Still get money if you don’t get the job

Hahahaha! 🤭

Sometimes, it is both

Well done

Ugh so nosy! Whatever! I’ll just go to the Organ donor. They’ll need a couple livers anyways .

Take her to Starbucks. You won’t learn how to spell it, but still

Holy cow!

Emotional damage

I’m having an existential crisis now. Anyone wanna join me? Please?

Ok. That one was good.

Haha loser!

Then she kissed the kids

We need more backwards politicians!

I feel that!

Can I shoot you now? ;) Axe is the WORST! (I'd rather sit beside someone with bad BO!)

Help me, my brother got an infinity gauntlet printer, we’re all in danger! He’s in the random and video games phase!

I wish I could go to sleep in fifteen minutes

Congrats! You got number 1!

Psssh, idiot! It’s in the 8 %

Ouch

In a way I really do wish the earth was flat. If nothing else, so we can push the idiots over the edge...

So now it’s Monday. *c***s gun* Edit: sorry I meant adult rooster

hahahhahahahahahahhahahahhahhahahahahahahahaha

I'd upvote this, except that there is more than one root. It is the square root of all evil.

Now you have to sleep under your brother’s bed

But boy, am I enjoying the ride!

I was driving when I read this. Laughed so hard I dropped my shaver into my cereal.

🤣🤣 this is very funny!

Duh, I had to look it up!🤪

I got concussed. I got to baguette my way to the hospital. At my funeral, my best friend said “I am so lucky to croissant paths with him. Now, does anyone have anything to say? If not, I have to go oui oui”

There are two cats in a boat race. The first cat is named "One Two Three", the second cat is named "Un Deux Trois". Obviously the first cat won the race. Unfortunately the Un Deux Trois cat sank.

I laughed too hard at this

Constantly up and down.

Savage

I actually used this line on a boss once but she wanted me to come in on Sunday.

My wife said "are you even listening to me?" I thought it was a weird way to start a conversation.

Sounds like a line from Airplane.

And the handles too

It's probably Speed so that you get there faster but not on steady legs.

Throw in a vodka

Maybe the gentleman ordering the steak earlier should try this, he may win a few more arguments 😂

This comment is hidden. Click here to view.

This comment has been deleted.

Reminds me of the old story about when William Randolph Hearst was on a spree of buying newspapers all over the country. He sent a telegram to some newspaper owner asking WHAT WILL YOU TAKE FOR THE HERALD? The owner wired back THREE CENTS ON WEEKDAYS, FIVE CENTS ON SUNDAY.

This comment is hidden. Click here to view.

Return to sender

Funny!!

Or the feet in the bucket. Nvm that’s 45 toes

Free Captain Hook costume

Ha!

I'd make a little adjustment: "haven't heard back"

Aw man. Someone get the vacuum!

So you left crying and with your signed homework and test in hand, after she said that anyone from any other planet could be better than you?

F***k! Thankfully the ice machine has no heat.

Reminds me of a joke I made. What is an artist’s favourite Shakespeare quote ? 2-B or not 2-B