If any creepy entity has ever lived through a renaissance of a worldwide scale, it has to be the vampires. Come to think of it, they were never really gone from our pop culture since, probably, the start of culture, but the recent decade or so reminded us what a significant part of our society vampires are. Well, at least a significant part of various movies, TV shows, podcasts, memes, and… hilarious jokes! That's right; we're sparking the embers of the vampire craze ablaze with our latest article dedicated solely to vampire jokes!
The blood-sucking, ethereally charming human beasts have been ruling our imaginations since the dawn of humankind. But now we know better than to be scared of them, for sure! Now, we have these jokes about vampires to laugh right in the white faces of centuries-old creatures of the dark. And, well, the creepier the subject, the more deliciously spooky jokes you get! One might even think that these funny vampire jokes were tailor-made to be a part of your Halloween festivities. A new tradition, perhaps?
So, ready to check out our selection of deliciously spooky jokes? If so, scroll on down below, and that's where you will find our vampire jokes all ready to amuse you! Be sure to give your vote for the best jokes, and share this article with anyone in need of some Halloween-appropriate jokes.
Robert Pattinson is the worst vampire ever. Took him 15 years to figure out how to turn himself into a bat.
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How does Dracula get his torch to turn on?
With bat-teries.
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What should you never yell at a vampire while arguing?
"Bite me!"
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What did the child vampire say before going to bed?
“Turn on the dark mummy, I’m scared of the light.”
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Why don’t vampires like mosquitos?
Too much competition.
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Why don’t mosquitoes bite vampires?
As a professional courtesy.
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What did the vampire say after drinking blood from a bodybuilder?
"Whew, that’s strong!"
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Why should you never tell a vampire to get a life?
Because it might decide to take yours.
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What did the vampire doctor say to his patient?
You need more iron.
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Why are vampires bad artists?
Because they always want to draw blood.
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What’s a vampire’s least favorite song?
“Another One Bites The Dust.”
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Heard about the vampire who was locked up in an asylum?
He went batty.
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Why do vampires like to scare people?
Because they are bored to death!
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What is a vampire’s favorite fast food?
A person with very high blood pressure.
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What is worse than a hungry vampire?
A thirsty vampire.
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"I stabbed a vampire, beat zombies to death and killed devil itself... my wife rushes through the room and shouts, 'You're supposed to give them candies, Frank!'"
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How do you kill a French vampire?
You have to stab him/her with a baguette. It sounds easy, but the process is painstaking.
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Why don't vampires use autocorrect?
Because they love Type Os.
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Why don’t vampires just eat juicy meats full of blood?
Too much cholesterol can get them a steak through the heart.
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What is the name of Dracula's vegan brother?
Count rucola.
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Where does Dracula buy writing utensils from?
Pencil-veinia.
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What do vampires drink at happy hour?
B-Positive.
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What’s a vampires least favorite city?
Philadelphia, because it’s always sunny.
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Why are vampires so naive?
Because they are born suckers.
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How do vampires get into houses?
Through the bat flap!
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How does a vampire pay the mortgage?
With cryptocurrency.
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What's the differnce between Jesus and a vampire?
Where you stick the wooden stake.
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What is Dracula's favorite coffee order?
Decoffinated.
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What would you get when you cross a vampire with sheep?
Drac-Ewe-La.
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Why did Dracula divorce his wife after she took a blood test?
She wasn't his type.
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Why does Dracula always read the best-reviewed newspaper?
Someone told him it had good circulation.
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Why can you never win in a boxing match with Dracula?
Nobody can ever beat the Count.
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Why did Dracula take cold medicine?
Because he was coffin too much.
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Why are all other monsters good friends with Dracula?
Because they could always count on him.
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Where does Dracula usually take a bath?
In bat tubs.
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What is Dracula's favorite fruit?
Neck-tarines.
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What happened at the vampire sprint race?
It finished neck and neck.
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What is a vampire's favorite ice cream flavor?
It's vein-illa.
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Why was the local vampire club getting bigger constantly?
They are always out for new blood.
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What type of vampires are always grumpy?
The ones with B negative blood type.
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What do vampire's usually call their boats?
Blood vessel.
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What is a vampire's favorite brand of beer?
Bloodweiser.
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Why do vampires refuse to bet on horses?
Because of their inability to handle the stakes.
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What would you get when you cross a vampire with a snowman?
Frostbite.
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What is a redneck vampire's favorite drink?
Blood Light.
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What is a vampire s favorite drink when they party?
Bloody Mary.
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Do you know why I broke up with my vampire girlfriend?
Because she sucked the life out of me.
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How many vampires will it take to change a light bulb?
None, why would they need it.
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What do you call a vampire who went to the beach?
Ash.
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What’s a vampires worst fear?
Tooth decay!
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"I sucked a vampire’s blood once. It was ironic."
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What do you get if you cross a vampire with a MacBook?
Love at first byte.
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How do you kill a gluten free vampire?
Use garlic bread.
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What fast food do vampires crave the most?
Joggers.
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Where did the vampire get all his jokes from?
A crypt writer!
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What song do most vampires despise?
“You are my sunshine.”
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What did the vampire say her new apprentice?
"It’s nice to have some fresh blood around here."
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What’s the referee in a Transylvanian soccer game called?
A Vumpire!
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Why do vampires love the south?
Because of all the red necks.
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Who has the most dangerous job in Transylvania?
The dentist serving all the vampires.
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Why are vampires so impulsive?
They don’t ever reflect on things.
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What’s a vampire’s favorite sport?
Batminton
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What do you get when you cross a school teacher and a vampire?
Lots of blood tests.
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What did the vampire say to their human girlfriend?
"See you next month."
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What is a male vampire's pronouns in the sunlight?
He/hiss.
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What do you call a blind vampire?
Count see.
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If a cup has had holy water in it, a vampire should never drink from it again. There's too much risk of cross contamination.
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Why did Dracula turn over a new leaf?
He wanted to be re-vamped.
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What does Dracula say to greet everyone when he wakes up?
Good evening.
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What would Dracula with a guitar be called?
Vondervall.
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Why did Superman fail to defeat Dracula?
He could not go to the krypt tonight.
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What was the favorite subject of Dracula in school?
Ac-count-ing.
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Why is Dracula not invited to parties?
Because he sucks the life out of them.
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What would you call a vampire on sale?
A dis-Count Dracula.
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How did the vampire feel when he was partying at the club?
He had a bloody good time.
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Why do vampires not want to become investment bankers?
They hate stakeholders.
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Why do vampires need mouthwash?
To combat bat breath.
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Why are vampires massive sociopaths?
They have zero capability of self-reflection.
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Where do vampires deposit all their money?
The blood bank.
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What is a cross-dressing vampire called?
A Dragula.
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Why do vampires like attacking wizards?
They are neck-romancers.
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What does the doctor vampire say when he calls up a patient?
"Necks please!"
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How does a hacker vampire kill its victims?
With a kill-o-byte.
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What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
The vampire only sucks blood at night.
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Why did the vampire go to the blood bank?
He needed to make a withdrawal!
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Why did the vampire keep acting all batty?
It was in his blood.
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Why do vampires chew gum?
Because they have bat breath.
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What is a vampire’s favorite dessert?
You scream and I scream.
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What did the polite vampire say?
Fang you very much!
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What is a vampire’s favorite building in New York?
The Vampire State Building.
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What do you call a vampire stranded on the side of the road a mile away from the blood bank?
You call him a cab!
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Why is a vampire a good party guest?
Because he eats necks to nothing!
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What do you call a vampire hunter that lies a lot?
Bluffy the Vampire Slayer.
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Why did the vampire drive on the 405 Freeway?
He heard it was a main artery.
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What’s a vampire’s favorite Shakespeare play?
A Midsummer Bite’s Dream.
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Why did Dracula go to the dentist?
Fang Decay.
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Did you hear about the vampire who thought he was a violinist?
His bach was worse than his bite.
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What do you call a vampire with asthma?
Vlad the Inhaler.
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How does a female vampire flirt?
She bats her eyes!
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How are vampires like false teeth?
They both come out at night.
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Would you buy the vampire’s antique mirror?
The ad says “I have no use for it, excellent condition; Never used.”
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What do you call a short vampire?
A pain in the knee!
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Did you hear about the vampire who became a poet?
He went from bat to verse.
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Why did the Vampire read the Wall Street Journal?
He heard it had the best circulation.
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What is a vampire’s favorite fast food restaurant?
Murder King!
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What do you call a duck with fangs?
Quackula.
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What do the Pips and a vampire have in common?
They’re both Glad-it’s Knight.
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How do ghosts say goodbye to vampires?
“So long, suckers!”
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Why aren’t there any vampires in Africa?
Because they bless the rains down in Africa.
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Why do vampire’s keep repeating the same mistakes?
They lack self-reflection.
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What’s a vampire’s favorite holiday?
Fangs-giving.
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How does a vampire start a letter?
Tomb it may concern.
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What did the ancient vampire say to the mirror?
“Is this thing on?”
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What do vegans and vampires have in common?
They both won’t eat steak.
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What do you get if you combine a vampire and a dog?
A blood hound!
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What's a vampire's favourite treat?
Haribo fang-tastics!
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What kind of letters do vampires get?
Fang mail!
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Why do vampires hate going to court?
Because of the cross-examinations.
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A vampire walks into a grocery shop and asks for a bread.
The clerk looks at him and asks: 'Aren't you a vampire?'
The vampire says: 'Yes, I am.'
To that the clerk responds: 'Oh, then I have much better stuff for you than bread. I have bloody sausages, nice fresh liver, duck blood, pork blood - whatever you want!'
The vampire replies: 'No, thank you, I want just the bread.'
The clerk asks: 'OK, but tell me - why the bread? I never imagined vampires like bread so much.'
The vampire looks at him, leans closer and says: "There is a huge car crash at the intersection. I want to dip.'
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"People still think there are vampires in Romania. But I haven’t seen one since 1645."
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How do you defeat a vampire using eggs?
Serve ‘em sunny side up.
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Why does Dracula not have friends?
He's such a pain in the neck.
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What happened when Dracula posted prohibited content on Youtube?
A count suspended.
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Why doesn't Dracula attack chickens?
Because chickens have fowl blood.
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What song did Van Hel sing when he killed the last clone of Dracula?
'The Final Countdown'.
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Why did Dracula take up math as a subject in college?
Because he loves to Count.
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Where do vampires not look that scary?
On reflection.
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What is usually the last meal of a vampire before execution?
A steak!
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What is a group of vampire groupies called?
A fang club.
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When do ideas kill vampires?
When they dawn upon them.
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What is a vampire's favorite fruit to eat when they need Vitamin C?
Blood oranges.
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Why are vampire clans so loyal?
Because blood is thicker than water.
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What do you call the viking who was bit by a vampire?
Norseferatu!
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Did you hear about the vampire who only had one fang?
He had to grin and bare it.
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What do you call a dumb vampire?
A silly clot!
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What dance do vampires from Spain love?
The Fang-dango.
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Did you hear about the vampire who died alone?
He had loved in vein.
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Why was the man afraid of the vampire?
It was all bite and no bark!
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What cheese do vampire prefer?
Munster.
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How can you tell when a vampire has visited your bakery?
The jelly has been sucked out of the jelly donuts!
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Did you hear about the vampire who wants to be an actor?
He just hasn’t found a role he can sink his teeth into.
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What is a vampire’s favorite sport?
Casketball.
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What’s a vampire’s favorite type of soup?
Scream of tomato.
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How can you tell that a vampire wants to play baseball?
He will turn into a bat.
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Who is a vampire’s favorite superhero?
Batman.
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Why did the vampire go to the dentist?
He had a fang-ache.
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Who is the best player on vampire soccer teams?
The ghoulscorer.
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Why should you avoid competing against a vampire?
Because they are always out for blood.
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What's a vampires favourite lipstick shade?
Blood red!
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Why are vampires very bad product managers?
Because they refuse to meet with stake holders.
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If vampires were furry creatures, what would they be called?
Nos-fur-atu.
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Where do vampires eat their lunch?
At the casketeria.
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What do you call a stone cold killer vampire with no regard for the law?
A fangsta!
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Why are vampires evil?
They can’t ever reflect on who they are.
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Would you rather be attacked by a vampire or a werewolf?
"I’d rather have the vampire attack the werewolf!"
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How do you stop a vampire from breeding?
Don't give it permission to come inside.
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