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“What Is The Funniest Joke You’ve Been Told That You Still Think About To This Day?” (30 Answers)
Who doesn’t love a good joke? A well-timed pun with an excellent punchline that people can’t help but giggle at. Said in the right place at the right time, jokes can become pure comedy gold, which is something many people will try to retell or at least, replay in their heads every once in a while.
Members of the ‘Ask Reddit’ community recently shared jokes that live rent-free in their head, after one of them started a thread about it. Netizens recalled all sorts of jokes, from one-liners to those requiring a more extensive buildup, so if you’re eager to expand your collection of funny icebreakers or quips to tell at family get-togethers, wait no longer and scroll down to browse some amusing content on the list below.
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#1
A police officer pulls over a semi truck. He gets the usual license and registration, but hears strange noises coming from the trailer, so he decides to investigate. Inside, he finds 50 penguins.
“Sir, why do you have 50 penguins in your truck?” The officer asks the driver
“Well, they’re my friends, and we like to go on journeys together in my truck” the man replies
“I’m sorry sir, but you can’t just own 50 penguins. I’m afraid you’re going to have to take them to the zoo”
The man agrees and drives off. The next day the same cop pulls the truck over again, and once again hears strange noises in the trailer. He goes to check and finds the same 50 penguins.
“I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday!” The cop angrily tells the driver
“I did take them to the zoo! They loved it! Today we’re going to the beach”.
Jimmy Cornillez 1 year ago
I just heard that joke for the first time in the movie Tuesday, but she says he sees the same penguins but this time they're all wearing sunglasses...
Fox with a Dragon Tattoo 1 year ago
My little girl laughed hard.. this one is a winner in my book.
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Moonie Pinkslip 1 year ago
I've just started reading and hoping this isn't the No.1 joke on this list...
RELATED:
#2
Norm told this best:
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The bartender looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the bartender.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that" says the bartender as he pours the duck a pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted bartender cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the bartender says to him:
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the bartender says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"
"At the circus," says the bartender.
"The circus?" repeats the duck.
"That's right," replies the bartender.
"The circus?" the duck asks again. "With the big TENT?"
"Yeah!" the bartender replies.
"With all the animals who live in CAGES, and performers who live in CARAVANS?" says the duck.
"Of course," the bartender replies.
"And the tent has CANVAS sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the bartender.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says: "What would they want with a plasterer???".
Craig Aitken 1 year ago
Take "I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer." Out and it works better as a joke
Amy Roberts 1 year ago
Potentially, to add a bit more mystery, but what to replace it with? Perhaps just ‘I’m working on the building site across the road’ only as an inbetween choice (as your suggestion seems to be unpopular, not sure why)?
Load More Replies... #3
An Irishman walks into a bar. He orders two shots, drinks them both, and then leaves.
The next day, the Irishman returns, orders another two shots, drinks them both, and then leaves.
He continues to do this for some time, when one day the bartender questions him, “How come you always order exactly two shots?”
The Irishman replies, “well, you see my brother and I used to go out drinking every night, but he lives across the country now, so every night, I order two drinks. One for myself, and one for my brother.”
Things remain the same for a while until one day the Irishman comes in and orders only one shot. The bartender becomes concerned and asks him “how come you’re only ordering one shot? Did something happen to your brother? Is he ok?”
The Irishman replies, “of course not, my brother’s fine. I just quit drinking”.
#4
It must suck having gay parents. You either get twice the normal amount of dad jokes or stuck in an endless loop of go ask your mother.
Not-a-Clue (she/her) 1 year ago
I love the story of the teen who trolled his dads by leaving a '"world's greatest dad" mug around at home and let them fight it out 😂
Makenzie McNeal 1 year ago
Well here's one. "Your mama was so ugly your dad went and married a man."
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#5
An old man is lying on his death bed with his wife at his side. They had 3 kids but the last one, Steve, looked nothing like the first 2 so he was always suspicious. The old man looked at his wife and says: "Hunny, it doesn't matter at this point but I need to know. Is Steve my son?" His wife smiles and says: "I swear to you, he is your son". The old man then dies peacefully. Then his wife says: "thank god he didn't ask about the first 2".
#6
I was driving down the road and saw a hitchhiker. Being in a generous mood, I decided I’d give him a ride. After I picked him up and we started on down the road, he was very thankful, but said “you aren’t scared that I could be a serial k*ller or something?” So I chuckled, looked at him and said “the chances that we are both serial k*llers is probably pretty low, don’t you think?”.
Binky Melnik 1 year ago (edited)
Not true. Why not Google why sites hafta censor things? (I’m so tired of explaining that (it’s asked here several times a day because everyone needs a personalized answer, I guess), I’ve died and so can’t do it anymore.) (Also look up what happens when you assume while you’re at it.)
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#7
My friend got me an elephant for my room. I said thanks and she said, don’t mention it.
digitalin 1 year ago
There's this phrase of "are we going to talk about the elephant in the room?" or variations. It means that there's a topic that is huge and awkward and obvious and everyone knows about it but doesn't want to bring it up.
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Cecilia Matthews 1 year ago
Then how would the mailman know where to deliver it?
Load More Replies... Moonie Pinkslip 1 year ago
This is usually a funny joke but it's badly delivered. It's about the elephant in the room. Poor.
#8
What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Phillope.
#9
How do you tell the difference between an electrician and a chemist?
Ask them to pronounce "unionized.".
Ugh, do I have to? 1 year ago
This is the first time my being the daughter of a chemist has really showed lol
Ugh, do I have to? 1 year ago
Took me a moment to even realize the other pronunciation
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JK 1 year ago
For those that don't get it, electricians are union, chemists are not. One can't be fired at will, the other can.
Nicole Weymann 1 year ago
Also "ions" are charged atoms or molecules. An *un-ionized* (as the Chemist would say) atom/moleculed has not electrical charge.
Load More Replies... #10
Short and sweet. A man and a young boy are walking together, deep in a creepy forest.
The young boy says: I'm scared...
The man replies: I'm the one who has to walk back alone...
Gabrielle 1 year ago (edited)
Plot twist: the boy is the man's son, and the dad's walking with him to his school.
Mumma Cass 1 year ago
The man had kil led the boy for only the man to walk back alone... Then I realised it's B.P jokes
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Jane Hower 1 year ago
A better version is two mafia guys walking in the woods, one says it's scary, the other says what do you have to worry about? I Have to walk out alone.
#11
A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say “nice tie!” Looking around, he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar. A few sips later, the voice said “beautiful shirt“.
At this, the man called the bartender over. “Hey…I must be losing my mind,” he told the bartender. “I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there’s not a soul in here but us.”
“It’s the peanuts,” answered the bartender.
“Say what?”
“You heard me,” said the barkeep. “It’s the peanuts … they’re complimentary.“.
Cyber Returns 1 year ago (edited)
He then went to the cigarette machine and as he was choosing his favourite brand, the machine insults him. "You smell like you earn your money from servicing sailors" Then "You smell like a badly dropped turd" He went to the bartender and he asked "What's with the cigarette machine?" to which the bartender replies "Oh that thing... its out of order"
Doenutts 1 year ago
I heard this before but slightly defend, it had the complimentary peanuts but also included a fruit machine that would insult the man in the bar as it was "out of order"
#12
There's this guy, Dave who absolutely hates going to the doctor. Luckily for him, his brother Henry is a veterinarian. So anytime Dave is sick, he tells Henry and Henry will say "look I'm not a doctor but here is what I would do and the medicines I would take".
One day Dave breaks his leg so he calls up his brother and tells Henry he broke his leg. Henry is quiet for a bit and then says "Dave, I've got bad news".
Nonna_SoF 1 year ago
For a lot of large animals the "treatment" for a broken leg is death.
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JK 1 year ago
OMG! A friend was doing roofing work for a vet and a saw cut into his leg. The vet just sewed him up and paid him for the day.
Helen Rohrlach 1 year ago
Fun fact, a vet is allowed to treat a human but a doctor can't treat an animal. (Something I heard somewhere, please don't yell at me)
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nuberiffic 1 year ago
The joke only works if you specify that it's a large animal vet. Dogs / cats aren't treated like this.
D Gibson 1 year ago
When a horse breaks its leg nothing can be done, so they put the horse down. If it happened at a racetrack they would shoot the horse where it fell. Today they would give the horse a lethal injection. Much less dramatic than killing the horse by shooting it in the head with a gun.
#13
I couldn't work out why the ball was getting bigger...
Then it hit me.
Lotekguy 1 year ago
Stewart Francis told it with a Frisbee. Milton was too busy chatting up his grandfathers.
Load More Replies... Carter Rohde 1 year ago
i saw this one already on a 150 best teen jokes list. its the worst on this list so far
Jane Alexander 1 year ago
Two philosophers were up all night, discussing why the sun comes up, then it dawned on them.
#14
How do you make holy water? Easy. Just boil the hell out of it.
#15
How do you think the unthinkable?
... With an itheberg.
#16
An old preacher, a renowned scholar, a rich businessman, and a young boy were riding on a small plane.
The engine fails and the pilot tells the passengers: "We're going down, but we only have 4 parachutes. One of us will have to stay, but it ain't gonna be me!" He grabs a parachute and jumps.
The scholar gets out of his seat and says, "I'm too smart to die!". He also grabs a parachute and jumps.
Once the businessman sees this, he says, "I'm too rich to die!". He grabs the third parachute and jumps.
The preacher looks at the young boy and says, "I've lived a long life, but you're still young. Take the last parachute and live."
The boy responds, "Thank you sir, that's very kind of you. But we can both survive."
Confused, the preacher asks, "What do you mean? We only have one parachute left."
To which the boy responds, "Before the scholar jumped, he grabbed my backpack.".
PFD 1 year ago
It was George Bush the first time I heard it. And not GW....
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#17
A grocer is restocking the vegetables when a woman taps him on the shoulder and says “Excuse me Sir, but where do you keep the spinach?” The man replies “Well ma’am we’re out of spinach today, but we get some more tomorrow so come back then.”
The woman nods and walks away while the grocer continues stocking the carrots. A few minutes later the same woman taps the grocer on the shoulder and asks “Sir, I was wondering where I could find the spinach?” Confused, the grocer says “Well ma’am we are out of spinach today. However, we will have more tomorrow morning. Come back tomorrow.”
The woman smiles and thanks him as she walks away. Shaking his head, the grocer turns his attention back to the carrots. Moments later the woman again taps him on the shoulder and asks “Pardon me, but do you know where the spinach is?”
The grocer looks at her angrily and says “Let me ask you something. How do you spell dog, like in dogmatic?” The woman replies “D-O-G” “Okay” says the grocer. “Now how do you spell cat, as in catatonic?” “C-A-T” says the woman. “Perfect” the grocer replies. “Now how do you spell f**k, as in spinach?” She replies, "sure, F - U - ... wait a sec ... there is no f**k in spinach.”
The grocer says “THAT’S THE POINT LADY!".
StarCrossedFriday 1 year ago
How do you fit an elephant in a Safeway bag? Take the S out of Safe and the F out of way.
Aelin Wildfire 1 year ago
But there -is- no F in.... Oh, I see what you did there.
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Joe15 1 year ago
A produce worker was stocking lettuce when an old man approached him and asked for half a head of lettuce. The produce worker walked over to the manager and said "some idiot wants to buy a half a head of lettuce," just as he said it he realized the old man had followed him and overheard him. He quickly realized his mistake and said, "And this gentleman would like to purchase the other half" They took care of that customer and the manager said to the produce worker "I saw what just happened, that was quick thinking. But I don't think we've met yet you're new here aren't you?". The produce worker replied "yes I am", the manager said "where are you from originally?" The produce worker replied that he was from Minnesota. The manager said why did you leave Minnesota? The produce worker replied because there was nothing but hookers and hockey players there. The manager, a little perturbed said "my wife is from Minnesota!" The produce worker quickly replied really! What team did she play for?
Cass Malone 1 year ago
I don't really like this one cuz she could have Alzheimer's that hasn't been detected by family yet.
#18
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied,
“When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”
So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his a*s.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s**t out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his a*s.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A- Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Brenda Spagnola-Wilson 1 year ago
As a recovering Catholic, I might actually go to this sermon!!!
#19
NSFW but hilarious…
A penguin has his car break down and takes it in to get serviced on a hot summer’s day. While he’s waiting, he notices an ice cream parlor across the street. He heads over and gets a nice, big, vanilla ice cream cone and sits on the curb and eats it.
Since it’s so hot outside, it melts a bit and gets all over the place, especially around his beak.
Just then the mechanic calls to him and says his car is ready.
He heads inside, where the mechanic tells him, “looks like you blew a seal.”
The penguin responds, “oh, no, it’s just a little ice cream.”.
Papa 1 year ago
So I'm not the only one who saw it coming after "looks like you blew a seal"?
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BookFanatic 1 year ago
My Thursday night crew always shares dirty jokes. This'll be mind for tomorrow. Lol
BrownEyedPanda 1 year ago
I heard a joke similar to this one. It actually took me two weeks to get it.
Robert Beveridge 1 year ago
Y'all need to go youtube "Kip Addotta - Wet Dream" if you've never heard this one--it's a variant on one of the first jokes in the song. Which is hilarious.
#20
What do you call a magical dog?
A Labracadabrador.
That joke makes me chuckle every time it passes through my brain.
Moonie Pinkslip 1 year ago
I haven't heard this since I was a kid, and it still made me warm and fuzzy, and laugh :))
BookFanatic 1 year ago
Damnit. I know a similar joke with either an elephant or a hippo. This is gonna drive me crazy now.
Jane Alexander 1 year ago
what do you get if you cross an elephant with a rhino? 'ell if I know'
Load More Replies... Jane Alexander 1 year ago
Don't get a Chow crossed with a blood hound. A chow hound will eat you out of house and home. a better choice is a cross of a springer spaniel and Irish setter. You get an Irish springer; a dog that's 'fresh and clean as a whistle'.
Load More Replies... #21
Knock knock
Hike.
Hike who?
Unsuspecting friend.
I await with baited breath.
Sets the perfect trap.
#22
What do dark humor and food have in common?
Not everybody gets it.
BookFanatic 1 year ago (edited)
Ooohh. I overheard a friend's dad tell a joke. I was so pleased I remembered it and went about telling it all day at school. Told it to my mom. Who was horrified. I'm not going to repeat it here. The joke mentions ovens and the punchline compares Jewish folks to pizza.
Aelin Wildfire 1 year ago
Was it a high school, perchance? Because that's where I first heard that joke.
Load More Replies... #23
A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender tell him "Sorry, we don't serve strings here. Get out."
The string walks out and unravels one end of himself and ties himself up a few times and walks back in and orders a drink. The bartender says "Aren't you the string that was just in here?"
The string replies >!"No, I'm a frayed knot"!<
Heard this joke probably 23 years ago. Still love it and tell it to people.
David Hopkins 1 year ago
At that same bar, a guy in a t-shirt tried to get in. The bartender told me he needed a tie "because this is a nice place." The guy goes back to his car but can't find a tie there so he wraps a set of jumper cables around his neck and heads back to the bar. The bartender looked him over and said, "Okay, I'll let you in but don't start anything."
#24
A guy from the city is out driving in the country.
He passes a farm and sees the farmer holding a pig up, so the pig can eat apples out of an apple tree. The city slicker has never seen anything like that, so he stops, hops the fence and approaches the farmer.
"What in the world are you doing?" the city slicker asks.
"Holdin' up mah pig, so he can eat apples out tha tree," the farmer says.
"Why not shake the tree, and let your pig eat the apples off the ground?" the city slicker says. "Wouldn't that save a lot of time?"
"Well," the farmer says, "What's time to a pig?".
Papa 1 year ago
One of my favorite farmer jokes is about the government official who showed up at the farmer's house and said he was inspector, and he had a paper that said he could go anywhere on the farm he wanted to. The farmer said okay, but stay out of the northwest pasture. The inspector said "I will remind you that I have this paper that says I can go anywhere." So he goes into the northwest pasture. The farmer stays on the other side of the fence. When the inspector gets about halfway across the pasture a big bull charges out of some trees, right at him. The inspector screams for help, and the farmer says "Show him your paper!"
Nikole 1 year ago (edited)
Another good farmer / pig one goes something like this: A guy goes out to a farm to look at a tractor the farmer is selling. He talks to the farmer and notices a pig that seems to be counting ears of corn by stamping his hoof on the ground. “That’s amazing,” the guy says. “Is he actually counting?” “Oh yeah, “ the farmer replies. “He can even drive that tractor I’m selling and he’s getting better with playing the piano.” The guy stands there, awestruck, and notices the pig is missing a front limb that’s been bandaged up. “What happened to his leg though?” The farmer takes his pipe out of his mouth. “Well, you don’t eat a pig like that all at once.”
Load More Replies... #25
What's the difference between a dirty transit hub and a lobster who's had plastic surgery? One's a crusty bus station, the other is a busty crustacean.
Brittania Kelli 1 year ago
What's the difference between Mary Poppins and Ghandi? One is supercalifraglisticexpialidocious and the other is a super-calloused-fragile-mystic-with-extreme-halitosis.
BookFanatic 1 year ago
Did you hear about the little person fortune teller who instigated a jail break? Yeah, he's a short medium at large.
#26
So many years ago I was shopping for groceries and standing in the aisle with the honey and syrup. An older gentleman casually walked up to me and said, "What's the hardest part of licking molasses? Spreading their little cheeks." Then he walked off.....funny joke and random encounter 10/10.
Der Kommissar 1 year ago
Have you ever smelled mothballs? if so, how do you get their tiny legs apart?
Israel Martinez 1 year ago
Ha ... it's like the three moles digging ... Papa mole stops and says "it smells like whiskey" and keeps digging ... Mama mole stops and says "it smells like daisies" ... Baby brings up the rear and says "funny, all I smell is molasses" ...
brittany 1 year ago
seperate MOL from the rest of the word. pause between MOL-asses
Load More Replies... #27
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator.
GhostlySnail (she/her) 1 year ago
There’s a whole kids comic book series based off this one pun, they’re actually really good
#28
One of my go to's I actually found on here a while back:
What's brown, and rhymes with snoop?
Dr dre.
Nicole Weymann 1 year ago
What's green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.
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Binky Melnik 1 year ago
Excellent! One of my favorite old jokes that still makes me giggle: What’s brown and sits on a log in the woods? Winnie’s pooh.
#29
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the dumb guys house.
Knock, knock. Who's there?
It's the chicken.
Eric Williams 1 year ago
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side. PLATO: For the greater good. ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads. KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability. TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take. SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. JACK NICHOLSON: 'cause it f.....g wanted to. That's the f.....g reason. RONALD REAGAN: I forgot. CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before. HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas. LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down. MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into que
BrownEyedPanda 1 year ago
Why did the chicken cross the road only halfway? She wanted to lay it on the line.
#30
I actually just heard it today.
Jeffrey Dalmer ate Five Guys before it was even a restaurant.
Anthorn 1 year ago
it's dark humor. To be fair, it's not for everyone, but no need to be rude.
Load More Replies... #31
George W Bush was sitting at his desk in the Oval Office when an aide came in.
“Sir, here is today’s list of casualties from the coalition in Iraq. I’m sorry to say that we lost a Brazilian.
Bush dropped his head into his hands. “Oh no…oh no…oh no…”
The aide felt bad. He had never seen him so distraught. “Sir, is there anything that I can do for you?”
Bush looked up and asked with pain visible in his eyes. “Yes…just tell me…how many is a Brazilian?”
(The subject probably dates me!).
Robert Millar 1 year ago
George Bush, visiting England, was viewing the Magna Carta. "When was this signed?" He asked. 1215 was the answer. "Darn it!" He said. "Missed it by 20 minutes!"
Ed Walker 1 year ago
Old history joke. Where was the Magna Carta signed? At the bottom.
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Alex Boyd 1 year ago
Yeah, twenty years later, what strikes me about this joke is how we did at least expect he would *care*.
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#32
Blind man walks into a hardware store with his seeing eye dog. Picks the dog up by its tail and starts swinging it around over his head. Manager walks up and asks:
“Hello, sir. Can I help you?”
Blind man replies: “Nah. Just looking around.”.
#33
A Mexican magician tells his audience for his last trick he will make himself disappear! He starts uno, dos … poof … he disappears without a tres.
Brenda Spagnola-Wilson 1 year ago
Uno-1, Dos-2, Tres-3, Cuatro-4, Cinco-5, Seis-6, Siete-7, Ocho-8, Nueve-9, Diez-10
#34
Mozart died a long time ago and was buried in the local cemetery. The groundskeeper was doing his job and all of a sudden heard something odd. In a panic, he ran to the pope and yelled. Pope! Pope! Come with me there’s something you have to hear!! So the two of them run back to the cemetery and they heard Mozart’s Fifth symphony, and they looked at each other puzzled, but they stayed listening and then they heard the fourth symphony then the third symphony and then the second played and all the sudden it dawned on the pope and he looked at the ground keeper and said “son you do not need to worry Mozart is just de-composing!”.
Der Kommissar 1 year ago
" Mozart died a long time ago". I get it, that's why they buried him.
#35
A family is visiting the zoo; mom, dad, and their young son. As they’re looking at the elephants the boy asks his mother: “Mommy, what’s that hanging off the elephant?” She replies: “That’s his trunk!” The little boy says: “No, no! On the other end!” She replies: “That’s the elephants tail.” The little boy says: “No! No! Next to his leg!” The mom gets flustered and says: “Oh, it’s nothing! Go ask your father!” The little boy asks his father the same questions, ending up frustrated and saying: “No! No! No! What’s that next to his leg?” The father replies: “Well son, that’s the elephant’s p**is” The little boy thinks for minute, and asks his father: “Well, why did mommy say it was nothing?” Father replies: “Well son, your mom is a little spoiled”
~rim shot~.
Michael Largey 1 year ago
During a visit to a government farm in the 1920s, First Lady Coolidge noticed that a rooster was mating frequently on the same day. She told the tour guide "Tell Mr. Coolidge." When the guide did later, Coolidge asked if the rooster was always mating with the same hen. When the guide said no, the President told the guide "Tell Mrs. Coolidge."
Papa 1 year ago
Two men were walking along a country road and came to a bridge over the a stream. One of them said he needed to take a leak, so he stood on the bridge and urinated over the side. The other guy went to the other side of the bridge and did the same thing. The first guy looks over his shoulder at his friend and says "This water sure is cold." He buddy replied "Yep. It's deep too."
csaclint 1 year ago
dad was implying that the elephants member was nothing compared to his.
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#36
My mom told me there is a weirdo on every bus. I've never found him. - Steven Wright.
#37
A woman wakes up on her birthday, and says to her husband "Honey, I had a dream last night that you gave me a diamond necklace for my birthday. What do you think it means?" Her husband smiles and says "Maybe tonight you'll find out." Later that night, the couple go out to a nice show, and have dinner at their special place. At the end of the meal, the husband takes out a small gift-wrapped box, gives it to his wife, and says, "Happy Birthday honey" The wife opens the box and inside is a book titled "How to Interpret Your Dreams.".
Lotekguy 1 year ago
But his divorce lawyer will get a good laugh from it.
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#38
Not a joke exactly. One time me and my dad and his employ where just standing outside and a bird pooped on my dad's head and his employee started to run off and my dad's like where are you going? And the guy says to get some toilet paper, and my dad says why it will fly away before you get back.
#39
A man goes to his doctor. Doc says,”I have good news and bad news”…….the man says give me the good news first. “Ok, you 24 hours to live”. The man shots back, “that’s horrible! What could be worse than that?”. “I was supposed to call you yesterday“.
#40
Three little old ladies are sitting on a park bench. Suddenly, a pervert in nothing but a trench coat stops in front of them, opens his coat and flashes them!
Two of the little old ladies immediately have a stroke. The third one couldn't quite reach.
Cyber Returns 1 year ago
Three little old ladies are sitting on a park bench. One says "Isn't it windy" The second says "No, it's Thursday" the third says "So am I, lets go have a cuppa"
Cyber Returns 1 year ago
The two oldest twin ladies in the world were having their photo by the Guinness book of records when the photographer mumbled something. One sister says "What did he say?" and the second sister said "He said he is just going to focus" The first sister looked thoughtful and turned to her sister and asked "Both of us?"
Load More Replies... #41
Two muffins are sitting in an oven
one muffin turns to the other and says "damn its getting hot in here"
the other muffin exclaims "holy s**t a talking muffin".
#42
Why does a chicken coup only have 2 doors?
If it had 4, it’d be a chicken sedan.
And, why do seagulls fly over the sea?
If they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels.
Leoninus Fate 1 year ago
oddly these were the same 2 jokes that was on Loud House {i mean there old jokes but the character in the show said the same 2 jokes one after the other in the same way word for word...}
Dan Holden 1 year ago
I don't know why you got downvoted. Saloon in UK, sedan in North America.
Load More Replies... #43
How many New Yorkers does it take to change a lightbulb? “None of your f*****g business.”.
Der Kommissar 1 year ago
Reminds me of the tourist who is visiting NYC, and asks a local " Can you tell me where the Empire State Building is, or should I go fukk myself? "
#44
A duck walks into a pharmacy and walks up to the counter. “I’d like some Chapstick”, he tells the pharmacist. “How are you going to pay for that?” the pharmacist asks. The duck replies “Just put it on my bill”.
#45
When I was little, I would ask my mom to tell me this story/joke over and over and it would make me crack up. She said that there was a dude, and he had heard they were drafting men to a war. But he didn’t want to go to war, so he pulled out all his teeth bc I guess that would prevent him from getting drafted. Then when the recruiters came and made all the men line up to be inspected, the first thing they looked at was his feet. And they said “we can’t recruit you. You have flat feet.” And that’s it. That’s the joke.
StarCrossedFriday 1 year ago
Well, my brother and I used to have hysterics over my mum’s impression of a dying head louse. Every time we got headlice and had to go through the shampoo and combing, she’d do it to cheer us up, and we’d beg her to do her act for weeks on end. And OP’s mum’s story is actually pretty funny 😬
Matthew Currie 1 year ago
Something almost like that happened to my dad back in the 40's, though he was not trying to get out. He was rejected for combat because he had flat feet. The kicker? He was blind in one eye.
#46
A man dies and goes to hell. He's met by a big ugly demon who tells him he must choose his eternal punishment behind one of 3 doors.
Behind the first door is endless fire, everyone and everything is burning.
Behind the second door is ice. Everything is frozen, people's limbs break off, etc.
Behind the 3rd door, everyone is standing up to their chests in s**t, but they're drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes.
Guy's like, well I don't want to burn or freeze, and they're all drinking coffee and smoking, seems actually kinda nice. So he chooses door 3.
He wades down into the excrement and sloshes his way to the coffee pot and pours his first cup. Around 5 minutes later, the demon enters the room and says, "Alright everyone, break's over. Stand on your heads!".
#47
A man is in a bar and overhears a group of women with a strong English accent.
He walks over and asks "Excuse me, are you women from Scotland?"
One of the women angrily replies "It's Wales!"
The man replies, "I'm sorry, are you Whales from Scotland?".
Not-a-Clue (she/her) 1 year ago
Why/how are they from Wales with English accents and not Welsh accents?
Penguin Panda Pop 1 year ago
Buzzkill reporting for duty. "British accent" would work much better for the joke. English people have various types of English accents. Scottish people have a variety of Scottish accents and so on.
#48
It's a silly dad joke one but it goes like this
"What has five toes and isn't your foot?"
"My Foot".
#49
Did you hear about the pirate that bought himself a pair of earrings for $2? That’s not bad for a buccaneer!
#50
I once saw “If you took a s**t please give it back” written in a bathroom stall. Still makes me chuckle.
Leoninus Fate 1 year ago
in our family we used to say "I have to take a Sh*t/Pi$$" and without fail someone would always say "Well don't take one of mine"
#52
An Irishman walks out of a bar.
#53
What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.
StarCrossedFriday 1 year ago
Doesn’t the lack of punctuation at the end kind of do the job?
Load More Replies... #54
Short, simple, and a dad joke but it still makes me laugh as much now at 33 as when I was 10 or 11 and first read it:
"There are two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says 'you drive, I'll do the shooting.'".
Leoninus Fate 1 year ago
For everyone that was too dim to get it {or young, I guess since this is an old joke...} THEY ARE IN A TANK, a TANK, like you drive in a war and it can SHOOT...... understand now? hopefully good
Kurt Hartman 1 year ago
Yeah! Where's the joke? Unless it's not an aquarium and it's a military tan.... ooooooooh
#55
From a book I read to my daughter 20 years ago:
Knock knock
Who’s there?
Howie
Howie who?
I’m fine. Howie you?
BookFanatic 1 year ago
Knock-Knock. Who's there? Lettuce. Lettuce who? Lettuce in--it's cold outside! The first joke I ever learned. Lol
#56
I still giggle at this one my friend told me a few months ago:
Person A: Did you hear about the celebrity who was stabbed?
Person B: No, what was her name?
Person A: Reese something
Person B: Witherspoon?
Person A: No with a knife
or the classic “I can’t believe they’re still together after all the s**t they’ve been through… your a*s cheeks”.
#57
This one relies on the delivery.
"What does a 300 pound canary say?"
And then, as loud as you possibly can, shout CHIRP!
#58
The cop who asked the speeder what his excuse was.
The speeder says, my wife ran off with a cop last week, I figured you where bringing her back.
StarCrossedFriday 1 year ago (edited)
Is it me, or is there a bit of crucial context missing? Not that I think it would help; Nea is right, they’re not funny.
#59
My grandmother hit me with the best joke I’ve ever heard in my life. I was about 12 when she told me this.
“A male potato chip and a female chip walk into a bar… the female chip goes to the bathroom. A different female chip walks up and asks the male chip… so… are you Herr’s or Frito Lay…”
Free to lay. Man. My grandmother was an absolute queen.
#60
So I was over at Jeffrey Dahmer’s house and asked if he had any lettuce. He was like, “Sure - there’s a head in the fridge.”.
Der Kommissar 1 year ago
You know Jeffrey is mad at you if, at dinner, he gives you the cold shoulder.
Leoninus Fate 1 year ago
lol liked this one, should have been up with the others
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What do you think ?
Meta Veldkamp 1 year ago
How do you call a moose with no naam, anonymoose
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Tobias Reaper 1 year ago
A: Knock Knock B: whos there A: interupting cow B: interupting co.... A: MOOOO
Lez Be Honest 1 year ago
This is my favorite joke in the whole world!!! I laugh like crazy every time I tell it!
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Jessica Scott 1 year ago
One my dad told me that I always loved (yes we're a twisted family): What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad sky diver? WHACK... Damn! Damn... WHACK.
Brenda Spagnola-Wilson 1 year ago
What has 4 wheels and flies? A garbage truck! I tried to childproof my house, but they keep getting in!
Brenda Spagnola-Wilson 1 year ago
The cemetery is so crowded, but people are still dying to get in!
Load More Replies... Papa 1 year ago
An older gentleman was working out at the gym with his trainer. An attractive young woman happened to walk by, and the old man asked his trainer "What machine should I use to impress that young lady?" The trainer looked at the old man, then looked at the young lady, and then looked back at the old man, and said "I'd recommend the ATM in the lobby."
BookFanatic 1 year ago
I've got a couple. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. What happened when the blue ship crashed into the red ship? All the sailors were marooned. I also know a score of dirty jokes, but I'll keep it clean.
reuben kift 1 year ago (edited)
Why can't my bicycle stand up by itself? Because, it is two-tired.
Meta Veldkamp 1 year ago
How do you call a moose with no naam, anonymoose
Load More Replies... Tobias Reaper 1 year ago
A: Knock Knock B: whos there A: interupting cow B: interupting co.... A: MOOOO
Lez Be Honest 1 year ago
This is my favorite joke in the whole world!!! I laugh like crazy every time I tell it!
Load More Replies... Jessica Scott 1 year ago
One my dad told me that I always loved (yes we're a twisted family): What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad sky diver? WHACK... Damn! Damn... WHACK.
Brenda Spagnola-Wilson 1 year ago
What has 4 wheels and flies? A garbage truck! I tried to childproof my house, but they keep getting in!
Brenda Spagnola-Wilson 1 year ago
The cemetery is so crowded, but people are still dying to get in!
Load More Replies... Papa 1 year ago
An older gentleman was working out at the gym with his trainer. An attractive young woman happened to walk by, and the old man asked his trainer "What machine should I use to impress that young lady?" The trainer looked at the old man, then looked at the young lady, and then looked back at the old man, and said "I'd recommend the ATM in the lobby."
BookFanatic 1 year ago
I've got a couple. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. What happened when the blue ship crashed into the red ship? All the sailors were marooned. I also know a score of dirty jokes, but I'll keep it clean.
reuben kift 1 year ago (edited)
Why can't my bicycle stand up by itself? Because, it is two-tired.
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