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Not all of us have been blessed with superb humor or wit as sharp as a whip. Most of us feel caught off-guard when there's a necessity to deliver a funny reconnaissance in a conversation or brighten up the mood. So much so that you might find yourself in very awkward situations, lacking not only funny things to say but things to say at all! Luckily, this pain is shared among many, and plenty of options exist to get out of such a pickle. One of them is to read this list where we've rounded up all the funny expressions. Learn them by heart and use them as a safety net if needed.
You might even use these funny sayings as conversation starters, but be sure to read the room carefully before you do. They might work the best with the people you already know, but those who don't take risks don't drink champagne. Or don't find themselves in a socially awkward situations.
So, dust off your notebook and search for a pen (one that you most likely got for being a loyal customer of your local Chinese joint) to jot down these hilarious, funny random things to say in a conversation. Give the conversion topic you liked the most your vote, and share this article with anyone you'd like!
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#1
Auto-correct should have been named more precisely as auto-assume.
Deviltography 3 years ago (edited)
Thinking about this one.....kinda sounds like a benny feldmans joke(idk if i spelled his last name right)
RELATED:
#2
After Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.
#3
A cold seat in a public restroom is unpleasant. But a warm seat in a public restroom is worse.
#4
Why aren’t shorts half the price of pants?
Andrew Thomson 3 years ago
Because there’s more to cost of a manufactured product than how much material is used.
#5
Organized people are those who are just too lazy to find their things.
What Are Some Funny Phrases to Say When You're Not Sure How to Respond?
Conversing for those less fortunate in the social world might be hard. It's times like these when funny phrases or silly quotes come into play. Also, nothing will ever beat a batch of funny work quotes if you're at the office.
But there are also occasions when any of the funny sayings will work. So, if you're stuck in a void of awkward silence, try out some trivia questions or spit out a random fact to get the conversation back on track.
#6
I clean my house almost every day. I almost cleaned on Monday, almost cleaned it on Tuesday, almost cleaned it on Wednesday…
LooneyLovegood 3 years ago
Sir- Sir- this is a public place there are children present...
Load More Replies... #7
I know they say that money talks, but all mine says is ‘Goodbye.’
#8
Time is the best teacher of all. Too bad it kills all its students.
Elizabeth Kil 3 years ago
So nobody can be better than the best teacher...SOUNDS LIKE A CHALLENGE TO ME
#9
LOL has gone from meaning "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say."
#10
Sure, alcohol doesn’t solve any problems. But then again, neither does milk.
Sadika Naim 3 years ago
" I turned to alcohol to drown my sorrows....... but the damn things learned how to swim " Frieda Kahlo
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Nikola Novaković 3 years ago
Yeah but milk doesn't create more (well if you are not lactose intolerant)
Gareth Baus 3 years ago
Or allergic to dairy, or worried about the quality of life of livestock.
Load More Replies... Mary Bridget 3 years ago
Sure, but then again, milk never created any problems, unless you're lactose intolerant.
#11
I don’t suffer from insanity—I enjoy every minute of it.
#12
If you’re the kind of person that has no good luck, when you see the light at the end of the tunnel… run, because the train is coming.
#13
Don't worry if plan A fails. There are 25 more letters in the alphabet!
#14
The rotation of Earth really makes my day.
harry Henderson 3 years ago
We need to replace Good morning, good afternoon, good evening, good night with happy earth rotation
#15
A birth certificate could easily be called a baby receipt.
What Are Some Funny Expressions to Say After Answering the Phone?
Answering our phones is something we do regularly without giving it much thought; however, you can spice up even that. Get some hilarious quotes out, which are more than welcome to include references to anime TV series, Marvel action movies, etc. You can also use these neutral, funny phrases when answering the phone:
- "Go ahead, caller, you're on the air!"
- "Bob's crematorium, you kill 'em, we grill 'em."
- "This is me, is this you?"
- "Goodbye."
- "Hippity Hoppity, what's Poppity?"
- "Is it done?"
Of course, don't go answering phones in your office with a "moshi moshi"; that probably wouldn't get you an "employee of the month" award. But to your friends and family, it would be an excellent start to a conversation.
#16
9 out of 10 voices in my head tell me I’m crazy. The tenth is just playing drums.
Roberta Bray-Enhus 3 years ago
Mine plays the bass line from “Under Pressure” by Queen and Bowie
#17
My head is very slowly 3D printing my hair.
#18
If you put one lasagna on top of another one, you still have just one lasagna.
Cameron Carpenter 2 years ago
same only one file:///media/fuse/drivefs-df0abe3c0f4adff35a37e7ca4c0352c7/root/images%20(74).jpeg
#19
There is too much emphasis on the early bird's good luck and not enough on the early worm's bad luck.
Marek Čtrnáct 3 years ago
It could simply be a worm who has been clubbing all night and never went to bed at all.
#20
If you think no one cares whether you're alive or dead, just skip a handful of credit card payments.
#21
If we were on a plane about to crash and only had one parachute, I promise I'd give an amazing speech at your funeral.
SirDigbyChickenCaesar 3 years ago (edited)
Sounds like a Groucho line. Actually, all of these do.
#22
Just take my advice because I’m not going to use it.
John Lattanzio 3 years ago
Personally, I learn from the mistakes of people who take my advice...
#23
I can tell when people are being judgmental just by looking at them.
#24
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s just impossible to put down.
#25
Earth is like the insane asylum for the universe.
Jessica Allred 3 years ago
Or the universe's ant farm. I swear we get shaken up every once in a while
What Are Some Funny Random Things to Say in a Conversation After Starting With "Guess What"?
You never know what to expect after hearing "Guess what?". It might be some excellent news, a revelation, or something so out of context that you struggle to understand. And that's the joy of it! The suspense following the inquiry and the relief after finally finding out what's that "what." You can serve up something new in your life this way, dashing it with a little bit of comedy quotes and spicing up the otherwise regular conversation.
#26
It's difficult to do nothing because you never know when you're done.
Roberta Bray-Enhus 3 years ago
That’s not true. I always know when I’m done with doing nothing
#27
Refusing to go to the gym is one of the best forms of resistance training.
Brianna Bacic 3 years ago
Or as Demetri Martin would say - I go to the gym religiously; twice a year around the holidays!
#28
Whatever is eating you must be really hungry.
#29
The devil shakes a pitchfork, the grim reaper swings a scythe… farming must be a big thing in hell.
#30
If you lend someone money and never see them again, it was probably worth every penny.
#31
A pessimist is someone who has spent too much time listening to optimists.
#32
I sold my vacuum cleaner because all it was doing was gathering dust.
#33
I would really like to help you out today. Which way did you come in?
#34
I had used up all of my sick leave, so I called in dead.
#35
The secret for a good relationship is not having one.
#36
Isn't it strange that cigarettes are sold in gas stations, since smoking is prohibited there?
Rachel Dunwoodie 3 years ago
Some places have chicken and yet you can’t try it. Keep adding to the comments 😂
#37
Love must truly be blind because it can’t see me at all.
#38
I used to think I was indecisive. But now I’m not so sure.
General Boregard Fatmen 3 years ago
These all sound like Mitch Hedberg quotes. I'm not up on my Mitch Hedberg lore.
#40
Running in place will get you nowhere fast.
#41
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
Misty Moon 3 years ago
Maybe not. Maybe the person with the "attitude problem" is just finally taking a stand against an abusive person and the abuser is accusing them of an attitude because they aren't used to being stood up against.
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#42
Bullets are the only things on Earth that do their job after they’ve been fired.
#43
Whisper audibly to yourself while someone recalls an experience, “Just like in my dream!”
#44
Dear math: please, be a grown up and solve your problems by yourself.
Kezza 3 years ago
Segregating numbers and giving certain groups first in line EVERY time
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#46
Is a paper cut the tree’s way of getting back at you?
#47
I've always thought air was free. That is, I did until I went out and bought a $3 bag of crisps.
#49
Please excuse my naivety. I was born at a very early age.
#50
I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.
Matthew Ryan 3 years ago
And then there's those of us old enough to remember it before memes. I can honestly say memes have made some classic jokes genuinely hilarious again and I love it
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#51
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
#52
I don't really need a hairstylist since my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.
OtterGold Mistwalker 3 years ago
It's time to get a haircut when I frighten myself in the morning.
#53
Why are apartments called apartments when they are all stuck together?
#54
An apple a day keeps the doctor away... if you throw it hard enough!
#55
I don't understand how people can be so open-minded. Whenever I try, my brain keeps falling out.
Xiao the adeptus 2 years ago
nah flex tape slap it on your head and boom fixed!
Load More Replies... #57
If a market is well stocked, is it called the stock market?
Telepathetic 3 years ago
If you own a lot of beef stock, chicken stock and vegetable stock are you a Bouillon-Aire ?
Paul Hansbury 3 years ago
There's a corkboard in the laundromat in town where people pin up items found in the machines and on the floor. They call it the Sock Exchange.
MegaPanda 3 years ago
Man a bunch of trolls are in here downvoting everything today. I found the sock exchange funny :)
Load More Replies... #58
I was looking for the good side of life but concluded that life is a sphere.
#59
The goal of golf is to play as little golf as possible.
#60
If history repeats itself, I'm getting a pet dinosaur.
#61
Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times, I let my wife sleep.
#62
My friendship is not for sale, but we can talk about a short-term rental.
#63
The next time you buy a donut, complain that there’s a hole in it.
Glen Moore 3 years ago
Now, I've gotta get in my car, drive like 10 miles to Tim Hortons, just so I can use this joke, it took me like a month to finally use this one; when the cashier asks whether I would like my milk in a bag, I said "no, please just leave it in the jug", then I laughed and laughed and laughed
#64
Dogs can't see inside your body, but CAT scan.
Lanette 2 years ago (edited)
Hahahahaha such a knee slapper! I told these to my great grand children and they loved them! How do you come up with these???🤣👋🦵 By the way does anyone know any good casserole recipes??? My friend Patricia won't lend me her recipe and I don't know how to use the Google. 😢💔
Lewis Woodward 3 years ago
Why are you even on a humor sight if you can't understand a very simple pun? 🤔
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#65
If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a mural worth?
#66
The first five days of the week are the toughest.
#68
A balanced diet simply means having a pizza slice in each hand.
#69
Barbie is so popular and yet, kids still buy friends for her.
Brianna Bacic 3 years ago
But that's why she's so popular - can't be popular if they didn't make friends for her
#70
You're in the wrong lane when everything is coming at you.
Jessica Allred 3 years ago
And even if you are in the right lane, you'll still get run over if you aren't moving forward.
#71
Why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator if you're not supposed to eat at night?
Caliban Taylor 3 years ago
Whoever downvoted this must never have taken Ambien 🤣
Load More Replies... #72
If I won the prize of laziest person, I’d ask somebody to go get it for me.
#73
There’s only one thing that is worse than waking up early: a holiday on a Sunday.
#74
Tell a friend, “I had a dream about you last night. You did terrible things.”
#75
Always remember that you’re unique... just like everyone else is.
Brianna Bacic 3 years ago
As Michael Scott would say - my mom says average people are the most special people and that's why God made so many of them!
#76
I’m out of my mind. I’ll be back in five minutes.
#77
It is impossible to dig half of a hole.
Mason reimroc 3 years ago (edited)
My grampa says "if it take u a day and a half to dig a hole and a half how long does it take u to dig half a hole".
Thomas Santiago 3 years ago
There's an island in the South Pacific that doubles in size every day, it takes 16 days to reach it's full size, how many days did it take to get half that size?
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Thomas Santiago 3 years ago
There's an island in the South Pacific that doubles in size every day, it takes 16 days to reach it's full size, how many days did it take to get half that size?
#78
I had a sweet side, but I ate it.
#80
My tallest finger loves giving people standing ovations.
#81
A cookie a day keeps your sadness away, but an entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.
#82
How does the non-stick coating stick to the pan?
The Captain 3 years ago
The same spell that protects you from Covid when you sit at a table in a restaurant.
#83
Whoever said you can't buy happiness didn't know where to shop!
#84
The only thing I get out of Algebra is when I look at X and wonder Y.
#85
I am not as think as you confused I am really!
#86
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
#87
What if every country has its own ninjas but we only know about the Japanese ninjas because they are the worst?
#88
Kids believe in fairy tales. I’ve moved on to soap operas and political speeches.
#89
I took the road less traveled by. Thanks a lot, Google Maps!
#90
Every person should marry an archeologist, because the older person gets, the more they'll love them.
#91
Is cardboard more board than card or more card than board?
#92
If you are on a diet, the first three letters of that word are probably feeling pretty accurate right now.
#97
In response to any suggestion, “But at what cost?”
#98
A bed is basically a shelf for the body.
#99
Gossipy? I’m just an historian of other people’s lives!
#100
I am a great housekeeper. Every time I leave someone, I keep their house.
#101
I promise to step on your feet if you dance with me.
#102
I have clean conscience. I haven’t used it once.
#103
A bag of money can represent not only wealth, but also massive inflation.
The Captain 3 years ago
Depends on the size of the bag because as we all know, size is everything.
Load More Replies... #104
I said ‘No’ to drugs, but they wouldn’t listen.
#105
I’ll have a bloody mary because they say it helps cure hangovers.
Glen Moore 3 years ago
Exactly, and I think they did some study, and found out that "hair of the dog that bit you" actually works
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#106
My hair hurts.
Muhammad Farabi 3 years ago
In Quebec/France you'd say this if you have a hangover (mal de cheveux)
#107
Don’t beat yourself up. A new beginning is only a new chance for failure.
#109
I am going to get my toe nail-pierced this Friday.
#110
I tried rearranging the alphabet, but for some reason, the letters U and I would never separate.
#111
What is the soul good for if laughter is good for the soul?
#112
If I tried to look as attractive as all of the celebrities I like, I'd end up looking about as ugly as I am.
#113
I’d be happy to give you a shoulder to cry on, except I don’t want my shoulder to get wet.
#114
Every single thing in this world is either a motorbike or not a motorbike.
#115
Laziness is the mother of all vices, and as a mother, she deserves to be respected.
#116
Please don’t eat that in my presence. I get sympathy gas.
Caliban Taylor 3 years ago
Whenever someone tells me they’ve lost weight I tell them I’ve found it
Load More Replies... #117
I'm so glad we have brown cows, otherwise there wouldn’t be any chocolate milk.
#119
If someone gets plastered just where do you find the plaster?
Jessica Allred 3 years ago
It's at the bottom of the glass. The more they drink the more plastered they become.
#120
Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Marek Čtrnáct 3 years ago
Is there any word in English that IS? The unholy alliance of Gutenberg and Shakespeare broke the language long ago.
#121
Is there a connection between candy corn and corn nuts?
Thomas Santiago 3 years ago
Whats the difference between deer nuts and corn nuts? Corn nuts are $1.99 Deer nuts are just under a buck.
#122
Those who sneezes are the most blessed.
Frank Tereschak 3 years ago
In that case, an allergy is a blessing... actually a lot of blessings.
Load More Replies... #123
Is a heart attack the same as an attack of the heart?
#124
Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s exactly what you are looking for, go live with a car battery.
Jessica Allred 3 years ago
Except that you have an estimate for how long the battery will last. And they're a lot less expensive to replace.
#125
Why aren't coffees served on a coffee table?
Caliban Taylor 3 years ago
They used to be! You can see how they used to be used in Golden Girls reruns!
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