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30 Of The Weirdest Things Parents Have Told Their Kids, According To The Parents Themselves
Parenting is an unexpected journey. Sometimes you just can't know the situation or conversation you're gonna get into with your little kid. And they can be really amusing, too. In an attempt to document all of the weird stuff she herself says to her son, one mother started a blog called WTF Parenting Quotes.
It all started with one phrase. "One day, while driving, I was tuning in and out of his chatter in the backseat, when I heard, ‘It’s simple, Mama. All you need is a dead body, a pocketknife, and an ostrich.’ It’s the creepiest thing I’ve ever heard," the mom behind the project wrote. "I eventually found out he was trying to explain how to do a human-ostrich brain transplant, and heard myself explaining why it wouldn’t work. Definitely the most wtf thing I’ve ever heard myself say." Since then, she's trying to be as aware of their exchanges as possible.
As time went by, other parents fell in love with WTF Parenting Quotes and wanted to be a part of it as well. They started submitting snippets of their own conversations with their children and the project into something bigger.
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‘Having Superman printed pajamas will not enable you to fly, my son. Please sleep on the bottom bunk.’
'Stop licking the eggs and put them back in the fridge.’
After scolding then-3-year old for heading outside in his pajamas to play ('You don’t go outside in your pajamas, young man!’), I found him stark naked on his tricyle, serenely pedalling up and down the driveway. 'Me got no jamas on mummy!’ he proudly told me.
- Ed. Note: I love this. Kid definitely is a future lawyer.
"No, your teeth are not asleep. Go brush them."
I asked my 10 year old son what he wanted on pizza one night. He replied, “well, Mom, I’m not a virgin.“ I stopped cold and said, “what?” He said, “ I want meat, I’m not a virgin.” “Oh, you’re not a vegetarian.“ as I exhaled.
"No, hippies are not baby hippos. Yes, I’m sure."
"Grandpa is not a race car.
Grandpa’s wheelchair is not a toy.
You may not “drive Grandpa.”"
"I don’t think you’re old enough to be having a mid-life crisis."
"Go ahead. Walk to Australia. Let me know how that goes."
I used to get that when I said I was going to the backyard to dig a hole to China.
"No no no no. No ‘pants off dance off’ at the wedding."
"I don’t think the cat sneaks out at night and rides your skateboard."
"That’s good that you love the neighbor’s cat, but no, you can’t marry him."
"How can you not know why your tongue is blue? Your tongue was with you all day today, wasn’t it?"
"I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you were in ‘stealth mode.’"
Ruined my ninja’s self esteem today.
Submission: “I am sorry the baby keeps biting you but perhaps if you stop putting your fingers in her mouth she will stop biting you.”
….Charlie? Is that you??
"But how did your underwear get stuck in the bathroom window in the first place?"
"You are not an M&M. Put your clothes back on."
"You can growl at me all you want, but you still have to tie your shoes."
"I am about 99.9% sure you are not getting a chainsaw for Christmas."
Don’t lose all hope. That leaves a .1 chance you are.
"No, I don’t think throwing alligators at people is a good idea."
To be honest I know some people that deserve having thrown alligators at them. And crocodiles too.
Throw in a couple of boa constrictors and you've got a deal.
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Thats true. Its not a good idea, its a GREAT idea. Best I have heard of today. Now please excuse me, gotta get some alligators
Oh yeah? https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/northamerica/usa/12147874/Man-arrested-for-throwing-alligator-through-drive-thru-window.html
Heh, i'd do this to my downvoters. Absurd people don't like nobody with free thoughts.
"I am not going to get in a car crash just to cure your hiccups. That is crazy talk."
"Why are you carrying the cat into the bathroom?"
At 3 I found my son and our cat Taco in bathroom. Well, Taco was calmly sitting inside the toilet while Leo bathed him. Never thought I'd have to tell my kid 'I dont care if the cat likes it, do not give him a bath in the toilet "
"Why is there an axe on the floor?"
Darn Vikings never pick up after themselves.
"No no no, the police do not need your help ‘investigating.’ Get back here!!"
All kinds of trouble at the park tonight.
NO! Don’t pull that pin!!
Yelled at my almost 2yr old as he approached a gas station fire extinguisher with a devious look in his eye.
Whose underwear is on your head? (It wasn’t his, and it wasn’t clean and his brother was hiding and giggling)
It wasn’t clean. IT WASN’T CLEAN. brb, vomiting.
"I’m sure Grandpa could go to England and not kill anyone."
Grandpa is an Irishman, in case you couldn’t tell.
Welllll,the Irish are a proud people and just a teeny weeny little bit belligerent...
Anonymous asked: No, Gatorade in your eyes will not make you see things faster
That lightning bolt sure confuses things!
Tsk tsk tsk, when will kids these days learn? The lightning bolt means you can shoot electricity out of your eyes, not see faster!
"They’re called ‘discharge papers’ not 'dementor papers.’"
He was reading Harry Potter while waiting for his x Rays and got confused.
YES!! You taught your child well. (I'm totally calling them 'dementor papers' from now on.)
“Stop eating your soup with your fingers!” (To my 10 year old)
"Why is the cat pink?"
Submission from my sister. My nephews’ responses were apparently along the lines of ‘We have a cat?’
"Macchu Picchu is not a Pokemon."
“Macchu Picchu I choose you!”
"No you’re not a jockey and you can’t ride the baby."
"Just sign the sympathy card as yourself, not as Gandalf."
… And ‘Boba Fett’ is also not appropriate.
"How did your hat get over the fence if you didn’t throw it? No, hats don’t fly."
"No, no one is going to autograph your teeth."
"The cat is not hypnotizing the dog."
It’s improbable, but not impossible.
"‘Slap Grandpa’ doesn’t sound like a very nice game."
"Yes, I agree, [the neighbor’s cat] ‘isn’t very sexy.’ Wait… what do you think that word means? No… It doesn’t mean ‘a person you go on dates with.’"
"No, I don’t know what your Father’s Day card to Daddy says. Maybe next time don’t pick out one that’s in Spanish."
"No, Grandpa does not have any friends named ‘Vomity.’"
…. That I know of?
"Something I actually said tonight:
No, no… Don’t wash your face with the frog."
"Look, it’s one thing if it happens accidentally, but we’re not going to deliberately shoot milk out of our noses at the dinner table."
"Yes you *were* eating dirt. I can still see it around your mouth. No you are *not* a worm."
"Because Mommy’s not a professional art thief, that’s why."
"There will be no fish catching with your toes."
I just heard my husband say this. I’m afraid to go downstairs.
“No, honey, we can’t clean giraffes with cupcakes.” – I don’t even know what the context of this was
"No, you have to wear pants on the golf course."
Shipping this kid to a nudist colony in 5… 4… 3…
"Yes, you do look like Tony Stark but I still want you to wash your face."
Chocolate ice cream goatee = easy costume.
"Look, I know you love pickles, but… with a cookie? …At the same time?"
Coming from a parent eating Brussels Sprouts that must sound a bit odd to a kid.
"I babysit often and this is one of my favorites: “please stop stabbing your corn, and telling it to die!”"
Another anonymous submission. Keep ‘em coming!
"Please do not take your socks and shoes off in the restaurant. No. No, no. The waiter does not want to see your toes."
Doesn't parents educate anymore? Your child shouldn't be the boss of you.
"When did you memorize all these insurance commercials??"
During all the long hours you left me sitting on the couch watching TV.
Anonymous asked: I say this almost daily to my daughter-"Stop licking the television Spongebob doesn't like it"
… I bet Patrick does.
"You’re probably right, you shouldn’t time travel on an empty stomach."
"You’re in trouble because you told passport control ‘Sorry my picture doesn’t match my face.’"
"You smell like meat."
"Well, next time, don’t hide important things just to give yourself ‘a challenge.’"
"Please don’t tell people [great grandma] ‘was too old to live.’"
Just rephrase it to "She was so old, she should have been dead a long time ago."
"Is firing a nerf gun one of the steps of getting ready for bed?"
Spoiler: the answer is no.
"No, you can’t stay at home alone with the dog. The dog is not an appropriate baby-sitter."
"Stop cannibalizing your mother, child!!"
Submission from my friend, whose baby likes to eat her face.
"No, there will be no pocket knives at occupational therapy."
This sounds worse than it was. He was just really hoping they’d teach him how to open one. …. Maybe that’s not better, now that I think of it.
Well, it is a life skill after all! But if one of my kiddos brought that to a therapy session they'd just be in for a lot of activities revolving around safety awareness and decision making skills lol.
“No, honey, your brain is in your head, not your leg."
Well if it's a boy...... (just kidding couldn't resist don't hate on me)
I don’t think the insurance company will take this. Thanks, though.
"Oh my god, please don’t ever shout that you’re not wearing underwear ever again. Especially in the library."
is that spaghetti in your pocket?
"OK, A) the cat does not have a ‘death list’ and B), if he did, I would not be number one."
Everyone knows the dog gets that spot.
"No, your imaginary friends did not make the mess in the attic."
Great. Now I’m living in a Family Circus strip.
"Haircuts aren’t evil, and you’re getting one."
"Crutches don’t have ‘gears’ so how can you lose one??"
"Please, please, try not to say anything inappropriate to my boss today."
Unofficial ‘Take Your Kid To Work Day’ can have severe consequences.
Especially if you have been saying inappropriate things about your boss at home.
"No, I don’t think any chickens are going to come flying down the chimney."
"Did you tell [grandma] that she’s ‘odd’? That’s not nice."
… not to mention a little hypocritical.
"You’re eating that pizza crust from off the bathroom floor, aren’t you?"
She was supposed to throw it in the garbage, smh
"No, you may not paint the dog orange."
Got these two one right after the other:
(1): I just caught myself telling my 4 year old that “anything that involves putting things in your knickers is probably a bad idea” Oh dear, but still, it’s a good rule for life!
and
(2): No, your underwear is not a ‘great place’ to keep toothpicks! I’d like to have grand kids some day—-said to my 3 year old son.
Two is a coincidence, three is a pattern. We’re almost at pattern status for things in underpants. …. Yay?
frankiemtl asked: Don't lick your friends. Put down the machete. Don't put chicken in your purse. Don't put that mustache on the fridge.
These are all terrific! (But I’m a little frightened of the machete.)
"No, I can’t brainwash you."
You were too rough when you tried to get the chewing-gum out of his hair.
"We already own flyswatters, why do you want one for your birthday?"
At least I stopped myself from saying ‘What the f kind of present is that?’
"No, no one cloned our dog."
"Why is everyone at camp afraid of you? What did you do?"
"Please use the doors when entering and exiting my car."
Don't laugh. I got in trouble several times to entering my mom's car like the General Lee. Trying to slide across the hood didn't go over too well either.
"No, you can’t put a curse on people."
"Dead people can’t parachute."
"No, we’re not having ‘elephant food’ for dinner. Nope, not even if you’re in the mood for it."
"You’re supposed to be brushing your teeth, not lying on the floor naked."
"No, see, our brains stop working when we die. And if you take an ostrich’s brain out, the ostrich will die."
So how come tangerine turd is still walking and talking? Explain that.
"All right I’m tired of hearing about poop and pooping."
Regretting the mad libs purchase 5 minutes in.
Oh, we would laugh ourselves into hysterics doing Mad Libs. There's a good memory. One was, what happens when you get cold...you get 'llama pimples'!
"No, I would not love a ‘pukeachu’ for Christmas."
It’s the thought that counts and all but wtf are you thinking that makes you think I would love a puking Pikachu??
Use your imagination...there is a little guy who would dearly love to receive one.
No thanks, son. Mommy prefers her ice cream without dirty socks.
"Stop sucking your sister’s thumb! It’s just weird. Said to my 6 and 4 year old
— rawchaellee"
…. yikes.
terrorsister asked: I have some quotes for you if you like. "No im not getting fat ther is yoour little sister or brother growing in my belly" "What do you mean by :"why did you ate it?" "No i dont eat kids no matter what your dad said"
I do like!
"No one has ever ‘exploded from hunger.’ I doubt you will either."
"You can’t brush your teeth with socks on your hands."
I mean, you can try, but you’re not going to be very successful.
"Don’t use your mittens to pick up dog poop."
"You can’t spit food all over other peoples’ tables. Or ours, now that I think about it."
"No, I am not controlled by an alien mothership."
…. Not that they’d let me tell you if I were.
"No, you can’t ride the dog."
Our schnoodle is about 30 pounds, and clearly not a horse.
"Nobody told me that riding the dog was frowned upon in this establishment!" I loved that Fidelity baby commercial.
"You can’t write ‘The Boss’ after your name on tests."
"Being in a hot tub too long won’t actually make you shrink."
“Sweetheart, those rocks aren’t that thirsty.” - to a very serious three-year-old throwing increasingly larger rocks into puddles.
"There are some things you should not put ketchup on."
… A PB&J, for example.
I remember one time my brain just didn't think before it spoke. My son had a birthday party one year I think he was like 12 at the time. He had a friend over I had only met once in passing. Sweetest boy ever. Said sweet boy had a fake eye that I didn't know about. So I heard my son tell him as I walked into the room they were playing video games in to check on the handful of boys. He said "Show her!" I was thinking it was something on the game. Sweet Boy took out his eye and in my brain panic I looked at my Son and said "What the f**k did you do?" All the kids cracked up. Then I laughed because obviously nothing had happened....that day. Then like a curious kid I sat down and asked him all kinds of questions. He was such a sweet boy. (he moved a year later so they can't hang out anymore.)
When my friend complained of muscle aches after moving day, her very bright 9-y/o said the extra exertion brought on the muscle aches because of a build-up of GALACTIC ACID. (Give that kid ice cream, stat!)
Eww. But I bet it's a real workout for his/her immune system
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My friend overheard this in a stadium washroom: "I know you dirtied your pants...but WHERE DID YOU PUT THEM?"
My parents have to tell me and my friend WaffleIron to stop screaming "YOU PUT THE PEEPS IN THE CHILLI POT AND ADD THE M&M'S." There are more lyrics but that would take to long and I need to get to the next article.
Exchange between my daughter-in-law and my 4 year old grandson: “Did you throw your underwear into the neighbor’s yard?” “Yep!”
I remember one time my brain just didn't think before it spoke. My son had a birthday party one year I think he was like 12 at the time. He had a friend over I had only met once in passing. Sweetest boy ever. Said sweet boy had a fake eye that I didn't know about. So I heard my son tell him as I walked into the room they were playing video games in to check on the handful of boys. He said "Show her!" I was thinking it was something on the game. Sweet Boy took out his eye and in my brain panic I looked at my Son and said "What the f**k did you do?" All the kids cracked up. Then I laughed because obviously nothing had happened....that day. Then like a curious kid I sat down and asked him all kinds of questions. He was such a sweet boy. (he moved a year later so they can't hang out anymore.)
When my friend complained of muscle aches after moving day, her very bright 9-y/o said the extra exertion brought on the muscle aches because of a build-up of GALACTIC ACID. (Give that kid ice cream, stat!)
Eww. But I bet it's a real workout for his/her immune system
Load More Replies... My friend overheard this in a stadium washroom: "I know you dirtied your pants...but WHERE DID YOU PUT THEM?"
My parents have to tell me and my friend WaffleIron to stop screaming "YOU PUT THE PEEPS IN THE CHILLI POT AND ADD THE M&M'S." There are more lyrics but that would take to long and I need to get to the next article.
Exchange between my daughter-in-law and my 4 year old grandson: “Did you throw your underwear into the neighbor’s yard?” “Yep!”
