50 Painfully Funny Memes And Jokes That You Might Relate To All Too Well
Interview With ExpertThe Internet is a safe place for socially awkward people. There are no forced social interactions, no planning of meeting with your friends and no running from store employees when they ask "Can I help you?" As a fellow introvert, I love to decompress by reading, watching and scrolling through content online.
The Antisocial Butterfly Instagram page is for those who thrive on being alone, perhaps with only their cat to bother them. Its 2.1 million follower count is a testament to how many of us are out there. So, gather around, fellow antisocial butterflies and scroll through our selection of memes about this clearly superior way of living!
Bored Panda contacted Alexander Danvers, Ph.D., a social psychologist and Director of Treatment Outcomes at Sierra Tucson. He researches emotions and social interactions and agreed to lend us his expertise. Alex spoke to us about the importance of in-person socialization and whether commenting under a Reddit post or dueting a TikTok video can substitute social interaction in real life.
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By the time Winston is 3 he will have cost his owners thousands in medical bills because of health problems.
Brachycephalic dogs make me very sad, yes :(
Load More Replies...Winston's facial expression at the outset of the walk looks a lot like mine before any exercise activity. NGL, if I could fall asleep on rocks like that, many a hiker would have seen me snoozin' away, Winston-style!
It's exhausting for them, walking, being on a lead and all the new sghts and smells! A slow, sniffy walk can tire a dog out more than chasing a ball.
If the memes on this list are any evidence, going outside and socializing is not very popular right now. We here at Bored Panda have covered antisocial memes and jokes several times already in the past few years. We asked Alex Danvers what he thinks about this trend of hating socialization that's so prevalent on the Internet.
"My own take on what people mean when they say that they hate socializing online is that they hate high-effort, put-on-something-nice, 'going out' type of socializing," Danvers replies. "That takes extra effort, and it can feel like a lot at the end of the week."
Ohhhh i sent him thousands can i have my money back, with intrest ☘️
For me as a non US citizen or resident, who mostly ever sees the Ben Franklin Side of the 100 Dollar bill in film and media, the backside with the bold 100 just looks so fake, like toy money. It's a weird thing.
I could think up a response like this in a week or two. 😉
Load More Replies...My dad used to introduce people to my mom with "This is my first wife, Betty." Technically true, but it drove her crazy.
My dad did this as well. He also told people us kids were hers but they had a different father. Some people believed that for a long time! He was such a joker but it also drove my mom a bit batty.
Load More Replies...When I was a student at university, my wife came to pick me up. She had a friend with her. I was with a group of students. I said, "This is my wife [name]", then turned to the friend. Before I could say anything, she said, "And I am his mistress" and took off her coat. She was 8 months pregnant.
The late, great Eric Morecambe, when checking in to a hotel, would turn to his wife and say, 'What was your name again?'
At daughter's wedding. Guy I played golf with at bachelor outing introduced his GF, Tiffany. I went to get a beer and offered one to Will and asked " Do you want one Tiffany?" She said "who the hell is Tiffany, I'm Sarah?" She tried, but for once I remembered names, "Nice try", they laughed and laughed...
Sounds like my husband and I. Sometimes, when we go out to dinner, once seated at our table, I would ask, "so, does your wife know you're with me?"
In 2018 Danvers' colleague Anne Milek published a study about the link between well-being and the amount of socialization one receives. The more days per hour you spend socializing, the happier you are, they found. "The difference between the happiest and least happy people studied is about four more hours around other people every day," Danvers comments.
"The study I recently published showed that if you’re spending more than 75% of your day alone, you’re much more likely to report feeling lonely. Both these studies relied on making audio recordings of people’s daily lives and listening in on when they were talking to other people. Based on these studies, it seems like you actually do want to spend more time around other people – physically, not just in cyberspace – to be satisfied with your life," Danvers concludes.
That's so hilarious! I've had that done. I would have laughed. Poor guy was probably embarrassed.
I would have *loved* this, really! I just went through some fairly rough "boob health" stuff (just awful really) and anything to make me laugh would be so welcome......
Same, that would have made me feel a lot better
Load More Replies...Everything that makes me laugh during a gynaecological examination is very welcome!
I have twins and I can relate. Remember going to the supermarket alone, pushing the shopping cart forward and backward and humming a song for little children.
I was at a party once, humming and rocking back and fourth, before I realised my mum was holding the baby.
Load More Replies...So how does it make you feel knowing this guy doesn't like your band?
Load More Replies...Oxford Dictionary, 2024's word of the year will be "Cobra Chicken" aka see goose, please XP
It makes a lot more sense in the original version, where the guy encountering the goose was Indian and might have actually been familiar with cobras. A dude from Mexico isn't going to describe a Canada goose --a very common species that overwinters in northern Mexico -- using a reptile from the other side of the planet.
My reading is that ths is a joke even though the story seems to suggest that he said so because he didn't know English. Could be that he didn't know the word, could equally well be he did but was too annoyed to call it a goose. And in this case, people from all continents can make jokes about cobra chickens
Load More Replies...my friend might be annoyed a goose got citizenship before she did.
Load More Replies...The angel Muriel's description makes me laugh. "You know, loud cross ducks."
I saw this on TV .He was on the phone nearly crying,telling his wife that they won again.
I'm just wondering. If this had happened in the USA, would those winnings cover his medical bill?
Ahhh in them 14 mins god gave him the keys to a happy ever after and may he cherish it
According to that study by Milek and her collaborators, the type of social interaction hardly matters. The important thing is that just being around people makes you happy. Alex says that it might seem slightly counterintuitive, yet it is true.
"You don’t need to be having deep conversations, you don’t need to be having witty banter, you don’t need to be 'out' to get the benefits of being around other people," the researcher explains. "It really is just about being in other people’s company, even if you’re just talking about what frozen pizza to make while you play video games."
Probably trying to stop OP making the same mistake they did!
Load More Replies...My wife was going to a Mother/Daughter thing with our eldest daughter who was in the 3rd grade at the time. The teacher greeted the couple ahead of them by saying "Oh, you've brought your grandmother, how nice". It was the child's mother...
I was a late baby All my childhood I remember saying ... she is my MOTHER NOT my grandmother. Back then women over 40 did not have healthy children
Load More Replies...We play a game in some of the trendy hot spots, Daughter or hooker. For context where I live there are some very wealthy people.
I was at the hospital with my mother a few years ago. She was 17 when I was born, and I probably look older then I am (this will be important later). The doctor came in the room, looked at me, and said "Are you her beau?" She has to be the only person who's used that word in the last 50 years.
He is indeed an ophthalmologist XD (...and a comedian, lol.) His real name is William Flanary.
Load More Replies...My ex-wife was four foot eleven blond and blue. I had the bald/goatee look. More than once got mistaken for daughter. Ex almost shanked a server when a child's menu was offered
Why did you mention her hair and eye color? What does that have to do with anything?
Load More Replies...When I met my friends I put my foot in my mouth and said something about her son. He was not. He was a husband- ex now.
Load More Replies...LOL! "Flesh chandelier" has been successfully added to my insult vernacular! Many thanks!
I was named after a chandelier (my name is Crystal), so this particular phrase and imagery makes me want to die a little XD
Load More Replies...Beautiful phrase. Here we would be worried about the budgies escaping from the smuggler.
Isn't he supposed to be wearing a cup? This happened to me sailing once. Gross! I'm
Anyone else think of that "friends" episode with Phoebe's boyfriend who would wear underwear
Smart bears? I remember a story my parents used to tell about camping in a national park, maybe in the 40s and they had just installed new inground garbage holes with large cast iron covers that were too heavy for the bears to open. They had a foot pedal for the tourist to open them. Well, it took one night for the bears to figure this out, and the cast iron covers kept the whole camp sight awake all night banging away. They went elsewhere the next night to get a good nights sleep.
I used to camp often at Yosemite in the fall and winter. You'd be amazed at all the people who left food out on the picnic tables, thinking the bears were all hibernating. They woke up to no breakfast.
I was there in the 70s during the great man/bear war. First folks banged pans together. Then metal dumpsters got put in the campgrounds. Then we had to use wire to shut them. If you backpacked you had to put your stuff up on a high slender tree branch or it would be gone in the morning
Danvers and his colleagues did make a quite interesting discovery in their 2023 study. "We do find a sort of 'tipping point' of 75% or more of your time alone starts to make you feel lonely. Below that, it doesn’t seem to matter as much. So if you hate socializing but still manage to be around people for more than four hours a day, you’re probably going to be OK, or at least not feel lonely," he says.
For clarification, I don't believe it was the bus driver who complained. It was some nosy as*hole woman who is apparently so racist, she applies it to dogs.
it was. i think the bus driver might've kicker HER off the bus.
Load More Replies...I know, right? What the heck? How far will this stupidity go?
Load More Replies...Everyone knows that there are 4 types of labs. Black, chocolate, yellow and meth.
Labradors actually come in three "standard" colors: black, chocolate (brown), and yellow! The expression of the gene that controls the amount of pheomelanin in a yellow lab means that a "yellow lab" could be any shade of "yellow" ranging from the lightest shade of cream to "copper red". Dilute genes do not exist in purebred labs, so a so-called "silver", "champagne", or "lilac" labrador is not a truly purebred labrador, as the dilute gene had to be introduced by outcrossing.
Since no one else has mentioned it.. Why the hell does it say $10/lb pork supplier at the top of the text messages?!
Obviously a cheap male prostitute. Only 10 bucks for a pork pounding. /j
Load More Replies...Mine was clowns coming out of my closet in the dark, but toilet snakes is a close second, now.
I do not know why you are hating on gay clowns but ok.
Load More Replies...Fun fact: a snake did come out of toilet and bit the flesh chandeliers of a man in south africa once. It took him about 30 minutes to break free.
Wow, that first person is really living in a bubble of like-minded people, if they actually think that that is every woman's nightmare.
It was some right-wing tool who said it; surprise!
Load More Replies...Tell me you've been to Australia without telling me you've been to Australia. I grew up in the middle of nowhere with a toilet down the back yard ... every visit was a potential adventure. That said, the snakes in the toilet can happen in houses too.
I live in Germany, we don't have toilet snakes - It's still a fear for me that I regularly think about.
Load More Replies...That is ok though. You make at least the kids and parents aware that not all dogs are equally pettable.
I always tell little kids my dog bites so they don't pat them, but I feel super s****y about it now.
Getting pets from strangers can be very scary for pups. Your job is to protect your pups, not please other people. Don't worry about it. I do the same thing.
Load More Replies...I had three cats: one who would go about his business no matter who was around, one who would be in a stranger's lap or around his neck five minutes after meeting him, and a third cat who would make strangers think I had two cats
I did the opposite. Friend came over and my cat flopped over in front of her demanding belly rubs, and she was like, "OMG" and I was like, "I'm glad you're enjoying this, but she does that to everyone" and she was like, "oh. I thought I was special." I mean, I'm sure you're lovely, I just have an attention addict cat
Alex says he himself is not immune to the struggle of going out and socializing. He has some advice for us other couch potatoes – try managing your expectations. "I have to remind myself too, that being around people usually feels better than you expect when you’re just sitting around on the couch at home.
"It can feel like a lot of effort to get out, but it tends to be energizing and mood-boosting once you actually do. So if you can get over the hump of getting out of the house – or getting on the phone and calling a friend to come over to binge-watch something – it’s usually worth it."
Persona no binaria or persona de género no binario. Easy
Load More Replies...It's the same in all languages that have grammatical gender. The fact that English doesn't have gendered nouns is actually an exception.
Not in French, because even though we have a gendered grammar, the adjective "binaire" is the same for a man or a woman. So is non-binaire.
Load More Replies...There is actually a movement to develop non-binary terminology for gendered languages, and Spanish is one of the ones where the effort is especially strong. I believe they're using -e instead of -o or-a endings? Haven't looked into it in a while.
Must take a lot of effort to overhaul an entire language.
Load More Replies...The amount of hate speech that appears whenever gender is mentioned makes me sad.
A Mexican friend of mine said there is a movement afoot to use the "E" ending for non-gendered nouns. e.g., binarie [by nar EE ay]
Kindergarten Cop: my fav-‘my dad looks at vaginas all day’ (OBGYN Doc)
My roommate's grandson (8 or 9) told his friend at school that "Nana was in prison." The school called her mother in and asked her to talk to the boy about lying. Great Nana said, "What do you want me to do? She is in prison."
wonder why the teacher assumed the kid was lying, especially these days...
Load More Replies...I was driving a school bus after a winter storm. The snow was wet and heavy which caused tree branches to bend. One branch hung very low in my lane and since there was no way to go around it I drove slowly so it would brush my windshield and the top of my bus as we passed. Just then one little kid yelled ' Cool! I'm going to tell my mom we hit a tree!'
My brother used to say "the f*****g troller" my mum would jump in with "he means the fat controller" you know from Thomas the tank engine
My son ran into a dining room in a restaurant to announce he wanted everyone's f***ing cookies. Took us a bit to figure out he meant fortune cookies.
A preschooler told me his father was released from prison. Another told me drunk father broke TV. This year 3 girls talked next to me, one said she wanted to share a family secret but the other girls couldn't tell anyone even if they stopped being friends. Fortunately they left before I heard the secret.
And the guy with the cocaine pizza narrowly avoided a panic attack.
I imagine giving him a treat in this situation would only serve to reinforce the pup's pizza perplexion.
So if you're smuggling drugs you should always carry pizza to confuse the dogs 🤔
What gets me is that drug dogs that were taught to sniff out cannabis had to be retrained in some US states to not sniff out cannabis.
Maybe they just relocate them to a more backward location...
Load More Replies...The word "treat" does not inherently mean food/a literal dog treat. "His treat" could be a moment of play with his toy, as you said, or it could be a scritch behind the ears, etc. We often say things like "That vacation was a treat!" It's not always literally edible.
Load More Replies...But what about socializing on the Internet, on social media? Doesn't that count? Danvers agrees with the idea that I offer – that people who might never want to go out can be very social online. "My take is that we have a fundamental human need to feel connected socially to other people," he reflects.
"Interacting with other people, whether in person or via text online, is rewarding and engaging. One of the major differences – online socializing can be a lot less cognitively demanding. It’s just easier to post on social media than it is to hold an actual conversation in person."
Omg. I love this. I recently moved to Italy as a teen and don't speak the language fluently yet, and I wish it was this easy, but high schoolers aren't as into karate 😩
Ahhh, if we all just practiced this technique the world would be a better place.
Yes, but did you order in an Ancient English dialect that is surprising to hear anyone speak these days?
Thou shalt not hath thy ice-creame. Ice-cream machine is brokene
Load More Replies...When I was in the AirForce in West Germany (yes, that was a while ago) I practiced until I was confident I could order my food at McDonald's in perfect German. First time I tried it the cashier returned with my order, gave me my change and said "thank you" to me in English. Clearly I wasn't fooling anyone.
That guy is great! I’ve seen loads of his videos on YouTube, he did one where the staff kept trying to talk to his friend who looked Chinese, but pretended to not be able to speak a word of Chinese, and he was translating everything for his friend. I love how shocked everyone always is.
xiaomanyc is his youtube name! it's fun to watch how many languages he actually speaks!
Load More Replies...I worked with lots of linguists who were good at simple translation & transcription. One girl with blue eyes, fair skin, & curly blonde hair was a Cambodian linguist. I was at one of the local Asian markets & saw her in with a group of Cambodian women just jabbering away like she grew up there.
yeah but this is special because we do not expect people in his demographic to speak anything BUT english, so that he can speak something else is in itself amazing. As the joke goes: what do you call someone who speaks only one language? American. Five languages here, south african.
Oop. I am a foreign exchanged student living with my best friend that moved from Poland, I went to the USA and went to live with them in Utah and we went to 'Cafe Rio' I think it's called and I am fluent in Polish (duh) and speak like a little bit of English and ordered perfectly and they gave me a free meal so idk I guess it depends on the place? I am fluent in English now and live here now so...
According to an interview with Henry cavill the nephew told the kids in school that his uncle was Superman and the teacher confronted his mum after school that "the school didn't condoned the kids telling lies" and the mum had to confirm that yes, actually he is. It was a hilarious story. Good thing he came with the receipts.
Load More Replies...Sadly it's a piece of internet glurge - Cavill has told a story that his nephew did get in trouble for claiming his uncle was superman after her got the part, but Cavill never went to his school with him, this picture is just from a day out Cavill had with his brother's family and is unrelated.
I understand the look on that kid's face. There is nothing in the world worse than being called a liar, when you are not. The teacher didn't realize it but she was actually bullying him. He's getting justification to him for his being bullied. Something similar happened to me when I was much younger and was going to a civilian School that wasn't particularly close to a military base. I shared a heroic story about my father, and the teacher said that that was untrue because "colored" soldiers were infantry and that she was sure that if my father was in the military he was a hero but he wouldn't have been in the position to tell his men anything. My dad and some of his fellow service members came to my school for show and tell. This was in 1973.
Only way that could have ben better is it he's have worn a "Spirit Halloween" Superman costume.
"What I think people often don’t appreciate," he goes on, "is how complicated and demanding social interaction really is. When you see a comment that doesn’t resonate with you online, or that seems too complicated to deal with, you can just skim or skip over it."
as it should be, if the dog (or cats but cats dont really care for anyone) dont like you, then we have a problem bud. edit: guys 3 cats own me. i am speaking from their experiences and many cat memes i have seen.
What's with the tenacious myth that cats don't like people? Most cats I know are cuddly little angels. They get stereotyped for showing autonomous thought.
Load More Replies...My rescue bit a guy I was dating so I broke it off. She knew, dogs always know.
To be fair, that's a bit tricky if it's a rescue. The dog of my sister was afraid of men because her ex-husband mistreated her (The dog). She would bark at any man and be very defensive, took some time till she learned to trust me and be happy when I show up
Load More Replies...oh yeah, if i ever brought a guy home and my dog didn't like him, the guy would be out of there. my dog likes everyone. so if he doesn't like someone, then there has to be something really wrong with them. also the dog comes first.
An acquaintance asked how come my shy dog doesn’t let him pet her, I said she’s just shy is all. Later my friend was petting her and said, “She lets me pet her, why won’t she let John Doe pet her.” I told him it was because she’s a good judge of character. He couldn’t stop laughing. 😂
I think with images and words, so when speaking it comes out as "I was thinking that if we remove..." *hands flailing around in shapes*
That is basically me, I am terrible at explaining or describing things
I have trouble expressing myself verbally. I can express myself better thru writing.
Yes, people trying to say it as exact as possible, gets stuck in a long sentence and gives up halfway through.
Load More Replies...Had a job once translating engineering jargon into clear language for the workers so they could build what the engineers really wanted.
I feel that breaking 3 out of 4 appendages from falling out of a bunk bed is excessively abnormal. Like looking into bone disorders abnormal.
Tell that to my back that gets thrown out from sneezing too hard
Load More Replies...My parents both cheated on eachother with eachothers siblings and now their divored and I live with my dad and aunt and mom and uncle
Three angels came to me while driving through a canyon in Colorado at 1am. They broke out of the sky making night become bright day and they hovered over my windshield staring at me and I at them. I pulled off the road. Then they backed up into the sky and it became dark night again. I thought I was going to die that night, but here I am, many years later.
They'd never believe you, leave you sitting there & stick you with the bill.
Socializing in the real world sometimes demands more confrontation. "In a real social interaction, if someone says something that doesn’t resonate with you or that challenges something you have been thinking about, then you can’t just skip it. Just going blank in a social situation doesn’t work; you need to actually find some way to respond," Alex adds.
If you take shooting, fencing, and sailing as your electives in MIT, they’ll officially reward you with a certificate in piracy
Hah I practically already have one of those! Oh wait you mean like the ocean-
Load More Replies...How can anyone resist a degree with such great and diverse employment potential.
Pavlov walks into a bar, orders a beer, and takes a sip. A bell rings, he bangs his fist on the bar, and exclaims, "Now I gotta go feed that fuc*ing dog!"
Every time my 5-month-old puppy goes pee, he will then run over to me at top speed, sit at my feet, and stare up at me with the very clear and obvious expectation of a treat. XD Teaching him "go bathroom!" worked TOO well XD
Which is why you don't house train pets using treats, but simply verbal praise
"It was an almost Pavlovian response. (footnote: A term invented by the wizard Denephew Boo, who had found that by a system of rewards and punishments he could train a dog, at the ringing of a bell, to eat a strawberry meringue.)" - Terry Pratchett, "Jingo"
Pretty much any Terry Pratchett reference is a good day.
Load More Replies...The dog I walk sits down and refuses to walk with me till I call her so she can get a treat. Still got a way to go with this reward thing.
"Uh-huh. Oh! What's that, buddy? Another school bus? Yeah, school just started so they're everywhere! Shhhh-shhh-shh! No, don't bark at the kids, they're harmless..."
Bc of this post, I now want to ask my blind bsf if she likes looking out the window
There’s also the element of timing in in-person social interactions. "People respond with different facial expressions, tone of voice, body posture, etc. It also doesn’t stop when you’re not the one talking," Alex observes.
"Conversation involves a lot of back-channeling while the other person is talking, which can really set the tone of the interaction." He gives some examples: doing things like saying "uh-huh" when someone is explaining, or nodding in agreement to a statement.
did anyone else read this comment with specific inflection?
Load More Replies...What is this 'we' you speak of? YOU can do all those things. Whereas *I* will be drinking wine, eating what I want and sleeping to 10am on *my* holiday. Thanks.
“You’ve won a free trip to a luxury hotel in a tropical paradise! You’ll be waking at 5am—“ “No, thank you. I’ll stay home and work.”
Ohhhhhh! I was kayaking once and a seal plopped up on the front, cute as can be. But, since I had been warned by officials (that I rented from) that it was a federal crime to touch/harass wildlife, I was frantically going "Shoo, shoo, oh aren't you cute, shoo, shoo!"
"MISTER J. NORTON YOU ARE UNDER ARREST FOR PETTING A SEAL, ANYTHING YOU SAY WILL BE USED AGAINST YOU AT COURT!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Load More Replies...It depends on their color - it’s only the navy ones that are dangerous.
That’s what I was going to say, no need to worry about the grey or brown ones!
Load More Replies...No, they're water doggos. Everyone knows they are water doggos XD
Load More Replies...In-person communication is harder because you have to get the timing and tone right. You also have to balance different types of verbal and nonverbal communication.
"Compared to real, in-person interaction, the kind of text-only interface of Reddit is really flat and simplified," Danvers tells us. "Just talking to someone in meatspace is a demanding task. I’d think of online socializing as sort of the 'lite' version," he concludes.
My SIL is in a nursing home and heavily medicated. Her son noticed a string of fast food purchases on her credit card, so he asked the station nurse if they ever take her out for food or snacks. No, of course not. Card was cancelled immediately. Some time later her diamond ring was stolen right off of her hand, and clothing “disappears” again and again. This sort of thing is pretty commonplace, but catching the thieves is not.
It's like in today's penalty system...the prisoners, who are now called residents, are NOT allowed to own the following → mobile phones, alcohol, drugs, weapons, weapon-like objects (deodorant + lighter = 🔥), but in the cells, booze is distilled from bread, everyone has a fully functional mobile phone, procuring drugs is no problem at all, a fluctuating barter trade has been established. ...many things are outsourced to external service providers, such as laundry, food supply, garbage collection......and this is exactly how the things of the »Earthly Delights« get in there...the times of nail files in crumble cakes are long time gone! 🙋🏽
Load More Replies...How people ruin careers over trivial but HIGH RISK actions blows my mind.
A snack might seem trivial but theft, safeguarding, financial abuse of a vulnerable person and serious professional misconduct are not.
Load More Replies...How did anyone notice? I know hospital vending machines cost more but still less than 7 to 10$?
From what little I remember she used it other places too and since the charges were after the death the family looked in to it.
Load More Replies...No telling jaw long she had to hold his hand until she could get a bite to eat.
What happens to the poor pugs if they accidentally nudge the mannequin and it collapses onto the ground, arms and head going hither and yon? Did anyone consider THAT?!
If I thought this would work I'd do it in a heartbeat so my little Sadie could be chill about my leaving.
Great idea. I should tell it to my neighbour with the damn nuisance dog which barks when he's at work !
I have separation anxiety too, when summer break started, i always pressed “Video Call” in my friend GC
I once wrote, "sexual favors" on the "For:" line of a check I sent to pay my doctor. At my next appointment, he and the nurse entered the exam room *with the check* in order to make it clear to me that they personally saw them (along with any jack-assery that I came up with) and that they weren't amused... 🫣😱
Jesus, you think?? How unbelievably inappropriate can you be?
Load More Replies...No, they’ve been calling him that amongst themselves for 8 years and he just found out about it.
Load More Replies...One of my friends sent out cards to each of our mutual friends before their child was born, asking what they would like the baby to call them. One of my friend's husbands chose Your Majesty :)
‘What would you like to be called?” “Your Local Weeb” *At the dentist* “Please tell the dentist that Your Local Weeb is here”
Worked for the county. Full waiting room. They'd announce the next client called. Overhead PA booms out: F*k Kwok! F*k Kwok! Room busts up. I meet the family. Wife's name is Duk. Almost had a stroke holding it together.
What Alex says next really sticks with me as a chronically online person: "That may be nice to do when you’re feeling tired or burnt out, but it’s also not going to give you the full experience of connecting with another person. To have really satisfying connections, you do need to put in the effort of navigating the more complicated world of in-person interactions."
Although it's not nearly as hilarious, I used to have a cat named Wintressia. (Pronounced "win-tress-ee-uh". In my defense, I was 16 when I named her.) Every time I took her for a vet appt, the techs would struggle with her name. After a while, I was like, "Win. Her name is Win." XD Now, I only have to deal with telling the new staff members that BOTH of my dogs are named after characters from the book Dune. Fortunately, thanks to the 2021 movie adaptation, I don't have to explain why my favorite book is a scifi novel written in 1965. I'm a nerd. I'm sorry. XD
Wintressia, 1998 - 2018. Absolutely gorgeous, and my best friend. <3 DahGcpGU0A...6385b8.jpg
After our dear Mitzy (whom I was the one to name), passed away. So, my mom found a cute puppy and it was her time to choose the name. I’m having to figure how to put my last name out there without saying it. Say you were in a ROW boat and you accidentally hit your KNEE. I will print said words for you to say I tell you the dog’s name full name. Here goes! First name is Pepper. Last name is pronounced ROW/KNEE. Now put those three words together and say them fast. At the vets, when they would call her name to go to the exam room they called out for “Pepperoni”. Or it at least sounded like they were. Oh my mother dear 🥰 I miss your humour most of all.
I work in vet med, and by far my favorite name was Dr. Baby Giggles, PHD. Don't be embarrassed to give your pets comical names!
My mom's dog is named Casserole. Hearing a tech call his name in the lobby and watching everyone's face will never stop being hilarious
The vet seems exhausted with my dog's names. Echidna, Molag Bal, Mehrunes Dagon, Killjoy, Ludac.
That's okay. I once had a cat (1994-2018 😥) named after the Lord of the Rings character Eowyn. Until the movie came out, nobody could pronounce her name.
Captain Jack for a one eyed barn owl. Yes, we take him to the vet too.
My Dad called a couple of our cats " Ponchielli " and " Boccherini " ... he was into Classical music !
I really hope it was not in 'Shark Tank'.. /s (Also hope they all were OK!)
Load More Replies...‘AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE FOR ME?!’ ‘I punched a f***ing shark for you’
If a shark can cause chaos in Texas, and not just Florida, that doesn’t bode too well for future Florida and Texas People.
At least you didn't go, "HO, HEYYY, HO, HIP-HOP HOORAY..." and completely date yourself.
That would have been my immediate go-to response. Complete with arm wave. *facepalm* It's impossible NOT to once you've got it in your head.
Load More Replies...My partner of 11 yrs is an executive account manager and I'm very organic, artsy and a hairstylist. So once I saw something online, walked into his office full force singing in soprano which doesn't sound like soprano at all. I stopped, saw him talking and then heard someone say "what the hell?" Now he has a do not disturb sign for me 😟
Now I am asking Pandaverse: Anybody wanna come and take a Ride Wit Me? We be 3-wheelin in the fo' with the gold D's. Oh why do we live this way?
I'm afraid that reference is very dated these days as as well. How time flies...
No lie, I'm currently sitting in my car smoking and as I'm reading the comments this song comes on the radio in my car.. I took a picture but idk how to add a pic on BP??
Whatever happened to Nelly? He was all the s**t back in the 00s and then poof he's gone
Love the things kids say. Orderd a pizza one evening (my daughter had just started potty training) she proudly ran to the door lifted up her dress & said to the delivery guy 'I have new paw patrol panties". He was silent for a moment and then awkwardly said "umm nice". When he left I explained to my daughter while we know she's excited about her big girl panties she can't run around showing them to people.
Apart from holidays, this must be why people choose to teach primary school.
I am either getting old - or working hard to be more innocent. It honestly took me 30 seconds to get the joke - and I used to play the game - facepalm
Game? My mind totally went elsewhere. What game, please?
Load More Replies...Honey mustard sauce, curry sauce, smoked chicken breast, salad, onions, bacon, tomatoes and pineapple. Now you can start the hate
I don't want to take the discussion off on a tangent here, but Mr. Woodman, would you cosine a loan for me?
Poaching + shared memories = appropriate aggression
Load More Replies...Awww just look at those big earsand butter wouldnt melt look compared to other one whose sibling has kept him up for 4 nights straight
And that's why I couldn't work in such job, I would've burst out in laughter
Just a note for anyone who finds that's in that situation for the first time: clarify what the word was. A young kid came up to me saying they're friend said the f-word. I went full into discussion/consequences for cussing in school. Kid got really upset: "I'm sorry. I didn't know fart was a swear word!" The s-word can also be stupid or shut up.
In preschool my son once slapped another student and called him a d*uchebag for destroying the train tracks he was building. Teacher had a hard time keeping a straight face while she told me about it. Swear I have no idea where he heard those words.
Uh, yeah? Kindergarten students. Do you not know what Kindergarten is?
Load More Replies...Kids, dont look out through the windows! It is blowing PG-13 winds today!
Damnit, I spilled water all over myself from laughing so hard >:(
Load More Replies...Imagine if BP starts censoring very bad weather as well. Oh no, it is r**ning c*ts and d*gs.
Tornado = [Twisty wind], Thunderstorm = [shiny boom], Rain = [water fallings] - I would keep on but the laughter would [unalive] me
Load More Replies...I am sure it is so that climate change denying republicans do not get triggered.
Gonna nod off to some "it's not you, it's me" now. Maybe a little "this isn't woking."
It's worse than that. Whale songs are pick-up lines. You're falling asleep to pick-up lines.
I feel so sorry for that whale that sings in the wrong pitch.
He found someone that sings in the same frequency not too long ago! Happy news!
Load More Replies...Oh shoot, now you tell me. Both my kids were born to the sound of whales. Explains a lot.
so mean tho... imagine u were the mom or whoever this person is. i'll admit tho, i doubled over in laughter. i needed that
Load More Replies...why would the person who has your child not have your phone number saved (edit: typo)
Maybe a new phone or spare phone, number not saved yet, or maybe a new babysitter.
Load More Replies...But seriously, the improvement when a patient receives blood is incredible. They look like death, then suddenly return to life with pink cheeks.
Donated blood saved my son's life. More than once.
Load More Replies..."No hemo" as in hemoglobin (blood) instead of "no homo." No homo (as in homosexual) is used by heterosexual men when doing something they deem gay.
Load More Replies...To be honest, I also hate too much PDA. Kissing in public is frowned upon here where I live. I don't care whether they are men, women, trans or whatever.
Same here. I'm not against 'normal' kissing or warm hugs, but the obnoxious smooching and grabbing each other in public can stop please. And I tell everyone who claims I should just look away to touch grass. There are things that simply shouldn't happen in public. Smooching that borders on sexual acts is one of them. Full stop.
Load More Replies...Polite kissing is fine but I don’t want to see any tongue in public.
People started worrying about same-sex kisses on TV a few years ago, and I kept thinking what difference does it make? I always felt uncomfortable watching a man and a woman kiss, now suddenly you want to censor it or put it on after the watershed because it's 2 men or 2 women.
If more women would kiss in public the world would bet a better place.
Where are the images of the husband all fuc*ed up from wrestling the cat into that thing? There should be blood EVERYWHERE!
its an orange cat. they dont care. chaos is acceptable to them.
Load More Replies...Don't even think about it. *washes her murder mittens*
Load More Replies...I need to ask - is this item practical - or is it just for kink?
Where's the rest of the shirt...? Or does that harness thing attach to existing shirts...?
So happy you posted the pic of the harnesses actual use. Mad me all gooy, inside.
A librarian from birth? That's how you get 20+ years working experience those jobs ask for entry positions.
Some of us are born librarians. Anyone named Dewey, Elsie, or Enellem has a head start.
Load More Replies...I don't know what I love more, "she had no horses but thought she did," or "she sang like a bird and looked like a bird and Brenda was a bird." Heartwarming.
I'm quite fond of "In lieu of flowers, send Brenda more life." XD
Load More Replies...I’ve seen this picture many times before and I just noticed that she has an extra pair of eyes
IM S******G BRICKS RIGHT NOW 😂 IM SORRY I KNOW I SHOULDNT LAUGH BUT PLEASE 😭 SEND HELP 😭
Reminds me of a few years ago when my son read AI-generated recipes while I was cooking Thanksgiving dinner. The best recipe called for "10 cubes of water, lightly sauteed".
Ah, christ! I had JUST changed into dry panties when I saw this, and now I hafta change again ! I hate you! (I spose I should prolly go to the bathroom before changing again; my fault, I spose. Pardon me.)
Load More Replies...I find Brenda to be a kindred spirit. I have no money, but I think I do...
I think this is on him for leaving out the word "are". The letters left are: s, y, n, w, l, d!, o. She needs the r she already used to make it work.
Laughed so hard my asthma kicked in. My family enjoyed making me laugh like that and then playing keep a way with my inhaler. They loved me, right???
Kaspersky bans things so weirdly. I couldn't even search up about my period
Oooooh. Scawy, scawy periods and vaginas!!! I hope you found the information you were looking for <3
Load More Replies...Yes, it is a forbidden knowledge. If they learn how to read, they will become self-aware and cause a crab uprising. I don't want a crab overlord, as crabs are just too delicious for that.
I for one welcome our new crustacean overlords.
Load More Replies...The crabs will soon learn what happens when they get the sauna pool treatment and start fighting back! Ah c*r*a*p! XP
Are we just not gonna talk about how the kids name is “Stairdrac the Netherwatcher”???
I was going to bring it up but, Kaspersky wouldn't let me...
Load More Replies...The crab wars were so bad that it was agreed to lobotomise the crabs (they lost) and the human race were to not to record anything about it and never talk about it lest it happen again. This is why you never give crabs knowledge
CRAAB PEOPLE https://www.southparkstudios.com/video-clips/guqeh7/south-park-crab-people
If the kid's screen name is "Stairdrac The Netherwatcher", he can search whatever he wants.
Me attempting to complete Step 1 above is how I started my struggle with drug addiction, sadly. Don't do drugs, everyone. NOT worth it XD
Load More Replies...It may be too late for this dude, however by being positive you can alter your thoughts so tone happier. Up to you.
I deleted my thoughts re: my first response, because the thought police would arrest me for having thoughts
First. I have this hat. My mom lost all her hair during cancer treatment. This hat was on her Christmas wish list, and I bought it for her. She loved it. She wore it in the hospital when things were getting rough. She did die, and the family made sure to give me that hat back. Sometimes I think I'm going to wear it to remember mom, but I usually just take it out and hold it, and think of her.
Well that's..sad. I lost my grandmother, dad and found my mother dead in bed all within 6 months. Humor helps.
Load More Replies...Grandma has a whole new side gig. More cash for the commissary at the home.
Sales plummeted in 2002 seems people had little desire to have another tower fall....
I used to unload trucks at a retail warehouse. One Christmas season I was unloading and a wall of toys fell on me when i removed the wrong box. It was all cases of Jenga. I couldn't even be upset.
"Bottom class"? Well. yes, I suppose those people are very willing to be taught..
I remember being at the circus when I was a very little girl, I think on a school field trip, because I think I was sitting with a bunch of other kids. Anyway, the elephants came out, and one of them pooped, and the smell went through the whole arena in a wave. We were all giggling and squealing "Ewwww!!" Lol.
Load More Replies...My dad does this every single time I text him. He thinks it’s totally normal
we ( parents) keep hearing how bad we screwed up. I like telling my son how proud of him I am and how much I love him ( I did not hear it enough from my parents)
Load More Replies...This is similar to how I found out I was adopted, actually XD I was snooping around in my parents' rolltop desk when I was 7 and found a Polaroid photo of a woman holding a baby. Written on the bottom was "Rose and Crystal, 1982". I was like "wait........... MY name is Crystal. Wait, *I* was born in 1982! But WHO IS ROSE???" I ran to my mom with the photo and asked "Hey Mom, who's Rose?" XD Turns out Rose is my biological mother and that was the only photo taken of us together, as I was adopted at birth.
My mom decided she was adopted when she was 11. She went to city hall and asked to see her birth certificate. She wasn't adopted.
Load More Replies...THAT explains those odd photos I found after my Dad forgot to lock the attic door that time!
My Son (a bit older) told me to be careful - he was the one to pick out my sanitarium. Now he is at the point where it is - do I want an amazon box - or should he go fancy and get corrugated cardboard? ( he loves me so much - LOL)
I won't watch him. It is totally formulaic. Always, "this is the worst thing I have ever tasted" followed by "I fixed it!" Just an A**hole, like John Taffer on Bar Rescue
Apparently the guy from Restaurant: Impossible is a huge jerk. He seems so nice on the show :(
Load More Replies...I hate that a*****e and don't know why people like him. He's a screaming abusive bully.
Look, I don't watch his shows, but I'm like 99% sure that the Gordon Ramsey everyone thinks of is more of a character than his actual self. I've seen him on other things, like his daughter's shows and all that sorta stuff, and he's actually a decent bloke.
Load More Replies...^ It's a reference to a Dolly Parton song that goes "Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, I'm begging of you, please don't take my man" XD
Yes, and it helps fund her Imagination Library which sends every child a book a month from birth until age 5. 👶 💙 📚
Load More Replies...At what school do they sit somebody down with old test results to recalculate??
Someone with a grudge they've carried all through their own secondary education for becoming school administration :p
Load More Replies...I have nightmares about this same situation, but I was top in my class and graduated 25 years ago. Not sure why my subconscious mind wants to worry about this.
Me too. All the time. I graduated from high school 30 years ago!
Load More Replies...I had a friend who moved to a new school and they wouldn't let her be valedictorian because she was "new" so she stopped going to school, arguing she already had her scholarship, which she used to get a degree and didn't care she never got a diploma.
That's what I don't really understand about American schooling, you get college acceptances before actually graduating? What's the point of going through to the end of the year? In Australia (or at least my state) we do our end of year exams and get our school certificate and leave school, then we wait about 1-2 months for our results to come out. Then a month or more after that (while still n summer holidays) we get our university offers.
Load More Replies...Back in the 1970's I failed the constitution test. I was told I would not be able to go on to High school and would have to repeat a grade... I was terrified - but it was never mentioned again. Not in High School Nor in College. wonder if they are going to come after me now?
same, who does not want a dog that will make accidents?
Load More Replies...Bruh, I couldn't do it while stone-cold sober XD I'm clumsy af.
Load More Replies...I'd have to scrooch down on my butt. Clinging to the bannisters. Weeping loudly.
Wait how is the first post in December and the second's in November, I'm confused
different time zones, perhaps different planets
Load More Replies...No need to force her to any color. Open a chess app, choose the same color as her and play the computers move to her while you play hers to the computer.
The point is that white always goes first, so she has to be white in order for it to work (she has to go first so the computer is playing the same game)
Load More Replies...I once ordered something from china. I firmly believe that the reason it never showed up was that it must have similarly fallen into the ocean (along with who knows how many other cargo containers of stuff, I suppose) ... they sent me a replacement that arrived about 10 days later, though.... even though china isn't far from me (in japan) that might be too quick for a sea voyage... but I can't think of any other explanation that makes any sense.. it wasn't a valuable package.
Load More Replies...It was not a rare occurance. There were a quite a few cases of shipping containers fell off container ships during heavy storms.
It's not even rare that this happens, statistically 4 cargo containers get lost on sea per day
Load More Replies...FedEx: We know where your package is, but we're not going to tell you!
I kinda hate this post whenever I see it. What does any of this have to do with feminism? Is what she's trying to say that he just wants an old fashioned dude, or that she's just too lazy both for paying and finding a better suiting word? Also, stop expecting others would pay for you, we are all adults and not ticks.
I think she thinks that feminists believe women are Strong™ and Independent™ and Don't Need No Man To Pay For Their Meals™. So, she was hoping that the guy WASN'T a "feminist", because she was too poor to pay for her OWN meal. So yes, she wanted him to pay for her meal.
Load More Replies...The boy, on the other hand, looks like he has all the confidence and self esteem that Hart apparently lacks.
Load More Replies...f*g (or fach in German, or Vak in lowlands dialects), means topic or subject. So it literally means data subject.
Dutch ..., which is no dialect but the language spoken in the Netherlands. Same in Flemish, language spoken in the northern part of Belgium. Maybe you mean the local dialects of northwestern Germany?
Load More Replies...Me, having 99 potions, 99 ethers, 99 phoenix downs, and 99 elixirs before the final boss, in case I need them, and proceeding to use none in the final fight.
Me at age 41 after playing video games for my entire life: Eff this. I don't want to work this hard any more. I just want to enjoy playing. ::downloads Cheat Engine:: XD
Load More Replies...I have been playing a game for about three years. A year or so ago they added a reward system, where you got certain things for playing for however many days in a row. Only yesterday did I even work out how to redeem/use those rewards! One I had 97 of! Still only using them on the levels I hadn't been able to get top score on.
Common Resident Evil knowledge: You save all your 60 magnum bullets in case there's an after credit bossfight and not for the actual bossfight
Not sure why you got downvoted. That's pretty clever; I hadn't even noticed OP's name XD
Load More Replies...IIRC she made a joke about how "Feel good stories" on Linkedin look like
Load More Replies...that is not vin diesel- THAT IS NOT VIN DIESEL *CONFUSED SCREAMING*
It's apparently from a 2006 movie called "Find Me Guilty". I don't want to live in reality any more 😭
Load More Replies...Okay maybe I don't know slang but I'm very confused. Can someone please explain?
bread is slang for money, so it means "let's get this money" but it's also just used as an encouraging phrase.
Load More Replies...yes 95 is a great number becuase 9x5=45 and 4+5= 9😍😎🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩 and 9 is the best number
Do people actually like jokes about 9/11? I’ve heard kids at school make jokes about it but I thought it was just because they seem to like making f****d up jokes
I'll bite the bullet and admit I do like them. But not because I find some glee in people's deaths. The funny part is the American hypocrisy - they treat it as the biggest tragedy in the mankind's history, use it as an excuse to push extreme nationalism, invade people's privacy and terrorize the Middle East, all while there are much worse atrocities happening every single day, many of them perpetrated by Americans themselves. During covid, the 9/11 deaths happened every single day, but nobody gave a damn and the government did nothing to prevent them.
Load More Replies...I googled. Unreal. The movie wasn't making fun of the bomb. It's a historical fact. There have been PLENTY of 9/11 movies and jokes, that for those of use who survived it and lost people, cause massive pain. But I can't imagine turning around and poking fun at the most painful thing in the life of the director or whatever. This is gross. Shame on Japan (and no, I know not every Japanese person supported this. But it's disgusting).
Load More Replies...Go find The Onion from right after 9/11. Absolutely brilliant - funny while being completely in tune with all that had happened. I think it was nominated for a Pulitzer, but couldn't win because it wasn't actually journalism. But absolutely amazing.
Yeah Mike, these were great...inappropriate but i laughed my a s s off.....also, I saw most of them for the first time...🙋🏽
Load More Replies...I hate this modern mis-use of the term "antisocial". "Anti" in antisocial means you're against society. And it is related to Antisocial Personality Disorder, which lay people call sociopaths. If you are an introvert, you aren't necessarily antisocial (nor does it mean you don't like people, that you are quiet, that you are shy, or have social anxiety). I think the term they are looking for is "unsociable".
My grandson B was playing with a friend he was about 4. Friend came and told dad said a bad word. I didn't say a bad word I said I'll kick your AZZ. Wonder where he learned that.
Yeah Mike, these were great...inappropriate but i laughed my a s s off.....also, I saw most of them for the first time...🙋🏽
Load More Replies...I hate this modern mis-use of the term "antisocial". "Anti" in antisocial means you're against society. And it is related to Antisocial Personality Disorder, which lay people call sociopaths. If you are an introvert, you aren't necessarily antisocial (nor does it mean you don't like people, that you are quiet, that you are shy, or have social anxiety). I think the term they are looking for is "unsociable".
My grandson B was playing with a friend he was about 4. Friend came and told dad said a bad word. I didn't say a bad word I said I'll kick your AZZ. Wonder where he learned that.
