Usually, in a group of friends, there is a long list of inside jokes, sayings, and remarks. They are often the funniest words and expressions you’ve ever heard that make you chuckle every time. But there are also times when people who are known on a wider scale—celebrities—produce some hilarious quotes that make you roll with laughter.
From cute (and sometimes mischievous) jokes from the wonderful Betty White to light-hearted, positive, and funny lines about life from Stephen Hawking. There are plenty of fun quotes to discover. These funny sayings reflect the brighter side of life, turning hardships into comedy or just talking about seemingly mundane secrets behind their success.
So dive into this wonderful collection of funny quotes and sayings and add them to your daily repertoire of laughter. Vote for your favorites, as well as share the good vibes of the hilarious quotes with friends and family.
This post may include affiliate links.
“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”
—Betty White
“The downside of my celebrity is that I cannot go anywhere in the world without being recognized. It is not enough for me to wear dark sunglasses and a wig. The wheelchair gives me away.”
― Stephen Hawking
“I’m not offended by blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb…and I also know that I’m not blonde.” —Dolly Parton
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”– Jim Carey
“The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.”
— Tom Clancy
“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.”
—Jack Handey
“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.” —Albert Einstein
When Mick Jagger insisted that his wrinkles were actually laugh lines, jazz singer George Melly replied, “Surely nothing could be that funny.”
“I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.” —Jack Whitehall
“This book was written using 100% recycled words.”
― Terry Pratchett, Wyrd Sisters
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
“He’s always asking: ‘Is that new? I haven’t seen that before.’ It’s like, Why don’t you mind your own business? Solve world hunger. Get out of my closet.”
― Michelle Obama
I know it’s never going to happen, but I would love, love, love to have Michelle Obama run for President!
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him."
— Oscar Wilde
"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” ― Bob Hope
“There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you're interrupting.“– Mark Twain
“People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” —Isaac Asimov
FUN FACT: Isaac Asimov is the only person who has authored a book in each major category of the Dewey Decimal System
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.“ — Greg Tamblyn
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”— Winnie the Pooh
“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.” – Groucho Marx
“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.”
— Stephen Hawking
Well, lots of people say, "God will protect me (like from COVID)." To those who believe in God: He/She/They/It gave you a brain and expects you to use it to help protect yourself!
God helps those who help themselves. He expects you to be diligent in protecting your body and others against harm. And as far as "religious liberty" to not wear a mask... Well how about render unto Caesar what is Caesar's and unto God what is God's. In other words follow and obey the law of the land and keep your heart and body pure and healthy. It's a no brainer.
Load More Replies...
All this reminds me of one of my dad’s favourite jokes. A man gets caught on his roof in a flood. As the water gets higher and higher a man comes along in a boat and says “get I’ll save you “. “No thanks says the man The Lord will save me. So the man I’m the boat rows away. Soon the water is up to the man’s neck when a helicopter flies over him and the pilot shouts “grab the rope and I’ll save you. Again the man says “no God will save me. The pilot flies away. Just then a wave consumes the man and he drowns. Up in Heaven he is greeted by the Lord. He says I am a good and loyal servant Lord why did you not save me.? To which the Lord replied “ I sent you a boat and a helicopter, What more did you want”?
This is a presumption that people have about people of all religions without knowing much about them at all. It might be true for current followers of Christianity but many religious people don't believe in it the way Stephen claims in the quote. For example, in my faith, we don't believe everything is predetermined. We do believe that we have free will but we believe that the Higher Power knows us and everything that exists so They're aware of our individual choices. However, the decision to make those choices is our own. I am Muslim (no hate because BP has become a place that congregates liberal Islamophobes which is unfortunate) and we don't believe that we're supposed to not take care of ourselves or our communities because God will. Our faith makes it clear that we must take all precautions for the safety of ourselves and our communities and only then leave to God. Its unfortunate that Americans (even intelligent ones) make arrogant presumptions about all religions without knowing
He wasn't necessarily talking about all religions, just people who say that science is a waste because everything is predetermined.
Load More Replies...
Amen ! And I really like those athletes who ask God to help them win, which is really asking God to make the other guy lose.
I’m a massive MMA fan and always laugh when a fighter has turned another into a bloody smear on the canvas and then thanks god for helping him to have hurt the guy. I love thinking about how he believes there’s an all-knowing deity somewhere helping him to smite people for money, fame, and riches! 😆
Load More Replies...
I particularly appreciate the action hero/multiverse interpretation of reality. You exist in infinite universes, but are only aware of the ones where you keep living/existing. If you're stupid enough, you stopping existing infinitely.
"The trouble with having an open mind is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it."— Terry Pratchett
A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
—Graham Norton
Graham Norton is THE BEST! I’m still working on my Big Red Chair story that I’ll never be able to tell because I no longer have enough money to travel abroad. Should the magic genie show up, I want to be ready!
"When you meet somebody for the first time, you’re not meeting them. You’re meeting their representative."
― Chris Rock.
“To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.”
― Steven Wright
“I love deadlines, I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.” – Douglas Adams
One of my favorite thing about working with kids - every year you get a fresh crowd who you get to introduce to Douglas Adams.
“Life isn't a fairy tale. If you lose a shoe at midnight, you're drunk.”
― Darynda Jones
“Friends are God’s way of apologizing to us for our families.” —Anonymous
“I asked my brother-in-law, the father of four boys, ‘If you had it to do all over again, would you still have kids?’ ‘Yes,’ he said. ‘Just not these four.’”
— Sheila Lee
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."
— Steve Martin
“Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.”—Oscar Wilde
“The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.”
—Zach Galifianakis
”Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”— Doug Larson
“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.“ — George Burns
I miss George Burns! Old bastard up and died...what was he thinking?
"I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me."
― Stephen Fry
“You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.”
—Joan Rivers
this woman was very funny, too bad that we remember her more for these operations than for her mind
“If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.” —George Carlin
My favorite George Carlin quote based on anything and everything that came out in the news. This just in. Scientists have discovered: "Saliva causes cancer, but only when swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time.". And, yes, I am a cancer survivor.
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
—Noel Coward
“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”
—Steven Wright
"Confidence is 10% work and 90% delusion.” — Tina Fey
I always tell my dancers that the top dancers are basically 50% skill and 50% stage presence. Yes, they are good dancers, but they are even better at selling the idea why they are good dancers.
Note: this post originally had 170 images. It’s been shortened to the top 40 images based on user votes.
One of my favourites: "It is possible to make no mistakes and still lose. That is not failure, that is life" -Captain Jean Luc Picard, Star Trek the Next Generation. It reminds me that when something doesn't work out, it's not always because I messed up. Helps keep me from being too hard on myself.
"The enemy isn't men, or women, it's bloody stupid people" - Sir Terry Pratchett (and honestly, this certainly seems truer and truer in current times)
My mother: "Can't use logic with people that are illogical." Unknown comic: "best way to a man's heart? A knife through his chest." (joking obviously!)
I keep a running list of brilliant quotes in a notes app on my phone - some profound, but mostly hilarious. One of my favorites by Ted Lasso... "I love meeting people's moms. It's like reading an instruction manual on how they got so crazy."
"You can't have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.." not sure who coined it but my mom always says it
One of my favourites: "It is possible to make no mistakes and still lose. That is not failure, that is life" -Captain Jean Luc Picard, Star Trek the Next Generation. It reminds me that when something doesn't work out, it's not always because I messed up. Helps keep me from being too hard on myself.
"The enemy isn't men, or women, it's bloody stupid people" - Sir Terry Pratchett (and honestly, this certainly seems truer and truer in current times)
My mother: "Can't use logic with people that are illogical." Unknown comic: "best way to a man's heart? A knife through his chest." (joking obviously!)
I keep a running list of brilliant quotes in a notes app on my phone - some profound, but mostly hilarious. One of my favorites by Ted Lasso... "I love meeting people's moms. It's like reading an instruction manual on how they got so crazy."
"You can't have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.." not sure who coined it but my mom always says it
