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135 Dark Jokes That’ll Make You Feel Guilty For Laughing
Let’s be honest: dark humor jokes are not for everyone. Not for every place, either. You have to be able to read the room almost perfectly to get the best reaction to these twisted jokes.
If you’re looking for something slightly lighter (but still edgy), you might want to check out our adult jokes or some long ones that take time to get to the punchline.
Don’t go around strangers cracking dark jokes. You never know the person's backstory and how they will react to your dark humor jokes with no limits.
But if you’re in a circle of close friends who you know are open to this kind of humor, crack away! And if you're short on time or height, our short people jokes might also make you laugh.
________________________
Comment from Dr. Sarah Meehan O’Callaghan
Dark humour can be good subversive fun, but there is more to it than meets the eye. Jokes serve a deeper psychological purpose.
In Jokes and Their Relation to the Unconscious, Sigmund Freud analysed jokes and humour from the perspective of the unconscious. Simply put, the unconscious is that unknown part of ourselves that contains desires, feelings, and thoughts that often oppose our conscious, seemingly rational selves.
These ‘desires’ or ‘truths’ can be repressed and emerge in slips of the tongue, dreams, and jokes. Jokes often release something hidden, a truth that cannot be told in the cold light of day. Humour acts like a veil for us to disguise our true motivation.
Freud also said that neurotics tell the best jokes. That should give us pause for thought the next time we want to make a dark joke! - Dr. Sarah Meehan O’Callaghan
________________________
This type of humor can really make your stomach hurt. A dark joke can consist of many things, and you can flavor it to fit any occasion.
Some of them are straight-up offensive jokes, others can involve a gut-bending plot twist. For text-based humor, check out funny text jokes for adults, or add charm with flirt or Bible jokes if you're feeling brave.
Best Dark Jokes Picked by Our Community
If you are looking for the best dark jokes to tell your friends, we’ve got you covered. The Bored Panda community voted for and picked the very best ones. Hence, we’re confident that the first ten entries on this list can be dubbed the top 10 dark humor jokes on the internet.
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
Footwork for Fresh Dirt
I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.
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#2
Final Exit Strategy
My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, “You’ll be next!” They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.
#3
Paws Off, I\'m Napping
My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me and said, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”
Top-Tier Shadow Laughs
- Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field. It's a shame about the crops, though.
- My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home.
- I have a fear of speed bumps, but I'm slowly getting over it.
- Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
- When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.
#4
Love Left Its Mark
When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.
#5
Fuel to Your Inner Fire
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend." Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence."
#6
Sunny Spot, No Filters
Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.
Bent Comedy Gems
- What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair.
- Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long if you're overweight.
- I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
- I threw a boomerang a few years ago; I know live in constant fear.
- My grief counselor died. He was so good, I didn’t even care.
#7
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
#8
Packed and Ready Vibes
My husband is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.
Candia Lee 4 years ago
This is the first LOL of the bunch for me. Hope others read down this far.
#9
Midair Meeting Vibes
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
Gruesome Giggles
- Knock knock. Who’s there? Doctor. Doctor who? Exactly.
- I was going to tell a dead baby joke. But I decided to abort.
- They laughed at my crayon drawing. I laughed at their chalk outline.
- What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
- I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was a kid.
#10
Chasing Invisible Magic
I'd like to have kids one day. I don't think I could stand them any longer than that, though.
Funny Dark Humor Jokes
These pocket-sized punchlines pack a wallop of clever and edgy humor in just a few words. You might be unable to suppress your laugh at these short dark humor jokes with no limits. They challenge the convention and dare you to chuckle at life’s darkest absurdities.
However, if you are looking for even more macabre humor, we’ve got plenty more prepared for you. So go ahead, and laugh at these morbid jokes. Promise we won’t tell anyone!
- What's yellow and can't swim? A bus full of children.
- I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.
- Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
- Want to know how you make any salad into a Caesar salad? Stab it twenty-three times.
- Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
#11
Serious About The Details
The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.
Candia Lee 4 years ago
Why do I appreciate the horrible logic in this? Truth be told, he'll get treatment as a prisoner.
#12
Early Morning Stakes
Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses. His hunting buddy immediately calls 911. "My friend isn't breathing," he shouts into the phone. "What should I do?" "Relax," the operator tells him. "I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There's silence, and then a gunshot. The guy gets back on the phone and says, "OK, now what?"
#13
Lost in Thought Forest
A guy walks with a young boy into the woods. The boy turns to him and says, "Hey mister, it's getting really dark and I'm scared." The man replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone."
Dark Dad Jokes
Universally, dads seem to have nailed a joke formula that can both delight and embarrass family members simultaneously. But sometimes they dangle at the edge of darkness that may make you go, “Whoa, that was savage!” These dark-humored dad jokes take a deliciously dark turn!
- When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back.
- A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a tree. “Don’t cut me down,” the tree exclaims, “I’m a talking tree!” The man says, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”
- Why did Grandma miss the funeral? She wasn’t a mourning person.
#14
Multi-Screen Mode Activated
My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf.
Dark humor walks a fine line, and that’s exactly why it hits so hard. If these Dark Jokes entertained your inner mischief, keep the laughs going in our dark humor jokes collection.
#15
Hands-On with Glue
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
#16
Edge of Curiosity
I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy.
Dark Humor Knock Knock Jokes
These dark humor knock-knock jokes delve into the macabre, the absurd, and the taboo with a devilish sense of humor. These knock-knock jokes may make you chuckle and squirm at the same time. Guessing what lurks behind that imaginary door? Let us tell you.
- Knock! Knock! “Who’s there?” Lettuce. “Lettuce who?” Please let us out of the basement.
- Knock! Knock! “Who’s there?” Dwayne. “Dwayne, who?” Dwayne the bathtub, I’m drowning.
- Knock! Knock! “Who’s there?” Howie. “Howie, who?” Howie gonna hide this body?!
- Knock! Knock! “Who’s there?” Control Freak. Okay, now you say, "Control Freak, who?"
#17
Unexpected Throne Vibes
What is the worst combination of illnesses? Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where.
#18
Peeling Back Reality
Turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It’s true. I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.
#19
I've asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for. So far no one has given me a straight answer.
#20
Old School Playground Vibes
A son tells his father, "I have an imaginary girlfriend." The father sighs and says, "You know, you could do better." "Thanks Dad," the son says. The father shakes his head and goes, "I was talking to your girlfriend."
Gut-Buster Shadows
- My grandfather has the heart of a lion… And a lifetime ban from the zoo.
- What do you call a magic dog? A labracadabrador.
- They say money talks, but mine just waves goodbye.
- I was addicted to hokey pokey… but thankfully, I turned myself around.
- If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
#21
Lost in the Tourist Shuffle
As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
#22
I got my COVID test today, it says 50. What does that mean? Also, my IQ test came back positive.
#23
Awkward Moments Expert
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.
#24
Morning Rituals Matter
My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. "She obviously has COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked. My wife replied with a sneer, "Because she has no taste."
#25
Midnight Ride Vibes
Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus. And I lost my job as a bus driver!
#26
I took my mother-in-law out yesterday morning. Being a sniper is awesome.
#27
Flashbacks and Photo Finds
One man’s trash is another man’s treasure. Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you were adopted.
#28
Leveling Up in Patience
My parents raised me as an only child, which really annoyed my younger brother.
#29
My son, who's into astronomy, asked me how stars die. "Usually an overdose, son," I told him.
#30
Color Me Curious
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
Valentina Randi 4 years ago
reading these while half asleep will make you fully wake up....in an interesting way
#31
Woodshop in Full Swing
A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. "You can't cut me down," the tree complains. "I'm a talking tree!" The man responds, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."
#32
Voice Command Vibes
Siri, why am I still single?! *Siri activates front camera*
Devious Chuckles
- What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between you and me, something smells.
- Why don’t skeletons ever get into fights? They don’t have the guts.
- I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.
- I'm reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
- My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort.
#33
I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin. The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.
#34
I wasn't close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.
#36
Remember, being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible.
#37
What do you call an orphan taking a selfie? A family photo.
#38
"I have good and bad news," the doctor said to his patient. "Give me the good news first," the patient said. "Your test results are back," the doctor said, "and you have only two days to live." "That's the good news?" the patient exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "I've been trying to reach you for two days."
#39
Dark Jokes You’ll Laugh At… Then Regret
My wife of 60 years told me, "Let's go upstairs and make love." I just sighed and said, "Choose one, I can't do both."
#40
Since the pandemic started, my wife just stands there sadly looking through the window. I should probably go let her in.
#41
Never break someone's heart, they only have one. Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.
Ryan Deschanel 4 years ago
"Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life" sir Terrence Pratchett.
#42
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.
#43
I was shocked when I found out my toaster was not waterproof.
#44
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess.
#45
What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.
#46
I have a fish that can breakdance! Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.
#47
Patient: Oh doctor, I’m just so nervous. This is my first operation. Doctor: Don’t worry. Mine too.
#48
"Welcome back to Plastic Surgery Anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces here today!"
#49
90s Vibes Only
Why are friends a lot like snow? If you pee on them, they disappear.
#50
I've learnt that saying "Oh, this old thing?" isn't an appropriate way to introduce an elderly relative.
#51
My Grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Atlanta Zoo.
#52
Dentist: “This will hurt a little.” Patient: “OK.” Dentist: “I’m having an affair with your wife.”
#53
When we were kids, we used to be afraid of the dark. But when we grew up, the electricity bill made us afraid of the light!
#54
The easiest way to know you are ugly is when you are handed the camera every time there is a group photo.
#55
Priest: “Do you have any last requests?” Murderer sitting in the electric chair: “Yes. Can you please hold my hand?”
#57
My Therapist told me, "Time heals all wounds"... So, I stabbed him. Now we wait.
#58
The Funniest Dark Jokes From The Internet
I took my grandma to a fish spa center where the little fish eat your dead skin for only $45. It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.
#59
Patient: “Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?” Doctor: “To the morgue.” Patient: “What? But I’m not dead yet!” Doctor: “And we’re not there yet.”
#60
Wife: “I want another baby” Husband: “That’s a relief, I also really don’t like this one”.
#61
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!
#62
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
#63
Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens? When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, "Bach, Bach, Bach."
#64
Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he'll fly for the rest of his life.
Ryan Deschanel 4 years ago
That's not flying, that's just falling with style... No, not even with style. Just falling.
#65
A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, "I'm sorry, but you only have ten left." The patient asks him, "Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?" The doctor calmly looks at him and says, "Nine."
#66
My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without him.
#67
Dark Jokes About Life, Death, And Everything In Between
I made a website for orphans. It doesn’t have a home page.
#68
Son: “Dad, did you get the results of the DNA test back?” Dad: “Call me George.”
#69
Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face. For instance, when you push them down the stairs.
#70
What's the difference between me and cancer? My dad didn't beat cancer.
#71
Did you hear about the guy who got his left side chopped off? He's all right now!
#72
My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale. Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest.
Ryan Deschanel 4 years ago
Maybe she just wanted to make her mother dance with red-glowing hot iron shoes until she dies?
#73
Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight. Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions.
#74
How do you make any salad into a caesar salad? Stab it twenty three times.
#75
I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.
#76
"I want a divorce!" "But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part." "I guess you are right. Very well, go ahead and drink up the tea I made for you."
#77
Why are cigarettes good for the environment? They kill people.
Paul Harris 4 years ago
Yes. Smoke more cigarettes. Eat more junk food. Drink more beer. Buy more guns.
#78
What did Kermit the Frog say at his puppeteer’s funeral? Nothing.
#79
The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.
#80
My favorite film is The Hunchback of Notre Dame. I love a protagonist with a twisted back story.
#81
Boy: “Mom, can I have a dog for Christmas, please?” Mom: “No, you’re getting turkey, like every year!“.
#82
Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.
#83
Daddy, there is a man at the door. He says he is collecting for the nursing home. That’s perfect. Tell him grandpa is coming in a moment.
#84
If you want to stop an argument between deaf people, be fast and switch off the lights. Case ended!
#85
When ordering food at a restaurant, I asked the waiter what they do to prepare their chicken. “Nothing special,” he explained. “We just tell them they’re going to die.”
#86
My grief counsellor died. He was so good, I don’t even care.
#87
Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours. Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
#88
Why can’t Michael Jackson go within 500 metres of a school? Because he’s dead.
#89
Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That's the punch line.
#90
Wickedly Smart Dark Jokes For The Brave
There’s a lot of talk about starting families, but no one ever talks about finishing what they started.
#91
Patient: “Doctor! Doctor! Help me – I cannot feel my legs!” Doctor: “Don’t panic, that’s perfectly normal. It’s because I amputated your arms!”
#92
I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.
#93
When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.
#94
My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It's a good thing he drives a Civic.
#95
They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it's poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.
#96
Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
My Name Is Mars 4 years ago
What happens if you arrive late to a cannibal dinner party? You get the cold shoulder!
#97
I hope Death is a woman. That way it will never look at me twice.
#98
What’s the difference between a dinosaur and a lump of coal? Sixty million years.
#99
What's yellow and can't swim? A bus full of children.
#100
My boss said to me, “You’re the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?” I said, “I’m not sure; it’s hard to keep track.”
#101
I bet my friend $5 that he would drown in the lake… It was a bittersweet victory.
#102
What do you do if you’re ever attacked by a gang of clowns? Go for the juggler.
#103
I got a job as a librarian, but it only lasted half an hour. Turns out, books about women’s rights shouldn’t go in the Sci-Fi / Fantasy section.
#105
Dark Jokes That Are Wrong On So Many Levels
I just got my doctor's test results and I'm really upset. Turns out, I'm not gonna be a doctor.
#107
Where do you find a dog with no legs? Exactly where you left it.
#108
I heard Sony's coming out with a new console during the pandemic. It's called the Plaguestation 5.
#111
Patient: Oh Doctor, I’m starting to forget things. Doctor: Since when have you had this condition? Patient: What condition?
#112
You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.
#113
Sorry, what’s the quickest way to get to the hospital? Just stand in the middle of a busy road.
#114
What do you get when you cross a rabbit and a pit bull? Just the pit bull.
#115
The cemetery is so overcrowded. People are just dying to get in.
#116
Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.
#117
I went out with this girl once who wanted to be treated like a princess. So I put her in the back of a Mercedes and crashed it.
#118
How can you tell your acne is really starting to get out of hand? The blind start reading your face.
#120
Dark Humor Jokes You Shouldn’t Share (But Will)
Mom, the kids are laughing at me, they say my teeth are too long!” – “Oh shush, now you’ve scratched the whole floor again!
#121
I have a joke about quarantine, but I don’t know if you’ll get it. It’s an inside joke.
#123
Why do vampires seem sick? They’re always coffin.
#124
What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn’t really matter what you call him, he won’t come anyway.
#125
What’s the difference between a baby and a potato. About 140 calories.
#126
I don't have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere.
#127
Why do they call it the novel coronavirus? It’s a long story…
#128
Dark Jokes For People With A Seriously Twisted Sense Of Humor
Why is there air conditioning in hospitals? To keep the vegetables cool and fresh.
#129
My father always used to say, “What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger,” – "till the accident".
#130
I got a second opinion after I asked my psychiatrist for it after he said I was crazy. He said I was ugly too.
#132
Why can't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is.
#133
What animal has five legs? A pitbull returning from a playground.
#134
I’ve stopped making jokes about Covid. They flu over your heads.
#135
Dark Humor is like Healthcare.... It's better if only some people get it.
See Also
If you like your humor a bit edgy, check out these joke collections for adults and brave souls alike.
What do you think ?
Jess Ovo 4 years ago
What do an alcoholic and a necrophiliac have in common? .. .. Both like to crack open a cold one! (:
Carol Emory 4 years ago (edited)
Old man is flying down the freeway in his new corvette. He soon sees a state patrolman behind him with lights on. He takes off driving nearly 100 mph. When the siren sounds, he comes to his senses and pulls over. Before the cop reaches the window, the man apologizes for running. The cop says "I've heard every excuse there is, but if you tell me something original, I'll let you go." The man says "Well you see officer, a few years back, my wife ran off with a state patrolman...so when I saw your lights in the rearview mirror...I thought you were trying to bring her back!" Cop tips his hat "Have a nice day!"
Kanuli 4 years ago
Missing my favorite: How many babies do you need to paint a wall? Depends how hard you throw. Also good: Whats worse than 9 babies in a garbage bin? 1 baby in 9 garbage bins.
BasedWang 4 years ago
then theres, whats the difference between a corvette and a pile of dead babies? I dont have a corvette in my garage
Load More Replies...
Jess Ovo 4 years ago
What do an alcoholic and a necrophiliac have in common? .. .. Both like to crack open a cold one! (:
Carol Emory 4 years ago (edited)
Old man is flying down the freeway in his new corvette. He soon sees a state patrolman behind him with lights on. He takes off driving nearly 100 mph. When the siren sounds, he comes to his senses and pulls over. Before the cop reaches the window, the man apologizes for running. The cop says "I've heard every excuse there is, but if you tell me something original, I'll let you go." The man says "Well you see officer, a few years back, my wife ran off with a state patrolman...so when I saw your lights in the rearview mirror...I thought you were trying to bring her back!" Cop tips his hat "Have a nice day!"
Kanuli 4 years ago
Missing my favorite: How many babies do you need to paint a wall? Depends how hard you throw. Also good: Whats worse than 9 babies in a garbage bin? 1 baby in 9 garbage bins.
BasedWang 4 years ago
then theres, whats the difference between a corvette and a pile of dead babies? I dont have a corvette in my garage
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