When you see a fortune cookie, it's not the cookie you're craving; it's the fortune. I mean, there are plenty of baked desserts, but how many of them also act as a fortune teller? Or at least pretend to be it? On the other hand, is there a better fortune teller and hidden message carrier, than a tasty one? Some of these fortune cookie messages, however, are so surprising, they catch people completely off-guard. Bored Panda has compiled a list of some of the funniest phrases ever found in fortune cookies to prove that Confucius isn't behind all of them. And if you do believe in chiromancy, best leave it to professionals and not the fortune cookie sayings.

Though commonly thought to originate in China, the fortune cookie comes from the Japanese tsujiura senbei treat. Allegedly, the first fortune cookie was eaten in the US around the 1890s. Chinese had tried to import the American-popularized goodie later on, but it turned out, that the public thought it to be 'too American.'

From rude insults to questionable dares, the people who discovered these funny fortune cookies definitely had a hard time swallowing them. Scroll down to read the hilarious list!

#1

He Sat And Watched Me Eat Chinese Take-Out For Half An Hour. Then This Happened

He Sat And Watched Me Eat Chinese Take-Out For Half An Hour. Then This Happened

Lincie Report

Bunnies4Zwin
Community Member
2 years ago

This is no coincidence. Give the fluffy pooch food

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#2

Definitely The Scariest Fortune Cookie I've Ever Gotten

Definitely The Scariest Fortune Cookie I've Ever Gotten

endrex Report

Bunnies4Zwin
Community Member
2 years ago

RUN!

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#3

Didn't Expect My Fortune Cookie To Be So Insightful

Didn't Expect My Fortune Cookie To Be So Insightful

spcbackacker Report

Daria Zotova
Community Member
2 years ago

How accurate *sigh*

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#4

Best Fortune I Have Ever Got In A Fortune Cookie

Best Fortune I Have Ever Got In A Fortune Cookie

Lerxtt Report

Muhammad Cisco Zulfikar
Community Member
2 years ago

Free from the shell

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#5

Fortune Cookie

Fortune Cookie

jedduff Report

SnowyLynx
Community Member
2 years ago

Wow

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#6

My Wife And I Received Matching Fortunes At Dinner This Evening

My Wife And I Received Matching Fortunes At Dinner This Evening

Mal_Fet Report

Shruti Naik
Community Member
2 years ago

this is a lovely coincidence!

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#7

My Ironic Fortune Cookie

My Ironic Fortune Cookie

willdonnell Report

Neeraj Jha
Community Member
2 years ago

The humor with this fortune cookie is too damn high! xD

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#8

My Coworker Just Came Back From Sick Leave; He Had A Heart Attack. To Celebrate We Went For Chinese. These Were In His Fortune Cookie

My Coworker Just Came Back From Sick Leave; He Had A Heart Attack. To Celebrate We Went For Chinese. These Were In His Fortune Cookie

charns Report

UniversalMel
Community Member
2 years ago

Nope nope nope NOPE

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#9

Take That Big Step

Take That Big Step

Report

Terror from Beyond Space
Community Member
2 years ago

Go ahead and get the complete stormtrooper costume.

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#10

My Wife's And My Fortune Cookies. Hers Is On Top

My Wife's And My Fortune Cookies. Hers Is On Top

Thrupp08 Report

John L
Community Member
2 years ago

And since none of the 'lucky numbers' even match, it may be time for him to hire a private investigator. :D

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#11

Just When I Thought I Got A Good Fortune Cookie

Just When I Thought I Got A Good Fortune Cookie

Vladamar Report

Shruti Naik
Community Member
2 years ago

hahahaha! This is funny!

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#12

Don't Expect Much From A Cookie

Don't Expect Much From A Cookie

Report

Shruti Naik
Community Member
2 years ago

'but you're yummy and you filled my tummy!'

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#13

Well Screw You Too Fortune Cookie

Well Screw You Too Fortune Cookie

WhiteY515 Report

Shruti Naik
Community Member
2 years ago

that's okay! you can grow old and fat together! :)

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#14

My Wife And I Also Got Some Fortune Cookies

My Wife And I Also Got Some Fortune Cookies

Rickshaw-Racer Report

John L
Community Member
2 years ago

In the end, they will either compliment, or kill, each other. :D

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#15

This Was In My Fortune Cookie Last Night... Should I Call Somebody Or?..

This Was In My Fortune Cookie Last Night... Should I Call Somebody Or?..

BoxyButler Report

Shruti Naik
Community Member
2 years ago

call somebody

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#16

Faster Than The Bear

Faster Than The Bear

Report

John L
Community Member
2 years ago

Rule Number One for smart woodsman: Always carry a gun.

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#17

Two Fortunes In One Cookie - Aaaaand I'm Offended

Two Fortunes In One Cookie - Aaaaand I'm Offended

streamstroller Report

SykesDaMan
Community Member
2 years ago

You may not be young! :)

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#18

When A Fortune Cookie Finally Speaks Up

When A Fortune Cookie Finally Speaks Up

tracytracetrace Report

Muhammad Cisco Zulfikar
Community Member
2 years ago

Be a romantic to a fortune cookie, be the woman!

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#19

I Think This Wins The 'Worst Fortune Cookie Of All Time' Award

I Think This Wins The 'Worst Fortune Cookie Of All Time' Award

dim3tapp Report

Penny Campbell
Community Member
2 years ago

I don't know. I got a fortune cookie once and there wasn't a fortune in it. Someone took pity on me and gave me another cookie and it didn't have a fortune in it either.

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#20

I Think My Fortune Cookie Just Threatened Me

I Think My Fortune Cookie Just Threatened Me

gambithero Report

Tiny Dynamine
Community Member
2 years ago

As in at the supermarket behind the freezer before the security guard catches you?

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#21

My 3 Year Old Nephew Asked Me To Read Him His Fortune

My 3 Year Old Nephew Asked Me To Read Him His Fortune

BWinter1985 Report

Miranda Cosgrove
Community Member
2 years ago

Wow!

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#22

The Best Fortune Cookie Fortune Ever

The Best Fortune Cookie Fortune Ever

Korzic Report

John L
Community Member
2 years ago

For some reason I always thought that "brevity is the soul of wit". :D

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#23

What A Tease Haha

What A Tease Haha

jyotimayy Report

John L
Community Member
2 years ago

To a professional thief, this could be good news. :D

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#24

How Did The Cookie Know?

How Did The Cookie Know?

Report

John L
Community Member
2 years ago

The fact that it would be made specifically for you, and arrive fresh, is well worth the extra $2.

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#25

This Fortune Cookie Is Too Real...

This Fortune Cookie Is Too Real...

thewerdy Report

Analyn Lahr
Community Member
2 years ago

Little nutritional value though.

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#26

My 9 Year Old Daughter Got This Fortune, I'm Happy For Her

My 9 Year Old Daughter Got This Fortune, I'm Happy For Her

dinkypoopstick Report

Ethan Slusser
Community Member
2 years ago

I thought of an idea. Use fortune cookies to come out to people.

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#27

My Friend's Misprinted Fortune Is Kinda Dark

My Friend's Misprinted Fortune Is Kinda Dark

asiansteev Report

Vlad Horobet
Community Member
2 years ago

Me looking at my ex.

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#28

My Fortune Cookie Has Either Seen Or Done Some Sh*t

My Fortune Cookie Has Either Seen Or Done Some Sh*t

SuperDoubleSlap Report

The Alchemist
Community Member
2 years ago

Is anyone else thinking of the Pretty Little Liars theme?

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#29

Worst Fortune Cookie Ever

Worst Fortune Cookie Ever

northendtrooper Report

CultOfBambi
Community Member
2 years ago

Since it doesn't say when, it's actually 100% accurate.

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#30

My Fortune Cookie Fortune Is Strangely Distraught

My Fortune Cookie Fortune Is Strangely Distraught

ilikeoctopus Report

PyroarRanger
Community Member
2 years ago

:(

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#31

Avoid Gambling, But Hey, These Numbers Are Lucky!

Avoid Gambling, But Hey, These Numbers Are Lucky!

Report

John L
Community Member
2 years ago

None of these numbers are part of the "Fibonacci Sequence" (Golden Ratio of Beauty). Always go for good looks. ;D

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#32

I Spent 30 Minutes Trying To Get My Fortune Without Breaking The Bag Or Cookie

I Spent 30 Minutes Trying To Get My Fortune Without Breaking The Bag Or Cookie

AIDS-MACHINE Report

Cheryl Weldon
Community Member
2 years ago

Why?

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#33

Which One Of You Bastards Works In The Fortune Cookie Business?

Which One Of You Bastards Works In The Fortune Cookie Business?

hawkshaw Report

John L
Community Member
2 years ago

Hey, if you are about to use as intended, please don't forget to grease the shaft.

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#34

My Friend Got Rick Rolled By A Fortune Cookie

My Friend Got Rick Rolled By A Fortune Cookie

Live_Ore_Die Report

Tiny Dynamine
Community Member
2 years ago

I have to quickly scroll past those lyrics before I get the song stuck in my head.

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#35

Thank You Captain Obvious

Thank You Captain Obvious

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Cerys Dunbar
Community Member
2 years ago

your next fortune cookie: your welcome sergeant sarcastic

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#36

Our School Fortunes Use A New Kind Of Motivation

Our School Fortunes Use A New Kind Of Motivation

olivestheapple Report

PyroarRanger
Community Member
2 years ago

Well then...

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#37

Oops

Oops

lanieadcomic Report

John L
Community Member
2 years ago

There's a chance that the bulgogi you enjoyed at the Korean restaurant, at the Winter Olympics, may have been served with Man's Best Friend. Dog-on-the...951595.jpg Dog-on-the-menu-5a85a7c951595.jpg

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#38

Pretty Sure My Fortune Cookie Is Telling Me To Masturbate...

Pretty Sure My Fortune Cookie Is Telling Me To Masturbate...

iVaulty Report

John L
Community Member
2 years ago

If that other 'someone' is attractive and sexy, it would be well worth the wait. :D

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#39

So Honest

So Honest

deephunta Report

Neeraj Jha
Community Member
2 years ago

Honest cookie.

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#40

My Fortune Cookie Sounds Like Satan Trying To Give A Motivational Speech

My Fortune Cookie Sounds Like Satan Trying To Give A Motivational Speech

polaroidanemia Report

Eliane Prado
Community Member
2 years ago

Hahahahaha

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#41

Unusual Predictions

Unusual Predictions

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Shruti Naik
Community Member
2 years ago

basically non-existent

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#42

I Think My Fortune Cookie Just Threatened Me

I Think My Fortune Cookie Just Threatened Me

lijamez Report

Pull King
Community Member
2 years ago

My body before a night of drinking

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#43

My Pet Is Planning What?

My Pet Is Planning What?

Report

Vlad Horobet
Community Member
2 years ago

Nonsense. My 12 foot crocodile is so well educated. Just look how he smiles and drools while he sees me.

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#44

Good To Know

Good To Know

Report

Alan Turns 9
Community Member
2 years ago

Whaaaaaaaat?!

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#45

The Amazingly Accurate Fortune Cookie

The Amazingly Accurate Fortune Cookie

witt19 Report

Vlad Horobet
Community Member
2 years ago

Actually i've stopped before the lucky numbers. Ha! *rebels away*

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#46

We Got Three Fortunes With Our Meal. I Have Now Learned All I Ever Need To Know Now In Chinese

We Got Three Fortunes With Our Meal. I Have Now Learned All I Ever Need To Know Now In Chinese

anastasiabeverhousen Report

Pull King
Community Member
2 years ago

My god. ;);)

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#47

Deep

Deep

Report

Neeraj Jha
Community Member
2 years ago

When SpongeBob writes your Fortune cookie....

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#48

So I Heard You Liked Fortune Cookies (From Scotland)

So I Heard You Liked Fortune Cookies (From Scotland)

a_wild_scot_appears Report

Blue Cicada
Community Member
2 years ago

Made _out_of_ me, or made to _honour_ me?!

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#49

Haha Is This A Good Fortune?

Haha Is This A Good Fortune?

brelandjer Report

Shruti Naik
Community Member
2 years ago

ohh the irony!

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#50

Nice Try, Fortune Cookie

Nice Try, Fortune Cookie

CattyKid Report

Kelly Zhang
Community Member
2 years ago

Seirously, its true (NOT LING)

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#51

Depends On The Muppet

Depends On The Muppet

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Phil The Computer
Community Member
2 years ago

Am I a muppet? Or a man?

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#52

Was Looking For Wisdom And Got This... Though Very Accurate, Completely Useless...

Was Looking For Wisdom And Got This... Though Very Accurate, Completely Useless...

lindacofficial Report

Alia G.
Community Member
2 years ago

Maybe if you had a dog named Bubbles and you were scolding them? But who could get angry at a dog named Bubbles...

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#53

My Dads Fortune Cookie Paper Has Misaligned Print

My Dads Fortune Cookie Paper Has Misaligned Print

Jkwhjr Report

Bunnies4Zwin
Community Member
2 years ago

This is predicting the result of my math test.

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#54

My Fortune Cookie Disagreed With Itself

My Fortune Cookie Disagreed With Itself

idorocketscience Report

Vlad Horobet
Community Member
2 years ago

Bored panda opened a chinese restaurant.

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#55

Didn't Expect The Same Fortune In My Second Cookie

Didn't Expect The Same Fortune In My Second Cookie

ABucs260 Report

Pull King
Community Member
2 years ago

*not prepared*

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#56

Hungover As Hell, I Stumbled Into A Chinese Buffet And Ate Five Plates. Then I Get This Fortune

Hungover As Hell, I Stumbled Into A Chinese Buffet And Ate Five Plates. Then I Get This Fortune

DoctorMcTits Report

✨Madisonnnn✨
Community Member
2 years ago

His shirt! Ha I love it!!!!

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#57

My Friend And I Just Opened Fortune Cookies Together

My Friend And I Just Opened Fortune Cookies Together

zxcvb43 Report

Daria B
Community Member
2 years ago

You will start a band. ♥

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#58

Nice Try, Fortune. Still Not Gonna Try Anal

Nice Try, Fortune. Still Not Gonna Try Anal

lorceie Report

Shruti Naik
Community Member
2 years ago

fortune cookies. Always distributing useful information!

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#59

Abort, Retry, Ignore

Abort, Retry, Ignore

Report

Haylee Evans
Community Member
2 years ago

lmao

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#60

Thought I'd Be Cool And Take The Fortune Out Of The Cookie Without Breaking It

Thought I'd Be Cool And Take The Fortune Out Of The Cookie Without Breaking It

saboom2010 Report

Tiny Dynamine
Community Member
2 years ago

My question was how long will it take before I can afford a car?

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#61

This Fortune Cookie Was Getting Really Philosophical With Me

This Fortune Cookie Was Getting Really Philosophical With Me

JezuzFingerz Report

Tiny Dynamine
Community Member
2 years ago

Scientifically it is stationery as darkness contains neither particles nor waves, as light does. Discuss. ;)

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#62

Fortune Cookie Is Eliminating The Competition

Fortune Cookie Is Eliminating The Competition

joshosetsfire Report

Analyn Lahr
Community Member
2 years ago

Magic 8 Ball is all "Come at me, bro!"

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#63

My Fortune Cookie Was Rather Blunt

My Fortune Cookie Was Rather Blunt

painintheneck Report

Alan Turns 9
Community Member
2 years ago

...Sometimes, tough love is needed...

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#64

Chef Grinned After I Opened My Fortune Cookie

Chef Grinned After I Opened My Fortune Cookie

Wrobbler Report

ALIYAH ALLEN
Community Member
2 years ago

nice try.

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#65

Is This Not The Creepiest Fortune Cookie You've Ever Seen?

Is This Not The Creepiest Fortune Cookie You've Ever Seen?

alextorpey Report

Zelda
Community Member
2 years ago

Oh god..

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#66

I Got A Political Fortune Cookie Yesterday

I Got A Political Fortune Cookie Yesterday

Jacob_Brave Report

Tiny Dynamine
Community Member
2 years ago

I didn't know blessed was a synonym for fu....d.

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#67

This Cookie Really Sees The Future

This Cookie Really Sees The Future

Report

Kelly Zhang
Community Member
2 years ago

Geez! I could come up with better fortunes than that!

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#68

That's Oddly Specific Fortune Cookie

That's Oddly Specific Fortune Cookie

Merp_Derpster Report

Magpie
Community Member
2 years ago

Check with Rose first.

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#69

Of All The Possible Fortune Messages To Get Multiple Of In A Single Cookie...

Of All The Possible Fortune Messages To Get Multiple Of In A Single Cookie...

Quezzie Report

Tiny Dynamine
Community Member
2 years ago

You are actually one in 7 billion, like everyone else.

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#70

These Are Horrible Fortune Cookies

These Are Horrible Fortune Cookies

truepain Report

PyroarRanger
Community Member
2 years ago

Interesting....

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#71

My Fortune Cookie Fortune About Being A True Patriot

My Fortune Cookie Fortune About Being A True Patriot

layla__ Report

Bunnies4Zwin
Community Member
2 years ago

No One then?

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#72

Went Out For Chinese Food Last Night. How Is This Even A Fortune?

Went Out For Chinese Food Last Night. How Is This Even A Fortune?