30 Tweets That Have No Business Being So Funny (August Edition)

Normalize adults getting treats when they do the hard things!

Oooh! Burn!

Especially true when it comes to bras.

THAT IS THE CUTEST TURTLE BUN I’VE EVER SEEN

Omg, yes. I hope that moment was worth it for him.

Now I can't unsee that

Not only is it stupid-its wrong-its incumbent on the provider to supply proof of delivery, not the other way around.

It’s obviously a snoov headed brimbrom, you uncultured potato chip.

Kids are brutal

Yesterday my daughter told me that her dad is a d*ck..... and I honestly don't know where that came from.

Flies be like "Muahahahahahaha!!"

Aren’t we all? I think there was a couple of wrong neurons thrown in with the normal ones.

It’s a sign. ALL PANDAS ASSEMBLE AT THE PANDA PONDERING PARK

I don’t want Taco Bell!!! B̷̺͙̲̤̗͙̌ǔ̸̫͆͑̒͑ṫ̵̹̍́̿̽̕ ̷̗̭̮̟̺̪̝̺͖̓̄͑̌͑̀t̸̹͎͈̜͖̰̠̦̼̊͋͆͐̏̎̋͘͘͜ȟ̷̫̲̯͔e̵̪͇̪̺̓ ̴̨̛̜̹̞̝̦̩̬͂͗̿́̀̍p̸̭͙̉̾̓̐̈́́̏͒a̶̧̢̧̺̮͙̥̫̱͛͜r̷̛̠̂̉͂́͘ą̷̧͚̮̙̰̙͎̮́̉̒̎̉̀̅̒͋͜s̵̯̿́̈́͘̚í̶̩̟̱͋̈́t̸̳̓͂̒ͅé̶̡̨̬͕̺͖̭͖͚͒͗͌̊͂͝͝ṡ̵͔̥̾͒̓̊̕ ̸̼̰̚ï̴͓̲̖͙̣̠̻͉n̶̨̧̯͓̳̠̞̅͝ ̵̧̬̮̻̮͖̦̲̹̐̐͑̍̂̈́͑͜m̶̤̙͓̖̮͊̎̏̒̓̐͝e̷̡̧͍̤͕̝̥̯͉͂̍͆̐̈́̅̚ ̶͓̩̲͚̬̝͛ͅw̷̧̡͙̹̝͓̤͍̪̟̍̄̃̃̚̚ä̵̧̳̘͇͍̩́̊͂̇͐͋͆̎͘͘n̶͖͖̯̂͑ͅt̸̙̮̞͎̦̰͆ ̵̲͙̖̲̤̱͎̯̗̋̉̏͐̓̅̀̈́̕ͅt̶̠̘̪̰̅͛͒ḩ̷̦̤̭̲̼́̄ẹ̸͓̠̫̞͍̝̝̈́ͅͅ ̸̤̮̫͙̦̕T̷̛̼̘͓̜̯͖͓̮̗̍͂̍̍̚͜ȁ̶̟̖̝̜͎̓̆̈́͠c̴̯̈́͂̉̽̾̌͝o̴͔̖͌ ̷͇͓͍̥̇̍̐͐̽̾̍͜B̴̠͖̱͜͠ȇ̶̙͉͗̏͌́̄͘ļ̴̩̟̭̮͇͛͆͂̆̐̇́͘ͅl̴̠̫͈̰̱̟̮̤͚̝͑̆̕.̶̗̌̉̽

I learnt recently that Van Gogh probably cut his ear off due to madness brought on by lead used in paint. It was the reason why many artists succumbed to madness. It made me so sad for him.

Same in Europe. Does the chicken lives in a cage (I think this is already banned, isn't it?), on the ground with straw, outside, free-range....

*takes notes*

Ge Po

Ge Po

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They renamed themselves Qody, Cuodi, Kodee, Quodyie or Bob.

“You mean that there’s another 12 YEARS of this??? Nah, I’m going to become a fish.”

A cybertruck is not a truck because no 2 year old boy would yell “TRUCK!!!!” as it goes past. I rest my case.

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Well, at least it was a consideret uninvited guest.

Spelled 'ome wrong.

Gen X Feral

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Damnn the man, fight the power!

Also of the few billionaires who should be spared the Guillotine. He replaced Illinois' regressive flat tax with a tax that shifts the burden toward the wealthy. He pushed through a tax law that makes HIM pay more in taxes. We need more like him.

Weirdly this works equally well in Fahrenheit or Celsius

TBH his acting is better than his music. Anyone else remember Markey Mark and the Funky Bunch? They weren't very good.

Well, at least he put it the correct way. OVER IS SUPERIOR.

The toddlers of the skin world.

Doesn't help when your personality sucks too

Here; he was the big sponsor at a conference https://www.ajc.com/news/business/why-steve-harveys-face-was-seen-glowing-over-atlanta/J2DOFU64JVBF5NMUIKEQTRNJJQ/#:~:text=No%2C%20it%20was%20Steve%20Harvey,lit%20up%20Atlanta%20this%20weekend.&text=On%20Saturday%20night%2C%20Steve%20Harvey's,helicopters%20whizzing%20through%20the%20sky.

I couldn't spell that on the fly, either

* Sound of a whale splashing back in the ocean.*

When I was still drinking, I got pissed if I threw up because in my mind it was a waste of alcohol.

Ahhh Spintire. I know that one.

Smart kid.

This. This is why I have anxiety.

YAYYYYYY!!!

OH MAN! I thought I was the only one! I love that chonky industrial aesthetic. That's what real machines should look like. Everything now is all touch screens but I love real buttons and dials. It's like having actual knobs and levers to control the AC in your car vs. a touchscreen. I can work one of them without taking my eyes off the road.

Let me make sure I understand correctly. You went to a bank and talked to somebody, so they were open and you were inside. Then you went outside in order to talk to a teller that was inside. Is that correct?

?

I'm getting old...I thought pretty fly for a white guy

Who ARE you? Tom Sawyer?

Like most things, in Australia we just call both lemonade :)

8pm Beg your bladder for forgiveness.

Ah, so you have a job too

Paid time off?

I'd trade my Olympic medal for cake. Which is probably one of the reasons I don't have an Olympic medal.

Nah, they just fell for your future faking but then learnt better - when you know better you do better

If women are meant to walk, why is it walKING and not walQUEEN? :P

Same aa in the UK we say "Alright?" but we don't wait on or give an answer except "Alright?" back.

"Pretty Fly for a WiFi".

I'm a simple person, I see Tim Walz and I upvote.

this is perfect for me as I sometimes misplace the case. Don't ask me why. I just do.

Must be a man's version of 16" because it's two inches smaller than it's supposed to be.

Just text the other ones first and do process of elimination.

How considerate?

D holding back tears “I don’t mind, just happy you three got to be in the name”

I don't get it

She's Flintstone-ing!

PSA: it's a crane fly. Unless you're in Australia mosquitoes are never that big.

No. Just no. Not in any circumstance.

I remember saying it numerous times and never being heard.

When I was an over dramatic teen I told my mom I was not gonna eat until she gave me whatever stupid thing I was wanting. Then she made stir fry so that day I learned starving myself to prove a point only hurts me. And she knew I could not resist her stir fry, well played mom.

I was at a stop sign with my son and there was a very big man asking people for rides. I said I had to drop off my kid but if you are still there when I get back I will give you a ride. He said, "is it because I'm black?". No sweetie, it's because your a man who is much much bigger than me.

*runs to the bathroom mirror to see if my stomach looks any smaller*