The Parents Of Twitter Continue To Raise The Bar On Comedy, And Here Are 30 Of Their Funniest Tweets This August
Flying to the moon. Scaling Mt. Everest. Plugging a USB stick into your computer the right way in on the first try. All of these are huge challenges. However, they somewhat pale in comparison to one of the biggest challenges of all in life—being a good parent (getting enough sleep as one grants extra credits).
Each month, Bored Panda collects the funniest and wittiest posts on Twitter that any parent is bound to relate to. Raising your munchkins is an adventure in itself and parents can’t help but share their tales with others on social media. Check out the best parenting tweets this August, upvote the ones you loved the most, and let us know how your family’s handling the end of summer and the start of autumn and starting school again.
I also reached out to British comedy writer, musical comedian, and single mom Ariane Sherine for a chat about why parents share their challenges online, about the start of the new school year, as well as for some tips for new parents on handling the cornucopia of chaos and confusion. You can read Bored Panda’s interview with her below, Pandas.
PS—you’ll find our most recent parenting tweet lists right over here: July, June, and May.
This post may include affiliate links.
I'm pretty sure most people had a lemonade stall at some point in their childhood. Mine lasted an hour before I gave up and drank it all :)
Maybe in some countries - in others it really isn't a thing.
Load More Replies...Genuine question: Is the whole 'Lemonade stand' thing, actually a thing anywhere outside the U.S.A?
I have been doing tutoring for less than minimum wage. Hooray for getting $10/hour for putting up with a shouty kid. Meanwhile this kid is rolling in it.
My friend’s little sister put up a lemonade stand and made like 35 dollars after selling just 3 cups for fifty cents because everybody wanted to give money to the sweet little country girl selling lemonade.
This is not a film. It's real life. Teach her how to give change before she someone calls the police, if you are lucky. If you are not lucky, she could end up ripping off a real nasty piece of sh*t and get hurt
The hamster lives! Either that or you've accidentally gathered proof of the Tooth Fairy's existence...
Oh i really want the hamster to be alive but I also want that to be true!!!
Load More Replies...We had one of the hamster cages the grew and grew (lots of plastic tunnels, high and low). Every night Rosie would escape and return by morning! Evidenced by shredded carpet and a break in the tubes.
Hamsters like lots of floor space that's all one level. They don't like tunnels. Those cages should be illegal, imho.
Load More Replies...wow what a great example of not giving a s**t about the animals you're supposed to be responsible for
One large hamster if this is true. Also, the distsance between the steps is way too long. Cute but I don't believe it. :-)
2 weeks without food or water? Was hammy eating crumbs not mopped from kitchen floor & drinking toilet water? Was all its meals white paint? Where did footprints end & why did it take 2 wks to see them? Do hamsters cry, wail or make sounds that no one heard? Is it skinnier?
Comedy writer and pop star in waiting, Ariane, told Bored Panda that parents sharing their experiences with others on social media helps them deal with the challenges that they face every day at home. What’s more, you can end up bonding with other parents over shared experiences. In the end, you feel less alone knowing that others have been in your shoes before.
“Sharing tough parenting situations helps you let off steam, alleviate frustration, and feel less isolated, especially when you’re a single parent, as I am,” she said. “Often other parents respond with their own anecdotes, so you feel less alone. And it’s always fun to share the hilarious things your kid says and does. I’ve tweeted so many of those that I made my daughter a book of the tweets for her 10th birthday, which she loved!”
Welcome to the restaurant business. where people who actually eat dirt will now criticize your cooking.
my wife used to say that she had an additional stomach dedicated to sweet things
Load More Replies...In my family we have a saying that dessert takes up a different part of your stomach.
When he was about 4 or 5, my son said "My dinner part's full. My dessert part is empty."
Me: but when you bite into it? it won't be a circle anymore, will it? .. 6YO: jesus, mom, just give me the damn cookie!!
this is me but i say: m o t h e r t h e c r e a m e d i c e w i l l f i l l i n a n y g a p s .
when people used to say how much my oldest daughter looked like me, my ex would say, 'that's really weird, because he's not her daddy. not even close.' she was a riot...
Ariane also gave me some insights into what the quickly approaching new school year is shaping up to be like this time around for her daughter, Lily. According to Ariane, some schools are getting rid of Covid restrictions for students in the UK. This is vastly different from last year. The rules regarding contact groups, aka ‘bubbles,’ have been relaxed, however, schools in England will be inviting students to be tested for Covid.
“The new school year will be different for my daughter Lily, as there are no longer going to be class ‘bubbles’ and all Covid restrictions will be removed. It’s also her last year of primary school, which feels bittersweet. My baby is growing up!” Ariane opened up to Bored Panda about why this year is special for Lily.
I'm an adult and I still do whatever I want. That's the blessing of not having any kids :p
Obligations are not all about children. I know it’s kind of trendy to pretend that having children is the hell, but it isn’t at all.
Load More Replies...That's why being a teenager is good: you have (most of) the freedom, without the responsibility.
Yes and no. Can be a difficult time - changing body, changing hormones, being treated like a child when you want to be treated like an adult and vice versa. I have to be honest, I would never, ever want to be a teen again.
Load More Replies...Yup: growing up was my biggest mistake. They never told me growing up was a trap.
I had an ice cream bar for dinner last week. And there was no one to tell me I couldn't.
Hey! Adult Pandas! Look how many amazing young people we have on here! Can we please try not to be completely inappropriate and horrible in the comments sections? It's refreshing to hear teens loving on their fams :)
Load More Replies...Our house keeps and entire cheese drawer... never know what kind or size and shape you'll need.
What’s more, Ariane had some fabulous tips and tricks for those of you Pandas who are new to parenting. She shared with Bored Panda how she approaches parenting. Especially in tough situations.
“I always try to parent with love and understanding,” she said. “When my daughter’s upset, I give her a hug and stroke her hair, and that calms her down. It’s essential to remember that your child’s frustrations and tantrums are rarely personal. They’re just a natural part of growing up, and we need to allow them to express their feelings.”
My daughter is the opposite and very snarky about it. Any time I try to get out of anything by acting like I’m too old for it she goes: “ you’re not old, stop being ridiculous. You’re only 36.” Works every time because I’m susceptible to her flattery… which may be her hidden motive now that I think about it.
I am 54 and use a walking stick because I have a nervous disease, but otherwise I am healthy and fit. One day a female apprentice, 18 years old, looked at me while I was showing her something and asked in a tone full of pity "You seem to be so old and sick. Will you die soon? I like you, so it would be very sad". I just said thank you for the question and denied that my decease is close. My boss who heard it from the office began to giggle. From this moment he teased me all the time "hey, can I give you this project or will you be dead before the deadline", in a meeting "let's hurry up, so he does not drop dead from his chair before we close" or placed a book about time management on my table with a note "Carpe Diem" 😂
Some kids think they are dying soon because of COVID. After a year of being told they can't go to school because they could catch a deadly disease, they are now being told they have to go anyway. While watching Wheel of Fortune last week, the local station ran a teaser for the 10PM news called "will your children die going back to school?" Its a tough conversation to have with a 7 year-old you are watching the show with to learn spelling and reading.
The children are scared that their parents might die, too.
Load More Replies...i remember being fascinated by the lines on my dads face, the rough feel of his beard by lunchtime even though i'd watched him shave at the crack of dawn. he was this huge...old, lord i couldn't imagine what it must be like to be old...man. this was a man. i was like...three, probly. when i was three? my dad was 23.
Well at least she knows the amount of stress kids cause on their parents
So there you have it, dear Pandas. All the proof that you need that sharing your parenting ups and downs on social media isn’t just allowed, it can actually be great for your emotional health. Got any fun or challenging parenting tales to tell? Let us know all about them in the comments.
which means now is the perfect time to begin teaching him about the economics of eating to survive...
I mean besides the curse word that kind of positive reinforcement is great!
drop that 'accidentally', going forward. postive reinforcement works amazingly well...
And even if you have a different last name, all the teachers will call you or send you notes as "Ms.kid's last name", which is why I kept my married name after the divorce until my kids all graduated.
2 days ago a kid got on the wrong bus home on our street. They still dropped him off. One of my daughter's friends stands up and yells out the window, "hi, daughter's name dad!"
When I traveled to Nigeria with my son Peter, everyone of the family by marriage and friends called me father of Peter, baba Peter. My name is Peter too, as my father and my grandfather and so on, traceable to 1790.
OMG! It's so true!!! I'm 51 and I still can't remember one of my besties moms name!!! She's just Jxxxxxx's mom in my phone!
Childhood is asking your parent for a cookie, they say tomorrow, the next day ALL THE COOKIES ARE GONE
Last night I asked for popcorn, my parents said in the morning, and in the morning there was no more popcorn.
Load More Replies...And when you are old your kids tell you that cookies are not good for you because of the blood sugar.
Terrible who? Teenagers: hold my beer (seriously hold it I'm not allowed to drink it yet)
My daughter started the terrible twos at age 18 months. She's now 21 and I'm still waiting for her to grow out of it.
My mother was still waiting for my younger sister to do this aged 30. We kept telling her 'give up mum, this IS her personality!'
Load More Replies...Mine went from "terrible two's" to "terrorist three's." What a nightmare those years were!
you cut off that Terrible Too waaaaaaaaaay too early. that ought to top out at around 99ish.
Yowch! Or should I say in the ancient language used by his ancestor, AUAUAUAUUAHAAUAHAHAUAHUAHUUHAHAHUAHUAAHAUAAAAAAUAUAUAUAUAUAAAGGGGHGHGHGHGHGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Buuurrrnnnn 🔥 My son, now 24, said to me grinning, that he imagines my youth like being in a b/w silent movie, with piano background music.
As a kid I'd tell my parents they were born during the time of dinosaurs.
Yep, you love them dearly but some days you wish you could lose them for a bit!!! 😂😂🥰🤫
I wish I could wake up at the promise of Peppa Pig and cereal at 5 am, I would make it to work early every day.
Just leave a thimble of single malt whiskey and the fairy will be happy.
Wow. You should look into therapy. Seriously. Hope you’re okay.
Load More Replies...I wouldn't blame them! When your mum's on fire, it's the perfect time to roast marshmallows!
True story: I passed out on the living room rug. (low blood sugar or something). My husband said he came in because the kids were getting loud. They were sitting on me and saying "mom? Mom? Can I have juice? MOM?" in progressively louder voices. Husband tells me that one was even lifting my head to try to get me to look at him. Juice is very important. Did not know that only the mother was the keeper of the juice.
That happens to me. I may be healing a bleeding injure or something similar and my wife just laid down in the sofa, that my kiddo asks to me whatever. I only take that as a compliment.
just play calm meditation music while doom music intensifies in the background
why do i hear boss music? *kahoot music comes closer and closer*
Load More Replies...Yup. "Vacation" for me is packing up my entire house, listening to the kids argue the entire way, unpacking it to another house for a week at the beach.
I didn’t try a fluffernutter until I was in my 30s and OMG was I missing out! Now I know what the marshmallow creme in the grocery store is for.
Load More Replies...Amen. I called my mom and was like "so remember when I said I'd never bribe my kids? I'd reason with them?" I didn't even have to tell her. She knew. And she started laughing.
That profile picture looks like the mom from Secret Agent Ryan Defrates
He’s probably the youngest, my seven year old sister is the youngest so she’s pampered AF
Load More Replies...Because of the vacuum-related carnage that could result if you use it wrong? How tired do you have to be???
Sounds to me like one of those energetic short people have to do it.
When my son was like 2 or 3 he somehow happened to trip and fall and proceed to rip his bottom eyelid almost completely off his face. Rush him to the hospital and the whole time he's saying "I so sorry momma, I so sorry." (he is STILL that thoughtful and he's 17) I was like No baby it's not your fault, it was an accident (when it happened he was where he wasn't supposed to be) When we got to the hospital I realized that people were giving me strange looks, by this time his eye had swollen and he had a gnarly black eye but thanks to the swelling his eyelid was staying in place. I looked at him wishing they'd hurry up and take him in the back. Once they did the doc came in and said "clearly.' I was confused until I realized he was wearing a shirt that said "I do my own stunts." smh.
My kids is done in like 3 minutes so she can go back to being on the phone with her friends instead of being forced to sit with her family and answer questions about her day.
well that's why you don't give into those urges and show a little restraint. take the time to butcher them properly...prepare what you're going to realistically be able to eat in a meal...and freeze the rest. idiot.
i could have unloaded the washing machine, hang up the laundry and back, they would have only just finished their second wedge of potato chips...
Load More Replies...If I ever have kids and I go to their friend's birthday party, I'm never taking that cake. Little kids spit everywhere when they blow out the candles.
Dude, once you're a parent your standards will drop like there's no tomorrow. Did I expect to eat half-eaten spat-out food from my 1-year old? No, I did not. Did I expect to eat food that I don't like because my baby is learning to share and offers it to me? No, I did not. Do I eat it anyway? Yes, I very much do. Sometimes it's the only thing I manage to eat while taking care of him...
Load More Replies...you'd have to be pretty well lit to realllly want a piece of pizza at a kids birthday party...
then theres the wierd uncle or his kid who litterally eat an entire pizza
I read it in my psychology text book. I think it's less of a riddle and more to show that people automatically think the doctor is a man. Though it's pretty outdated now :P
It's not as outdated as you think - I think a lot of it unconscious too. I used to edit textbooks for learning languages - so lots of example sentences to demonstrate different structures etc. I spotted a lot of what I would guess to be unconscious bias, e.g. almost all example sentences about doctors or people in positions of power would be referred to with masculine pronouns or conjugations. When it came to personality, for example, if the sentence was expressing a negative trait (stupidity, vanity, etc.), the pronouns or conjugations were overwhelmingly feminine. I think this was unconsciously done, as when I spoke to the writers and said "you do realise you've used almost all the positive personality phrases to describe men, and the negative to describe women, don't you?", they were often surprised and didn't believe me til they read back their own writing.
Load More Replies...A man and his son are in a terrible accident and are rushed to the hospital in critical care. The doctor looks at the boy and exclaims "I can't operate on this boy, he's my son!" How could this be? Believe me when I say 40 years ago this was a head scratcher. Not so today, :-)
Because you are to young to remember when 99.9% of all doctors were men. Female doctors were unicorns.
Load More Replies...My Mom told me and my softball team this riddle way back in the 80s - if I remember correctly, it took us the entire tournament (4 days) to figure it out. And to be honest, she may have just had to tell us. Lol
look at @Mtownmick's comment, you can look at ijt there
Load More Replies...He probably only knows the romance bit. Pretty child-safe if you ask me.
Load More Replies...I always tell the kids (like I had to do with my mother when I was growing up) if we had to be there at 1500 I would tell them it started at 1400.
whatever i can't remember to do, i copy and copy and copy, and i still forget
Did a walk with my younger son one day. It began with a story about his brother and ended 3 hours late with aliens fighting dinosaurs who were under the command of his mother.
Quickest way to turn a good morning into a horrible morning with my 8 year old daughter.
This just literally described this evening at my house. Apparently I ruined his whole day 🤦♀️
Oh damn I have a strawberry lolly in my purse....I now feel like it's my red palm gem in Logan's run
I think I found out what a child's purpose is in life... TO DRAIN THEIR PARENTS ENERGY EVERY NIGHT
Went to Wally World one year to buy school supplies for my 2nd grader. I had the typical pencils, colored pencils, notebooks, etc. College kid in front me had his school supplies as well....microwave meals, ping pong balls with the tiny cups and condoms.
I was 7 when I started carrying around a baby doll everywhere. My dad very seriously told my mom they were grandparents now XD.
this may introduce a benefit... what if they doing pole jump and the hiccup helps them jump higher?
Actually this totally makes sense for both the athletes and the comentators. maybe the runners have issues speedbreathing if they have hiccups?
Adult boys are not better. My son, 24 now, gives me always a fist bump. 🤜 🤛. But sometimes he can surprise me. Last weekend, we had not seen in a while, we met by chance by his grandmother. He pounced at me, giving me the happiest and tightest bearhug you can imagine.
Parents, you were teens once. You know your kids still love you deep down. But you also know what they'll find deeply embarrassing at that age, because you've been there. Even if you find it funny, they won't. Why be mean? You're just depriving yourself of genuine hugs in the future...
i can frickin relate to this, i could never live it down at school when i was in 2nd grade
i do this to my brother when we pick him up from school (i kinda enjoy the embarassment he gets)
Same. *elmo fire meme that I wish I could post but I can't figure out how to post pictures*
Load More Replies...My mom would say “then eat some more of your food to fill the cracks instead.”
The ways young children use language is often funny, but also genuinely fascinating.
Yes! My oldest decided at that age that underarms/armpits were called underpits. She's 15 now & I still love that portmanteau of 2 portmanteaus.
Just tell her you're gonna take away the broccoli and she'll eat it. Psych them out.
So... She thought she was eating people, and she was not disturbed at all... Ok... That's slightly creepy, though.
truuee..but if it means getting her to eat those veggies....
Load More Replies...They just love you so much and want to be where you are. Sometimes quite annoying, other times it melts the heart right out of your chest.
My son is grown... but I have 6 cats that have to be on whatever side of a closed door they are not currently on so I have learned to leave the door cracked when I am in there (unless we have company because that would be TOO weird).
Load More Replies...I mean if I take a nap, I can barely fall asleep later, so maybe the kid is right.
Erm... Both at the same time. Don't forget the sticky side of the honey jars all the time
Well the science says otherwise. Also kids in school wash their hands more than most adults I know. At least at my children's school they all wash their hands when they arrive, before snack, before lunch, after outdoor recess, and any time they use the restroom.
Load More Replies...… you do realize that tons of children have literally DIED from COVID-19, right?
Load More Replies...Or have kids and cycle to a park with them on a lazy Saturday morning where they play and have a cheese sandwich with milk afterwards talking about how much fun they had instead of how well they performed.
Can remember when my dad got that list and crossed out all the specific brands. "A pencil is a pencil and a notebook is a notebook. I ain't going to pay €4 for a pencil when I can buy 50 of them for €3,55."
In my house, my mom will start offering money for whoever finds it.
We just kick everyone off the video games until it's found. Even more effective.
Load More Replies...And a mom loves that you're sitting in that car judging while she gets everybody's shoes on. What a hero
Me to wife: "Are we ready to go? " Wife: "Yes" Me (walking to the door): "Ok" Wife: "Hold on, I first need to pee, than I have to change shoes and find my purse and cigarette case."
Meanwhile can't understand why mom takes another 20 minutes, and flies into a murderous rage when he asks what took so long. Time she spent finding everyone's shoes, tying at least one pair not her own, packing snacks, grabbing jackets, answering 500 questions about where are we going, what are we doing, getting the tickets or invitation or gift, finding the lost toy that is suddenly absolutely esential for the car ride, realizing one kid has breakfast all over their face and attempting to clean them up despite their objections then finally getting her turn to use the bathroom.
Then after all this, all three kids buckled in their car seats mine would "run back in to the bathroom" for half an hour. He's lucky I never strangled him.
Load More Replies...Yup mine does this too....I've started asking her "toasted or not toasted?" whenever she asks for it.
actually there is but instead of saying anything they give the coldest death stare ever!
I know when my kids have done something because one of them will run up to me with "X said" or "X did" with X just behind them
Good luck with that, my brother is almost 14 and he still rambles on and on about Minecraft.
He's 11. She isn't teaching him grammar. Someone else is by now.
Load More Replies...At 6, my son woke me at 5am in a panic because he needed to know if sharks have eyelids
Not a child..My father when he had Alzheimer's said one day during a snow storm "We need a bigger window." (Why?) "So we can spread some more mayo on it." (And what would that do?) "Because then we could make more gasoline....." Big pause (I'll get right on it..) ;-)
"pee pees should take a minute while poo poos should take 3 hours!"
paren't wheter you have kids or pets. when it comes to he bathroom.. doors are obsolete
No. Just because you say something nice doesn't mean that you get instantly rewarded. That only works in politics.
Next time I have music first or last I'll steal this pun thank you very much
Mine is in college and it is entirely on-line, so home it is! (But I am happy to have him... most days... on the days he does things like "forget" the recipe for ice, I'm not so sure. LOL)
Load More Replies...My little brother and sister are the favourites, my little brother is a mama’s boy, and my little sister has really curly hair and a bouncy personality (only around my parents, around us she’ll hiss and literally bite).
Load More Replies...It hurts less when you take band-aids off in the shower. When I do, I barely even cry.* (*crying in shower may or may not be related to pulling off the bandage)
That's why I donate blood - for the Nutter Butter cookies without guilt - I've given almost seven gallons.
Kids really didn't have a great day when they couldn't stuff their faces with a lot of junk food so they had to puke at least once.
It could be a king size bed but mine will miraculously take up the whole bed and insists on being as close to me as possible
Load More Replies...Or else, they can just walk. You know, it is that thing they do with their legs to move.
Every time I read one of these articles I'm reminded that I only enjoy children in very small doses.
Yep. Don't care what my parents say, my bloodline ends with me.
Load More Replies...Say what you will, I personally think the little earwigs are worth it.
So, last night, we got the latest story about our littlest grand daughter – age 5. She was struggling with her dinner and her mother said she had to eat more of it. (Pause) “Can I be a visitor?” “Why do you want to be a visitor?” “So I don’t have to eat all my dinner.” “If you were a visitor, it would be polite to eat it all.” “But YOU SAID a visitor didn’t have to eat it all if they didn’t like it!”
Every time I read one of these articles I'm reminded that I only enjoy children in very small doses.
Yep. Don't care what my parents say, my bloodline ends with me.
Load More Replies...Say what you will, I personally think the little earwigs are worth it.
So, last night, we got the latest story about our littlest grand daughter – age 5. She was struggling with her dinner and her mother said she had to eat more of it. (Pause) “Can I be a visitor?” “Why do you want to be a visitor?” “So I don’t have to eat all my dinner.” “If you were a visitor, it would be polite to eat it all.” “But YOU SAID a visitor didn’t have to eat it all if they didn’t like it!”
