my veins popping.
I yell and I curse,
With swear words diverse,
But my wife does much worse: she goes shopping.
A tutor who tooted a flute
Tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
“Is it harder to toot, or…
To tutor two tooters to toot?”
A crafty young bard named McMahon
Whose poetry never would scan
Once said, with a pause,
“It’s probably because
I’m always trying to cram as many additional syllables into the last line as I possibly can.”
"Never would scan"? What does it mean? May be "never would be scanned"? (I'm not native)
An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored - how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.
How to spell the potato has tried
Many minds, sometimes mine, I’ll confide.
Though it may have an eye,
There’s no E – don’t ask why!
Not until it’s been baked, boiled, or fried.
There once was a man from Nantucket
Who kept all his cash in a bucket
His daughter, named Nan
Ran away with a man
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.
I need a front door for my hall,
The replacement I bought was too tall.
So I hacked it and chopped it,
And carefully lopped it,
And now the dumb thing is too small.
There was a faith-healer of Deal,
Who said: "Although pain isn't real,
If I sit on a pin
And it punctures my skin,
I dislike what I fancy I feel.'
My dog is really quite hip,
Except when he takes a cold dip.
He looks like a fool,
When he jumps in the pool,
And reminds me of a sinking ship.
"There's a train at 4:04," said Miss Jenny.
"Four tickets I'll take; have you any?"
Said the man at the door,
"Not four for 4:04,
For four for 4:04 is too many."
I'm papering walls in the loo
And quite frankly I haven't a clue;
For the pattern's all wrong
(Or the paper's too long)
And I'm stuck to the toilet with glue.
There once was an old man of Esser,
Whose knowledge grew lesser and lesser,
It at last grew so small
He knew nothing at all
And now he's a college professor.
As 007 walked by
He heard a wee spider say, "Hi."
But shaken, he shot
It right there on the spot
As it tried to explain, "I'm a spi..."
What happens when you retire?
You really don't have to inquire -
No job and no phone
There's no place but home,
And your checkbook's about to expire!
There was a young fellow of Crete
Who was so exceedingly neat.
When he got out of bed
He stood on his head
To make sure of not soiling his feet.
The star violinist was bowing;
The quarrelsome oarsmen were rowing.
But how is the sage
To discern from this page:
Was it piglets, or seeds, that were sowing?
A flea and a fly in a flue
Were imprisoned, so what could they do?
Said the fly, “Let us flee!”
“Let us fly!” said the flea
So they flew through a flaw in the flue.
An oyster from Kalamazoo
Confessed he was feeling quite blue.
For he said, “As a rule,
When the weather turns cool,
I invariably get in a stew.”
I'd rather have Fingers than Toes,
I'd rather have Ears than a Nose.
And as for my Hair,
I'm glad it's all there,
I'll be awfully sad, when it goes.
A painter, who lived in Great Britain,
Interrupted two girls with their knitting,
He said, with a sigh,
"That park bench, well I,
Just painted it, right where you're sitting."
I once had a gerbil named Bobby,
Who had an unusual hobby.
He chewed on a cord,
and now - oh my lord,
now all that's left is a blobby.
I once had a rabbit named Ray/who died an unusual way/he chewed on a wire/and then he caught fire/and all of his fur burnt away. Edit...wow, that's dark.
My ambition, said old Mr. King,
Is to live as a bird on the wing.
Then he climbed up a steeple,
Which scared all the people,
So they caged him and taught him to sing.
An amoeba named Max and his brother
Were sharing a drink with each other;
In the midst of their quaffing,
They split themselves laughing,
And each of them now is a mother.
Is it me or the nature of money,
That's odd and particularly funny.
But when I have dough,
It goes quickly, you know,
And seeps out of my pockets like honey.
A mouse in her room woke Miss Dowd
She was frightened — it must be allowed.
Soon a happy thought hit her —
To scare off the critter,
She sat up in bed and meowed.
I told him, "Get out of my place
You're an utter uncultured disgrace;
You're a simpleton loon.
Don't you know a good tune?"
Then he walloped me square in the face.
No woodsman would cut a wood, would he
If woods would be woodless – nor should he.
Yet no woodcutter would
Cut a woody-wood wood
If no woodsmen cut woody woods, would he?
The woodsman, alone in the night/ Gave himself a most terrible fright/ For the woody he cut/ Was in front of his butt/ He lamented, 'This doesn't seem right...'
One Saturday morning at three
A cheesemonger’s shop in Paree
Collapsed to the ground
With a thunderous sound
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
There was an old man of Peru,
Who dreamt he was eating his shoe.
He woke in the night,
With a terrible fright,
And found it was perfectly true.
A nifty young flapper named Jane
While walking was caught in the rain.
She ran - almost flew,
Her complexion did too,
And she reached home exceedingly plain.
To compose a sonata today,
Don't proceed in the old-fashioned way:
With your toes on the keys,
Bang the floor with your knees:
"Oh how modern!" the critics will say.
There was a young lady named Perkins,
Who just simply doted on gherkins.
In spite of advice,
She ate so much spice,
That she pickled her internal workins'.
A certain young fellow named Bee-Bee
Wished to wed a woman named Phoebe.
"But," he said, "I must see
What the clerical fee
Be before Phoebe be Phoebe Bee-Bee."
There was an old person of Fratton
Who would go to church with his hat on.
'If I wake up,' he said,
'With a hat on my head,
I will know that it hasn't been sat on.'
If you catch a chinchilla in Chile
And cut off its beard, willy-nilly
You can honestly say
That you have just made
A Chilean chinchilla's chin chilly.
There once was a man from the city
Stooped to pat what he thought was a kitty
He gave it a pat
But it wasn't a cat -
They buried his clothes - what a pity!
There was an old man of the Cape
Who made himself garments of crepe.
When asked, “Do they tear?”
He replied, “Here and there,
But they’re perfectly splendid for shape!”
There was a young lady named Cager
Who, as the result of a wager,
Consented to fart
The complete oboe part
Of Mozart’s quartet in F major.
That one is more realistic, than you may think. I once knew a singer, who could simultaneously whistle and sing (in two voices) the Sonata Facile
The limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical.
But the good ones I’ve seen
So seldom are clean
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
In the water down under my butt … Where my a*****e opens and shuts … I see an acorn or two … Some pecans and cashews … ‘Cause you liberals are driving me NUTS!!!
A forgetful old gasman named Dieter,
Who went poking around his gas heater,
Touched a leak with his light;
He blew out of sight —
And, as everyone who knows anything about poetry can tell you, he also ruined the meter.
The incredible Wizard of Oz
Retired from his business because
Due to up-to-date science
To most of his clients
He wasn’t the Wizard he was.
A wonderful bird is the pelican
His bill holds more than his belican,
He can take in his beak
Enough food for a week
But I’m damned if I see how the helican.
There once was a lady named Ferris
Whom nothing could ever embarrass.
‘Til the bath salts one day,
in the tub where she lay,
turned out to be Plaster of Paris.
Is algebra fruitless endeavor?
It seems they’ve been trying forever
To find x, y, and z
And it’s quite clear to me:
If they’ve not found them yet then they’ll never.
A rather disgruntled young Viking
Found plunder was not to his liking
When they yelled “All ashore,”
He just threw down his oar
And announced, “I’m not striking, I’m striking!”
There once was a girl in the choir
Whose voice rose up hoir and hoir,
Till it reached such a height
It went clear out of seight,
And they found it next day in the spoir.
There once was a fly on the wall,
I wonder, why didn’t it fall?
Because its feet stuck?
Or was it just luck?
Or does gravity miss things so small?
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
There was once a great man in Japan
Whose name on Tuesday began,
It lasted through Sunday
Till twilight on Monday
And it sounded like stones in a can.
Remember when nearly sixteen
On your very first date as a teen
At the movies? If yes,
Then I bet you can't guess
What was shown on the cinema screen.
There was a young man from Dealing
Who caught the bus for Ealing.
It said on the door
'Don't spit on the floor'
So he jumped up and spat on the ceiling.
There once was a man named Muvett
Who lived in the city of Lovett
But his car broke down
Two miles out of town
And Muvett had to shove it to Lovett!
There once was a beautiful nurse
Who carried an ugly old purse
But she tripped on the door
And fell on the floor
And they both went away in the hearse.
A bather whose clothing was strewed
By breezes that left her quite nude,
Saw a man come along
And, unless I am wrong,
You expect this last line to be lewd!
An ambitious young fellow named Matt,
Tried to parachute using his hat.
Folks below looked so small,
As he started to fall,
Then got bigger and bigger and SPLAT!
There once was a girl named Irene
Who lived on distilled kerosene
But she started absorbing
A new hydrocarbon
And since then has never benzene.
There was a young lady whose chin
Resembled the point of a pin
So she had it made sharp
And purchased a harp
And played several tunes with her chin.
There was once a young girl who said: “Why
Can’t I look in my ear with my eye?
If I put my mind to it
I’m sure I can do it.
You never can tell till you try.”
Limericks I cannot compose,
With noxious smells in my nose.
But this one was easy,
I only felt queasy,
Because I was sniffing my toes.
There was an odd fellow named Gus,
When traveling he made such a fuss.
He was banned from the train,
Not allowed on a plane,
And now travels only by bus.
There once was a man from Tibet,
Who couldn't find a cigarette
So he smoked all his socks,
and got chicken-pox,
and had to go to the vet.
A newspaperman named Fling,
Could make "copy" from any old thing.
But the copy he wrote,
Of a five-dollar note,
Was so good he now wears so much bling.
There is a young schoolboy named Mason,
Whose mom cuts his hair with a basin.
When he stands in one place,
With a scarf round his face,
It's a mystery which way he’s facing.
There was a young schoolboy of Rye,
Who was baked by mistake in a pie.
To his mother’s disgust,
He emerged through the crust,
And exclaimed, with a yawn, where am I?
A fellow jumped off a high wall,
And had a most terrible fall.
He went back to bed,
With a bump on his head,
That's why you don't jump off a wall.
There was a young lady of Cork,
Whose Pa made a fortune in pork.
He bought for his daughter,
A tutor who taught her,
To balance green peas on her fork.
There once was a Martian called Zed
With antennae all over his head.
He sent out a lot
Di-di-dash-di-dot
But nobody knew what he said.
There once was a girl named Sam
Who did not eat roast beef and ham
She ate a green apple
Then drank some Snapple
Some say she eats like a lamb.
A major, with wonderful force,
Called out in Hyde Park for a horse.
All the flowers looked round,
But no horse could be found;
So he just rhododendron, of course.
A canny young fisher named Fisher
Once fished from the edge of a fissure.
A fish with a grin
Pulled the fisherman in —
Now they're fishing the fissure for Fisher.
A cheerful old bear at the Zoo
Could always find something to do.
When it bored him, you know,
To walk to and fro,
He reversed it and walked fro and to.
The bottle of perfume that Willie sent
Was highly displeasing to Millicent;
Her thanks were so cold
They quarreled, I'm told,
Through that silly scent Willie sent Millicent.
I bought a new Hoover today,
Plugged it in in the usual way,
Switched it on - what a din;
It sucked everything in,
Now I'm homeless with no place to stay.
A crossword compiler named Moss
Who found himself quite at a loss
When asked, 'Why so blue?'
Said, 'I haven't a clue
I'm 2 Down to put 1 Across.'
There was a young lady named Hannah,
Who slipped on a peel of banana.
As she lay on her side,
More stars she espied
Than there are in the Star-Spangled Banner.
My neighbor came over to say
(Although not in a neighborly way)
That he'd knock me around
If I didn't curb the sound
Of the classical music I play.
There once was a man from Gorem
Had a pair of tight pants and he wore 'em
When he bowed with a grin
A draft of air rushed in
And he knew by the sound that he tore 'em!
There was an Old Man in a tree,
Who was horribly bored by a bee.
When they said “Does it buzz?”
He replied “Yes, it does!
It’s a regular brute of a bee!”
There was a young belle of old Natchez
Whose garments were always in patchez.
When comments arose
On the state of her clothes,
She replied, “When Ah itchez, Ah scratchez.”
And let me the canakin clink, clink;
And let me the canakin clink
A soldier’s a man;
A life’s but a span;
Why, then, let a soldier drink.
(canakin = drinking can)
There was a young fellow from Belfast
That I wanted so badly to tell fast
Not to climb up the stair
As the top step was air
And that’s why the young fellow fell fast.
There was an old girl of Genoa
And I blush when I think that Iowa;
She’s gone to her rest,
It’s all for the best,
Otherwise I would borrow Samoa.
There was a dear lady of Eden,
Who on apples was quite fond of feedin’;
She gave one to Adam,
Who said, “Thank you, Madam,”
And then both skedaddled from Eden.
I know an old owl named Boo,
Every night he yelled Hoo,
Once a kid walked by,
And started to cry,
And yelled I don't have a clue!
I once fell in love with a blonde,
But found that she wasn't so fond.
Of my pet turtle named Odle,
whom I'd taught how to Yodel,
So she dumped him outside in the pond.
Hickory Dickory dock,
The mouse ran up the clock;
The clock struck one
And down he run;
Hickory Dickory dock.
A man and his lady-love, Min,
Skated out where the ice was quite thin.
Had a quarrel, no doubt,
For I hear they fell out,
What a blessing they didn't fall in!
Said the man with a wink of his eye
"But I love you" and then the reply
From the girl, it was heard
"You are truly absurd!
I have only this moment walked by!"
There was a young man so benighted
He never knew when he was slighted;
He would go to a party
And eat just as hearty,
As if he'd been really invited.
There was a young lady of Kent,
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose
One day, I suppose -
And no one knows which way she went.
There was a young girl from Flynn
Who was so terribly thin
When she sipped lemonade
Through a straw in the shade
She slipped through the straw and fell in!
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, “It is just as I feared!
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!”
A magazine writer named Bing
Could make copy from most anything;
But the copy he wrote
Of a ten-dollar note
Was so good he now lives in Sing Sing.
There once was a boy named Dan,
Who wanted to fry in a pan.
He tried and he tried,
And eventually died,
That weird little boy named Dan.
There once was a kitty so neat, Who used her litter box discreet. She took a big poop. I came with a scoop, And tossed her turds out on the street.
Here are a couple of familiar limericks to which have been added a reply: There was a young man who said "God Must find it exceedingly odd To think that the tree Should continue to be When there's no one about in the quad." Reply: "Dear Sir: Your astonishment's odd; I am always about in the quad. And that's why the tree Will continue to be Since observed by, Yours faithfully, God.” Said an ape as he swung by his tail, To his offspring both female and male, From your offspring, my dears, In a couple of years, May evolve a professor at Yale. reply Alas but the theory was flawed, The apes were not seriously awed by the prospect to be of Yale's pedigree, And thus evolution was nulled. Some professors think they've evolved And Darwin thereby absolved, With eloquence immutable And theories irrefutable And no intelligence is involved.
There once was a kitty so neat, Who used her litter box discreet. She took a big poop. I came with a scoop, And tossed her turds out on the street.
Here are a couple of familiar limericks to which have been added a reply: There was a young man who said "God Must find it exceedingly odd To think that the tree Should continue to be When there's no one about in the quad." Reply: "Dear Sir: Your astonishment's odd; I am always about in the quad. And that's why the tree Will continue to be Since observed by, Yours faithfully, God.” Said an ape as he swung by his tail, To his offspring both female and male, From your offspring, my dears, In a couple of years, May evolve a professor at Yale. reply Alas but the theory was flawed, The apes were not seriously awed by the prospect to be of Yale's pedigree, And thus evolution was nulled. Some professors think they've evolved And Darwin thereby absolved, With eloquence immutable And theories irrefutable And no intelligence is involved.
