50 Tweets From This Month That Are Downright Hilarious

My wife is pregnant, we find out the gender in 2 weeks. We will probably just text everyone--simple (can't stand the over the top reveals)

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Me too, pal.

When you get two or more pairs the same size, make and colour and one pair fits totally different and yet they are meant to be identical.

Indicating is not part of the BMW dna . . .

Keeper! ✌️🙂

The gate is down and the lights are flashing but there is no train coming.

I was working as a filler substitute teacher at a high school. Walked into a chemistry class. After taking attendance one of the kids asked for a small white board because "I think we summoned a demon yesterday while the other sub was here." They needed the white board to communicate with it by making their own ouija board. I asked if they tried holy water. They said they were looking on Amazon for some. School is weird these days.

"The Little Yellow River" - I.P. Daily

You go, girl.

An AfD guy wanted to talk to me and hand me a leaflet about voting for his party here in Germany. I laughed in his face and said ‘Ladies and gentlemen…. An optimist!!’ I was out walking with my Filipino-British husband and our two beautiful children. Why would I vote for a party that wants us all deported? Plus I’m Jewish and allergic to German right-wing twats in suits.

I wish I could do something like that. Last time I voted the guy handing out Liberal's how to vote cards pushed it on to me when I said no thank you (I didn't want ones from any party). He called something out as I went in and then asked why a young person like me would vote against something (I don't remember exactly). At no point did I say who I was voting for at all. Made me so mad! I should have reported it but as usual I was too nervous and then forgot.

Isn't it illegal for somebody to do that?

Republicans are good at going backwards

Yes, evil iodiots do NOT want to be told the truth - let them be lefty lib tard dems!!!

Panda Panda Bo Banda

Panda Panda Bo Banda

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I'd have taken it so she'd have one less to give out

Did everyone clap?

Should have told the poll watcher and had her removed for attempted tampering. That's illegal as heck.

Nah, I would've just self destructed and snapped at her like a Starbucks Karen. (Not something i'm proud of btw.) At least you got some self control good on you girl.

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You mean ...you mean you voted for the loser?

Poor kid. Wonder how his brain interpreted this bizarre request.

When I get out of the swimming pool and someone is just getting ready to get in the water I tell them "I warmed the water up for you."

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I agree! Bring back the gargoyles!!!

I have one in every room now!

She photosynthesizes, duh

I can’t stop laughing

My mom said I would regret quitting piano lessons. She's still not right. (I will turn 110 next year.)

I really hope this is more of a workaholic situation and not a she didn't have a choice situation.

Who tf decided 2 days were enough for a weekend? 😑

Beneath it is an orange cat. Spoiler alert: he wants wet food.

Thanks for reminding me! I’m out and I need to buy more!

GBBS?

Now, that's petty

"Good evening, Sir, do you have a moment to discuss dental hygiene?"

I hear ya! 😂

I miss not staring at someone like they just stabbed a baby because they coughed.

Or if your mom refuses to pick you up.

Wait until you get it at 00:00, I’ve done it before.

I need this

…with tiny feet…

Me: *quietly goes into a corner to pee into a gravy boat* https://janeaustensworld.com/2012/07/16/regency-hygiene-the-bourdaloue/

On BP ee don't seem to have so many Marketing Bots anymore. That's nice. ("My name is Anastasia Cybertron and I make $10 million a week without even breathing...")

That’s sweet.

little hack for that - if it's a pack that doesn't have the hard plastic support at the opening, snip the opening about 15mm bigger on one side then you'll only get one - if the pack has a hard plastic support, put a hair band over the packet at each end, then you'll only get one (btw, they do this on purpose so you'll use more)

Low key freaking out.

Extra fiber … TB is becoming healthy

My 600+ song playlist on shuffle (I hear multiple songs twice in the span of 30 minutes)

Neither one is a quarter of a year either, but we still call them seasoning.

Uh, what?

Never underestimate a good meal.

I’ve not heard one hummingbird complain and they’re way smaller than us and doing all the work themselves, as for geese I haven’t heard them complain my guess is they take it out on us

Honestly, I hope she's over the whiplash from this.

Loved that sketch!

So boyfriend = horse of average intelligence then