A wedding is a wonderful ordeal - the day when you decide to tie yourself to another human being (well, not necessarily a human being, but let’s leave it at that for the sake of tradition), throw a huge party to commemorate the fact and change your identity just a slight bit by adopting a new surname. Or adding another one to an already existing one and then cursing loudly each time you have to sign using your full name. Anyway, aren’t weddings just magical? Yeah, both magical and a bit looney, but that’s where all the best wedding jokes happen - straight from that looney part. And boy, aren’t they funny! So, if you were searching for some quality wedding jokes, this is the absolute right place for that.
If you’ve ever attended a wedding, you know that besides people looking their best for the occasion, some free meals, and wonderful photo-ops, such a party is bound to have a funny mishap or two. Well, after all, it’s a group of people to whom booze is served ad-lib, there are some heightened emotions all around, and even a broken heart or two added in the mix. But hey, that’s where the best jokes come from! And what a better way than to start your new journey in life with a healthy dose of quality marriage jokes.
So, scroll on down below to meet our selection of funny wedding jokes! They are, just as usual, a bit further down. Once you are there, be sure to vote for the best jokes and share this article with those to whom it might be of concern.
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Blue-haired old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, “You’re next!” They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
"The only way I'm coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do."
"I want my wedding catered by the Costco sample people."
GF: "You're so childish."
Me: "It's my day too Linda."
[we sit in silence]
Wedding planner: "So is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?"
I went to a cannibals wedding last weekend. All was going well until they decided to toast the Bride and Groom.
I bought a ticket to the World Cup finals without realizing it’s also my wedding day! Does anyone want to go in my place?
The church is St. Antony’s and the bride’s name is Joanna.
On my wedding day, I walked down the aisle with my back to the altar. I really wasn't looking forward to getting married.
"Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life."
I went to a wedding where all the guests ended up getting food poisoning from the buffet. It was a real party pooper.
My friend was telling me about a wedding he is going to next year. He said he'll be wearing the same kilt as the groom. I love the idea, but I'm really not sure how they're both going to fit into it.
"The older I get the more I want to know exactly how Katherine Heigl's character could afford to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings."
"People’s put the weirdest shit on their wedding registries. What the hell are you going to do with a crystal duck Katie?"
"Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall."
My wife emailed me our wedding photos, but I couldn’t open any of the files. I always have trouble with emotional attachments.
My ex-wife kept the only copy of our wedding video. I can’t see myself getting married again.
My friend wanted to feel like a princess on her wedding day. So we made her marry a man she never met in order to secure a French alliance.
"When I get married I'm gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they'll know about the wedding but won't be allowed to go."
"I didn't know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer."
"If I ever get married I think I will make everyone wear crocs to the wedding. Dress code: croctail attire."
What do Polish men give their wives on their wedding day that’s long and hard?
Their last name.
I just saw two nuclear technicians getting married. The bride was radiant, and the groom was glowing.
Marriage is becoming more and more progressive. I hear two scoutmasters decided to tie the knot.
Why can't a vampire see his bride on the wedding day?
Because an open casket ceremony costs more.
"Sorry but I can not attend your wedding as your lack of nacho cheese fountain does not fit my personal brand."
[Phone w/ fiancé]
"Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?"
"As long as it's black, why?"
*wearing batsuit* "No reason."
I went to a wedding where two satellite dishes got married. The ceremony wasn’t great, but the reception was amazing.
I came home one day. My wife was watching a movie, she kept on screaming at the TV, don't do it, don't do it... I asked her what movie she was watching?
She said, a video of our wedding day.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
To keep your marriage brimming with love in the marriage cup, whenever you're wrong, admit it, whenever you're right, shut up.
They say that when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.
A man with a southern drawl and a French woman are at the altar when he starts having second thoughts. "Do you take this woman to be your wife" asks the minister. "Adieu" the man replies.
Serious inquiries only: "A friend of mine has Two Tickets for the 2016 Ryder Cup. They are Premier Box Seats plus Airfares and 5* Hotel All-Inclusive Accommodation. He didn't realize when he bought them, that this is the same day as his Wedding Day. If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St Johns Church, Melbourne at 2.15pm. Her name is Susan. She will be the one in the White Dress..."
The most emotional part of the wedding was not the speeches or the vows. It was when the cake was smashed into my face. It really brought a tier to my eye.
"I hate going to weddings because I always wake up to a video someone took of me drunk dancing."
"I've never seen a groom or a bride going to the toilet on their wedding day... Do they wear pampers?"
*At my future wedding*:
"Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?"
Me to the group chat: "Omg do I say yes or is that desperate?"
Me at 18: "I have hundreds of friends I could ask to hang out with me tonight."
Me now: "Maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding."
MY WEDDING:
"Tetris theme plays as I slowly inch down the aisle, trying to perfectly fit my finger in the ring."
"A wedding guest list is the single most political thing you will ever do unless you become the President of the United States of America."
"Why do people insist on saying "You're next" to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?"
Me planning a wedding: "Dress code is warm and nice but not TOO formal but don't be weird about it, like nice jeans or more like- don't overdo it or buy anything just for this like it's chill if y-."
Wedding planner: "I cannot work with this and we are out of room on the invite."
"Just got invited to a wedding whose attire specifications are "Tropical chic beach elegant," and no. Just no."
"My friend's wedding dress code is "Dressy casual". That means necktie and sweatpants, right? Never mind don't tell me I'm already in the car."
"Y’all I need help… I’m going to a farm wedding at the end of September."
Attire: "Festive Cocktail and or Farm Fancy. What the hell do I wear?"
"When you wear a cocktail dress to a wedding because the invite says “cocktail attire” but you arrive and find out they changed it to “Beachy casual.”"
Ran out of battery when filming my friend’s speech at his wedding. Now I’m never going to hear the end of it.
I received a wedding invitation. It read, "Your presence itself is a present. We don't want any presents at the wedding." After re-reading it repeatedly, I concluded that I wasn't invited. So I decided not to attend.
What do the Kentucky Derby and a wedding have in common?
They both have months of build-up for 2 minutes of action.
On my way to my wedding, I got caught in a rain shower and my dress was ruined. I tried to file a claim with insurance but they said I didn’t have an umbrella policy.
What's the difference between an Australian wedding and an Australian funeral?
One less drunk at the funeral.
Why do married people spin their wedding band?
They are trying to figure out the combination.
The D.J. at a wedding reception yelled, "Would all the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living." The bartender was almost crushed to death.
I watched the Indian version of How I Met Your Mother… There’s just one episode and it is about a wedding.
My wife told me she and her sister started a weight loss competition to see who can shed the most pounds before their cousin's wedding this summer. "I hope you win" was not the correct response.
There was a man who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married and now he is going through hell.
Marriage is an institution. In which a man loses his Bachelor’s Degree and the woman gets her Master's.
Collect as many keys as you can from the wedding party and friends without the bride and groom knowing. Pass them out to as many women as you can, making sure they don’t say anything. During your speech, say “The bride knows that the groom has had a lot of girlfriends in the past, and would really appreciate it if any of them who have keys to his place could please return them.” This is the cue for everyone with a key to bring it to the wedding table. It would also be hilarious if you got a couple of pregnant women and maybe someone’s grandmother into the group.
Thereʻs nothing ironic about rain on your wedding day. It’s normal for a couple to have a bridal shower.
On my wedding day, My dad sat me down and had "The talk" with me.
Dad: "Son, you will have to make a choice now. You can be right, or you can be happy. But you cannot be both."
Me: I think for a moment "But ever since I can remember, you are always wrong."
Dad: "Exactly."
You know when you walk into a room and forget why you went in there?
That's how my wife said she felt on our wedding day.
[Inventing wedding dresses]
"A massive skirt!"
"More skirt!"
"MORE."
"Now, put a skirt over her face!"
"God ya that’s the stuff."
[Wedding meal]
"*Taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine."
that one drunk man in the corner: I got more wine coming from my d**k
"Great idea, let's write our own wedding vows. I can't think of a better way to kick off my eternity with you than a homework assignment."
"At this point, if you're NOT paying a hustler to play your wedding date or member of your wedding party you are basic as hell."
"At this rate, I'll have about 4 people at my wedding."
"The dress code for the wedding I'm attending this weekend is "Garden attire" and I'm confused if that means florals or crocs or what."
"A fun to mess with your closest 175 friends and family is by putting a nonsensical dress code on your wedding invitations. Try “Small town newspaper chic” or “Landlocked destination whimsy” or “Family recipe green tie” and see what they dream up!"
"On Wedding Planning FB group - somebody has said their wedding dress code for guests is strictly black & grey only. I can't think of anything more miserable looking. I would be gutted if my wedding looked like a funeral."
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."
If the actress Tuesday Wells married the grandson of director Frederick March, would she become Tuesday March the third?
I identify with football players because I know what it’s like to spend your whole life training for a large, jewel-encrusted ring.
I went to a wedding where a fight broke out between the bride and groom. It was martial arts.
"On my wedding day, I’ll prob look so pretty that I get cocky and suggest we see other people."
"How are you supposed to RSVP to a wedding invite when they leave out crucial details like the WiFi situation?"
Me to dad: "You're not preaching my wedding..."
Dad: "Yes I am, I've already asked myself."
Me: "Oh ok."
"Gonna make my wedding dress code health goth formal."
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" The father thought for a while and replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
In older times, it is reported that sacrifices were made at the altar. Since then, weddings have been held there. Times haven’t changed at all!
Tonight is my wedding to this super-wealthy lady. I'm so excited thinking about the Sarah money.
Walmart was going to put wedding chapels in their stores, but after trying it in the south for testing they decided not to, it had too high of a return rate.
"I was invited to a wedding with “Smart casual” attire. Now I’ll be spending three weeks figuring out what the hell that means."
I did some research online about best man speeches and it said that you should make your best man speech mainly about the groom. So like *the groom* this speech is going to be short and disappointing.
After his husband forgot the wedding anniversary, his wife tells him:
"You'd better have something in front of the house, tomorrow, which goes
from 0 to 100 in 4 seconds."
The next day, she finds on the road, a bathroom scale.
Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?
It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!
"My 4 year old cousin was the flower girl at her aunt’s wedding - confused about her role and what she was celebrating, she sang Happy Birthday the whole way down the aisle..."
"At my wedding when I was repeating the vows I accidentally said "I Megan Katherine..." Which is my wife's name."
"I once went to a wedding where the bride's uncle was asked to leave for trying to start the wave during the vows."
"I once went to a wedding party and danced for over an hour before my partner and I realized we were in the wrong hall!"
"At my brother’s wedding the flower girl got so nervous she crawled under a bridesmaids dress and just sat there for the entire ceremony."
It's been five years since I went to the wedding of the invisible man and the invisible woman. The kids aren't anything to look at either.
For my wedding, I was married by a judge. What I didn’t realize is that I probably should have asked for a jury.
"My friend had her wedding on the beach. During the ceremony, a gust of wind blew the minister’s toupée into the ocean and then a seagull ate it."
"Thirty years ago my dad accidentally locked himself in the church bathroom and managed to break down the door five minutes before he was to marry my mom."
"At our wedding, my wife’s dad performed the ceremony. He pronounced us Chad and Jina Olbinski. My name is Mike."
"I watched the grooms 80 year old grandma do like 7 shots in a row. After that her goal was to kiss every girl at the wedding. She succeeded."
After all the talk about cold feet before a wedding, I didn't notice. Mine were just groom temperature.
"Phone went off in the middle of a ceremony. The middle-aged Priest was unamused, paused the ceremony and started lecturing on the etiquette of church service. Turns out it was his phone ringing."
"After my dad walked me down the aisle, but before he gave me away, he asked my fiancée “Did you bring the money?”"
"Walking grandma down the aisle she whispers "It's sad Ashley will never be married". I'm Ashley."
"My boyfriend ripped his pants demonstrating how he ripped his pants dancing at the last wedding we attended."
"My cousins drove four hours to Sparta, Wisconsin to attend our wedding. The wedding was in Sparta, Georgia."
"My aunt's wedding got awkward when the best man got drunk & announced during the toast that he was in love with the groom."
"My wife bailed me out of jail in her wedding dress. Mug shots in tuxedo. Office said I was the best dressed individual he's ever photographed."
"I once went to a wedding where the groom faint 3 times and the priest got mad and he continues the ceremony with the poor guy laying on the floor."
"My mom was arrested the night before her wedding and my dad used the honeymoon money to bailer her out."
I canceled all my appointments and an important meeting just so that I could make it to your wedding. After all, free food and booze were just too lucrative to give up.
FINALLY! I mean, yeah, congratulations on your wedding. I hope your life drama be more comedy than some melodrama.
Congratulations on your wedding day… I haven’t bothered buying you both a present. It would just be something else to fight over when you get divorced!
"I was photographing a wedding and a groom showed up. He looked very confused. He didn't recognize anyone. Wrong groom, wrong church, wrong date."
