Summer is coming up, and so is the favorite season for the engaged to throw their wedding bash! Besides the ceremony, bouquet toss, wedding toasts, and the cake, one of the most awaited parts of the wedding day might be the speeches, especially one from the best man who, by the time it's his turn to speak, might have had one too many glasses of bubbly!
Considering that the best man is often the groom's best pal or brother who knows all the groom's filthiest secrets and embarrassing moments, it's almost natural for the best man to include some funny jokes in the speech. Be it the opening, the middle, or the ending of the speech, there's no wrong time to crack a few funny jokes about the groom. Yet, if you want to leave a long-lasting impression on the guests, best man speech jokes are best said at the start and end of the speech—to come in and go out with a bang! And although we can't prepare the speech for you (apparently, AI can do that), we don't mind tossing some best man jokes your way, which you could use in your speech to liven up the celebration and get the newlyweds and guests to hoot with laughter!
Below, we've compiled a list of funny best man jokes you may personalize and employ when prepping your best man's speech. If you found any of these wedding speech jokes worthy of including in the best man's heartfelt confession to the newlyweds, let us know by giving those an upvote. Also, if you are interested in even more good jokes to crack at the upcoming betrothal, check out our post featuring 100+ wedding jokes.
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"My only wish for you is that each day of your marriage is better than the previous, so that you can look back on today, your wedding day, and say that it was the worst day of your life."
For those of you who don't know me, I'm the grooms brother, and for those of you who do know me... I apologize.
Good evening everyone. I’m so happy to preside over the only five minutes that the bride didn’t plan.
It’s been an emotional day. Even the cake is in tiers.
Excellent. With Dad-level puns like these it should be a room full of baby showers in no time
"Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen. I apologise in advance for not being a public speaker. If you see me looking down at this piece of paper again and again, it's not actually my notes, it's a picture of the massive drink I'm going to have as soon as this is over."
"I actually started my best man's speech with:
"Looking out I see a lot of familiar faces, and a lot of faces that are new to me. I don't know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve."
Bride and Groom were huge LOTR fans. It was perfect."
"Not the best man but the father of one of the grooms:
‘Well, a gay wedding. What next!’
guests hold their breath
‘The answer, of course, is a honeymoon!'"
Seeing the happy couple walking down the aisle earlier today, I’m sure we all agree that the bride looked simply stunning. The groom, on the other hand, simply looked stunned.
"'Sorry everyone, this speech will be a little bit off the cuff. I figured I would have more time to prepare. [husband and wife] started dating in 1998, and it took them 7 years to get engaged. It took another 6 for the wedding to happen, so I figured I would have at least a few months between the ceremony and the reception to figure this thing out.'
It gives a nice bit of background on the couple, is about as safe as you can get, and should get a few laughs."
"'I'd like to offer a toast to the bride and groom.'"
Then whip a piece of toast out of your breast pocket, hold it in their direction, and say you want them to have this.
I did it as best man at a large wedding and it killed."
Like the wedding ceremony in Hungers Games District 12, they toast bread and share.
"I saw a grooms brother say, "I always knew you would find the best wife" in front of three other sisters in law."
"I was at a wedding once where the best man inhaled most of the contents of a helium balloon, possibly one of the true great speeches of all time."
"For my brother's wedding, I pulled out a piece of paper and started:
"I have known this man since we were college roommates eight years ag-Oh sh*t! I brought the wrong suit we're going to have to wing it.""
All those among you who know the Bride will know that she is a wonderful and caring person. She deserves a good husband. Thank God he married her before she found one.
They joke that a woman finds a man she loves for exactly who he is and then spends her life trying to change him. So let’s all raise our glasses and take a last look at the Groom. We’re gonna miss you, buddy!
"My wedding speech started with: 'I'm 33 and I've no kids, no steady girlfriend and like being single, what do I know about marriage?'"
The Groom was telling me that the amazing meal this evening was charged on a cost-per-head basis, so, on the Bride and Groom’s behalf, I’d like to thank the following people for not coming…
All of us gathered together in this room, we've got something really important in common - none of us have got a clue what I'm going to say next!
I have to say, I was a little worried when the groom asked me to be his best man. I mean, this is a guy who once tried to microwave a frozen pizza while it was still in the box. But then he met the bride, and she's been keeping him out of trouble ever since.
"My maid of honor opened hers with 'For those of you who don't know who I am... how dare you?'"
""To the owner of a blue Honda, license plate 4YG 87X, your car is being towed."
Replace make, model, plate with the actual car of someone in the wedding party."
I’m not used to public speaking. I only found out today that a toastmaster isn’t actually a kitchen appliance.
"Say a bunch of really good compliments about a guy. Then say "enough about the best man, lets talk about the groom.""
"I recently gave a toast at a scottish wedding, groom and groomsmen were all wearing kilts. I started my toast by saying how lovely the bride looked, and how gorgeous she looked in her dress... I followed it up by saying how the groom doesn't look half bad in his dress either. Got a good amount of laughs."
The groom stole the bride's heart, so the bride stole the groom's last name. All in all, I would say that things worked out quite nicely, considering neither of them ended up in prison...
I didn’t really know where to start so I thought I’d trawl the internet. After a couple of hours I’d found some really, really good stuff. But then I remembered that I was supposed to be writing a speech.
Twenty years ago, the Groom was told by a doctor that he would never dance normally again. When the band starts, you’ll see exactly what that specialist was talking about.
I'd like to start by congratulating the happy couple on their excellent taste... in speakers.
Now I know what you’re all thinking, doesn’t the best man look great in his suit! I would like to comment that this is down to a fitness regime which includes me doing at least 50 push-ups a day for the last three months. But I should mention that none of them have actually been intentional – I’ve just been collapsing a lot from all the nerves and stress.
I've known the groom for years, and I've got to say, he's the luckiest guy in the room today. And that's not just because he's getting married, but because he's got me as his best man. I mean, have you seen the other guys he hangs out with?
We all know the bride is a wonderful person who deserves the perfect guy. Too bad you don’t always get what you deserve.
Hi everyone, I’m the best man – although I think I was picked by default since the groom doesn’t really have any other friends.
Now, before I start, the hotel manger has asked me to request that, for reasons of health and safety, none of you get up on top of the chairs and tables during my standing ovation.
We’ve now reached the point in the proceedings when we all get to see the Groom shift uncomfortably in his seat and grip the tablecloth in nervous anticipation. That’s right. I’ve been asked to give him the drinks bill.
I’ve been asked by many how I’m going to cope with my best friend being married and spending all of his time loved up at home. I’m thrilled! I’ll finally be able to talk to women without him cramping my style.
I do have to say to the Groom though, just how lucky you are. You will leave here today with a wife who is warm, loving and caring. And the Bride as well, how lucky you are as well. You leave here today having gained a lovely dress and a wonderful bouquet of flowers.
For the speech today, the Bride and Groom have asked that I don’t talk about the Groom’s mishaps, mistakes, embarrassing moments or ex-girlfriends. So thanks for listening everyone, that’s all from me!
I have no problem admitting to you all that I’m extremely nervous right now. And as the people sitting near the front of the room can attest, it is actually possible to smell fear.
Before I start ladies and gentlemen, let us observe a few moments silence in memory of the 3,000 prawns, 200 chickens, countless carnations, delphiniums, lilies and roses who selflessly gave their lives to make this wedding celebration possible.
For those of you who don’t know me, I’m... I have been the groom's mate for 2 days now, he found my advert on a website as he hasn’t got many friends so had to hire someone for the day.
I’ve been instructed to keep this speech smut-free, so if I come across any innuendo as I’m reading through, I’ll whip it out immediately.
If you could keep the clapping and cheering to a minimum today – I’ve got a terrible hangover. I know you shouldn’t drink heavily before a big event but I couldn’t let the Groom drink alone, could I?
I did ask for a microphone but was told there weren’t any available. So if you can’t hear me at the back, the silence at the front should assure you that you’re not missing out on anything.
The Groom and I share a common sense of humour. So if this is not funny, feel free to blame him.
I spoke to some of the groom’s colleagues and they told me he’s something of a God at work. He’s rarely seen, holier than thou, and if he does any work it’s a bloody miracle!
I’d now like to focus on the groom for a moment. Enjoy it, mate. After today, this is the last time you'll ever be the center of attention.
As the best man, it's my job to talk about the groom's qualities that make him a great partner. Unfortunately, I couldn't think of any, so I just Googled 'good qualities in a husband' and read him the top ten list.
Now he’s getting a bit older he’s turning his attention more and more to gadgets, constantly buying stuff from ebay, amazon and I want one of those dot com. I swear he didn’t have an interest in women until he overheard someone say the secret to women was knowing what buttons to press.
When it came time for the Best Man speech, he pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket and began reading about what a wonderful husband the Groom was going to be, how he was loyal, handsome, kind, how he was loved by everyone, etc… Then, the Best Man squinted at the paper, stumbled over the words, then turned to the Groom, handed him the paper and announced, "I can’t read your handwriting!"
"We are gathered here today to remember and celebrate the life of {The Groom} and while we mourn that he was taken from us all too soon... Wait a minute... that's for next week... gimme a minute to find today's speech..."
Just a couple of rules before we begin. If you have a mobile phone – leave it switched on, entertain yourselves. And if anyone texts you any good jokes, send them my way.
I didn’t really want to do this, but I thought it might be the only chance I’ll get to have a meal and some drinks paid for by the Groom.
Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen. I must inform you that I’ve had rather a heavy night and I’m still feeling a little fragile. Therefore please spare a thought and try not to clap and yelp too loudly during my speech, however tempting that might be. You’d think I’d know better than to be out boozing in the early hours just before a big wedding, but I don’t like to see (Groom’s name) drinking alone.
Hello! I’m the groom’s best man. He told me if I do a good job today I can be the best man at his next wedding too.
"The best line I've heard in a best man speech: "Life is like a maze, full of twists and turns, ghosts chasing after you...""
Being asked to be someone’s best man is like being called up for jury duty. You don’t really want to do it but know you have to. You’re made to dress snappy and pretend to be an upstanding member of the community. The only difference is I didn’t have a say in the life sentence passed earlier today.
Don’t worry my speech won’t take too long today, because of my throat. The bride has threatened to cut it if I go on for too long. And the groom has threatened to cut it if I mention anything about the bachelor party.
I spoke to both (groom and bride) before the Wedding and I asked (groom) what he was looking for in Marriage – he said “Love, happiness and a long life together.” When I asked (bride) the same question – she replied – A coffee perculator!
When I was younger, my brother (the Groom) used to push me down the stairs, ridicule me in front of our family and friends, and beat me up on a daily basis. Finally, after 20 years, he finally realized who the best man is.
"Get serious and do the first couple sentences of the president's speech from Independence Day."
"I had 6 feet of (pretend) notes rolled up and folded in my pocket. When I started the speech at my wedding, I told everyone I just wanted to say a few short words and then let the notes roll down to the floor."
""I never thought I'd meet someone who cares about what other people thought as much as my sister... until I met (husbands name)."
Wait for laughs."
This is from an intentionally bad MoH speech by Rachel McAdam's character in Wedding Crashers
I don’t believe in roasting the groom on his special day. Therefore this speech won’t contain anything embarrassing or controversial. Instead, I’ll refer only to the kind, funny side of his character. Thank you and goodnight.
I have one final piece of advice for you two lovebirds: never stop laughing, even when the jokes are lame.
As part of my research, I discovered that according to tradition I am supposed to sing the Groom’s praises and tell you all about his many good points. Well, I’m very sorry but I can’t sing and I won’t lie.
I always knew the Groom’s speech would be hard to follow. In fact, I couldn’t understand a word of it.
What a pleasure it is to be Best Man at this wedding. The Groom made me compete for this honour today, but I was able to beat the Bartender over there in rock-paper-scissors, so here I am!
I think we can all agree that it's been a fantastic day. But unfortunately that ends right here with my speech.
I'd like to begin my speech by giving the happy couple some relationship advice, but unfortunately I'm single and spend most of my time trying to coax my cat into little outfits/browsing Doctor Who fan sites/playing Rock Paper Scissors with Alexa.
Guys, before I start, just some housekeeping notes, the venue has asked that you don't stand on any of the chairs and tables for my standing ovation.
A good marriage is like a casserole: only those responsible for it really know what goes into it.
Now I have a few cards to read out from those who couldn’t make it today.
There was one time when (groom) was asked, ‘What is (bride)’s favourite flower?’ To which he had no hesitation in replying, ‘Self Raising!’ ‘What makes a good wife?’ ‘One who helps her husband with the washing up!’ And, ‘What’s the last thing you’ll say to you wife before going to sleep?’ ‘It doesn’t matter what I say, you’ll buy it anyway.
At my twin brother’s wedding I opened with: "When I first met the Groom I didn’t really like him. He was always crowding my space and stealing my nutrients, but after we busted out of that uteran prison we were perpetual partners in crime…
"I was the MC at my sister's wedding. At the time I was wearing my hair in a mohawk but most of the guests were pretty conservative. I had just re-shaved the sides of the hawk on the morning of the wedding so it looked brand new. I started my speech by telling the large crowd of guests (about 500 people) that they were giving out free haircuts in an alley behind the building. I got some good laughs. A little bit of self depreciating humor definitely helped get the laughter I needed to ease my worries about doing a good job for my sister and her new husband."
Firstly, I’d just like to say how nervous I am to be making this speech. I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve stood up from a warm seat with warm pieces of paper in my hand today.
I heard there was a sweep stake on the length of the best man’s speech. I just went for 35 minutes – so settle in…
Leading up to today (the groom and bride) were having an issue with the seating plan. Who would sit comfortably in here and who would have to get up and stand during the speeches so we decided to use a wedding present list, the biggest presents at the front and work it back from there.
