54 Things Basically Everyone Has Done But Probably Won’t Admit To

You confidently read the microwave instructions, toss the box into the trash, and then immediately have to perform a shame-filled rescue mission because you instantly forgot how many minutes it needed.

That heated argument you're having with your boss in the shower is a masterpiece of rhetoric, complete with devastating comebacks and a mic-drop conclusion. This conversation will, of course, never actually happen, but you have rehearsed it to absolute perfection just in case.

The "Family Size" label on a bag of chips is a delightful work of fiction. That bag has never seen a family gathering in its life; its destiny is to be a loyal companion for a single person through one entire movie.

You pull out your phone with the singular, noble purpose of checking the time. Ten minutes and a deep dive into 17 different apps later, you put your phone away, only to realize you still have absolutely no idea what time it is.

"Oh, I'd love to, but I already have plans that night." These "plans" are, of course, a non-negotiable appointment with your couch, a cozy blanket, and the entire catalog of a streaming service.

Oh, you need the shredded cheese? Let me just stand here and suddenly become intensely fascinated by the nutritional information on this tub of sour cream.

That glorious weekend day when the pajamas you slept in seamlessly transition into your daytime loungewear, and then, with a stunning lack of effort, back into your sleepwear for the night. It's the sartorial equivalent of a perfect, unbroken circle of comfort.

The frantic, heart-stopping search for your phone, complete with pocket pats and bag rummaging, is a daily ritual. This mini-drama almost always ends when you realize you've been holding it, or even worse, actively using it as a flashlight to aid in the search.

The moment you slip into a freshly made bed, an ancient, instinctual ritual takes over. A few satisfying leg-rubs are the universal, non-verbal signal to the brain that optimal coziness has been achieved and shutdown procedures can now commence.

Packing a book for the beach is a beautiful act of optimism. Its only real adventure, however, will be getting a light dusting of sand on it while serving as a paperweight for a towel.

That USB plug possesses a fundamental, physical need to be inserted incorrectly the first time, then flipped, then flipped back to its original position before it will consent to go in. The self-checkout machine creates the "unexpected item in the bagging area" error purely for the joy of watching you squirm under the gaze of other shoppers. Every object in your home has a specific, malevolent purpose, and you are the target of their very well-coordinated conspiracy.

That empty cardboard tube from a roll of wrapping paper undergoes an immediate and glorious transformation the moment the last of the paper is gone. It is no longer a piece of trash; it is now a sword, a lightsaber, or a telescope, and it must be used for at least one dramatic duel before it can be thrown away.

Your brain is completely convinced that a lower volume on the car stereo directly translates to enhanced visual acuity. Need to find that tricky street sign at night? Obviously, the first step is to mute the power ballad you were just belting out.

The moment the headphones go on, the mundane walk to the bus stop instantly transforms into the opening scene of a critically acclaimed film. Every step is perfectly in sync with the beat, and the other pedestrians are now just well-placed extras in the music video for which you are the undisputed star.

A second trip is a sign of weakness, a walk of shame that the soul cannot endure. Therefore, all ten bags will be looped onto your forearms, the case of seltzer will be precariously balanced on top, and you will somehow clutch the keys with your teeth if necessary, all to honor the sacred principle of The One Trip.

The day is over, the lights are off, and your brain knows it's time for sleep. But your thumbs have one last, very important mission: to spend the next 45 minutes matching colorful gems or building a virtual farm, a crucial ritual before allowing the body to finally rest.

"Oh, that important email from three weeks ago? I'm so sorry, you absolutely have to check your spam folder, it's just so aggressive these days." It's the perfect, blameless alibi for an inbox you consciously ghosted.

After flipping over the price tag, you experience a brief moment of internal, sticker-shock-induced cardiac arrest. You then immediately transition into the role of a serious, thoughtful connoisseur, nodding knowingly at the item before gently placing it back down as if you are merely "considering your options."

You bought that bag of spinach with the noble intention of becoming a healthier, more vibrant version of yourself. A week later, you find it in the back of the fridge, transformed into a sad bag of primordial ooze, paying homage to your forgotten nutritional ambitions.

Someone replies to your email, and the very first thing you do is ignore their response and scroll down to meticulously re-read your original message. You need to first confirm that you were brilliant, articulate, and completely justified before you can even begin to process what they had to say.

The kitchen, with its superior acoustics and convenient access to snacks, is the undisputed main stage for a spontaneous, one-person dance party. This sacred ritual, often performed while waiting for the microwave, involves a series of made-up but joyful dance moves that must never be witnessed by another living soul.

That quiet moment before you leave the house, when you look your dog straight in the eyes and deliver a heartfelt, motivational speech about the importance of being a good boy and not eating the couch cushions while you're gone. You're pretty sure he understands every word.

As you approach the TSA checkpoint, you suddenly transform into the most polite, rule-abiding, and non-threatening human being on the planet. You make friendly, unblinking eye contact, offer up your laptop with a cheerful smile, and generally behave as if your entire future depends on a stellar performance review from the person checking your ID.

That glorious, silent moment when you walk through the door and realize the house is completely empty. No one to talk to, no one to answer to. Just you, the remote control, and a blissful, uninterrupted stretch of pure, golden solitude.

That moment of pure, unadulterated bliss when a stubborn pimple finally yields to the pressure. It's a small, slightly gross, but undeniably triumphant victory in the ongoing war against your own face.

That split-second decision when your foot catches on absolutely nothing and you have to instantly convert that stumble into a suave, little shuffle-skip. Nailed it.

That post-shower towel cocoon is a sacred and lawless time. You're not wet, but you're not dressed, and for a solid, unexplainable 20 minutes, you'll just sit there, scrolling through your phone in a state of suspended, damply-wrapped animation.

Even though you know with 99.9% certainty that your bathroom is empty, there's always that tiny, movie-fueled suspicion that a masked villain might be lurking behind the shower curtain. A quick, theatrical rip of the curtain is the only way to silence that irrational, cinematic fear.

You're just trying to take a nice picture of the sunset, but you accidentally hit the wrong button, and suddenly you're face-to-face with a terrifying, unflattering, up-the-nostrils live feed of yourself. It's a jump scare more effective than any horror movie.

When the cashier hands you a jumble of bills, coins, and a mile-long receipt, the social pressure is on. There's no time for organization and the only option is to frantically cram the entire mess into your wallet or pocket in one chaotic wad, a problem for Future You to deal with later.

Someone sits down next to you on the park bench just as you were about to leave. Now you're trapped. You have to wait a socially acceptable amount of time (at least a solid three minutes) before getting up, just so they don't think they personally scared you away.

The full-length mirror is your runway, the bedroom is your backstage, and the audience is a pile of clothes on your bed.

You know deep down that repeatedly smashing the elevator button won't make it arrive any faster, but your finger seems to operate under its own set of very optimistic, very impatient rules.

You are the undisputed headliner of Traffic-chella, delivering a flawless, concert-level performance complete with passionate lip-syncing and dramatic steering wheel drum solos. The show comes to an abrupt and mortifying end the moment you make eye contact with the driver in the next lane, who has clearly been enjoying your free concert from their front-row seat.

Your online shopping cart is not a place for immediate purchases. It's a carefully curated museum of your aspirational self. It's a beautiful, hopeful place where that artisanal pasta maker and those leather pants will live, untouched and un-purchased, for all eternity.

You craft the perfect, slightly judgmental text about someone, hit send, and then experience that ice-cold wave of horror as you realize you've sent it directly to them.

Forget their bookshelf; the real, uncensored story of a person's life is told by the collection of expired prescriptions and fancy skincare samples in their medicine cabinet. A quick, silent peek is simply a form of biographical research.

The song "Happy Birthday" is performed with the power and confidence of a national anthem for exactly three of its four lines. That third line, the one containing the actual name, is a moment of collective panic where the group's volume suddenly drops to a low, indecipherable mumble before triumphantly returning for the grand finale.

You completely missed the punchline, but the social cue is clear: everyone is laughing. Time to deploy the generic, medium-volume chuckle and pray to every known deity that nobody follows up with, "What was your favorite part?"

You made eye contact with a stranger for 0.7 seconds, and now your brain has initiated a full-scale crisis management protocol. Do you look away? Do you smile? Do you look again to confirm it wasn't a fluke? Now you've looked again, and it's just gotten weirder for everyone involved.

That three-page, perfectly crafted email is a literary masterpiece of righteous indignation, complete with bullet points and quoted evidence of past transgressions. It will be re-read for personal satisfaction at least five times before being triumphantly deleted, its therapeutic purpose fully served.

Your closet is a museum dedicated to a wide variety of t-shirts, each representing a different phase of your life or a vacation you once took. Despite this impressive collection, your daily wardrobe decisions will always come down to a fierce debate between the faded gray one and the slightly less faded blue one.

You started with a minor headache, but after a 15-minute, terrifying journey through a series of medical websites, you are now completely convinced you have a rare, incurable tropical disease. It was a good run, but your time is clearly up.

That moment of pure panic when you see a familiar face walking towards you and your brain's search engine for names just completely crashes. Time to break out the old reliable: "Heyyyy, buddy!"

You've spent the last three hours scrolling on your computer, so now it's time for a well-deserved break. You pick up your phone and start scrolling there, because that's a completely different kind of screen time.

You're supposed to be reading your menu, but the couple at the next table is having a hushed, dramatic argument, and now you are a third member of this relationship. You are now emotionally invested, have already picked a side, and will be furious if they leave before you get to hear how it ends.

You tell everyone you're catching up on a critically acclaimed historical drama, but in reality, you're three seasons deep into a show about impossibly wealthy people arguing on a yacht. You know it's intellectual junk food, but you just can't stop, and you will defend the honor of your favorite cast member to the bitter end.

You've found the perfect lighting and angle, but someone just walked into your vicinity. Time to immediately switch to a look of intense concentration, tapping randomly at your screen as if you're composing an incredibly important email and not, in fact, trying to capture your own face for the fifth time.

You'll wander up and down the shoreline like a surveyor mapping uncharted territory, scrutinizing the sand-to-towel ratio and proximity to the water of every potential location. After a thorough and exhausting analysis, you'll inevitably settle on a spot that is functionally identical to the first one you passed.

There is a brief, hopeful moment of anticipation as you open the card, followed by the lightning-fast emotional pivot to "Oh, wow, thank you so much, the message is what really matters!" Your performance is flawless and utterly convincing.

While holding a shampoo bottle as a makeshift trophy, you deliver a moving and eloquent acceptance speech in the shower. You thank your agent, your family, and, of course, the academy, choking back a single, well-rehearsed tear of joy before the curtain of water closes on your triumphant moment.

You might not remember your own cousin's birthday, but you can deliver a detailed, 20-minute TED Talk on the complete relationship history of two celebrities you have never met. This encyclopedic knowledge is a useless but deeply satisfying superpower.

During a game of "Never Have I Ever," a well-timed sip of your drink can instantly transform you from the person who's never been on a rollercoaster into a seasoned, worldly adventurer. Conversely, keeping your hand firmly planted on your glass can just as easily erase that one incredibly weird thing you did in middle school from the public record.

You start with a casual glance at a coworker's profile, and three hours later, you're deep in a rabbit hole, examining the vacation photos of their cousin's best friend from 2014. Some would call it stalking stalking. You call it a very, very thorough digital anthropology.