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129 Things Our Parents Told Us As Kids That We Realized Were Toxic Only When We Became Adults
No matter where you fall on the spectrum of parenting styles or what your specific beliefs are regarding child-rearing, as a parent, there are some things you should say and do to your kids. Sharing words of appreciation and showering them with genuine love can do a lot to help your child grow up feeling loved, secure, and happy.
Let’s flip the coin, and we have a wide range of things you should NEVER say to children. Well, unless your goal is to create the most toxic environment possible.
This is our piece of parenting advice for you today: a kid’s brain is like a sponge, ready to absorb everything you say, especially considering that as their parent, they look up to you. Certain words and the intentions behind them can be incredibly hurtful and damaging and leave a lasting invisible scar. Believe it or not, some everyday phrases may do more harm than good and only serve to drive a wedge between you and your child.
When it comes to parenting, nothing is ever a guarantee — and that includes you always getting it right — but there’s always a way to better parenting. Let’s start with the things parents should never say, and you’ll already be doing a lot to break the cycle of toxic parenting, allowing your house to be a safer place for your little ones. You’ll find that some of these submissions are blatantly destructive, while others are indeed said with good intentions but still carry a hint of venom in certain circumstances.
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"Why can't you be more like your sister/brother?"
I was the "golden" child when a parent compared my brother to me. I didn't realize it at the time, but it put more of a wedge between us. He shouldn't have been expected to be able to behave in a manner four years older than his level, but if he didn't, it meant more beatings and screaming... leading to even greater efforts at perfection on my part (because sometimes the abuse towards him would come my way too)... leading to him never being able to "be more like your sister." 💔
"You did great on your test, but why can't you do that all the time?"
"Ugh, you are just like your mother/father."
whenever ive been told this its never with bad intent, just an observation. But it still destroyed me.
"I know what’s best for you."
It's not ok decide every aspect of your child's life and future on the ground "I know what's best of you" of course, but it's ok to prevent your toddler to jump from the balcony trying to emulate superman on the ground "I know what it's best for you". The sentence alone doesn't mean anything without a specific context
"Don't eat that or you will get fat."
I've been told this my entire life! "Don't eat that icecream, you will become a pig!" "Don't eat that [fried] chicken, you will get fat!" "Don't eat that burger, you want to be cow?" Well, I grew up fat anyways, even if I did stay away from those things. I was really sad when my cousins got to eat icecream at the beach and I couldn't....
"You live under my roof and you follow my rules."
Without some sort of context, I fail to see how this is toxic. Parents get to make the house rules.
"That's the way I was raised and I turned out fine."
"Don’t you want mommy to be happy?"
Emotional blackmail. I remember reading this post where a mom forced her 3 year old to breastfeed so her chest wouldn't hurt. Some people just should NOT be parents.
“'You always …'” or 'You never …'”
Oh! Look, im first here. “You guys NEVER respond first!” (Meant as joke plz no downvote)
"I couldn’t do that so you probably can’t either."
"Because I’m an adult and you’re a child."
And yet… Greta Thunberg. Emma Gonzalez. Malala Yousafzai. Jazz Jennings. (There are boys too but I don’t have any off the top of my head).
"What's wrong with you?"
"Stop crying right now!"
I used to have regular evening panic attacks (0 stars. would not recommend) and my mom can’t deal with anything after 8:30- I don’t judge her, emotional disregulation is real, literally why I had said panic attacks- so it would usually end up with her yelling at me to shut up or go away, me being physically incapable of moving and just straight-up bawling, and dad being the pissed off mediator.
"Stop being so selfish and needy."
I was told this by my bipolar mother when I was 16. I was having my own mental health breakdown, my parents had just divorced, I wanted my mum but she was off smoking weed, boinking any men she could find and riding around on motorbikes. I got told I was too clingy and that I was 16, I was old enough to look after myself. I moved out not long afterwards and I've lived on my own every since. Mum has since apologised to me for this because she's now being treated for her bipolar and has been stable for years. She says she feels shame for how she treated me.
"That’s only for boys/girls."
When will our world have equal opportunities for both genders? Did you know that if women farmers were given the same resources as men, we would achieve the SDG goal of ZERO HUNGER. Gender Inequality is tied to a lot of the other goals, you know.
"I do everything for you!"
for people who havnt been told this and nont see it as toxic, its usually said in responce to a child asking their parent to do something that the child cannot or to be a parent.
"You'll never amount to anything."
Don't come crawling to me when I become a MILLIONAIRE!!!! (Confidence is key to success, IMO).
"Your father/mother left because of you."
My ex husband gave me an ultimatum. The baby or me. I was 10 weeks pregnant. I had my baby as a single mam at 17. I would never,ever of blamed my son fir that situation. He did nit ask to be born. Some parents are so nasty
"That's just not good enough."
Once again context is everything. If a 12 year old did the dishes and left crusty chunks on everything, this sentence would be absolutely fair.
"You're an idiot!"
"You have awful taste in music/movies/art/sports."
my mom made me listen to classical music a lot as a little kid (like very little, ages 3-5) cuz she says it'll make me smart when i'm older, now she disapproves of me listening to classical music while studying cuz apparently it makes me not concentrate. meanwhile she's blaring those old-school chinese songs on speaker. i guess anything that's not Mozart or Beethoven isn't classical music. smh
"How could anyone like you?"
"I'm so fat. I need to go on a diet!"
children see their parents as rolemodels. this can cause them to develop an eating disorder as a result of their parents own poor self image.
"That's not very ladylike of you."
*burp. fart. toe tapping. dress covered in stains because REBEL AGAINST THE FORMALWEAR. playing with food. scratching butt. picking nose* “Huh? Sorry, I couldn’t hear you over me not caring!”
"I could do that when I was your age."
"I'll disown you."
threatening to disown yourchildren is highly likely to result in them developing abandonment issues later in life
"If you don’t want to follow the rules, get out of my house."
"You're a boy. You're supposed to like sports."
Gently inform them that we are living in the 21st century, and that that is sexist bullcrap.
"I wish I never had kids."
"Don’t ask me then, if you’re just going to do it your own way."
"Don't make me turn the car around."
"Why can't you do anything right?"
"That outfit doesn't look good on you."
I told my kid the truth when we would shop, I also helped her to learn what works best with her figure, and I also told her that if something in the store just makes no sense to u and u think it's awful, u need to grab it and try it on as it may end up being one of the best things u have ever put on urself, or not and then we had some laughs. Shopping and experimenting should be fun, and it's OK to go out in an epic fail of an outfit!!!
"Your sister/brother does it better than you."
"I wish you would be more like your cousin/classmate/friend."
My friend Kaden was the person I should have been. My mom always compared me to him.
"You shouldn't be feeling this way."
Literally one of the most damaging possible things to say to a child who’s brain is STILL DEVELOPING.
"You don't feel that way."
My mom said this when I said I wanted to live with my dad. She said that he was just manipulating me. I was sixteen and hadn't talked to him in a year.
"You make me so angry."
How about "You like making me angry, don't you? You do this on purpose!"
"You should always listen to adults."
“Hey kid, c’mere, I got some real good candy in this old white van of mine… yeah, sure, a puppy too… no, I’m not suspicious at a- ah SHITE, the cops are here!!”
"Don’t come to me when you get into trouble."
No, please come to me as soon as u smell trouble, I am here to help, always. Come to me so we can't limit said trouble and/or figure a way out of it. Remember u have a whole lot of years more experience than ur kids, what was the point of going through all that if u withhold ur knowledge from those u love the most????
"Big boys/girls don't get scared."
"Thinking about sex is bad at your age."
"Stop being such a girl."
And asking themselves why their daughter have self confidence issues...
"I don't believe you."
Sometimes kids lie a lot. Sometimes they're really bad at it. I don't see a problem with this if you can be fairly sure that they are.
"What do you know about life?"
"Family finances aren’t your business."
This cuts both ways, u should not talk about financial worries with ur kids, but u should teach them about finances, like bank accounts, credit cards, large long term purchases like homes and cars, and generally how to properly manage money (I don't know why they don't teach this in school)
"You’re my reason for living."
for anyone wondering why this can be toxic, its because it putts alot of pressure on the kid at a young age. Leading them to feel responsible for their parents mental health and happiness.
"That's not how you do it. Let me show you."
"'B' is fine but an 'A' is more better."
My mom said this about my schoolwork. She wanted straight A's. I graduated with a 3.5 GPA while being punished for bad grades throughout the entirety of my High school career. I wasn't allowed to hang out with friends, go to school events, or even do fun stuff with the family. I was only allowed to be at home, work, or school, and she almost made me quit my job.
"Medical procedure won’t hurt and medicines are just candy."
"You're so shy."
"You're so dramatic."
"You are different."
"You are not supposed to know it."
"Choose another dream."
"You are way better than that kid!"
Eh. If you’re being bullied, it can be nice. But it does teach entitlement.
"You are playing that game wrong!"
If you’re having fun, you’re doing it right (unless it’s dangerous)
"I hate math, I was never good at it."
I hated math until I got into algebra and realized it was more like solving puzzles than memorizing boring thing after thing after thing.
Stop calling little girls "bossy."
"You're a liar."
"I don't know how we are going to pay the bills this month."
my dad used to vent to me about nearly every problem he had. whether it be my mother, finances, politics, or hid gf at the time. I think it lead to alot of my problems today.
"I wouldn't do that if I were you."
...and again, depending on the context, this could be sound advice. This list is terrible.
"You're a bad kid."
I got ridiculed by my family when I told them to not call my son a "bad boy" when he did something wrong. He wasn't a bad boy, he just did something wrong. My son is 38 and they still give me sh!t about it. But I am glad I put my foot down on this! No one was going to call my kid "bad."
"I will never let anything bad happen to you."
This should be a true statement, but at the same time u need to teach ur kid that bad things happen even when u do everything right. But there are solutions to most of the bad things in life. Teach ur kids how to properly navigate the ups and downs that the world and life are gonna hurl at us.
"Don’t ask any more questions."
"That doesn’t sound realistic."
Yeah. They’re a little kid with an imagination. Let them be a kid!
"How could I say no to that gorgeous face?"
"I used drugs and smoked when I was a kid."
Actually idk, keeping secrets and stuff doesn't exactly help, when the kids are a little bit older you should be able to be open about it and to talk about why you shouldn't have done what you did
"You are my little perfect angel!"
for people wondering why this is toxic its because it puts pressure on the kid to be perfect
"When I was your age, I had the hottest girlfriend."
Eww. Noooo. And these same people are freaking out about teaching kids that gay people exist will somehow sexualize them.
"We’ll never afford that."
Context, I told my kid when she started school that the state college is great but if she ever wanted to leave here she needed to work hard in school try to get scholarships because we would never be able to afford to pay for her to go to college out of state (if that is what SHE wants to do). And that is exactly what she did, went to college on the east coast, graduated with zero debt.
"Don't go out in the dark."
Some of those are legitimately awful thing to say to a kid. Others just needs more context. Like "I don't know who ate your candy" for example. What if I really don't know who did it. Am I supposed to lie? It's wrong just if it is you that ate that candy and you are lying about it. Or "there nothing to be afraid of". You shouldn't be dismissive of your child feeling, but it can be said in a supportive way among other things if you are trying to encourage your child to try something new. Some of those without context doesn't mean anything imo
"oh honey! It's okay that you're terrible at math! Just marry a smart man!" I was 9 and dyslexic. Cool cool cool
Sheesh. Already pushing sexist and heteronormative BS on your kid, on top of the casual insult to intelligence. Welcome to team neurospicy!
Load More Replies... Oh.. a couple of these are my parents. Especially my mum
Some of those are legitimately awful thing to say to a kid. Others just needs more context. Like "I don't know who ate your candy" for example. What if I really don't know who did it. Am I supposed to lie? It's wrong just if it is you that ate that candy and you are lying about it. Or "there nothing to be afraid of". You shouldn't be dismissive of your child feeling, but it can be said in a supportive way among other things if you are trying to encourage your child to try something new. Some of those without context doesn't mean anything imo
"oh honey! It's okay that you're terrible at math! Just marry a smart man!" I was 9 and dyslexic. Cool cool cool
Sheesh. Already pushing sexist and heteronormative BS on your kid, on top of the casual insult to intelligence. Welcome to team neurospicy!
Load More Replies... Oh.. a couple of these are my parents. Especially my mum
