We all like to crack jokes and laugh — even the smartest ones. While most of us usually crack some dark humor jokes or pre-prepared corny jokes, others, like bookworms and philosophy students, prefer to use smart jokes. As the name suggests, you might have to rack your brain to see the joke. But once you get them, it will be hard to hold in the smile or laugh. There are even some smart jokes for adults with some interesting twists and turns, which require a more mature audience to understand.
It’s no secret that intelligence and humor are closely linked to each other. It’s common for smart people to have a witty sense of humor. They can tell a joke and understand the ones told to them. Often, clever jokes are their bread and butter. But not everything is based on the intelligence of a person. Any comedic genius will tell you that the most vital parts of intellectual jokes are the timing, delivery, and punchline. That’s something to keep in mind!
Before you start gathering your friends for a party or a casual get-together, prepare your brain with some of the funniest jokes for smart people. With the list below, show off your witty humor by upvoting the ones you found to be truly funny. Comment below if a joke made you think about the punchline, which, after understanding it, made you smile.
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A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, “No, I’m traveling light.”
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses five feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses five feet to the right. The statistician yells, “We got ’em!”
People often accuse me of stealing other’s jokes and being a plagiarist. Their words — not mine…
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
There are of course examples, like "I didn't do nothing!" which we could argue about for days.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
"I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There’s a knob called brightness, but it doesn’t work."
Used to be a shop in Dublin called "Knobs and Knockers" selling door knobs and knockers. Just writing to see if it's gonna be censored
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, "Dry?"
The German replies, "Nein, just one."
Background: drei is German for 3, and it's pronounced like dry.
Queue is spelled just with Q and four silent letters.
No, it’s not. They’re just waiting their turn.
What’s the difference between a chemist and a plumber?
Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
Two men walk into a bar. One says, "I’ll have some H20." The other says, "I’ll have some H20, too." The second man died.
What do you do with a chemist who is ill?
First, you try to helium, then you try to curium, but if this fails then you have to barium.
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
It's pedantic but the average is less than one breast and less than one testicle. Bad things happen.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A fish.
Who does Polyphemus hate more than Odysseus?
Nobody.
For those like me who had forgotten this part of the story - when Odysseus and his men are in a cave, Polyphemus the giant blocks them in and is eating them one by one. Odyssey gets him drunk, and when asked tells the giant his name is "Nobody". When Polyphemus falls asleep, Odysseus holds a wooden stake over the fire and stabs the giant in his one eye, blinding him - he wakes and starts screaming for help and yelling that "Nobody" hurt him, which makes the other giants think he's afflicted by some divine ordeal and recommend prayer. Odysseus and his remaining men then escape by being resourceful with sheep.
Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.” The waitress replies, “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”
A neutron walks into a bar and says, “I’d like a beer. How much will that be?” The bartender answers, “For you? No charge!”
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist?
He got off on a technicality.
Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks if he wants a drink.
“I think not,”- Descartes says. And then he disappears.
This is the point where all the philosophy students start giggling, but explaining why would be putting Descartes before the horse.
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?
He’s 0k.
Three violin manufacturers have all done business for years on the same block in the small town of Cremona, Italy. After years of peaceful co-existence, the Amati family decided to put a sign in their shop window saying: “We make the best violins in Italy.” The Guarneri family soon put a sign in their window proclaiming: “We make the best violins in the world.” Finally, the Stradivarius family posted this sign outside their shop: “We make the best violins on the block.”
This reminds me of the joke with the parrots. A guy wants to buy a parrot, and they have 3 in the shop. The first one is $200 - because it can sing every Mozart symphony. The second is $350 - it can perform Wagner's entire Ring trilogy. The third costs $1000 - "Wow! what does it do?" asks the man. "Nothing I've heard so far," says the owner, "but the other two call him Maestro."
"Knock, knock."
"Who’s there?"
"To."
"To who?"
"No, to whom."
This sentence contains exactly threee erors.
Wait wait wait.. if two errors are spelling, and the third is the number of errors. Then the third error isn't an error unless it's an error. Is this a self fulfilling sentence or a paradoxical one?!? 🤯
Heard about that new band called 1023 MB?
They haven’t had any gigs yet.
A mathematician wanders back home at 3 a.m. and proceeds to get an earful from his wife. "You’re late!", she yells. "You said you’d be home by 11:45!" "Actually, I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12." - the mathematician replies.
And that's why paying attention to prepositions is so important.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says, “Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?” Heisenberg says, “No, but I knew where I was.”
A sign at a music shop:
"Gone chopin. Bach in a minuet."
How many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
Are you kidding? That’s a hardware problem!
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. “You mean a martini?” the bartender asks. The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!” Another Roman walks into the bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers, please.”
A biologist, a physicist, and a mathematician are standing in front of an empty house. They all observe two people walk in, and three people walk out. The biologist tries to explain the phenomenon by stating, “Well, they must have reproduced.” The physicist offers a different explanation; “There must have been an error in measurement.” Then, the mathematician says, “If one more person walks in, then the house will be empty again.”
The two FBI agents in a car up the road say "the guy in the wheelchair walked out without the chair"
What did the DNA say to the other DNA?
"Do these genes make me look fat?"
A ship sailing past a remote island spots a man who has been stranded there for several years. The captain goes ashore to rescue the man and notices three huts.
“What’s the first hut for?” - he asks.
“That’s my house,” - says the castaway.
“What’s the second hut for?”
“That’s my church.”
“And the third hut?”
“Oh, that?” sniffs the castaway. “That’s the church I used to go to.”
I heard this about an English lord. His house, club he goes to, and club he doesn't go to.
A logician’s wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, “Is it a boy or a girl?” The logician says, “Yes.”
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, no minors.”
A Buddhist monk approaches a burger food truck and says, "Make me one with everything." The Buddhist monk pays with a $20 bill, which the vendor takes, puts in his cash box, and closes the lid. "Where’s my change?" - the monk asks. The vendor replies, "Change comes from within."
Two hydrogen atoms are walking down the street together, when suddenly one shouts, "Damnit! I lost my electron!" The other atom asks, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I’m positive!"
Two women walk into a bar and talk about the Bechdel test.
A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre, so the barman gives her one.
First Law of Thermodynamics: "You can’t win."
Second Law of Thermodynamics: "You can’t break even."
Third Law of Thermodynamics: "You can’t stop playing."
"I’d tell you a chemistry joke but you probably won’t get a reaction."
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
A Roman senator comes into the senate fifteen minutes late one day. Cicero is up front making a speech, so he creeps into his seat as quietly as possible and whispers to the guy next to him, “what’s he talking about?” The guy replies, “I don’t know, he hasn’t gotten to the verb.”
What do you say to comfort a logophile?
Their, there, they’re.
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, “Have you read Marx?” He replies, “Yes, it’s these damn wicker chairs.”
"I’m thinking about selling my theremin… I haven’t touched it in years."
What is a physicist’s favorite food?
Fission chips.
What is the least interesting element?
Bohrium.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night?
He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
Helium walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve noble gases here.”
Helium doesn’t react.
What was Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA!
What is the distance from Betelgeuse to Procyon using a standard chart?
About an inch and a half.
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
Rhetorical questions don’t get a response.
A hyperbole is an exaggerated claim. No, really, realllllllllllyyyyy exaggerated. I mean, like, the most exaggerated thing in the history of ever!
How easy is it to count in binary?
It’s as easy as 01 10 1.
Why can’t you trust atoms?
Because they make up everything!
I have this on a tee-shirt... Yay, I feel involved in humor and expressing that I am a nerd at the same time! Oh, its black too, so it's my happy colour.
How do mathematicians scold their children?
"If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times…"
The Higgs Boson walks into a church. The priest says, “We don’t allow Higgs Bosons in here.” The Higgs Boson says, “But without me how can you have mass?”
"I heard that Oxygen and Magnesium got together and I was like 'OMg!'"
Its literally 1 am and im trying not to wake up my gf with my stiffled laughter
Why do engineers confuse Halloween and Christmas?
Because OCT 31= DEC 25.
A molecule tells another: “A free electron once stripped me of an electron after he lepton me. You gotta keep your ion them!”
A patient asks his doctor, "What kind of work do you do?" The doctor replies "Oh, I work with kidneys." The patient responds, "So do you work in nephrology or pediatric orthopedics?"
Pavlov is sitting at a bar when all of a sudden the phone rings. Pavlov gasps, "Oh shoot, I forgot to feed the dogs."
A banker, a politician, and a teacher are having lunch. The waiter brings over 100 after dinner cookies. The banker immediately eats one of the cookies, stuffing 98 more of them in every available pocket of his clothing, comically bulging and overflowing, and likely inedible. The politician and the teacher eye each other over the last cookie. The banker pushes some crumbs over to the politician, leans over, and says "If you can get me that cookie, there's more where that came from.
Intelligence is like an underwear. It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off.
English is weird. It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are hanging out one afternoon. Einstein is bored, so he suggests, “Let’s play hide-and-seek. I’ll be it!” The others agree, so Einstein begins counting. “One… Two… Three…” Pascal runs off right away to find a place to hide. But Newton merely takes out a piece of chalk and draws a 1 meter x 1 meter square. He finishes and steps into the square just as Einstein shouts, “Ready or not — here I come!” Einstein looks up and immediately spots Newton standing right in front of him. He says, “I found you, Pascal!”
Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist?
He got off on technicality.
"God, how long is a million years?"
"To me, it’s about a minute."
"God, how much is a million dollars?"
"To me, it’s a penny."
"God, may I have a penny?"
"Wait a minute."
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
The other day my friend was telling me that I didn’t understand what irony meant which is ironic because we were standing at a bus stop.
An infinite number of Mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer, and so on. After the 7th order, the bartender pours 2 beers and says, "You fellas ought to know your limits."
Are you made of copper and tellurium?
Because you're CuTe.
Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed everything!
#97 Two adder snakes met in the forest one day. The male said "Hey baby, you look awful sexy today, let's go over by that log and do the nasty." The female said "sure," so they crawled over next to the log and did it. A few days later the female laid a bunch of eggs, and a week or so later 32 baby adder snakes hatched and crawled away. Which proves that even adders can multiply by logs.
I try to tell jokes about retired (or unemployed) people but they don't work
Who is the patron saint of email? St Items. Of course, copying people came from St Francis of a CC.
I try to tell jokes about retired (or unemployed) people but they don't work
Who is the patron saint of email? St Items. Of course, copying people came from St Francis of a CC.
