Someone Asks People To Share The Worst Marriage Advice They’ve Gotten, And They Deliver (30 Tweets)
Marriage, like most relationships, is all about communication, building trust, being vulnerable, and fighting off hordes of orcs back-to-back on a mountaintop. Or is that just us? But like childcare, politics, and the weather, everybody seems to have an opinion about marriage. What works. What doesn’t. What you should strive to do.
Unfortunately, a lot of that advice is absolutely bogus, as sociologist Samuel Perry from the University of Oklahoma drew attention to on Twitter. The scholar asked social media users to share the very worst marriage advice they’ve ever gotten and kicked things off with an example of his own about how couples should supposedly not go to bed angry.
Check out some of the best tweets below, upvote the ‘advice’ that you think is absolutely ridiculous, and share your own pearls of wisdom about marriage in the comment section below. And remember—happy panda, happy life!
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I previously had a chat about keeping the bonds of marriage strong with Suzann Pileggi Pawelski and her husband James Pawelski, the authors of 'Happy Together: Using the Science of Positive Psychology to Build Love That Lasts.'
"While it’s critical we all social distance, we must make sure not to emotionally distance with our friends and family. Positive psychology research indicates that one of the most important factors in human flourishing is building close relationships with others,” Suzie and James told Bored Panda.
“A wedding is a magical day no doubt, and of course something to celebrate, but what about planning for all the days to come in our marriage which is intended to last a lifetime? Many newlyweds seem to think that ‘happily ever after’ just happens. However, research shows it’s healthy habits that build long-term love," the couple explained that we have to work at relationships; they’re not something that automatically turns out great.
So THIS is how marriage works. No wonder I am getting a divorce.
"It’s interesting that it’s the only domain in our lives where we think that success will just happen without much effort of our own. For example, when it comes to our physical health, it would be foolish to think that merely buying a gym membership and working out once would strengthen our muscles and build flexibility (if only that were the case!).”
I'm so tired of the holy matrimony and sacred crap with marriage. Marriage is a legal issue. You want to involve the church? Good on you! My experience has been that the church has no place in marriage.
The couple said: “We all know that in order to increase our strength and tone our bodies we have to work at it regularly. So, too, when it comes to our relational health. However, popular culture seems to romanticize marriage making people think that once you get married you can merely ride off into the sunset together. That’s obviously not the case. It takes work.”
In some cases i think it's true not always of course! Edit: I'm referring to misogynist cultures that don't respect human rights of course! i just didn't want to be more specific cause i didn't want anyone to be offended! But these cultures in a marriage are always a deal breaker!
The couple sees marriage as an adventure. A challenging one but an adventure nonetheless. "Being open, curious, and having a growth mindset about ourselves, and our partners will help us be able to better navigate together in marriage. Marriage isn’t an end state but rather a beginning. It’s a process and a life-long journey. The more we seek to understand ourselves and our partners, the better equipped we will be to travel together on this beautiful, yet often challenging adventure."
Aren’t you the one who said there should be no “helping” your spouse with chores and you need to “share” all of the household chores?
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I refuse to have joint accounts. Everyone has different spending habits and shouldn't be beholden to the other person. As with everything in a relationship, communication is the important thing. Make sure bills and shared expenses are communicated.
me and my husband have 1 joint account and then have 1 for ourselves. the joint account is for all our needs at home rent etc our private accounts r for things we just want to get the things that arent neccessary like games, gaming consoles, books, trinkets etc
Same. We're partners, and as such share expenses equally.
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We have a joint account for bills and our own separate bank accounts as well. We have a spreadsheet calculating and forecasting the monthly bills and our salaries, so we pay into the joint account a pro-rata amount to cover those bills plus a slush for emergencies. Whatever is left in our personal accounts is exactly that - personal. To spend on whatever we want. If I want to buy him a random present, I can, without him worrying that I'm breaking the budget. The same goes if I want to buy MYSELF a new handbag - he doesn't control my spending. As long as our joint expenses are covered, the rest is up to us.
That's a great idea actually, having some separated bank account for different purposes. One for grocery, one for bills, one for savings, and only the grocery one have a debit card so you won't "accidentally" use money from your bills & savings account.
Been married 22 years this year, never had joint accounts. I'm horrible with money, wife isn't.
Glad to see my husband and I aren't the only ones! My sister said we were basically doing something wrong and it was weird. My husband pays most the bills I pay for our children's clothing, diapers and household items. It works best for us, if we have a large purchase we split it in half. Its been working for 5 years now, and its stopped us from arguing about money also plus we save more this way!
ALWAYS have your own money. A joint checking account is great too--but have your own cash too
We have 3 joint accounts... 1, his salary goes into, and it pays for mortgage and utilities etc. Second, my salary goes into and it pays for food, fuel, and pleasure stuff. Third, we actively put money into from either the first or second account, when we can... If ever!
Apparently one time my parents were taking a "how good is your relationship" quiz and they did super well on it, the only advice the quiz had was that maybe they should spread out the financial responsibility a little bit more. And my mom's telling me this and I start LAUGHING because I know very well my mom is the one who handles alllll the money stuff because she's the one who's good at it, and my dad has so completely absolutely ZERO desire to be more involved in the finances. So, like, you really do have to judge it on an individual basis!
Having a joint bank account is a bad idea in case you end up divorced or with debt.
My parents have a joint account but they both are financially responsible and communicate well. In that case it's not a problem. But you definitely need not just trust but FOUNDED trust - i.e., regular conformation that your partner is responsible with the account and not single sign of irresponsibility. Rule of thumb, if your partner absolutely insists on a joint account, don't get a joint account. Anyone who _demands_ this level of trust doesn't deserve it.
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At least three accounts: Two personal and one joint for joint expenses. More can sometimes be useful.
We have multiple accounts, some joint, others just as benefactors. All shared finances though. I don’t think it makes sense to have separate finances even if you have separate accounts. Seems kinda toxic, like you aren’t actually sharing a life or household.
The point of a shared account is financial transparency, so this works well.
The other way round is also true; it's okay to have joint bank accounts! It's not a sign that you're in a controlling or abusive relationship. It's about sharing every aspect of our lives. It's not for everyone, but neither is splitting your finances.
My partner's boss sends his pay to my account, because he doesn't have his own. He is terrible with money, so I take care of the bills and then decide if we have enough to splurge on stuff we don't need. It works for us.
Have it all separate! But accessible, separate because if anything happens, med bills sue, etc, then the other one can't be touched. Penup is great, it protects the spouse from being harmed from anyone.
it doesnt matter on how many accunts you have your money the important thing is you consider the accounts "ours" and you share the bills
Yep. My husband is more of a spender. I am more of a saver. We have separate accounts. The bills get paid out of mine. And there's a lot less of that "Where'd that money go??" Lol. it works for us.
My parents always had separate checking accounts. Both my brothers’ wives are better with money than they are, so separate accounts and my sisters-in-law manage finances. Works quite well for them.
after an 8 year marriage that resulted in me separating and therefore getting my own bank account, I can safely say that I'm not going to get rid of my OWN bank account again. I don't mind merging one but I want my own. I need my own.
There are various exercises that help strengthen relationships. Suzie and James shared a few of them with Bored Panda.
"They can focus on what they put into the relationship rather than what they get out of it. Truly happy couples realize that happily ever after doesn’t just happen but that it takes effort. These couples focus on action steps they can take to improve their relational happiness rather than relying on their partner to fulfill them,” was their first tip.
“They can share good secrets with each other. They can practice sharing important things about themselves that they have never previously revealed to each other. It might be a childhood memory, a life-changing experience, or a vivid dream. Perhaps it’s a hope for the future or a fantasy. It can be lighthearted or serious. The important thing is that they authentically share with one another something meaningful. It’s imperative that couples are curious, open, and welcoming of the secrets and nonjudgmental. By doing so, couples will feel safe and will strengthen their connection,” relationship experts Suzie and James shared.
Being a decent person will def get you sum more than being a bum.
“They can 'prioritize positivity' rather than just wait around for happiness to happen. In other words, they can schedule activities into their day that evoke joy and fulfillment. In the beginning of a relationship, we naturally experience a high level of positive emotions. As a relationship develops, we can’t expect to naturally experience the same frequency of 'high-arousal' positive emotions like amusement and joy. Rather we must notice what tends to lead to these feelings and then schedule those activities into our daily lives. Think back to the beginning of the relationship and those things that you enjoyed doing together as a couple and make it a priority to schedule them into your day. Also, try out something new that interests both of you. Research shows that seeking out and engaging in fun, exhilarating, and novel activities can increase mutual attraction and promote a healthy passion in intimate relationships.”
What’s more, couples can create a ‘Positive relationship portfolio. “It entails gathering some of the key mementos, pictures, cards, letters, etc. that remind you specifically of your significant other and how special he/she is, and how important your relationship is. Once you put together the positive relationship portfolio you then spend 15 minutes each day for a week savoring and basking in the positive emotions that these items evoke in you. This exercise helps us rekindle those positive emotions that we had during the honeymoon phase, remembering all the great things about our partner and how important he/she is.”
No one is perfect. The secret is to love someone with their imperfections instead of despite their imperfections.
I grew up in Montana. I stayed with my best college friend on their 50,000 acre cattle ranch regularly. Every night my friend's mother would come downstairs just to say goodnight. She looked like she was attending an Oscar awards performance (the hair and makeup). I asked my friend, "Why does your mom put on makeup and do her hair before going to bed?" My friend said, "My mom just wants to look nice for my dad." They were married for 70 years and sold the ranch ranch for $24,000,000. They're happy.
The couple also shared that it’s a must to continue seeing old and new strengths in our partners as time goes by. “It seems that in the beginning of the relationship we notice one another’s strengths and see our partner’s differences as intriguing as evidenced perhaps by marathon conversations that last long into the evening. However, after some time we often fall into a rut, stop asking questions, and think we know all there is about our partner. What perhaps we once saw as intriguing differences we now see as annoying deficits! That’s dangerous to a relationship. It’s important to continue asking questions and seeing strengths in our partner to help build a stronger bond."
Arguments that end with a discussion with equal input from both people = healthy relationship Arguments that end in fighting and screaming = unhealthy, possibly toxic relationship
"Our marriage is best described by hellish screaming. But. Consider. What if... we added MORE screaming? And bills? And-"
Yeah...for 34 years, my husband has been out of town from Monday toThursday or Friday for 48 weeks of the year. I would have seen more of him if he'd been in the military. We're happy as clams.
i've usually had more female friends than male friends and i have lost girlfriends over it. it's sad that people think non-romantic/sexual love is impossible in that way
Wrong, don't cut off the branch you're sitting on 😁
That is psychotic! Clearly he did not have your best interest at heart.
People are not objects to be possessed, two people together should mutually respect each others boundaries regardless of marital status.
The sponsor asking what she did wrong when she was explaining how she had been abused is complete bullshit. Even if she is an alcoholic that doesn't give him the right to cheat on her and abuse her.
Aww, I know they are supposed to sound tacky but they actually sound kinda adorable.
Yes, we're all broken but we can be "scratch on the surface" broken or "head-on car crash" broken and if it's the latter, I'd be really hesitant about marrying such a person.
The older generations had strict ideas of what was "adult" and what was "childish." When I was 45, my mom told me she'd never consider me to be an adult until I cut my waist-length hair short. Sorry, what? I own a house (which I bought by myself). I raised a child (also by myself after ex-hubby bailed). I'm pretty sure I'm an adult.
Blind lead the blind. This will just make you abusive or at least a worse person
As this says, life is hard work, my marriage is the place I go to recover from it
I've been part of a playgroup for years. Some of us still meet even though our kids are past college age now. Our main group is three women and one man. It's varied and changed but the center has always had an at home dad. He's a great friend. When we can get all our spouses together and the kids we have a lot of fun. Our core is solid and I don't think any of our spouses are worried or ever worried. Other than wondering how we can talk for hours about anything and nothing and then call it a good time.
My husband and I were 31 when we got married. We met when we were 12, dated at 14, lost touch with each other until 29. Yes, we met young. No it wasn't get married right away. He'd thought that he'd married too young with his first wife. They divorced when they were 26.
Making your spouse happy does NOT mean sacrificing your own happiness.
He doesn't want to do the bills... so no I won't let him do the bills lol.
🎶it's nooooot sometimes🎶 🎶cause sometimes your partner is abusive or something🎶 🎶so sometimes marriage is not forever🎶 🎶so whoever said that is an idiot🎶
Obligations are only dictated by those involved. Sex food clothes it's for them to discuss.
So, don't let your partner know that you're human with normal bodily functions? What'd he marry? A unicorn?
It depends on the religion, Christianity, you don't have too. Not exactly sure about the others.
I'm actually doing this because it's my choice. There's nothing wrong with waiting and there's nothing wrong with not waiting. It depends on the person.
this should be much more highly rated as bad advice. It's all about outdated rigid roles that barely ever made sense or were reflected in reality. The best advice on anything is "Be a good person"
Thats great advice... If you're dealing with a self-centered egotist/narcissist.
Uh, well shoot. The closest person to being spiritual does yoga for fun. Guess I missed that one.
Yes! Do some blood sacrifices, perhaps some Auguries. Hell, maybe even a drugfueled orgy! (They never specified Which religion it should be from.) 😁
Your spouses feelings should be of utmost importance! Yes touching dose help the mind! Get the biggest bed comfortably same difference. This is a stupid post.
When ever someone say that, just answer: "Nah, I'm not hungry." Tends to shut them up.
Yes, give your spouse all of you, make them happy and they do the same! Though I believe it's better to say give %90 and take %10. Everyone needs me time ya know
I still think this is pretty sound advice, obviously not for people with fertility issues.
That completely depends on how you feel about the one they are telling you to hold onto.
My wife is also my best friend - nothing wrong with that. I certainly have other friends as well but I can't see what's wrong with my wife being my 'bestie'.
that one about the separate beds meaning that the marriage was over: my aunt and uncle always had separate beds. as a kid, didn't really understand it was about their conservative faith. but, they had quite a few kids. as an older teen i asked her about it one day. her response: every night, ira throws his hat to me. sometimes i throw it back; other times i bring it back.
I actually agree with the "never go to bed angry" one. I will *not* sleep if I go to bed angry. I won't be able to "turn my mind off" and fall asleep, I will lie awake fretting all night long. Then in the morning, I will be overtired and cranky.
I am incapable of putting something in a box and dealing with it later- problems must be resolved NOW, and issues are always larger than life at 2am. But, with practice and age, I am becoming better at managing it. If I cannot sleep, I take something to calm me down (warm milk, rescue remedy), because lack of sleep compiles the issue.
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Ohhh I know a priest (Catholic) that used to say to future brides "He's going to cheat, and you must forgive him because that's your duty as a Christian".
I'm a Christian, and the priest was wrong. "You shall not commit adultery." I'm divorced, but I believe my husband was faithful. We divorced for other reasons.
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My husband and I have been married 39 years. Most issues between couples can be worked out with a little bit of effort on both sides. In the scheme of things very few things are really that big of a deal. As long as there no big issues such as abuse, etc. most problems have a solution. The key is cooperation and commitment. You will never agree on everything but compromise is an important tool.
*Small tip that works for me personally* If you got into an argument with someone, first of all try and talk to the person your angry with BUT, if that doesn't work/you just want to have some alone time to think and stuff, I like to imagine that i am a celebrity in a tell-all interview on a talk show. If it seems like a kinda big problem, then that needs to be addressed. But if it seems like a really stupid and tiny thing to be "confessing" then you might want to apologize. Personally it helps me vent to myself and process what happened.
Lol I love this. Gonna try it out sometime. Thanks!
Load More Replies... What I'm getting from this is you're both equal, what works for some people might not work for others, and COMMUNICATE!
We never go to sleep on an argument BECAUSE we've know two people who were in their 30s and healthy who simply never woke up one day.
That you have to stick it out, no matter what. No matter how hard you have to try. No. Sometimes things just don't work, and people change. Sometimes you try and try for years just to get nowhere. Sometimes you just can't anymore.
Don’t get married if you want a way out of your contract just because you “changed.” Too many people don’t understand the bond of marriage. You need to talk to Bettie Jean down there.
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The best advice I can give is try to love yourself first, and once you do the odds of healthier relationships may increase.
why do people give such awful advice? why do people say and do such stupid things? why are people so stupid?
I am here to give testimony on how this powerful spell caster called Dr Ibrahim helped me to fix my relationship. I was heartbroken when my fiance told me he is no longer interested in marrying me because he was having an affair with the other woman where he works. I cried and sobbed every day,until it got so bad that I reached out to the Internet for help, that was when i read a review about the great work of Dr Ibrahim, then i contacted him for help to get my lover back, he helped me cast a powerful (reconciliation love spell) and to my greatest surprise after 48 hours of doing the love spell my Fiance came back on his knees begging me to forgive him We are now living happily and all thanks goes to Dr Ibrahim for helping me save my relationship you can contact Dr Ibrahim through his Email dribrahimspellcaster@gmail.com Call or Whatsapp +2349038450264 Contact him for the following: 1)If you want your ex back. 2)If you want a child. 3) You want to make your husband/wife to be
Twice divorced here. My advice? Don't get married. It's a pain in the *ss to leave/divorce. Just live together. It's so much easier to leave when the other one f*cks up and you've had enough of their bullish*t. When I left the first time, it took 5 years to divorce. The second time was 1 1/2 years. Such a waste of time and money.
That’s terrible advice lol. Maybe commitment isn’t your thing though. Which is fine. But not good advice for those who do like commitment.
Load More Replies... that one about the separate beds meaning that the marriage was over: my aunt and uncle always had separate beds. as a kid, didn't really understand it was about their conservative faith. but, they had quite a few kids. as an older teen i asked her about it one day. her response: every night, ira throws his hat to me. sometimes i throw it back; other times i bring it back.
I actually agree with the "never go to bed angry" one. I will *not* sleep if I go to bed angry. I won't be able to "turn my mind off" and fall asleep, I will lie awake fretting all night long. Then in the morning, I will be overtired and cranky.
I am incapable of putting something in a box and dealing with it later- problems must be resolved NOW, and issues are always larger than life at 2am. But, with practice and age, I am becoming better at managing it. If I cannot sleep, I take something to calm me down (warm milk, rescue remedy), because lack of sleep compiles the issue.
Load More Replies... Ohhh I know a priest (Catholic) that used to say to future brides "He's going to cheat, and you must forgive him because that's your duty as a Christian".
I'm a Christian, and the priest was wrong. "You shall not commit adultery." I'm divorced, but I believe my husband was faithful. We divorced for other reasons.
Load More Replies... My husband and I have been married 39 years. Most issues between couples can be worked out with a little bit of effort on both sides. In the scheme of things very few things are really that big of a deal. As long as there no big issues such as abuse, etc. most problems have a solution. The key is cooperation and commitment. You will never agree on everything but compromise is an important tool.
*Small tip that works for me personally* If you got into an argument with someone, first of all try and talk to the person your angry with BUT, if that doesn't work/you just want to have some alone time to think and stuff, I like to imagine that i am a celebrity in a tell-all interview on a talk show. If it seems like a kinda big problem, then that needs to be addressed. But if it seems like a really stupid and tiny thing to be "confessing" then you might want to apologize. Personally it helps me vent to myself and process what happened.
Lol I love this. Gonna try it out sometime. Thanks!
Load More Replies... What I'm getting from this is you're both equal, what works for some people might not work for others, and COMMUNICATE!
We never go to sleep on an argument BECAUSE we've know two people who were in their 30s and healthy who simply never woke up one day.
That you have to stick it out, no matter what. No matter how hard you have to try. No. Sometimes things just don't work, and people change. Sometimes you try and try for years just to get nowhere. Sometimes you just can't anymore.
Don’t get married if you want a way out of your contract just because you “changed.” Too many people don’t understand the bond of marriage. You need to talk to Bettie Jean down there.
Load More Replies... The best advice I can give is try to love yourself first, and once you do the odds of healthier relationships may increase.
why do people give such awful advice? why do people say and do such stupid things? why are people so stupid?
I am here to give testimony on how this powerful spell caster called Dr Ibrahim helped me to fix my relationship. I was heartbroken when my fiance told me he is no longer interested in marrying me because he was having an affair with the other woman where he works. I cried and sobbed every day,until it got so bad that I reached out to the Internet for help, that was when i read a review about the great work of Dr Ibrahim, then i contacted him for help to get my lover back, he helped me cast a powerful (reconciliation love spell) and to my greatest surprise after 48 hours of doing the love spell my Fiance came back on his knees begging me to forgive him We are now living happily and all thanks goes to Dr Ibrahim for helping me save my relationship you can contact Dr Ibrahim through his Email dribrahimspellcaster@gmail.com Call or Whatsapp +2349038450264 Contact him for the following: 1)If you want your ex back. 2)If you want a child. 3) You want to make your husband/wife to be
Twice divorced here. My advice? Don't get married. It's a pain in the *ss to leave/divorce. Just live together. It's so much easier to leave when the other one f*cks up and you've had enough of their bullish*t. When I left the first time, it took 5 years to divorce. The second time was 1 1/2 years. Such a waste of time and money.
That’s terrible advice lol. Maybe commitment isn’t your thing though. Which is fine. But not good advice for those who do like commitment.
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