Hear ye, hear ye! The gravity of the matter discussed in this article will be unprecedented! The mass of the topic - insurmountable! The velocity of thoughts spinning in your heart after reading - that of light! The shocking, awe-inspiring, and unbelievable topic is *drum roll* - physics jokes! And here you thought that we were going to be discussing how cute cats are… That, of course, is also a case of great mass, but let's leave it for some other time.
So, physics jokes are probably the science jokes that test your smarts the most. To truly understand them, you have to at least know the basic functionalities of our world. For instance, the fact that apples fall down from a tree instead of floating right into the cosmos. Also, it would be good to understand the basic principles of mass, velocity, electromagnetism, thermodynamics, and quantum mechanics, of course. However, even if you're just a physics newbie, we are itching to show you these scientific jokes - we are so sure that you will find them to be a real riot!
Okay, so now it is time for you to gravitate towards the clever jokes we've prepared for you. They are, as per usual, just an atom down below. Once you're there and have checked out the funny jokes, vote for the ones that gave you a massive case of laughs. After all that is done - be sure to share these cool jokes with anyone who will understand their true gravity!
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What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
Oops.
Why is it best to teach physics on the edge of a cliff?
Because that’s where students have the most potential.
Why was Heisenberg’s wife unhappy?
Because whenever he had the energy, he didn’t have the time.
Have you heard of the physicist who got chilled to absolute zero.
He’s 0K now.
Einstein developed a theory about space.
And it was about time too.
A man at a bar tells the bartender, "I'll have some H2O"
The man next to him says, "I'll have some H2O too"
He dies.
fantastic.. more chemistry than fysics, but still brilliant! Etsy/FutureLondon
Schrodinger and Heisenberg were out driving together when they were pulled over by a policeman.
The cop walks up to the window and asks, “Sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
Heisenberg replies, “No, but I know exactly where I was.”
The cop is unamused and orders the physicists to open their trunk. He looks in and sees a dead cat.
“Do you know there is a dead cat in your trunk?”
Schrodinger replies, “Well, I do now!”
What a physicist hears when he watches Star Wars:
"May the mass times acceleration be with you!"
Why does a burger have less energy than a steak?
Because it’s in its ground state.
What did the Nuclear Physicist have for lunch?
Fission Chips.
A helium atom walks into a bar.
The barman says: "Sorry, we don't serve noble gas."
The helium atom doesn't react.
A string theorist gets caught cheating on his wife and says, "Wait, I can explain everything."
Do you know why physicists are bad at sex?
Because they can’t find the position when they have momentum and when they find a position, they lose the momentum.
How many general-relativity theoretists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to hold the bulb and one to rotate space.
A neutron walks into a bar and asks, “How much for a whiskey?” The bartender smiles and says, “For you, no charge.”
Where does bad light end up?
In prism.
Two atoms were walking down the street. One turns to the other and says,
“Oh, no! I think I lost an electron!”
The other responds, “Are you sure?!?”
“Yes, I’m positive!”
Did you hear about the physicist who was reading a great book on anti-gravity?
He couldn't put it down.
Why is quantum mechanics the original "original hipster"?
It described the universe before it was cool.
Why is electricity an ideal citizen?
Because it conducts itself so well.
How many physicists does it take to change a light bulb?
Eleven. One to do it and ten to co-author the paper.
Physics is the science where it takes long, complicated equations to explain why round balls roll.
What do you call 1 kilogram of falling figs?
1 Fig Newton.
All the physicists meet up in heaven and decide to play a game of hide and seek. They decide that Fermi will be the seeker, so he closes his eyes and begins counting to 100.
All the physicists scatter, except for Newton, who calmly reaches into his pocket, takes out some chalk, and draws a square one metre on a side.
Fermi finishes counting and turns around, seeing Newton standing in his chalk square he yells "I found Newton. Newton is out!"
Newton protests: "No, I'm Newton in a metre square; I'm Pascal. Pascal is out!"
Why can’t you trust an atom?
They make up everything.
What did one electron say to the other electron?
Don’t get excited. You’ll only get into a state!
Relativity: When the family gets together.
Black holes: What you get in black socks.
Critical mass: A big group of film reviewers.
Hyperspace: Where you park at the superstore.
How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, astronomers prefer the dark.
A bar walks into a man… oops, wrong frame of reference.
A neutrino walks through a bar.
Old physicists don’t die; their wavefunctions go to zero as time goes to infinity.
A Higgs Boson walks into church.
The priest says, “You can’t come in here, we don’t allow Higgs Bosons.”
The Higgs Boson says, “But without me, how can you have mass?”
Did you hear about the bi-curious physicist?
She performed a double-slit experiment.
What did the male magnet say to the female magnet?
"From your backside, I thought you were repulsive. However, after seeing you from the front, I find you rather attractive."
Definition of a tachyon: A gluon that hasn’t dried completely.
Alternate definition: A subatomic particle devoid of taste.
What’s the difference between an auto mechanic and a quantum mechanic?
The quantum mechanic can get the car inside the garage without opening the door.
What do you call scientists who love to study gas laws by drinking soda?
Fizz-icists.
Circuit engineers like to keep their news current.
No such thing as a "Circuit Engineer", so they aren't able to like much of anything.
A subatomic duck gives zero quarks about your opinion.
Two theoretical physicists are lost at the top of a mountain. Theoretical physicist No 1 pulls out a map and peruses it for a while. Then he turns to theoretical physicist No 2 and says:
"Hey, I've figured it out. I know where we are."
"Where are we then?"
"Do you see that mountain over there?"
"Yes."
"Well… THAT'S where we are."
A group of wealthy investors wanted to be able to predict the outcome of a horse race. So they hired a group of biologists, a group of statisticians, and a group of physicists. Each group was given a year to research the issue. After one year, the groups all reported to the investors. The biologists said that they could genetically engineer an unbeatable racehorse, but it would take 200 years and $100bn. The statisticians reported next. They said that they could predict the outcome of any race, at a cost of $100m per race, and they would only be right 10% of the time. Finally, the physicists reported that they could also predict the outcome of any race and that their process was cheap and simple. The investors listened eagerly to this proposal. The head physicist reported, "We have made several simplifying assumptions: first, let each horse be a perfect rolling sphere…"
What is the difference between a quantum theorist and a beauty
therapist?
The quantum theorist uses Planck’s Constant as a foundation, whereas the beauty therapist uses Max Factor.
Which books are the hardest to force yourself to read through?
Friction books.
My son cheated on his physics test, and he has no idea how much trouble he is in.
He doesn’t understand the gravity of the situation.
Too bad the lazy office worker got fired for sitting all day; he had so much potential energy.
"As a physicist, I find myself working with engineers quite often. I used to have a hard time until I figured out what we have in common. We both wish we were physicists."
You enter the high school lab and see an experiment. How will you know which class is it?
If it’s green and wiggles, it’s biology.
If it stinks, it’s chemistry.
If it doesn’t work, it’s physics.
Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
Issac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest, chickens in motion tend to cross roads.
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends on your frame of reference.
Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.
Wolfgang Pauli: There already was a chicken on this side of the road.
A photon checks into a hotel. The front desk asks “Do you need help with your luggage?”
The photon replies, “I don’t have any. I’m travelling light.”
A friend who's in liquor production,
Has a still of astounding construction,
The alcohol boils,
Through old magnet coils,
He says that it's proof by induction.
Two fermions walk into a bar. One says "I'll have a scotch on the rocks." The other says "Darn, that's what I wanted."
Why can’t you take electricity to social outings?
Because it doesn’t know how to conduct itself.
What did the duck say to the physicist?
Quark, quark, quark!
What did one uranium-238 nucleus say to the other?
Gotta split!
Should be U-235 or Pu-239, as U-238 isn’t fissionable, if I recall correctly. Sort of ironic as I have been diagnosed with dementia.
A positron walks into a bar.
The bartender explains they’ve run out of regular alcohol.
The positron replies that it’s no matter.
"I'll have a beer and a bump." The bartender asked, "What'll you have?" A positron walks into a bar.
Sometimes physics can be a real bummer.
I was thinking about gravity yesterday and it really brought me down.
The rocket scientist became a skilled archer. Really, he was just testing arrow dynamics.
A physicist is watching a man who believes he can fly. Every time he goes up the steep hill, he jumps off and hurts himself. The physicist watches this for 7 days. On the 8th day, he goes to the man and says, “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation”
An electron and a positron go into a bar.
Positron: "You're round."
Electron: "Are you sure?"
Positron: "I'm positive."
Why did Erwin Schrödinger, Paul Dirac and Wolfgang Pauli work in very small garages?
Because they were quantum mechanics.
"I had a very energetic, fast talking professor once. Somebody told me, “That guy’s so excited, if you put him between two mirrors, he’d lase."
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a grape?
Elephant * grape * sin(theta)
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a mountain climber?
Can't do that, a mountain climber is a scalar.
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