192 Painfully Funny Doctor Jokes
Who could ever find a trip to the doctor’s a pleasurable one? Starting with that eerie silence in the hallways, some moans and groans behind closed doors and that trailing smell of formaldehyde, everything about a visit to the doctor is at least a tiny bit unsettling. And there aren’t any games in the waiting room anymore, and they don’t even give you a lolly for holding in your tears during an exam! And surely, even if you are waiting for something almost pleasant - like having your ears cleaned - you still feel a bit nervous and grab your phone for a distraction. And, if regular scrolling just doesn’t cut it anymore, we have prepared something much better - a list of only the best doctor jokes! Now, you can stop wiggling your leg nervously while waiting in a line for a checkup and spend that energy giggling instead!
So, what should you expect from these silly jokes? Well, besides some noteworthy comedic relief, these doctor jokes might make even a toothache sound funny and even the worst news sound like a blessing. Of course, you should also expect to read a couple of cool puns because medical stuff is just asking for wordplay! And, as almost always, you will definitely find some adorable jokes, too, because even a doctor deserves an occasional ‘aww’ in his own right.
Okay, are you ready to read our selection of the best doctor jokes? If so, then scroll down below and do so! Of course, do not forget to give the medical jokes that tickled your fancy a vote and share this article with your friends!
A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of cough syrup. Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks, “Well? Are you still coughing?” The patient replies, “No, I’m afraid to.”
A little boy had a crush on his teacher, but she was dating a doctor. So, the boy brought his teacher an apple every day.
I’ve never vaccinated any of my kids.
I just pay the pediatrician to do it.
“Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?”
“Yes, of course.”
“Great! I never could before!”
Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I think I am losing my memory!”
Doctor: “When did that happen?”
Patient: “When did what happen?”
Man: “My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”
Doctor: “Is this her first child?”
Man: “No, you idiot! This is her husband!”
Why is a doctor always calm?
They have a lot of patients.
Who is the coolest doctor in the hospital?
The hip consultant.
I’ve got a disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes. The doctor says its terminal.
My mother used to say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Lovely woman. Useless surgeon.
Doctor: “I have some bad news and some very bad news.”
Patient: “Well, might as well give me the bad news first.”
Doctor: “The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.”
Patient: “24 HOURS! That’s terrible!! What could be worse? What’s the very bad news?”
Doctor: “I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.”
When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.
I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places.
She told me to stop going to those places.
What do you get when a doctor goes back in time to teach himself medicine?
A pair o’ docs.
Did you hear the one about the germ?
Never mind; I don’t want to spread it around.
Patient: “Doctor, are the test results ready yet? I’m dying of curiosity!”
Doctor: “Heh… not only from curiosity.”
I thought chiropractors were a big hoax. But I stand corrected.
Why did the library book go to the doctor?
It needed to be checked out.
Doctor: “Quick, he’s losing a lot of blood. He needs an infusion — what’s his blood type?!”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “I’m trying, but he’s lost a lot of blood.”
How does the receptionist at a urology department answer the phone?
“Urology office— can you hold?”
Patient: “Someone decided to graffiti my house last night!”
Doctor: “So why are you telling me?”
Patient: “I can’t understand the writing. Was it you?”
Why did Dracula go to the doctor?
He couldn’t stop coffin!
When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, "A very good doctor".
What do you call a doctor who fixes websites?
My dermatologist was fired today.
I’m told he made too many rash decisions.
What did the man say to the x-ray technician after swallowing some money?
“Are you seeing any change in me?”
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
What did the doctor say to the rocket ship?
“Time to get your booster shot!”
Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I’m going to die in 59 seconds!”
Doctor: “Hang on, I’ll be there in a minute.”
Patient: “Doctor, my son has swallowed a pen. What can I do?”
Doctor: “Use a pencil until I come to see him.”
Why didn’t Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough?
A cold never bothered her, anyway.
Patient: “Doctor, I am feeling much better now. Please give me your bill.”
Doctor: “Be calm. You are not strong enough for this yet.”
I told the doctor I didn’t want brain surgery. But he changed my mind.
Doctors ask you where it hurts, but then put pressure on it.
Did you hear about the Obstetrician who became a stand-up comedian?
Apparently, it’s all about the delivery for some people.
"Doctor doctor, what happened to that man who fell into the circular saw and had the whole left side of his body cut away?"
"He's all right now."
"Doctor doctor, What can I do? Everyone thinks I'm a liar?"
"I find that very hard to believe!"
A seven-year-old girl came home and told her mom, “A boy in my class asked me to play doctor.”
“Oh no, honey. What happened?”
“Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company.”
What is a double-blind study?
Two orthopaedists reading an electrocardiogram.
I played hide and seek in the hospital, but they kept finding me in the ICU.
A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn’t been feeling well and wants to find out if he is ill. After the checkup, the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.
“I’m afraid I have some bad news. You’re dying and you don’t have much time,” the doctor says.
“Oh no, that’s terrible. How long have I got?” the man asks.
“10…” says the doctor.
“10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!” he asks desperately.
A woman says to the dentist "I don't know which is worse having a tooth pulled or having a baby."
The dentist says "Well make up your mind I gotta adjust the chair!"
Dr.'s are saying not to worry about the bird flu because it's tweetable.
What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil?
“Get dressed up — the doctor is taking us out!”
Patient: “I always see spots before my eyes.”
Doctor: “Didn’t the new glasses help?”
Patient: “Sure, now I see the spots much clearer.”
Does an apple a day keep the doctor away?
Only if you aim it well enough.
How many doctors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
Secretary: “Doctor, there’s a patient on line one who says he’s invisible.”
Doctor: “Well, tell him I can’t see him right now.”
Patient: “Doctor, tell me how I can repay you for your kindness.”
Doctor: “You can pay by cash, check, or money order.”
A man working with an electric saw accidentally saws off all 10 fingers. He rushes to the emergency room.
The doctor says, “Give me the fingers and I’ll see what I can do.” “But, I don’t have the fingers!” “Why didn’t you bring the fingers?!” asks the incredulous doctor. “Doc, I couldn’t pick them up.”
Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into curtains.”
Doctor: “Pull yourself together!”
Why did the calendar have to visit the doctor?
It had a terrible year-ache.
Patient: “Doctor, I need your help. I’m addicted to checking my Twitter.”
Doctor: “I’m so sorry; I don’t follow.”
Patient: “Doctor, you told me I have a month to live and then you sent me a bill for $1,000. I can’t pay that before the end of the month!”
Doctor: “OK, then you have six months to live.”
The doctor took his patient into the room and said, “I have some good news and some bad news.” The patient said, “Give me the good news first.” “They’re going to name the disease after you.”
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
He was feeling really crumby.
I can’t believe I wanted to be an obstetrician.
I can’t even deliver a joke.
“Doctor, doctor, you’ve got to help me — I just can’t stop my hands from shaking!”
“Do you drink a lot?”
“Not really — I spill most of it!”
A man goes to the doctors and says, “Doctor, I think I’m going deaf!”
And the doctor says, “Can you describe the symptoms?”
The man responds, “Yes, Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair.”
Doctor: “You’re as healthy as a horse!”
Jimmy: “That’s great.”
Doctor: “A horse with kidney stones.”
Me: “Aren’t you going to treat me?”
Doctor: “I am treating you.”
Me: “You’re just staring at me.”
Doc: “It’s called silent treatment.”
Why did the doctor laugh at the x-ray of an arm?
Because he found the x-ray humerus.
"Doctor, doctor I think I need glasses."
"You certainly do missy, this is the fish and chip shop!"
"Doctor, doctor I think I'm suffering from Déjà Vu!
Didn't I see you yesterday?"
"Doctor doctor, they've dropped me from the cricket team - they call me butterfingers."
"Don't worry, what you have is not catching."
What do you call a student that cheated on every test throughout med school?
Hopefully not your doctor.
Things You Don’t Want to Hear During Surgery:
2. Has anyone seen my watch?
3. That was some party last night. I can’t remember when I’ve been that drunk.
4. Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
5. Well, this book doesn’t say that… What edition is your manual?
7. Ok, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
8. Damn, there go the lights again…
9. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Doctor's office: "All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms."
Husband: “The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks.”
Wife: “And did he?”
Husband: “Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill.”
Doctor: “Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed 10 quarters last night?”
Nurse: “No change yet.”
Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
Why did the doctor tell the nurses to be quiet when walking past the medicine cabinet?
So they wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills!
Why did the mattress go to the doctor?
It had spring fever.
What don’t you want to hear in the middle of surgery?
“Where’s my watch?”
Why did the grasshopper go to the doctor?
He kept feeling jumpy.
What did the doctor prescribe to the man who couldn’t stop breaking wind?
The man told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, “I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.” “Well, in plain English,” the doctor replied, “you’re just lazy.” “OK,” said the man. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”
The doctor told his patient to stop using a Q-Tip, but it went in one ear and out the other.
A skeleton went to the doctor.
The doctor looked at the skeleton and said, “Aren’t you a little late?”
I went to the doctor this morning and said, “I’ve swallowed a golf ball.”
The doctor said, “Yes, I can see it’s gone down a fairway.”
Why did the witch go to the doctor?
She had a dizzy spell.
Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I’ve got a strawberry stuck in my ear!”
Doctor: “Don’t worry, I have some cream for that.”
Why do surgeons wear masks?
So no one will recognize them when they make a mistake.
The doctor stood by the bedside of a very sick patient and said, “I cannot hide the fact that you are very ill. Is there anyone you would like to see?”
“Yes,” replied the patient faintly. “Another doctor.”
Why did the computer go to the doctor?
It thought it had a terminal illness.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
He wasn’t peeling well.
A man goes to the doctor for a check-up.
Man: “Will I be all right, doc?”
Doctor: “You are in grave danger — Mercury is in Uranus.”
Man: “I don’t buy into that astrology nonsense!”
Doctor: “Neither do I. My thermometer broke.”
The old man was sitting on the examining table in the doctor’s office, having his hearing checked.
The doctor poked his light scope in the old man’s ear and said, “Hey, you have a suppository in your ear!”
“Rats,” said the old man. “Now I know where my hearing aid went.”
Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I feel like a dog.”
Doctor: “How long have you felt like this?”
Patient: “Since I was a puppy.”
Patient: “Will this ointment clear up my spots?”
Doctor: “I never make rash promises.”
What’s the best place to hide from a doctor?
The apple orchard.
Patient: “Doctor, I think I’ve been bitten by a vampire.”
Doctor: “Drink this glass of water.”
Patient: “Will it make me better?”
Doctor: “No, but I’ll be able to see if your neck leaks.”
A woman went to her doctor’s office with a seemingly incurable case of hiccups. A new doctor examined her, and after a few minutes, she began to scream and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. After she explained, the older doctor went to the new doctor and said, “What’s the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?”
The new doctor smiled and said, “Cured her hiccups though, didn’t it?”
Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I keep seeing into the future.”
Doctor: “When did this start?” Patient: “Next Tuesday.”
Patient to friend: “I saw the doctor today about my loss of memory.”
Friend: “What did he say?”
Patient: “He asked me to pay him in advance.”
Doctor: “I accidentally left my gloves inside your stomach during your operation. We have to open you back up.”
Patient: “Are you kidding me?! Tell you what, take this $10 bill and buy a new pair!”
Receptionist: “The doctor is so funny; he’ll have you in stitches.”
Patient: “I hope not — I only came in for a checkup.”
Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I feel like a carrot.”
Doctor: “Don’t get yourself in a stew.”
"How did you find that doctor was fake?"
"She had good handwriting."
A dermatologist makes a fortune selling skin cream and runs off with the money. Rumor has it he was last spotted on his way to a topical island.
Why did the king go to the dentist?
To get his teeth crowned!
My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like.
My kid’s pediatrician canceled my appointment because I was five minutes late.
He has very little patients.
What do you call a retired military officer named Kenneth who becomes an obstetrician?
General Ken OB.
Patient: “Whenever I drink coffee, I have this sharp, excruciating pain.”
Doctor: “Try to remember to remove the spoon from the cup before drinking.”
Patient: “Doctor, my bottom hurts.”
Doc: “Can you tell me exactly where it hurts?”
Patient: “Right around the entrance.”
Doc: “As long as you call it an entrance, it will hurt.”
"Did you hear about the optometrist that fell into his lens grinding machine?"
"He made a spectacle of himself."
Woman: “My husband swallowed an Aspirin by mistake. What should I do now?”
Doctor: “Give him a headache now; what else!”
Doctor: “I’m just waiting for your x-ray.”
Woman: “But I’ve never dated anyone named Ray.”
Doctor: “Aaaaand we might do a brain scan.”
What part of the body did the chiropractor fix when Eminem came in?
♪ Shady’s back ♪
Who stands in for doctors when they need to go on leave?
The hip replacement guy.
"Doctor, doctor! I think I'm a bell?"
"Go home and take these and if you're not better soon, give me a ring."
"Doctor doctor! I think I'm a shepherd."
"I wouldn't lose any sheep over it."
"Doctor doctor! I think I'm at death's door?"
"Don't worry, we'll soon pull you through"
"Doctor, doctor! Do you have something for a headache?"
"Yes, try this hammer."
Doctor: “You have high blood pressure and amnesia.”
Patient: “Well, at least I don’t have high blood pressure!”
"Doctor doctor, my spouse is so ill, is there no hope?"
"It depends what you are hoping for."
“Doctor doctor, I couldn't drink my medicine after my bath like you told me.”
“Well after I've drunk my bath I haven't got room for the medicine.”
"Doctor, doctor I feel like a sheep."
"Oh that's very baaaaaaaad!"
"Doctor, doctor... I've just swallowed a roll of film!
Come back tomorrow and we'll see what develops!"
"Doctor doctor, I'm suffering from insomnia."
"Try sleeping at the edge of the mattress, you'll soon drop off."
"Doctor doctor, I'm really worried about my breathing."
"We'll soon put a stop to that."
One day, a veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. Once the doctor entered the exam room, he started asking all the usual questions about symptoms and how long they’ve persisted. The vet interrupted him by saying, “Look, I’m a vet. I don’t have to ask my patients these kinds of questions. I can tell what’s wrong just by looking at them— why can’t you?”
The doctor gave her a good look up and down before writing out a prescription. After he handed it to her, he said, The doctor gave her a good look up and down before writing out a prescription. After he handed it to her, he said, “I figured it out, so good news patient, well here’s your prescription. Of course, if that doesn’t work then we’ll just have to put you down.”
What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what they treat.
They tried to save him with an IV but it was all in vein.
"Doctor, doctor! I keep thinking I'm a moth."
"You don't need a doctor, you need a psychiatrist!"
"I know, but when I was walking past your office I saw your light was on..."
"Doctor, doctor! Every time I stand up too quickly, I see Donald Duck and Micky Mouse."
"How long have you been getting these Disney spells?"
"Doctor, doctor! I keep thinking I'm a thief."
"Have you taken anything for it?"
"Yes, a bike, a laptop and two TVs."
Why did the dalmatian go to the doctors?
Because every time she looked in the mirror she saw spots.
But really, they need me:
Dad’s pager beeped, summoning him to the hospital, where he is an anesthetist. As he raced toward the hospital, a patrol car sped up behind him—lights flashing, siren blaring. So Dad hung his stethoscope out the window to signal that he was on an emergency call.
Within seconds came the policeman’s response: a pair of handcuffs flapping outside the police car window.
A patient at my daughter’s medical clinic filled out a form. After Name and Address, the next question was “Nearest Relative.” She wrote “Walking distance.”
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce.
My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. He was right—I feel ten years older already.
My doctor told me I needed to break a sweat once a day so I told him I'd start lying to my wife.
Doc says to the patient, "You have the body of a twenty-year-old, but you should return it. You're stretching it completely out of shape."
When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled through."
Colin the doctor… I’m sick!
Patient: “Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up a point or more?”
A man walks into a doctor’s office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear, and a banana in his right ear. “What’s the matter with me?” he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, “You’re not eating properly.”
Who do you call when you need a doctor immediately?
The nearest golf course.
I went to the doctor, and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said compared to who?
Why did the rope go to the doctor?
It had a knot in its stomach.
Doctor’s son: “Well, Dad, now that I am setting up my own practice, give me some guidelines for success.”
Doctor’s father: “Always write your prescriptions illegibly and your bills legibly.”
A man returned to the U.S. after a trip abroad feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a barrage of extensive tests. The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.
“This is your doctor. We’ve got the results back from your tests, and we’ve found you have an extremely nasty virus that is extremely contagious!” “Oh my gosh,” cries the man. He’s in a panic now. “What are you going to do, Doctor?” “Well, we’re going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and quesadillas.” “Will that cure me?” asked the man hopefully. The doctor replied, “No… but it’s the only food we can get under the door.”
Where do sick boats go to get healthy?
To the dock!
Why did the robot go to the doctor?
She had a virus!
Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I stood on a LEGO!”
Doctor: “Try to block out the pain.”
What did the balloon say to the doctor?
“I feel light-headed.”
Why did the doctor take a red pen to work?
In case, she wanted to draw blood!
Why did Santa’s helper see the doctor?
He had low elf esteem.
Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I’ve got a strawberry stuck in my ear!”
Doctor: “Don’t worry, I have some cream for that.”
Doctor: “What seems to be your trouble?”
Patient: “When I get up I feel dizzy for one hour?”
Doctor: “Try getting up one hour later.”
How do you know your doctor is a vampire?
He draws your blood from your neck with a straw!
Two years ago, my doctor told me I was going deaf.
I haven’t heard from him since.
I still remember the day the doctor told me I was mute.
I had no words.
Jerry is in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. “I’m OK, but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered. “What did he say?” asked the nurse. “OOPS!”
A bicycle rolls into the doctor’s office. It says, “Doc, you gotta help me! I can’t keep from yawning all day long.” The doctor says, “Well, I think it’s because you’re two tired.”
As I was admitted to the hospital for a procedure, the clerk asked for my wrist and said, “I’m going to give you a bracelet.” “Has it got rubies and diamonds?” I asked. “No,” he said. “But it costs just as much.”
A man goes into the doctor’s office and says, “Doctor, I’ve swallowed a watch. What should I do?”
“Take these pills,” says the doctor. “They should help you pass the time.”
A very angry woman stormed up to the receptionist’s desk at a doctor’s office.
“Someone stole my wig while I was having surgery yesterday,” she complained. The doctor came out and tried to calm her down. “I assure you that no one on my staff would have done such a thing,” he said. “Why do you think it was taken here?” “After the operation, I noticed the wig I was wearing was cheap-looking and ugly.” “I think,” explained the surgeon gently, “that means your cataract operation was a success.”
What did the judge say to the dentist?
“Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth?”
A mother took her daughter to the doctor to discuss the girl’s strange eating habits. “All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her?” “Eventually,” said the doctor. “She will rise and shine.”
Why did the pillow go to the doctor?
He was feeling all stuffed up!
Doctor: “I’ve got very bad news. You’ve got the flu and Alzheimer’s.”
Patient: “Well, at least I don’t have the flu.”
What did the man say to the x-ray technician after swallowing some money?
“Do you see any change in me?”
"Minneapolis a day keeps the doctor away!"
A woman went to the doctor complaining of pain all over her body. “I hurt all over,” she said.
“What do you mean all over?” the doctor asked, “Can you be a little more specific?”
The woman proceeded to touch her right knee with her index finger and yelled, “Ow, that hurts.” Then her nose and yelled again, “Ouch! That also hurts.” Then she touched her left earlobe and yelled again, “Even that hurts doc.”
After examining her, the doctor came to a conclusion… the woman had a broken finger.
Patient: “Hey doc, are you sure I’m suffering from pneumonia? Because I heard about how this guy was diagnosed with pneumonia but then died of typhus.”
Doctor: “No worries here, that won’t happen to me. If I treat someone with pneumonia, he will die of pneumonia.”
One day, a man stumbled into his doctor’s office with a terrible cold. The doctor prescribed him some pills, but they didn’t help. When the man came back, the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn’t help either.
When the man returned again, the doctor told him, “Go home. Take a hot bath, and when you get out, open all the windows and stand in the draft.”
“But if I do that, I’ll risk getting pneumonia doc,” replied the man.
“I know,” said the doctor, “but I can cure pneumonia!”
A Short History of Medicine:
“Doctor I have a headache.”
2000 B.C. – “Here, eat this root.”
1000 B.C. – “That root is a demon, say this prayer.”
1850 A.D. – “That prayer is a superstition, drink this potion.”
1940 A.D. – “That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.”
1985 A.D. – “That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.”
2000 A.D. – “That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!”
A man having trouble with his vision decides to visit his doctor. When he arrives at the office, the receptionist asks what’s wrong.
“I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes,” the man complains.
“Have you ever seen a doctor?” she asks.
“No, just spots ma’am.”
“Are you an organ donor?”
“No, but one time I donated an old piano to the Salvation Army!”
Patient: “Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow.”
Doctor: “How do you feel?”
Patient: “A little down in the mouth.”
"Doctor, doctor! I keep seeing insects spinning around me!"
"Oh yes, there's a bug going around."
"Doctor, doctor! You have to help me out... "
"Of course. Which way did you come in?"
I don't think I'll be able to get my Mom what she really wants on Mother's Day – a doctor for a son-in-law.
You so ugly when who were born the doctor threw you out the window and the window threw you back.
Patient: “Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.”
Doctor: “Sit down and don’t stir.”
"Doctor, I’m hearing a ringing sound.
Then answer the phone."
How did the doctor cure the invisible man?
He took him to the ICU.
A hypochondriac told his doctor he was certain he had a fatal disease.
“Nonsense,” scolded the doctor. “You wouldn’t know if you had that. With that particular disease, there’s no discomfort of any kind.” “Oh no!” gasped the patient. “Those are my symptoms exactly!”
A man goes to the doctor with a flatulence problem. The doctor asks, “How often do you pass gas?” and the man replies 10 to 15 times an hour. The doctor goes back to his office and returns with a pole with an iron hook. The man screams, “What are you going to do with that, Doc?” The doctor replies, “I’m going to open some windows.”
“Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor-blade.”
“Don’t panic, I’m coming immediately. Have you done anything yet?”
“Yea, I shaved with the electric razor.”
"I made a doctor’s appointment for 3:30 p.m. Let me in!"
A guy strolls into work with both of his ears bandaged up.
His boss asks him, “Jeez, what happened to your ears?”
“Well, yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I accidentally answered the iron.”
“Well that explains one ear,” the boss replied, “but what about the other one?”
“I had to call the doctor!”
"Doctor doctor, help me now! I'm getting shorter and shorter!
Just wait there and be a little patient."
"Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of wigwams."
"The problem is, you've become too tense."
One day, a man walked into a doctor’s office and told the receptionist he had shingles. She took down his name, address, medical insurance number, and told him to have a seat. A few minutes later, a nurse’s aid came out. She called his name, and asked him what he has while leading him to the examination room. He responded by saying, “Shingles,” and she told him to wait in the exam room. Ten minutes later, a nurse came in and asked what he has. “Shingles,” he responded. She followed this up by giving him a blood pressure test, taking his height and weight, and getting his temperature. Before exiting the room, she told him to take off all of his clothes put on a robe, and wait for the doctor.
Twenty minutes later, the doctor entered and asked him what he has.
“Shingles,” the man replied.
“Where?” asked the doctor.
“Outside in the truck,” the man responded, “Where do you want them?”
A woman calling Massachusetts General Hospital says, “Hello, I want to know if there’s any sign that a patient is improving at all.” The receptionist asks, “What is the patient’s name and room number?” “Of course,” the woman replied, “Sarah Finkel, Room 304.” The receptionist responds by saying, “Oh yes, Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, if her blood pressure continues to improve like it is then Dr. Cohen is looking to send her home on Tuesday!” “That’s fantastic,” the woman replied, “oh, I’m so thrilled!” “From your enthusiasm, I figure you must be a close family member?” The woman replied, “I’m Sarah Finkel in 302! Dr. Cohen doesn’t tell me a word.”
A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was sent to the hospital one day. While on the operating table, she came very close to death and had the opportunity to speak with God.
“Is my time up?” she asked him.
“No,” God answered, “you still have 40 years, 5 months, and 3 days to live.”
Upon recovery, the woman felt sublime. She decided that if she had so much time left to live, she might as well make the most of it. Therefore, she had a facelift, a tummy tuck, and died her hair before exiting the hospital.
After her tummy tuck was over, she was released from the hospital. However, while crossing the street on the way out, she was hit by a car and immediately died.
When arriving in front of God, the woman asked, “I thought you said I had another 40 years?! Why didn’t you save me?”
“I didn’t recognize you, ” God replied.
Why did the bucket go to the doctor?
He had a pail face.
What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
For one, you get treatment; for the other, you get oinkment.