Dads, the New Balance-wearing heroes, the Bermuda shorts-clad supporters, and the slightly protruding pouch-donning meat smokers. Dads are almost like some mythical beings seeing no shortcomings of wearing THE sock and sandal combo, while everyone else shies away from this fashion fiasco as if it would cost their lives. They will pinch your arm if you have a boo-boo on your knee and tell you, ‘Well, THAT doesn’t hurt anymore, does it?’ and they will also remind you your whole life of that one time you stuck a finger in a lawn chair filigree and couldn’t pull it out. However, they will also be there to support you no matter what and will often make even the gravest atmosphere lighter with that universal sense of humor typical only for Fathers. Yup, it’s the dad jokes that turn a man into a father, and it’s the dad jokes that will forever make you groan, cringe, and blow a raspberry. But admit it, you like it, and so do we.
And somehow, only dads can get away with these silly jokes - maybe it’s because they have no fear of embarrassment or maybe because of their mythical Dad Powers that can turn even the lamest joke into an uproarious event. This we have no answer to, and the only thing we can do upon hearing such a joke is to try not to roll our eyes so hard they fall out of their sockets. But let’s get to the point here - while you might think that the dad joke is the most exploited category of jokes ever, let us remind you that the generations of fathers are changing, thus spawning newer, fresher, and even more cringy jokes constantly. That’s why we’ve gathered a list of the best dad jokes that came to the Internets just recently and are offering it to you!
Now, you know what to do - do some warm-up exercises for your facial muscles in preparation to frown, chortle, and snort and scroll down below to check the au courant dose of dad jokes. Then, vote for the silly jokes that made you spill your coffee in exasperation and share these dad-isms with your friends!
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I wish Covid-19 had started in Las Vegas. Because what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it's $1.50. You know why?
Inflation.
My wife said I was immature. So I told her to get out of my fort.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough.
Reminds me of lemons. When life gives you lemons squeeze them right back into life's eyes.
Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion in less than five moves. Finally, my high school karate lessons paid off.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Which days are the strongest?
Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.
I just watched all the Harry Potter movies back to back with a friend. It maybe wasn't the best idea, because it meant I couldn't see the TV.
I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.
I invented a new word today: plagiarism!
I tell dad jokes but I have no kids…I'm a faux pa!
My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down!
why do flamingoes stand on one foot? If they stood on 0, they would fall down!
A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory? There was nothing left but da brie. The better one.
Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days?
They just seem a little shady!
I'm so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed!
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere!
My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They're his watch dogs!
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field!
Why couldn't the astronaut land on the moon?
Because it was full.
Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating?
Because they have no body to go with!
If towels could tell jokes, I think they'd have a very dry sense of humor.
and they might have a tendency to explain the joke, which would really wipe the humor out of it.
I think my wife is putting glue on my antique weapons collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns!
Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That's the punch line.
This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there!
Why is it a bad idea to iron your four-leaf clover?
Cause you shouldn't press your luck.
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
I am not making this up - they taught goldfish to drive in Israel: https://www.cnn.com/videos/world/2022/01/10/goldfish-drive-vehicle-lon-orig-mrg.cnn
One of my favorite memories as a kid was when my brothers used to put me inside a tire and roll me down a hill. They were Goodyears!
I'm addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help!
I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.
Why do dogs float in water?
Because they are good buoys.
Why was the coach yelling at a vending machine?
He wanted his quarter back.
Some people can't distinguish between etymology and entomology. They bug me in ways I can't put into words.
If an English teacher is convicted of a crime and doesn't complete the sentence, is that a fragment?
I've been bored recently so I've decided to take up fencing. The neighbors said they will call the police unless I put it back.
I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?!
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge asks her, "First offender?"
She says, "No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!"
A guy goes to his doctor because he can see into the future. The doctor asks him, "How long have you suffered from that condition?"
The guy tells him, "Since next Monday."
What did the Ranch say when someone opened the refrigerator door?
"Close the door, I'm dressing!"
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, "Let's make this interesting." So we stopped playing chess.
What concert costs just 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickelback!
That's a grand-dad joke. Remembers the idea but messes the delivery. It's 50 cent with Nickelback
What do you call a mac 'n' cheese that gets all up in your face?
Too close for comfort food!
I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes.
My dog used to chase people on a scooter a lot. It got so bad we had to take his scooter away.
After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music?
Because he had a ton of sick beets.
After dinner, my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it!
This morning, Siri said, "Don't call me Shirley." I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode!
A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food here."
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing, it just waved.
My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. "That's my stepladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."
I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house… but the kids still get in.
What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire!
I was really angry at my friend Mark for stealing my dictionary. I told him, "Mark, my words!"
Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket?
"Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket."
Why do Dads take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?
In case they get a hole in one.
What do you call a donkey with only three legs?
A wonkey!
What do you call a Llama that's always complaining about his friends group in an over the top way? A drama Llama.
I'm starting a new dating service in Prague. It's called Czech-Mate.
I have a Polish friend who's a roadie in a band. I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. A Czech one too.
Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.
When the grocery store clerk asks me if I want the milk in a bag, I always tell him, "No, I'd rather drink it out of the carton!"
The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this!
Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said "parking fine."
In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble. In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.
How do you tell the difference between a bull and a milk cow?
It is either one or the utter.
A Vicks VapoRub truck overturned on the highway this morning. Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours!
Did you hear about the bacon cheeseburger who couldn't stop telling jokes?
It was on a roll.
I don't really call for funerals that start before noon. I guess I'm just not a mourning person!
