Teen Struggles To Handle The Pressure After Family Demands She Shave Her Head For Aunt
Interview With Expert
My entire life, red hair has been a defining part of my identity. Strangers want to know if it’s natural, hair stylists make me promise that I’ll never dye it another color, and according to my mother, people often asked if they could touch it when I was a baby. But regardless of what color or texture of hair you have, it’s natural to become emotionally attached to it.
That’s why one teen became extremely upset when her mother suggested that she chop off all of her gorgeous locks and donate them to her aunt who has cancer. Below, you’ll find the full story that was posted on the “Am I the [Jerk]?” subreddit, as well as conversations with Suzanne Chimera, Co-Founder of Hair We Share, and Martino Cartier, Founder and CEO of Wigs and Wishes!
This teen takes pride in her long, healthy hair
Image credits: Gabriel / unsplash (not the actual photo)
But now, her family is pressuring her to chop it all off to create a wig for her aunt
Image credits: Enzo Tommasi / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Amir Esrafili / unsplash (not the actual photo)
The teen also added some clarifying details later
Image credits: donatehairthrowaway
Hair can be a major part of a person’s identity
We all know that hair grows back (well, usually), but that doesn’t stop us from becoming very emotional about it. Have you ever cried after getting a bad haircut? (Guilty.) Or chopped off your locks after a dramatic life change? (Also guilty.) For many of us, hair is inherently linked to our identities, and we use it to express how we’re feeling in that moment or season of life.
Because we’re so attached to our hair, it’s no surprise that hair loss, especially when unexpected, can bring a host of psychological effects. DermNet reports that hair loss can cause intense emotional suffering, anxiety, depression, social phobia or even a paranoid disorder. So it’s understandable that those who lose their hair due to health issues or chemo might be interested in getting a wig.
To find out more about the process required to create a wig out of human hair, we reached out to Suzanne Chimera, Co-Founder of Hair We Share, who was kind enough to have a chat with Bored Panda.
Suzanne shared that a minimum of 8 inches of hair is needed to create a wig. “The reason is that the hair is folded (by at least 4″) to be sewn. It takes about 5 hair donors to make one wig,” she explained. “The hair is put through a ‘hackle,’ it’s basically a bed of nails that the hair is whipped through, the weaker hairs break off and we are left with only the strongest, best quality hair. This will help the wig to last longer.”
“Normally it takes about 2 months to complete one wig,” Suzanne added. “Because we have received an enormous amount of donations since the start of the pandemic, our production line is currently backed up by 2 years.”
“There are no words to describe the joy you see on a woman’s face when she is gifted a wig when facing cancer”
Image credits: Karolina Grabowska / pexels (not the actual photo)
We were also lucky enough to get in touch with Martino Cartier, Founder and CEO of Wigs and Wishes, to hear his thoughts on the topic. “It takes more than one hair donation if someone is just donating ponytails to make a wig,” he shared. “It takes a number of them, and it takes many weeks to make them.”
And there’s no question that a wig can have a huge impact on a cancer patient. Suzanne says that often one of the first questions people ask when diagnosed with cancer is, “will I lose my hair?”
“Our hair is our identity. It is often the first thing other people will identify us with,” she told Bored Panda. “When going through cancer treatment, most people don’t want sympathy. They want to go about their life without people staring.”
“I have been to funerals where the deceased is wearing the wig we provided them. I have had mothers thank me in front of their children’s coffin, telling me how the wig made them feel whole,” Suzanne shared. “We have provided wigs to people who are in hospice, even at the end-of-life people want to feel like they look like themself, not only for themself but for their family.”
Martino also says that the impact of providing nearly 25,000 free wigs every year is immeasurable. “You’re giving them their freedom and dignity back,” he shared. “We have a quote: ‘looking cancer free for free.’ There are no words to describe the joy you see on a woman’s face when she is gifted a wig when facing cancer.”
We were also curious if it’s actually necessary for someone to chop off their hair, so an ill loved one could have a wig. “There is never a reason to sacrifice your hair if you don’t want to,” Suzanne says. “We have seen teens and children in tears over their hair cut because someone told them ‘cut a few inches more and you can donate it!’ making them feel pressured.”
“A hair donation should come from the donor and not be anyone else’s decision,” she continued. “We have no shortage of hair donations and thousands of wigs within our inventory, and most times can deliver one within a few days. There are wig shops in every community and plenty of websites to purchase a wig from.”
“A hair donation should come from the donor and not be anyone else’s decision”
Martino also noted that synthetic wigs have come a long way in terms of quality. “Wigs of today are not the wigs of yesterday. Today, you can get a heat-friendly (meaning it can be curled, flat ironed and heat-styled) synthetic wig that’s much cooler, lighter, and sometimes even more natural looking than a human hair wig,” he explained.
“They are completely see-through so that you can see the patient’s scalp right through the wig, making them undetectable,” Martino continued. “If you or someone you know is battling cancer, go to wigsandwishes.org. We provide free wigs and accept donations for those wigs, so we can continue to provide them to women all across the United States. We also wish for children battling this horrible disease.”
Suzanne shared with Bored Panda that Hair We Share’s number one request is someone looking to have their hair made into a wig for a specific person, but this isn’t realistic. “We do not do this for cancer patients. It takes too long to produce the wig, and we don’t like to make our recipients wait,” she explained.
“Often the person wanting to do this is because they don’t know what else to do for their loved one, they feel giving a piece of themself is the ultimate gesture (and it is an amazing gesture),” she explained.
“It’s similar to what happened during Covid. At the beginning of the pandemic, we had a flood of inquiries in regard to donating hair. I think it is human nature to want to help others. People were at home, unable to go out for haircuts, and as their hair grew, they realized they could donate it and help others,” Suzanne continued.
But the manufacturing process is tedious and costly. “Although we give wigs free of charge, it does not mean they are actually free,” the expert says. “Monetary donations are more important to our program than hair. We have an ongoing phrase we use in our office ‘there is no magical unicorn that flies through and turns the hair into a wig.’”
Later, the teen responded to a few questions from readers and provided more background information
Many readers assured her that she had every right to keep her hair
However, some thought the teen was selfish for refusing to donate her locks
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The people who are saying she is TAH should volunteer to shave their head to donate to the aunt.
Indeed, what fücking pretentious bastards. I myself have 1.20m long hair and I can tell you that hella no, this doesn't just grow back in no time. It takes roughly 10+ years to grow your hair that long (at least with the hair growth speed I have) and I regard my hair as a part of my personality. People asking me if I don't want to cut it off (or just randomly donate it for a good cause or whatever, I've heard both) could just as well be asking if they want to cut off my nose instead. I can personally feel this girl and what she's going through, even though I don't have a relative with cancer or any problems to speak up for myself and go against the grain. I hope she manages to speak up to her, and that in a way that everyone, aunt included, hears her saying that her mother is trying to manipulate her into donating. This is so scummy.
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So the teen gets told that her hair will grow back but no one is telling the aunt that her hair will eventually grow back.
The people saying that are also saying the aunt may never get to see her hair grow back. But, yeah, I agree. As much as it sucks to get cancer, you don't demand someone to give you pieces of themselves so you'll feel better about yourself. Especially when it's something that's not going to take the cancer away.
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I found the update, and unfortunately, she did not keep her hair https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1ccik87/aita_for_refusing_to_donate_my_hair_to_my_aunt/
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What also makes me mad is how the wig maker also took advantage of her. She didn't need to cut off that much to make a shorter wig. Also, why should she have to give up her hair so someone else has hair?! (What's worse: aunt had lung cancer and kept smoking!)
In order to double material so they have enough hair for coverage they'll cut strands in half. It rarely takes only one donation to make a full shoulder length wig without splitting it for a wig the length she is describing. Long wigs are usually mix and match, coloring is often applied after assembly to even out the color
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I do hope all the people saying YTA are rushing to book appts to donate their own hair.
I don't like that "I'm sick. Give me what I want." mentality. If she desires hair so much, she can get a synthetic wig. The way she's being super picky to the point of targeting the OP is creepy. The mom is being creepy, too. I can also sense how disconnected OP feels with her adopted family and how much she feels like a ... almost like a pet, with the way the family touches her hair and goes about her appearance and don't give her a chance to speak up. But I do agree that OP needs to find her voice and advocate for herself because it will never end.
Cancer or no cancer, the aunt (and the rest of the family) have less than zero right to tell this child what to do with her hair. Bodily autonomy should be held as absolutely sacred. It doesn't matter if it's her aunt's dying wish. Her body-and everything attached to it-are the girl's choice to do with as she pleases.
This is the part that pisses me off the most. This situation is just an extension of the idea that women are obligated to give of their bodies, even when they don't want to. It's bull$hit!
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Wait, buying a wig is too expensive but having one custom made isn't? Weird. There are really great realistic synthetic options which are styleable, come in red, and reasonably priced.
Aunt was probably just jealous of OP and wanted what she had. It sounds like the family hasn't really cared for OP's opinion or feelings in any previous matters either, and OP blames her own personality for it
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The wig maker should have rejected cutting it when he/she noticed the distress of the OP
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That's a weird fixation that family has with red hair. Everything about this is bizarre, given the incredible range of wigs available.
I don't understand why anyone thinks she's the a*****e. There were other people right there at the dinner table, the "mother" didn't offer up her biological daughters hair to be used but chose to offer up her adopted daughter's hair to be cut off and made into a wig. If you ask me, I'll say that's jealousy. They're jealous of her and have been plotting to do this to her. They knew she wouldn't say anything being put on blast like that in front of the entire family. This is wrong. I don't care if her hair sweeps the floor like a wedding dress, it's her hair and she doesn't have to cut it for anyone
A disease does not give you the right to demand other people's body parts. The face that you adopt someone does not mean that you can use them for spare parts or sit around touching their hair.
I went through and read the reddit post and I feel so sorry for OP she succumbed to peer pressure so to speak and cut her hair. Her "mom" should be ashamed of herself forcing her to cut her hair to make her aunt happy. Seriously how can you say that you love someone and yet force them to do something they don't want to do? Seriously this post enraged me and I hope that her mother goes bald that would be perfecr karma for her!
It's actually not peer pressure. Mom and Aunt are not her peers. It's MUCH worse. They are persons in a position of authority over her, and used that authority to manipulate and abuse her. Much like a boss coercing an employee into a sexual relationship - "Comply to my demands and surrender your body to me, or I'll make you suffer." It's the same kind of abuse.They felt entitled to use her body as they saw fit, and used their power over her to accomplish it.
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It's just hair. Sure, it's just that girl's hair. Maybe ask the kid if she's willing to donate? Nice message they're sending her. I guess when her boyfriend rapes her, it's okay. After all, it's just sex. She shouldn't be so selfish. Why don't people think? I liked the comment that offered the girl other ways to help. Also, everything else not withstanding, teens really have the need to fit in with their peers, more than any other age group (generally speaking). They need to feel comfortable in their bodies and with their friends as they start seriously practicing the social and living skills they need to be successful adults.
This is like I would offer my sister's womb for surrogacy to my friends and expecting my sister to go along with it without protest. This is harrassement. The girl should call CPS.
Absolutely not the AH. She's not even close to her Aunt, and it's only letting the Aunt down because the mother way a massive AH and suggested it in front of her putting this poor kid on the spot. I feel bad for them for this, and how it comes across that they clearly get steamrolled by the family. The mum could have asked her privately and then the Aunt never would have gotten expectations up. Also you can buy human hair wigs or really high quality synthetic wigs, absolutely no need to bully a teenager into shaving her head
Wanted a natural wig ? Ok. Throwing a tantrum because you want RED HAIR is NOT! I don't give a flying fuckety F*CK about your cancer! Worse, weaponazing your disease like that is a bloody INSULT to all cancer survivors! How do we kick a*s through the internet? Where the punch button for the aunt? Wanna bet the aunt was just jealous of op's hair and wanted to humiliate her ? Scuse me I need to get some fresh hair and maybe scream at the moon.
Just pointing out something... the aunt's requirements for the wig are oddly specific, huh? Has to be real human hair, has to be red... it's almost like she had her eye on the niece's hair all along. Also, if every person pressuring OP into donating her hair chipped in with 50-100 bucks - the aunt included - the aunt would already have her wig.
Well said. It is very creepy, sounds like she resents her niece for her hair.
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bro, this is borderline child abuse, like idfc if the aunt has cancer, this girl loves her hair, let her have it an f***k off, hope to god she never shaves it, it's so pretty
It's not borderline abuse - it IS abuse. Mom and Aunt are persons in a position of authority over her, and used that authority to manipulate and abuse her. Much like a boss coercing an employee into a sexual relationship - "Comply to my demands and surrender your body to me, or I'll make you suffer." It's the same kind of abuse.They felt entitled to use her body as they saw fit, and used their power over her to accomplish it.
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I honestly can't finish these stories because the anxiety I feel. As a child into early adulthood, I was never allowed to say "NO".
Studies shows that as adopted children... they often have difficulty in saying no and stand up for them self! That makes the mother a greater AH
Any adult calling a teenaged girl an AH for not wanting to cut her hair down to the scalp should be sterilized because they're effing psychotic.
I'd sleep with one eye open, I wouldn't put it past your demented, entitled mother to cut your hair off while you were asleep. Also, be prepared to be 'volunteered' for any organ donations that might be required.
Luckily, being adopted, she's less likely to be a tissue match than blood relatives. I wish I wasn't serious but this passed through my mind too when I read this.
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Huge NTA . She didn't consent to donating her hair. Her adopted mother did this and is TA. She is completely entitled to keep her hair and she owes nothing to no one. Maybe mom and family should donate their hair. Keep,your hair OP !
this makes me so mad, this is abuse of a minor, next time they volunteer her for a lung, kidney, maybe some skin grafts, and as OP said, the aunt keep smoking anyway... so i hope the aunt burn the wig, she deserve it.
I thought the same but luckily, being adopted, she's much less likely to be a tissue match. Horrendous.
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It’s not just hair because if that were the case then everyone would be rushing to donate and no one would ever be asking to receive said donations. Hair can be a big part of a persons identity and unless it is that persons idea to donate, no one should ask her to donate.
Cancer sucks. I'm in year 3 of remission. I cannot imagine asking a child (teenagers are very much still children in some ways) to shred their self esteem so I can look prettier.
It's a beautiful gesture but it should come from her herself, not pressured by her family. It is very easy to be generous with something that isn't yours.
The way that poor girl was railroaded into donating her hair disgusts me to no end. When I lost my hair to cancer, I damned sure didn't go around guilt tripping people for hair donations. I was just as content wearing hats and going Kojak-style. Besides, there are organizations that will donate hats and wigs to cancer patients. What was done to OP was highly unnecessary and cruel. I hope she went NC with that herd of mad cows the first opportunity she got. Anyone brave enough to bet against the theory that if SHE had lost HER hair, no one would have lifted a finger to help her?
With alllll the wig options available online she doesn’t really have an excuse, there’s Afterpay too, not hard
She even bought a f*****g wig to tide her over til the OPs hair's wig was completed - and said she intended to alternate them! (From reddit follow-up - the other wig was blonde.) What an absolute slap in the f*****g face.
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To get that length likely took years. That's a hell of a commitment to make to "regrow" it. The YTA people are also incredibly ignorant. Chemo causes a *temporary* loss of hair. When it's over, your hair grows back. NTA. And this family situation sounds incredibly abusive. I get the ick from them fawning over an adopted daughter's hair from such a young age. Are there no adults in this family?
It doesn't always grow back after chemo, my sister's didn't. But forcing someone to cut their hair is wrong. Hope she gets away from this horrible family.
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Really? Some people think a young girl should give up her hair she has grown her whole life just because someone else wants it? The entitlement of those people amazes me. I don't think I would ever speak to someone again who offered something of mine to someone else without my permission. It does not matter why the person wants it. It doesn't belong to them. They can ask, they can be told no, they have no right to insist or think bad of someone who doesn't give up something so important to them.
I agree, this is a bodily autonomy issue. Not as drastic as consenting to sex or surgery, perhaps, but still to be governed by the same general principles. As such, I think ordering the daughter to sacrifice her bodily autonomy to spare another person's feelings is a very dangerous precedent to set.
Synthetic wigs are less expensive and often look better, you can get a colour to suite your complexion. The aunts choice is not going without a wig or having her nieces hari, it's taking the nieces hair or buying a different wig. In most countries the wig cost is covered by either healthcare or non-profit/charities.
I kinda stopped with "the aunt wants red hair" ... uh excuse me, not familiar w/the beggars choosers phrase I take it. Yeah cancer sucks, but just because she may *want* red hair, but that doesn't mean she *gets* red hair, especially from someone who WASN'T offering it. And 100% here, she doesn't NEED a wig, she wants one. This girl has no reason to shave her knee length hair for something that is only for cosmetic purposes.
Bullying and harassing a kid that they treat as an object instead of a human being. What a shock. She's going to cut contact when she's an adult, and for good reason.
Did anyone notice the last YTA? Like the answer changes because someone deserves cancer? I can't even. I just started laughing.
I don’t get why I haven’t seen anyone say yet how unlikely it is that the aunt has the complexion for red hair. It rarely looks good unless the person is born with the ginger or olive natural complexion. I’ve tried a few different shades of red with my pale skin, blonde and and blue eyes, and I think I look AWFUL. This is a family of blondes. Seriously the aunt will very likely look ridiculous with the wig the girl doesn’t want to give anyway. Just saying. This could be solved with simple logic. The emotional pressure is unconscionable, and I don’t think it’s a good idea.
I have alopecia and some seriously s****y life shortening diseases. I still would Never expect a family member to donate or worse be forced into shaving their hair to make a wig. This poor lass being vilified by total strangers too!! Her adopted mum should Never have offered her hair it's not her body, not her choice. And what if it doesn't grow back? Or won't grow back well? This is a real issue too. Wigs are cheap. Seriously real hair wigs are extremely expensive, require a lot of care and aren't as fun interchangeable as synthetic wigs are. Poor lass, it sounds she has no voice in the family 😔
NTA NTA, I had cancer, I loved my long hair {im male} an I wouldnt want ANYONE to cut there hair off for me if they did no want And its not cancer that makes you lose hair , ITS THE CHEMO That aunt wanted red hair, she could have gotten any NO SHE WANTED HER HAIR Iv never wished for someone else with cancer to pass from it, but I will say I Will not pray for that woman
Too late. But I hope the aunt is not gonna wear it for long. Take it, destroy it, never admit. It's the best that, now that it's off, is within reach. That that old stupid bidge doesn't benefit from it - your loss can't be udone, but at least, the self-righteous grin isn't caused by your hair anymore, then. How much did they pay her, btw? And ... as to smoking ... do that myself, and I can't tell if I'd be able to stop once it takes a serious toll. Which it, likely, will - but I would never press anyone to donate their lungs so I can destroy another set, or do anything at all that seriously bothers them, let alone if it's only about looks and not about survival.
NTA. She needs to tell her aunt no. I would suggest asking an adult she trusts to help her write a letter that is kind and loving, and expresses her sympathy for the aunt and her hope for her recovery, but also explains that no one has actually asked her to donate. Explain that her hair is part of her self identity, that she has been growing it out her whole life, and that she loves it and wants to keep it. She could also suggest the family go together and buy her aunt a wig. Human hair wigs can easily be found in the £900-£2000 range, which isn't cheap, but split between the family might be possible. This would allow all the family to share the personal cost and self-sacrifice, as well as the satisfaction of making a generous gesture to the aunt. She doesn't have to cut her hair for her aunt to have a wig, and she shouldn't be pressured into it.
She shouldn't be forced/guilted into doing so. It should be something YOU decided to offer to do, and if you don't, that is your decision. Family can be such horrible peeps to their own.I hope she doesn't do it. NTA.
I wish she had added at what age she joined the family. Also who suggests someone else donate their hair? And in front of the aunt.
Why would adoption age matter? It seemed like the reason for mentioning is to explain why her hair is so different to her sisters'.
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I hope the wig ruins auntie's self esteem more than it already is when she looks F*****G DISGUSTING IN STOLEN HAIR
Someone should remind this family that u like directed organ donation, the aunt won't even have access to OPs hair. If she were to cut it to donate it, the aunt in all likelihood won't even get a wig made from her hair...negating the whole point of this nonsense. I really feel for OP, it's a terrible thing to be a young person and feel pressured into something like this from the people who are meant to support and protect you.
The aunt is an entitled a*****e. Being a survivor (whatever tragedy you survived) does not make you special, and it does not give the right to play the victim card all the time or demand things from other people. The mother is an a*****e for offering something that doesn't belong to her, and the aunt is a choosing beggar because she wants something she can't afford (a wig made of natural red hair). True, the girl's hair will eventually grow back, but so will the aunt's hair if she waits until the end of the treatment.
As a cancer survivor who lost her hair during chemo I happily state this girl should keep her hair! It's cruel for the family to suggest a donation of this sort in the first place. A friend thought about shaving her head after my diagnosis and I told her not to do it because I wouldn't want to feel pressure to shave my head if she got cancer later down the road. There are places that donate human hair wigs. As for myself I suggest going to a Party City type of store and "wig-out" on every cheap wig you can afford and then throw a "wig-out" party.
The title of this article is wildly inaccurate. Shaving your head versus cutting your hair into a pixie cut is VERY different.
Anyone who asks someone else to cut their hair is TA regardless of cancer.
Does anyone have an update for this story since it was 4 years ago? I had cancer and lost my hair. I have also seen and held the wigs available and the synthetic ones are realistic and you can style them yourself at home. Certain places have discounts or cheaper wigs for people having chemo too. I would never ask nor expect anyone to cut their hair for me! Btw my own hair has grown back the same as it was before chemo
Yes. Some kind Pandas have provided links. Apparently the family kept pressuring her and she ended up cutting it off. The more I read on this one, the more upset I got. The aunt (I'm sorry about the cancer) has more options. But she's being selfish in ONLY wanting 100% her niece's hair... and all of it.
Load More Replies... Mutilating a redhead (or indeed demanding they self-mutilate) should be illegal. Redheads are humanity's unicorns. Risig and setting sun viewed through their hair, is even more glorious than the sunrise/set itself.
This is ridiculous. Nobody DEMANDS one person shave their hair to give it to another. What is she adopted for, extra body parts for the rest of the family? Those wigs are GIVEN. Donated at no cost most of the time. Time to call CPS if Mommy Dearest comes at you with the shears.
I'm pretty sure the underlying sentiment for this entire incident is jealousy. Poor girl, I hope she escape from the family and get a better life
Nobody would be having my hair, cancer or not sorry. It's so rude to expect someone to even do that for you. Buy the hair or don't have it simple
A 40 year old bald cancer patient can wear a hat and get sympathy. A 17 year old bald woman will get ridiculed by her peers. In high school, there are few things of prestige and your hair is one of them. If OP independently wants to donate their hair (not suggested they do it), power to their generosity. Otherwise, mom needs to remember what it would be like to be in high school trying to figure out your sexuality surrounded by mean girls.
Ur body ur choice my friend id rather not donate my hair and its not as long as urs is
Wtf is wrong with OP's 'family'? And wtf did I just read, aunt bought blonde wig and she uses red hair wig for matching with her outfits? Bunch of selfish toxic f*****s, aunt included.
I can get my hair down to my waist. A couple years ago I cut it short cause I just wanted to know what it was like to have a short hairstyle. I’m still growing it out to its original length. It takes a lot of time, patience and maintenance. I’ll never cut my hair again.
I'm a fellow redhead, I also have cancer and have currently lost my hair. I would never think to demand someone else donate their hair to me. Hair grows back after chemo. and if you can afford to have a wig made - GET A SYNTHETIC ONE? ( that said, In the UK, many cancer patients get a free wig through a charity that works with the NHS, and those are mostly synthetic, but they look real and are really high quality. )
If the family decided she Had to cut her hair for dear auntie, I would have suggested that the whole family shave/cut all of their hair and donate it, in solidarity... For dear auntie...
I wonder how it went This was 5 years ago and The update is gone from reddit
It went badly. She was pressured into cutting it - she got a crew cut and really hated it. Auntie Dearest got a blonde wig until the OP's hair's wig was completed and said she'd alternate them with matching outfits. What a f*****g slap in the face.
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Depending on her health insurance, the aunt should be able to get (reimbursed for) one wig - was told it is coded in insurance as "cranial prosthetic". My good friend got a lovely, long, dark haired wig through insurance.
If this was something OP had suggested herself and she had -wanted- to do this for her aunt and then changed her mind, that would've been an a-hole move. But that's not what happened! She got volun-told that she -would- donate her hair, despite the fact that synthetic wigs are cheaper, easier to care for, and would be available ASAP (and according to the people here who've seen the actual post, the aunt got a blonde synthetic wig right away while she was waiting for the other wig to be made from OP's hair). And the fact that on top of it, the aunt was a smoker who fully intended to keep smoking after her cancer treatment.... A gaping a**l sphincter if I ever saw one...
It took me nearly 5 years to get my hair back to normal after donating. I am no longer willing to do that again because my hair doesn't do "normal" and takes long to get into some vaguely neat style even when long.
In these situations you can actually tell the hairdresser in charge that you're feeling pressured; if you're not %100 on board with the appointment, they will absolutely refuse to go through with it. A shame that it's too late. Her mom donating OP's hair without her explicit consent is basically gateway human trafficking.
Personally, I'm not attached to my hair. It grows back. If it stops growing back, then I have a bigger problem than just short hair. That said, I don't want to give my hair involuntarily, under pressure, and guilt tripped. Unfortunately for OP, she learns a painful lesson on consent and standing up for herself. Hopefully one day she'll be comfortable enough to say, "yeah no. Ain't gonna happen".
This feels like emotional abuse and also (unfortunately) like “hey you were adopted so it’s reasonable for us to ask you to provide some spare parts for a member of the “real”family”. I saw the update that she had donated it and I feel sad for her. Yes it grows back, but so does hair after chemo and (frankly and brutally) for those saying the aunt could die, that makes it even more of a waste. There are plenty of wigs available. They just wanted one for free.
My father's wife would regularly have "little clear outs" where my toys and other possessions would get donated to charity while I was at my mother's house (shared custody) and it's one of the many reasons I no longer speak to her or my father. Taking away a persons right to make choices, for any reason, is not okay.
Ok, managed to dredge through Reddit - no update was ever posted (may have been, but seems it got deleted and then someone else tried to reinstate it to find out, but it's been 5+yrs) - the WORST part of this: the aunts lung cancer was due to smoking, that she still smoked, and refused to quit even though the doctors told her she would bot get better if she didnt. That poor girl definitely should not have been pushed into that. If the aunt showed remorse for her own actions causing her situation and had quit, then ok, maybe itd have been a nice gesture. But to continue to smoke and refuse to even TRY to quit and better her own health/situation then she deserves nothing
Totally inappropriate to put a child on the spot to give up all her hair. It's one thing for a kid to volunteer. And I call BS on not being able to afford a wig. If she can afford to have one made, she can go buy one. Sounds like they are all jealous off her hair and just want to be difficult. The aunts hair will grow back too.
She DID buy one, while waiting on the OP's hair to be made into a wig - a blonde one. Then said she would alternate them. What a f*****g slap in the face for OP (who hated her crew cut and was so upset).
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I'm calling bull on this post. Nobody shaves one persons head to give their hair to some one else. What was she adopted for extra body parts for the family? Those wigs are GIVEN to women free of charge. If they shave that kids hair then CPS needs to step in.
Because adopted kids are real kids? Rose the Cook, there's more to family than genetics, I'm sorry for whatever is wrong with your family, but comments like yours only perpetuate eugenics based attitudes.
Load More Replies... Just because they adopted a child, that child does not owe anything to the parents. That's just twisted.
Load More Replies... The people who are saying she is TAH should volunteer to shave their head to donate to the aunt.
Indeed, what fücking pretentious bastards. I myself have 1.20m long hair and I can tell you that hella no, this doesn't just grow back in no time. It takes roughly 10+ years to grow your hair that long (at least with the hair growth speed I have) and I regard my hair as a part of my personality. People asking me if I don't want to cut it off (or just randomly donate it for a good cause or whatever, I've heard both) could just as well be asking if they want to cut off my nose instead. I can personally feel this girl and what she's going through, even though I don't have a relative with cancer or any problems to speak up for myself and go against the grain. I hope she manages to speak up to her, and that in a way that everyone, aunt included, hears her saying that her mother is trying to manipulate her into donating. This is so scummy.
Load More Replies... So the teen gets told that her hair will grow back but no one is telling the aunt that her hair will eventually grow back.
The people saying that are also saying the aunt may never get to see her hair grow back. But, yeah, I agree. As much as it sucks to get cancer, you don't demand someone to give you pieces of themselves so you'll feel better about yourself. Especially when it's something that's not going to take the cancer away.
Load More Replies... I found the update, and unfortunately, she did not keep her hair https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1ccik87/aita_for_refusing_to_donate_my_hair_to_my_aunt/
Load More Replies... What also makes me mad is how the wig maker also took advantage of her. She didn't need to cut off that much to make a shorter wig. Also, why should she have to give up her hair so someone else has hair?! (What's worse: aunt had lung cancer and kept smoking!)
In order to double material so they have enough hair for coverage they'll cut strands in half. It rarely takes only one donation to make a full shoulder length wig without splitting it for a wig the length she is describing. Long wigs are usually mix and match, coloring is often applied after assembly to even out the color
Load More Replies... I do hope all the people saying YTA are rushing to book appts to donate their own hair.
I don't like that "I'm sick. Give me what I want." mentality. If she desires hair so much, she can get a synthetic wig. The way she's being super picky to the point of targeting the OP is creepy. The mom is being creepy, too. I can also sense how disconnected OP feels with her adopted family and how much she feels like a ... almost like a pet, with the way the family touches her hair and goes about her appearance and don't give her a chance to speak up. But I do agree that OP needs to find her voice and advocate for herself because it will never end.
Cancer or no cancer, the aunt (and the rest of the family) have less than zero right to tell this child what to do with her hair. Bodily autonomy should be held as absolutely sacred. It doesn't matter if it's her aunt's dying wish. Her body-and everything attached to it-are the girl's choice to do with as she pleases.
This is the part that pisses me off the most. This situation is just an extension of the idea that women are obligated to give of their bodies, even when they don't want to. It's bull$hit!
Load More Replies... Wait, buying a wig is too expensive but having one custom made isn't? Weird. There are really great realistic synthetic options which are styleable, come in red, and reasonably priced.
Aunt was probably just jealous of OP and wanted what she had. It sounds like the family hasn't really cared for OP's opinion or feelings in any previous matters either, and OP blames her own personality for it
Load More Replies... The wig maker should have rejected cutting it when he/she noticed the distress of the OP
Load More Replies... That's a weird fixation that family has with red hair. Everything about this is bizarre, given the incredible range of wigs available.
I don't understand why anyone thinks she's the a*****e. There were other people right there at the dinner table, the "mother" didn't offer up her biological daughters hair to be used but chose to offer up her adopted daughter's hair to be cut off and made into a wig. If you ask me, I'll say that's jealousy. They're jealous of her and have been plotting to do this to her. They knew she wouldn't say anything being put on blast like that in front of the entire family. This is wrong. I don't care if her hair sweeps the floor like a wedding dress, it's her hair and she doesn't have to cut it for anyone
A disease does not give you the right to demand other people's body parts. The face that you adopt someone does not mean that you can use them for spare parts or sit around touching their hair.
I went through and read the reddit post and I feel so sorry for OP she succumbed to peer pressure so to speak and cut her hair. Her "mom" should be ashamed of herself forcing her to cut her hair to make her aunt happy. Seriously how can you say that you love someone and yet force them to do something they don't want to do? Seriously this post enraged me and I hope that her mother goes bald that would be perfecr karma for her!
It's actually not peer pressure. Mom and Aunt are not her peers. It's MUCH worse. They are persons in a position of authority over her, and used that authority to manipulate and abuse her. Much like a boss coercing an employee into a sexual relationship - "Comply to my demands and surrender your body to me, or I'll make you suffer." It's the same kind of abuse.They felt entitled to use her body as they saw fit, and used their power over her to accomplish it.
Load More Replies... It's just hair. Sure, it's just that girl's hair. Maybe ask the kid if she's willing to donate? Nice message they're sending her. I guess when her boyfriend rapes her, it's okay. After all, it's just sex. She shouldn't be so selfish. Why don't people think? I liked the comment that offered the girl other ways to help. Also, everything else not withstanding, teens really have the need to fit in with their peers, more than any other age group (generally speaking). They need to feel comfortable in their bodies and with their friends as they start seriously practicing the social and living skills they need to be successful adults.
This is like I would offer my sister's womb for surrogacy to my friends and expecting my sister to go along with it without protest. This is harrassement. The girl should call CPS.
Absolutely not the AH. She's not even close to her Aunt, and it's only letting the Aunt down because the mother way a massive AH and suggested it in front of her putting this poor kid on the spot. I feel bad for them for this, and how it comes across that they clearly get steamrolled by the family. The mum could have asked her privately and then the Aunt never would have gotten expectations up. Also you can buy human hair wigs or really high quality synthetic wigs, absolutely no need to bully a teenager into shaving her head
Wanted a natural wig ? Ok. Throwing a tantrum because you want RED HAIR is NOT! I don't give a flying fuckety F*CK about your cancer! Worse, weaponazing your disease like that is a bloody INSULT to all cancer survivors! How do we kick a*s through the internet? Where the punch button for the aunt? Wanna bet the aunt was just jealous of op's hair and wanted to humiliate her ? Scuse me I need to get some fresh hair and maybe scream at the moon.
Just pointing out something... the aunt's requirements for the wig are oddly specific, huh? Has to be real human hair, has to be red... it's almost like she had her eye on the niece's hair all along. Also, if every person pressuring OP into donating her hair chipped in with 50-100 bucks - the aunt included - the aunt would already have her wig.
Well said. It is very creepy, sounds like she resents her niece for her hair.
Load More Replies... bro, this is borderline child abuse, like idfc if the aunt has cancer, this girl loves her hair, let her have it an f***k off, hope to god she never shaves it, it's so pretty
It's not borderline abuse - it IS abuse. Mom and Aunt are persons in a position of authority over her, and used that authority to manipulate and abuse her. Much like a boss coercing an employee into a sexual relationship - "Comply to my demands and surrender your body to me, or I'll make you suffer." It's the same kind of abuse.They felt entitled to use her body as they saw fit, and used their power over her to accomplish it.
Load More Replies... I honestly can't finish these stories because the anxiety I feel. As a child into early adulthood, I was never allowed to say "NO".
Studies shows that as adopted children... they often have difficulty in saying no and stand up for them self! That makes the mother a greater AH
Any adult calling a teenaged girl an AH for not wanting to cut her hair down to the scalp should be sterilized because they're effing psychotic.
I'd sleep with one eye open, I wouldn't put it past your demented, entitled mother to cut your hair off while you were asleep. Also, be prepared to be 'volunteered' for any organ donations that might be required.
Luckily, being adopted, she's less likely to be a tissue match than blood relatives. I wish I wasn't serious but this passed through my mind too when I read this.
Load More Replies... Huge NTA . She didn't consent to donating her hair. Her adopted mother did this and is TA. She is completely entitled to keep her hair and she owes nothing to no one. Maybe mom and family should donate their hair. Keep,your hair OP !
this makes me so mad, this is abuse of a minor, next time they volunteer her for a lung, kidney, maybe some skin grafts, and as OP said, the aunt keep smoking anyway... so i hope the aunt burn the wig, she deserve it.
I thought the same but luckily, being adopted, she's much less likely to be a tissue match. Horrendous.
Load More Replies... It’s not just hair because if that were the case then everyone would be rushing to donate and no one would ever be asking to receive said donations. Hair can be a big part of a persons identity and unless it is that persons idea to donate, no one should ask her to donate.
Cancer sucks. I'm in year 3 of remission. I cannot imagine asking a child (teenagers are very much still children in some ways) to shred their self esteem so I can look prettier.
It's a beautiful gesture but it should come from her herself, not pressured by her family. It is very easy to be generous with something that isn't yours.
The way that poor girl was railroaded into donating her hair disgusts me to no end. When I lost my hair to cancer, I damned sure didn't go around guilt tripping people for hair donations. I was just as content wearing hats and going Kojak-style. Besides, there are organizations that will donate hats and wigs to cancer patients. What was done to OP was highly unnecessary and cruel. I hope she went NC with that herd of mad cows the first opportunity she got. Anyone brave enough to bet against the theory that if SHE had lost HER hair, no one would have lifted a finger to help her?
With alllll the wig options available online she doesn’t really have an excuse, there’s Afterpay too, not hard
She even bought a f*****g wig to tide her over til the OPs hair's wig was completed - and said she intended to alternate them! (From reddit follow-up - the other wig was blonde.) What an absolute slap in the f*****g face.
Load More Replies... To get that length likely took years. That's a hell of a commitment to make to "regrow" it. The YTA people are also incredibly ignorant. Chemo causes a *temporary* loss of hair. When it's over, your hair grows back. NTA. And this family situation sounds incredibly abusive. I get the ick from them fawning over an adopted daughter's hair from such a young age. Are there no adults in this family?
It doesn't always grow back after chemo, my sister's didn't. But forcing someone to cut their hair is wrong. Hope she gets away from this horrible family.
Load More Replies... Really? Some people think a young girl should give up her hair she has grown her whole life just because someone else wants it? The entitlement of those people amazes me. I don't think I would ever speak to someone again who offered something of mine to someone else without my permission. It does not matter why the person wants it. It doesn't belong to them. They can ask, they can be told no, they have no right to insist or think bad of someone who doesn't give up something so important to them.
I agree, this is a bodily autonomy issue. Not as drastic as consenting to sex or surgery, perhaps, but still to be governed by the same general principles. As such, I think ordering the daughter to sacrifice her bodily autonomy to spare another person's feelings is a very dangerous precedent to set.
Synthetic wigs are less expensive and often look better, you can get a colour to suite your complexion. The aunts choice is not going without a wig or having her nieces hari, it's taking the nieces hair or buying a different wig. In most countries the wig cost is covered by either healthcare or non-profit/charities.
I kinda stopped with "the aunt wants red hair" ... uh excuse me, not familiar w/the beggars choosers phrase I take it. Yeah cancer sucks, but just because she may *want* red hair, but that doesn't mean she *gets* red hair, especially from someone who WASN'T offering it. And 100% here, she doesn't NEED a wig, she wants one. This girl has no reason to shave her knee length hair for something that is only for cosmetic purposes.
Bullying and harassing a kid that they treat as an object instead of a human being. What a shock. She's going to cut contact when she's an adult, and for good reason.
Did anyone notice the last YTA? Like the answer changes because someone deserves cancer? I can't even. I just started laughing.
I don’t get why I haven’t seen anyone say yet how unlikely it is that the aunt has the complexion for red hair. It rarely looks good unless the person is born with the ginger or olive natural complexion. I’ve tried a few different shades of red with my pale skin, blonde and and blue eyes, and I think I look AWFUL. This is a family of blondes. Seriously the aunt will very likely look ridiculous with the wig the girl doesn’t want to give anyway. Just saying. This could be solved with simple logic. The emotional pressure is unconscionable, and I don’t think it’s a good idea.
I have alopecia and some seriously s****y life shortening diseases. I still would Never expect a family member to donate or worse be forced into shaving their hair to make a wig. This poor lass being vilified by total strangers too!! Her adopted mum should Never have offered her hair it's not her body, not her choice. And what if it doesn't grow back? Or won't grow back well? This is a real issue too. Wigs are cheap. Seriously real hair wigs are extremely expensive, require a lot of care and aren't as fun interchangeable as synthetic wigs are. Poor lass, it sounds she has no voice in the family 😔
NTA NTA, I had cancer, I loved my long hair {im male} an I wouldnt want ANYONE to cut there hair off for me if they did no want And its not cancer that makes you lose hair , ITS THE CHEMO That aunt wanted red hair, she could have gotten any NO SHE WANTED HER HAIR Iv never wished for someone else with cancer to pass from it, but I will say I Will not pray for that woman
Too late. But I hope the aunt is not gonna wear it for long. Take it, destroy it, never admit. It's the best that, now that it's off, is within reach. That that old stupid bidge doesn't benefit from it - your loss can't be udone, but at least, the self-righteous grin isn't caused by your hair anymore, then. How much did they pay her, btw? And ... as to smoking ... do that myself, and I can't tell if I'd be able to stop once it takes a serious toll. Which it, likely, will - but I would never press anyone to donate their lungs so I can destroy another set, or do anything at all that seriously bothers them, let alone if it's only about looks and not about survival.
NTA. She needs to tell her aunt no. I would suggest asking an adult she trusts to help her write a letter that is kind and loving, and expresses her sympathy for the aunt and her hope for her recovery, but also explains that no one has actually asked her to donate. Explain that her hair is part of her self identity, that she has been growing it out her whole life, and that she loves it and wants to keep it. She could also suggest the family go together and buy her aunt a wig. Human hair wigs can easily be found in the £900-£2000 range, which isn't cheap, but split between the family might be possible. This would allow all the family to share the personal cost and self-sacrifice, as well as the satisfaction of making a generous gesture to the aunt. She doesn't have to cut her hair for her aunt to have a wig, and she shouldn't be pressured into it.
She shouldn't be forced/guilted into doing so. It should be something YOU decided to offer to do, and if you don't, that is your decision. Family can be such horrible peeps to their own.I hope she doesn't do it. NTA.
I wish she had added at what age she joined the family. Also who suggests someone else donate their hair? And in front of the aunt.
Why would adoption age matter? It seemed like the reason for mentioning is to explain why her hair is so different to her sisters'.
Load More Replies... I hope the wig ruins auntie's self esteem more than it already is when she looks F*****G DISGUSTING IN STOLEN HAIR
Someone should remind this family that u like directed organ donation, the aunt won't even have access to OPs hair. If she were to cut it to donate it, the aunt in all likelihood won't even get a wig made from her hair...negating the whole point of this nonsense. I really feel for OP, it's a terrible thing to be a young person and feel pressured into something like this from the people who are meant to support and protect you.
The aunt is an entitled a*****e. Being a survivor (whatever tragedy you survived) does not make you special, and it does not give the right to play the victim card all the time or demand things from other people. The mother is an a*****e for offering something that doesn't belong to her, and the aunt is a choosing beggar because she wants something she can't afford (a wig made of natural red hair). True, the girl's hair will eventually grow back, but so will the aunt's hair if she waits until the end of the treatment.
As a cancer survivor who lost her hair during chemo I happily state this girl should keep her hair! It's cruel for the family to suggest a donation of this sort in the first place. A friend thought about shaving her head after my diagnosis and I told her not to do it because I wouldn't want to feel pressure to shave my head if she got cancer later down the road. There are places that donate human hair wigs. As for myself I suggest going to a Party City type of store and "wig-out" on every cheap wig you can afford and then throw a "wig-out" party.
The title of this article is wildly inaccurate. Shaving your head versus cutting your hair into a pixie cut is VERY different.
Anyone who asks someone else to cut their hair is TA regardless of cancer.
Does anyone have an update for this story since it was 4 years ago? I had cancer and lost my hair. I have also seen and held the wigs available and the synthetic ones are realistic and you can style them yourself at home. Certain places have discounts or cheaper wigs for people having chemo too. I would never ask nor expect anyone to cut their hair for me! Btw my own hair has grown back the same as it was before chemo
Yes. Some kind Pandas have provided links. Apparently the family kept pressuring her and she ended up cutting it off. The more I read on this one, the more upset I got. The aunt (I'm sorry about the cancer) has more options. But she's being selfish in ONLY wanting 100% her niece's hair... and all of it.
Load More Replies... Mutilating a redhead (or indeed demanding they self-mutilate) should be illegal. Redheads are humanity's unicorns. Risig and setting sun viewed through their hair, is even more glorious than the sunrise/set itself.
This is ridiculous. Nobody DEMANDS one person shave their hair to give it to another. What is she adopted for, extra body parts for the rest of the family? Those wigs are GIVEN. Donated at no cost most of the time. Time to call CPS if Mommy Dearest comes at you with the shears.
I'm pretty sure the underlying sentiment for this entire incident is jealousy. Poor girl, I hope she escape from the family and get a better life
Nobody would be having my hair, cancer or not sorry. It's so rude to expect someone to even do that for you. Buy the hair or don't have it simple
A 40 year old bald cancer patient can wear a hat and get sympathy. A 17 year old bald woman will get ridiculed by her peers. In high school, there are few things of prestige and your hair is one of them. If OP independently wants to donate their hair (not suggested they do it), power to their generosity. Otherwise, mom needs to remember what it would be like to be in high school trying to figure out your sexuality surrounded by mean girls.
Ur body ur choice my friend id rather not donate my hair and its not as long as urs is
Wtf is wrong with OP's 'family'? And wtf did I just read, aunt bought blonde wig and she uses red hair wig for matching with her outfits? Bunch of selfish toxic f*****s, aunt included.
I can get my hair down to my waist. A couple years ago I cut it short cause I just wanted to know what it was like to have a short hairstyle. I’m still growing it out to its original length. It takes a lot of time, patience and maintenance. I’ll never cut my hair again.
I'm a fellow redhead, I also have cancer and have currently lost my hair. I would never think to demand someone else donate their hair to me. Hair grows back after chemo. and if you can afford to have a wig made - GET A SYNTHETIC ONE? ( that said, In the UK, many cancer patients get a free wig through a charity that works with the NHS, and those are mostly synthetic, but they look real and are really high quality. )
If the family decided she Had to cut her hair for dear auntie, I would have suggested that the whole family shave/cut all of their hair and donate it, in solidarity... For dear auntie...
I wonder how it went This was 5 years ago and The update is gone from reddit
It went badly. She was pressured into cutting it - she got a crew cut and really hated it. Auntie Dearest got a blonde wig until the OP's hair's wig was completed and said she'd alternate them with matching outfits. What a f*****g slap in the face.
Load More Replies... Depending on her health insurance, the aunt should be able to get (reimbursed for) one wig - was told it is coded in insurance as "cranial prosthetic". My good friend got a lovely, long, dark haired wig through insurance.
If this was something OP had suggested herself and she had -wanted- to do this for her aunt and then changed her mind, that would've been an a-hole move. But that's not what happened! She got volun-told that she -would- donate her hair, despite the fact that synthetic wigs are cheaper, easier to care for, and would be available ASAP (and according to the people here who've seen the actual post, the aunt got a blonde synthetic wig right away while she was waiting for the other wig to be made from OP's hair). And the fact that on top of it, the aunt was a smoker who fully intended to keep smoking after her cancer treatment.... A gaping a**l sphincter if I ever saw one...
It took me nearly 5 years to get my hair back to normal after donating. I am no longer willing to do that again because my hair doesn't do "normal" and takes long to get into some vaguely neat style even when long.
In these situations you can actually tell the hairdresser in charge that you're feeling pressured; if you're not %100 on board with the appointment, they will absolutely refuse to go through with it. A shame that it's too late. Her mom donating OP's hair without her explicit consent is basically gateway human trafficking.
Personally, I'm not attached to my hair. It grows back. If it stops growing back, then I have a bigger problem than just short hair. That said, I don't want to give my hair involuntarily, under pressure, and guilt tripped. Unfortunately for OP, she learns a painful lesson on consent and standing up for herself. Hopefully one day she'll be comfortable enough to say, "yeah no. Ain't gonna happen".
This feels like emotional abuse and also (unfortunately) like “hey you were adopted so it’s reasonable for us to ask you to provide some spare parts for a member of the “real”family”. I saw the update that she had donated it and I feel sad for her. Yes it grows back, but so does hair after chemo and (frankly and brutally) for those saying the aunt could die, that makes it even more of a waste. There are plenty of wigs available. They just wanted one for free.
My father's wife would regularly have "little clear outs" where my toys and other possessions would get donated to charity while I was at my mother's house (shared custody) and it's one of the many reasons I no longer speak to her or my father. Taking away a persons right to make choices, for any reason, is not okay.
Ok, managed to dredge through Reddit - no update was ever posted (may have been, but seems it got deleted and then someone else tried to reinstate it to find out, but it's been 5+yrs) - the WORST part of this: the aunts lung cancer was due to smoking, that she still smoked, and refused to quit even though the doctors told her she would bot get better if she didnt. That poor girl definitely should not have been pushed into that. If the aunt showed remorse for her own actions causing her situation and had quit, then ok, maybe itd have been a nice gesture. But to continue to smoke and refuse to even TRY to quit and better her own health/situation then she deserves nothing
Totally inappropriate to put a child on the spot to give up all her hair. It's one thing for a kid to volunteer. And I call BS on not being able to afford a wig. If she can afford to have one made, she can go buy one. Sounds like they are all jealous off her hair and just want to be difficult. The aunts hair will grow back too.
She DID buy one, while waiting on the OP's hair to be made into a wig - a blonde one. Then said she would alternate them. What a f*****g slap in the face for OP (who hated her crew cut and was so upset).
Load More Replies... I'm calling bull on this post. Nobody shaves one persons head to give their hair to some one else. What was she adopted for extra body parts for the family? Those wigs are GIVEN to women free of charge. If they shave that kids hair then CPS needs to step in.
Because adopted kids are real kids? Rose the Cook, there's more to family than genetics, I'm sorry for whatever is wrong with your family, but comments like yours only perpetuate eugenics based attitudes.
Load More Replies... Just because they adopted a child, that child does not owe anything to the parents. That's just twisted.
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